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There's the rub indeed. I'm still too fresh not to care. Working on it but my W is trying hard to keep me stirred up.

Last night she told me all about her new email, computer and some other things that she was given at work acknowledging her sort of promotion within her workplace, at least being recognized. I congratulated her, said I was proud, but didn't go over the top. She asked if I was jealous??!!!! I didn't know where this was going but I soon figured it out. I reassured her I was very proud of her hard work.

She then stopped me later before we went to bed and said, why didn't you seem happier for me when I told you about my new things at work? I said, what do you mean? She said well I just feel like my sisters, family and friends would have been a lot happier to congratulate me. (In my mind I was thinking, well they weren't just deceived AGAIN about whether or not you're faithful to them in marriage).

She brought up a time when I was insecure years ago and she had begun doing music for church and I didn't pay much attention to her. She could feel my indifference then, jealousy and disinterest.

I told her I was sorry for that time, but this was different. Especially because I came back inside from playing with our kids and congratulated her AGAIN to say how proud I was!!!

WTF is she getting at? If you don't want to be with me, why do you care about whether or not I recognize you?????

********

I decided tonight I will express my desire for a boundary. Going to say, I will continue to give you the time and space you need, find yourself, find your voice. But what I won't do is be your Plan B or be in an open marriage. This kind of disrespect I will not tolerate and quite frankly it concerns me that it is so easy for you to lie to me.

I told her this morning I'd like to speak with her tonight. She then asked a few minutes later, "Is this a scary talk?"


H46
W38
M12
T15
D8,S7,S5

11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began
7/12/18 Confessed A
10/1/19 EA still happening with 2
4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
si13 #2850376 05/23/19 03:14 PM
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Bad idea. Boundaries are things you do....not things you say. LBSs think they have to continually say things. You need to avoid R talks, not begin them.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
si13 #2850377 05/23/19 03:25 PM
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She’s mocking you dude and that would piss the $hit out of me.

You don’t express your desire for a boundary. You set one.

I am not plan b is not a good boundary. Why? Because you are. Now what?

This is what happens when you let people walk all over you.

Before your talk tonight. What is your boundary? What are the consequences of/when she breaks it? You can bet your bottom dollar she will test you.

si13 #2850378 05/23/19 03:28 PM
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LH is very wise. I would heed his advice.

Si, what I mean by boundaries are not what you say, it is what you do. For instance. "I will not tolerate disrespectful talk."

The next time she verbally disrespects you you say: "I will not allow myself to be talked to this way." Then walk away. THAT is a boundary.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
si13 #2850381 05/23/19 03:47 PM
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si13 Offline OP
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I appreciate the feedback gents. I guess this is more in response to what happened with discovery earlier this week that I've said nothing about. She admitted to calling a number that she'd hoped was her APs to get in touch with him again because she's lonely and thought we were over.

I've said nothing about it. Taken no position. She asked if I wanted her to leave and what things did I want in transparency.

So I feel like I haven't done anything but just roll over. I thought I should take the opportunity not to give an ultimatum but to say that I would not be in an open marriage or being Plan B.

Did I miss my window? I get that I haven't manned up, I've given her my balls. I want to change that.


H46
W38
M12
T15
D8,S7,S5

11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began
7/12/18 Confessed A
10/1/19 EA still happening with 2
4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
si13 #2850382 05/23/19 03:55 PM
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No you haven’t missed your chance to ask for your balls back.

Tell her you have thought about it and this is what you need moving forward to continue in this marriage.
Transparency
MC
Etc
Etc
Etc

Now before saying it. What are the consequences when she says no?

Divorce?
Separation?

What?

LH19 #2850383 05/23/19 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
No you haven’t missed your chance to ask for your balls back.

Tell her you have thought about it and this is what you need moving forward to continue in this marriage.
Transparency
MC
Etc
Etc
Etc

Now before saying it. What are the consequences when she says no?

Divorce?
Separation?

What?


Yeah, I guess that's the rub. I'd like to think I'm tired enough to move on with all the disrespect. 2PAs 1EA and the lying and dishonesty for the last 18 months. At some point, I've had enough.

I don't know if I'm there. But I'm no longer pursuing someone that wants the same things I want, so the writing is clearly on the wall then if she continues in the As.


H46
W38
M12
T15
D8,S7,S5

11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began
7/12/18 Confessed A
10/1/19 EA still happening with 2
4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
si13 #2850384 05/23/19 03:59 PM
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Yes you have to show you are not plan b and not going to get strung along. Thats why I stopped all pursuit, dropped the rope, signed the D without blinking an eye, found a house to live in and started seeing a nice young woman occasionally.

Yes I pretty much shut the door on my EXWW and any possibility of her wanting to R by dating. But that was my choice, because I care about me and my happiness. Im sure my message is loud and clear to my EXWW that I was to be the first choice and now im no choice at all.

Again I would suggest not dating until you are ready and until you truly have zero desire to R. My EXWW pushed me to where I am now with her behavior. Which is honestly what she was trying to do.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
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Originally Posted by si13
There's the rub indeed. I'm still too fresh not to care.


It takes time to get there, and that time varies from person to person. But WAS's have some kind of crazy radar for knowing when the LBS is really detached versus just pretending to be detached.

Quote
She then stopped me later before we went to bed and said, why didn't you seem happier for me when I told you about my new things at work? I said, what do you mean? She said well I just feel like my sisters, family and friends would have been a lot happier to congratulate me. (In my mind I was thinking, well they weren't just deceived AGAIN about whether or not you're faithful to them in marriage).


OK so this is where validation gets tough because you just want to talk some sense into her, right? "But I was excited for you, how can you not see that???" But instead just listen to what she says, and validate. "It sounds like you are upset that I didn't express excitement about this, is that how you feel?" "Yes I just feel like you didn't say much about it." "I am sorry I made you feel that way, I am very excited for you, that's a great accomplishment."

Quote
She brought up a time when I was insecure years ago and she had begun doing music for church and I didn't pay much attention to her. She could feel my indifference then, jealousy and disinterest.

I told her I was sorry for that time, but this was different. Especially because I came back inside from playing with our kids and congratulated her AGAIN to say how proud I was!!!


I understand, it's abundantly frustrating! This is where the LBS has to take the moral high road and not get drawn into an argument. She feels the way she feels even if it doesn't make sense. Validation is NOT agreeing with her, that's the beauty of it. You are simply acknowledging that she feels that way, and allowing her room to have those feelings.

Quote
I decided tonight I will express my desire for a boundary. Going to say, I will continue to give you the time and space you need, find yourself, find your voice. But what I won't do is be your Plan B or be in an open marriage. This kind of disrespect I will not tolerate and quite frankly it concerns me that it is so easy for you to lie to me.

I told her this morning I'd like to speak with her tonight. She then asked a few minutes later, "Is this a scary talk?"


Just to remind you what we talked about yesterday- the boundary MUST have a consequence or it's meaningless. This type of boundary is a tricky one because the only consequence it can really have is separation or divorce. Like I told you yesterday, don't pursue this unless you are ready to state the boundary AND the consequence, and know in your heart that if it comes down to it you are ready to pursue that consequence through actions. As Steve and LH said, boundaries are about actions. If she ignores the boundary then you must take action, because if you don't then she loses whatever respect she may have still had for you. The boundary is for you, not a trick to "snap her out of it" or "get her attention". It is you deciding you will not tolerate her affairs AT ALL and if she pursues one then that's it, no more chances, you will proceed with separation or divorce immediately. If you are not 100% sure you can do that then give yourself more time. A week, a month, 6 months, whatever it takes until you are 100% sure.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
si13 #2850389 05/23/19 04:17 PM
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"WTF is she getting at? If you don't want to be with me, why do you care about whether or not I recognize you?????"

One of two reasons is manipulation and validation as her backup plan, the other is maybe she does actually care? But if she did? Wouldn't her actions show it? Believe none of what they say and half of what they do. Stop feeding their ego's. Your are proud of her... That's enough. You are not her sister, her mother, etc. You are her husband. She shouldn't expect the same emotional reaction from someone who wasn't raised within her family. It would however be you're responsibility to respond in her language, if you were on good terms. But she fired you as her husband remember?

Something I observed and realized in my sich over the last 7 months from reading and therapy. When two people are dating, they have a lot in common. But when they are married, especially when kids are involved. Have you noticed that the dynamics of our model of relationships and parenting seeps out from what our parents modeled for us? Wether it be dysfunctional or not? I noticed a lot of my father coming out in me after my son was born on how I respond to things. I'm not nearly has hard headed or verbally abrasive as he was, but it comes out. I came from a conflict family. In other words we would discuss EVERYTHING from emotions, to quarrels, to theories and mindsets, etc. My W family not so much. They are great conversationalists, but avoid conflict. Thus having poor boundaries, expression, assertiveness.

Just using that dynamic as an example. What I am saying is that, it is good to learn how to respond to meet your W emotional needs, if you are on good terms. But if W is cheating, second guessing the M, using achievement moments for validation? Why would she deserve it? The door swings both ways. if she acted like a wife you would treat her like ones if she treated you like her husband then you would act like one

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