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I agree with Theoden. Ooops, my question is, do you want your W back or are you trying to gracefully quit your MR? If you want to stand for your MR you need to stick to DB. Its ok if you dont want to confront her but why giving her affection? You cant nice her back to MR Ooops.

Im sorry to tell you these things. I was a WWH some time ago. If you dont show W reality she will continue feeding on cake.

Be strong there man. Face reality, act accordingly.


WW H(me): 51
W: 47
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
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Curious is to why you are being affectionate to a woman who is sleeping with another man? You cannot reconnect with her when another man has her heart.


I dont want her to know ive figured it out yet, I guess.


So.....what is your plan of action?

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I'm feeling MUCH better than I was not long ago. I have to grit my teeth a little when doing things with her or showing affection. I have to make myself spend some time at home to continue 180s, otherwise I'd be away constantly. I'm ready to rock the boat and ready to move on, mostly. Every day it gets a little easier to feel good, but a little harder to engage in my own deception but I have to do it to prepare for the worst.


I don't understand where you are going with this. If your feelings have changed so drastically, why continue playing the game of deception? I'm just asking.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted by Steve85
I think your read on the book is dead on. My WW bought a couple as well. Never even cracked them open. It was her way of easing her conscience. So she could say later, I even bought blah blah blah books. Keep DBing.


Agreed and that just reminded me, when my XW finally left the house she cleaned out her side of the closet including all of her books. I had found DB'ing by then and had secretly read DR while keeping it hidden in my briefcase in the car. So imagine my surprise when I saw the cleared-out closet and she had left behind one book- her own copy of DR. Wow what a kick to the groin that was! I have no idea how long before that she had bought it. Crazy.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Oops13,

Sandi has a point. What's your plan of action? You seem not to want to let on that you know she's having an affair.

Why?

1) You need proof? OK that's legitimate. Do you have it? Are you getting it?
2) You want to bide your time while you talk to a lawyer? That's legit too. When is your appointment?
3) You are not sure what you want to do next - end the marriage or save it? OK for now, don't sit in this space for too long, it will eat you alive and give her an the OM more time plan ways to screw you over financially.

I must stress - *protect* yourself. See a lawyer, have all your contingency plans in place.

Here's an interesting list of things NOT TO DO when you discovered you've been cheated on.... I borrowed from someone else and edited it a bit.

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Very few people navigate this crap gracefully. Accept that youre going to wobble and fail sometimes. Its okay. The goal here, upon finding out that youve been cheated on, is to take back your power, maintain your dignity, and not do anything homicidal.

1. Do not confront your cheater until youve gathered evidence. Most cheaters will lie and gaslight you unless you catch them dead to rights, and even then they usually only cop to what they think you already know. If you confront them before you have the evidence, theres a good chance theyll take the affair more underground. Put all your evidence in a safe place (preferably a lawyers office in a fault divorce state). Never reveal your sources.

2. Never accept responsibility for their cheating. She didnt cheat on you because of your penchant for wearing dark socks and sandals in public. He didnt find f**buddies on Craigslist because of your post-baby muffin top. People cheat because they feel ENTITLED to. Cheaters are 100% responsible for their decision to cheat. If they were unhappy, they couldve gotten counseling, filed for divorce, taken up scrapbooking really most anything other than cheating. They cheat because they value the good feelings they get from ego kibbles and affair sex more than their commitment to you and your health and well-being. People cheat because theyre selfish escapists. Many of them are quite happy to blameshift their crappy decisions on to you. Dont let that happen. Be very clear on what is yours to own (i.e., dark socks/sandals offenses) and what is NOT yours to own (i.e., f**king people you arent married to.)

3. Dont give them any time to decide. Have you heard the expression dont make anyone a priority who only makes you an option? You are not an option. You are their spouse. This is not a contest. They made a commitment to YOU. They dont get to renegotiate the terms. Stalling for time, acting all vague about how they intend to make this right, talking a good game and never coming through on the particulars these are all ploys to keep them in the affair. You CANNOT nice someone out of an affair. Oh, "Ill just make my needs smaller and smaller, or Ill be so wonderful Ill win them back!" are tactics doomed to failure. All you do with appeasement is give the cheater the green light to abuse you further. The cheater needs to decide right then and there or you put their crap in Hefty bags and throw it on the lawn for the raccoons.

4. Do not beg for your marriage. Do not cry or plead or attempt to win them over. Maintain your dignity. When you do the humiliating dance of pick me all you do is feed their egos and give them YOUR power. Now is the time to practice detachment and take care of yourself (see a lawyer, protect your assets, get individual counseling support). Set aside your grief and make room for righteous ANGER. Let it fuel you forward. You are not anyones consolation prize.

5. Do not waste your time trying to figure them out. Seriously, people, this is a time suck. If youre like most betrayed spouses, you spend a lot of time in pointless arguments yelling at your cheater WTF?! How could you DO this? or Does her p***y have some gravitational pull that youre helpless to resist?! or That fedora-headed, hipster idiot? REALLY? Youll posit theories. Youll deconstruct their FOO issues. All this does is keep your energy focused on them. Not YOU. You only get to control yourself. So what do YOU want? Is this person someone you want to invest in? What is acceptable and unacceptable to you? And what are YOU going to do about it? If youre so busy trying to uncode them, or predict what theyll do next, or prevent them from doing some awful thing you will just stay stuck. It doesnt matter why they are how they are. You cant fix it. You just get to fix you.

*************************************************************************************************************************************

I would also state that if you do confront and she offers to end the affair, you have your terms set ahead of time:

1) End the affair in writing with you copied on the email.
2) Ends all contact with the OM
3) She keeps transparent communications with you - email, text, computer.
4) She gets transferred out of that dept, better yet....she changes companies. How can you end contact if you work with the person. Some people say it's a grand gesture to quit your job immediately. I'm not so sure. If she's unemployed and then decides to get back with OM, you might owe her maintenance. Remember, protect yourself. Let her find another job before she quits.
5) You go into couples therapy together.
6) Whatever else is important to you.....




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Yes, meetings are set, and evidence is being collected. I suppose that's why I'm being cryptic. Regardless of what I decide to do, I have to get the evidence angle settled first. So the easiest thing to do is maintain.


May: discover PA
April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA
March: different bedrooms, IC
Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
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Keep us posted.




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Will do. Every day I inch closer to cutting bait. Obviously that wasn't the case earlier, given that I'm here. Can't predict the future but if I could flip a switch and make her go away right now, I'd do it. I've surprised even myself.

Last edited by oops13; 05/15/19 01:15 AM.

May: discover PA
April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA
March: different bedrooms, IC
Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
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Spent some time on the kitchen floor yesterday. I'm still following the plan, and those cracks are becoming increasingly rare and shorter.

I feel like I'm grieving the death of not just the relationship, but of the person I thought she was, and of an ideal that I thought was possible. She was the last person I thought would be capable of this.


May: discover PA
April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA
March: different bedrooms, IC
Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
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Originally Posted by oops13
Spent some time on the kitchen floor yesterday. I'm still following the plan, and those cracks are becoming increasingly rare and shorter.

I feel like I'm grieving the death of not just the relationship, but of the person I thought she was, and of an ideal that I thought was possible. She was the last person I thought would be capable of this.


oops, others have written here the mourning process for D being very similar to the feelings of grief at the death of yor spouse. I feel it is very important to properly deal with those feelings. Every thing you do now should have an eye to being healthy and happy in the future. LIfe is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it. Move forward, but also take time to let the grieving run its course.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Wise words Steve, wise words.

Oops, should we assume you dont want your MR back, right?


WW H(me): 51
W: 47
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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