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oops13 Offline OP
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In some ways this is kind of been awesome for me as a person. Its a shame this is what it took for me to realize I needed to overhaul myself from the inside out.


May: discover PA
April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA
March: different bedrooms, IC
Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
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oops13 Offline OP
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Welp caught them sneaking out together today again. Every time I get more evidence the more I want the divorce myself. Staying the course though and actually able to get a lot of work done today. Deep into GAL.


May: discover PA
April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA
March: different bedrooms, IC
Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
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Major GAL this weekend. Feeling more settled and indifferent. Good.


May: discover PA
April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA
March: different bedrooms, IC
Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
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Alright got a few minutes to dump some things:

- She seems to be wanting to do more stuff together. It's odd. Maybe just cake eating. Going along with it for now.
- GAL is exceedingly easy for me right now. Hopefully it stays that way.
- Noticing their activity on Friday has me feeling better in some way. It's like I know that much more about what I'm dealing with.
- Detaching is finally starting to take. Obviously not perfect, but it seems like my feelings are more stable, I'm in my own head now more often and not in hers. I'm enjoying things again. I just feel more okay the last few days. I'm sure this will buckle at times.
- Ive set light boundaries through actions. Basically keeping my family to myself. I told her I was going to do mother's day alone without any hemming and hawing and she just kind of took it.


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March: different bedrooms, IC
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Keep on DB. It takes time. There is a song by Lil Peep. I like trap rap. Its called Awful Things. Go listen to it. It pretty much sums up that the awful things they do and say make it easy for us to detach and move on.

Yes she is cake eating. Dont feed the beast. If she is in an active affair but you are still doing things together, that is right where she wants you, in the friend zone.


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S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
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O,

Your W is definitely cake eating. Your writing is kind of cryptic.

What are examples of these light boundaries?


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�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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oops13 Offline OP
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Light boundaries might be a misnomer or giving me too much credit. Basically I just tell her I want to do some things alone. All the family events and stuff right now I just go do by myself and if she asks to come along I tell her I'm doing it alone. Im doing what I can without letting on that I know.

I'm feeling MUCH better than I was not long ago. I have to grit my teeth a little when doing things with her or showing affection. I have to make myself spend some time at home to continue 180s, otherwise I'd be away constantly. I'm ready to rock the boat and ready to move on, mostly. Every day it gets a little easier to feel good, but a little harder to engage in my own deception but I have to do it to prepare for the worst.

What is funny is that she bought a relationship-saving book. I didn't really feel anything when I saw it. I'm betting it's a stage prop or something to feed rationalization about "trying".

I'm definitely going to ratchet down the availability some more though and be too busy to do things with her.

SoTorn, I'll check out that song. Thank you.

Last edited by oops13; 05/13/19 02:18 PM.

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I think your read on the book is dead on. My WW bought a couple as well. Never even cracked them open. It was her way of easing her conscience. So she could say later, I even bought blah blah blah books. Keep DBing. Form your strategy. Be prepared when she brings the book up later when you kick her out of the MBR. "See, I even got this book to help with on things!" Don't fall for it. You'll know without a doubt if and when her A is over and she is really ready to work on things.


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Yeah. I think what I can do at this point is just stop giving affection. Maybe that won't spook them and it'll be something for me.


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Oops13.

Just started following this thread. I'm an old timer. Used to spend lots of time here.

First of all, I'm sorry you're here.

So, from what I see you suspect your wife is having an affair. All the evidence seems to point this way.

Ok...so what do you want? A divorce? Do you want to save the marriage?

Here's a strategy that will work for either situation. 1-4 are universal. 5 and 6 and the forks in the road. Pardon the numbers, it help me organize my thoughts.

1) GAL, take care of yourself. You seem to be doing this.

2) Detach - well easier said than done. It's almost impossible to do that when your spouse is acting like a WAW and having an affair. Don't beat yourself up about this. It's natural to get obsessed by it. Try your best not to, but hey, I get it. Doing alpha-male sports that force "one-mind" activities like Boxing, Karate, MMA or Rock Climbing not only get you in shape, they make you bad-ass, get your mind off the situation even for a couple of hours. Activities that force you to concentrate and require lots of focus free up your mind from the drama.

3) See a lawyer ASAP. Know your rights, even if you don't want a divorce. Since you don't have kids, this doesn't look like it would be terribly complex. Usually 50/50. You both work.

4) Get evidence, just so you can be sure. Hire a private investigator. She's clearly having an EA, you need to know if it's a PA.

5) If you want a divorce, then file for one.

6) If you want to save your marriage, you probably need to get to the point in the book *The Divorce Remedy* they call the *last-resort technique*, then there's the *after the last resort technique* and finally *the ultimatum*. The advice threads here tend not to go there, and it's often that people go for months without confronting their spouse of an affair, or staying in the relationship while she knows that you know she's cheating. Start the last resort technique NOW. Why? For your sanity and self-respect. This is necessary when your WAW is having an affair. Once you have the evidence and want to save the marriage, it's time to confront and offer an ultimatum: Him or me. This is a show of alpha-strength and it's very attractive. And MWD recommends it, believe it or not. Read the book. In fact she recommends the more extreme strategies during affairs since 180's and GAL alone often don't have the power to shake a person off the fog of a an affair or a new romance with all the endorphins. You've tried that and it isn't working. These more extreme techniques don't get discussed on these boards.They may or may not work, but you need to be firm in your resolve. As you try to "nice" her back in the marriage while she's screwing another man, she loses respect for you and you'll end up getting screwed in the divorce. The last resort technique, the after the last resort technique and ultimatums are the clearest forms of detachment. It shows that you value yourself. It shows you have boundaries. When you offer the ultimatum, have your lawyer ready to file if she chooses the OM. Tell her you love her, want to stay married, and show her the evidence of the affair and tell her to choose NOW. She needs to end it with him, go into marriage therapy now, and get transferred to another company division, better yet another company. She must end all contact with him. Yeah - it's tough - but it she wants to save the marriage, she will. If she hems and haws and tries fake vs real remorse, then it's time to have your lawyer file. Letting this drag out will kill you emotionally and physically - the stress is too much. Pardon my French, but man-up, and fish or cut bait.

7) Again, I'm sorry you're here. I've been here. I made all the mistakes I'm warning you against.

Last edited by theoden; 05/13/19 04:03 PM.



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