OM Backed Out

[tadpole1025]

Thank you.

I have a little more time to write now that I'm home from work. I didn't sleep much last night and the sleep that I did get was consumed by dreams of XW and OM. Bttrfly mentioned that this whole thing seemed like a game of chicken on the part of OM. Maybe, but what would be the point? Is he afraid? Is XW afraid? Are they just ashamed of what they did and can't face me together?

I forgot to mention earlier that when we were going through the divorce, she had a terrible cough. She blamed it on me. Well, she still has it. Or....it just magically came back last night. (Personally, I think it is nerves.)

As for the former MIL, no one knows what your XW told her about the situation, but I'm glad she saw that you came and spoke to her other daughter. Tad, try to remember...you did nothing wrong.

Job, I'd be willing to bet she has been told all sorts of things. She used to love me and would light up every time I'd walk into the room. She's known me since I was 16. I was in high school when I met her. I even lived with them and went to school for a short time. (Long story.) At the time, she told me that it was "so nice that XW was dating someone that was decent." I guess it just bothers me that she obviously believes anything that she may have been told about me. Last night was the first time I had seen her in about a decade.

I think you have come a long way and I am very proud of you for going to the party.

Thank you. Knowing how I feel today, I am even more glad that OM was not there, but I am glad I went for my son.

How can you say you were not enough?

Thanks for the response Diane. My XW has always been a little materialistic and is even more so now with the MLC. She has always been in competition with her friends and even to a greater degree with her sister. Every time her sister did something, XW had to do it better. It will be interesting pretty soon though...her sister just got engaged again. That means a nice big wedding....XW will have to out-do her somehow.

The blood line continues. She did not have this with anyone else. And she will never share this with anyone else.

True. She'll never have that with anyone. She'll also never have the relationship/history that we have. Our relationship was built on love and trust. Her current relationship is built on deception and lies. You'd think that it would catch up with her eventually...or that she would realize just what she has done. I'm not the best-looking dude, don't make tons of money, but I was always 100% faithful and we had a great history. The fact that she can just dispose of it like an old pair of shoes really bothers me.

When your eyes locked, you did not see the cold stare.

Right, but what was it? It was almost a peak of the old XW that I fell in love with, not the cold, terrible person that she has become. It just still baffles me how cold and indifferent she is. When she dropped the bomb, she was DONE. That's it. Finished. No discussion. 25 years gone. End of story.

Don' t be hard on yourself. Be proud and thankful for the years you shared.

I am proud and thankful. I don't think she is. I actually think she views them as wasted years. If she was thankful for them, I don't think that they would be that easy to throw away.

You know, I see her all of the time at my son's shows and it doesn't bother me as much. I think the problem with last night was that it was a family setting....my boys, my niece, XW, XMIL, XSIL....like it used to be. There were people there that I used to have great relationships with, but are now no longer "allowed" to socialize with them.

Then, there was that eye contact that was NOT the shark eyes...for a brief moment, it was the old XW. My girl. The girl that I loved and would do anything for. She was there....and then gone again.

I'll be honest. I've been doing pretty good lately but, am a little ashamed that things like last night still mess me up. Maybe I should just man up and shut up. People get divorced every day. In October, it will be nine years since bomb drop. NINE FREAKING YEARS. And, I'm still coming to this board...

[Gerda]

Tad, I checked in to find out how it went and I am totally mystified at your interpretation of your heart and your self!

I was really kind of glad when I saw what you wrote. Not glad you suffered, but glad that you confirmed that love is real and forever.

You love unconditionally. You committed your heart and you still love your woman, the love of your life, even if her body is currently occupied/overtaken by an alien.

Why is loving her when you saw her, the real W, across the darkness, why is that a reason to beat yourself up?

Every woman on this board longs for a man who loves like that.

Your W is the one whose heart turned to stone. I don't know your story but assume it's the same one we all have, some trauma from her past, never resolved, blamed on you.

If her MLC has nothing to do with you, why would it be possible for you to kill the love you felt for her? Why just because she chose to trash her life would it mean that you would be able to kill your own feelings?

The point of GAL and all the rest is to learn how to walk through the pain and make a life for yourself and heal. Being a rock doesn't mean your heart became stone.

I am sorry for all your pain, and I know that brand of pain well. But I see your love as a victory. It's a cross to bear, and if you don't want to wait for XW, I am sure that you will one day heal enough to give that love to someone else and to feel the sting of it for your XW less than you do right now. But to me, it's a victory that you feel that kind of love, it will be a victory if you feel it until the end, and I don't think you should ever try to stomp it out, even if you have to put it in a little box when you meet someone else. It is a horribly sad sad thing that happened to your marriage and to the woman you knew, it is okay to think about it and grieve for it anytime you see her. It's normal to miss her, it's not a sign of weakness. You had the courage to go to this event, you had the courage to hang out with her, you had the courage to face in-laws who don't understand you. (And the force of your goodness and your rightful place at that event was even too much for the slimy interloper to bear, he skulked back into the shadows for the day.)

You are brave, strong and loving. VICTORY!

[DnJ]

Good Morning Tad

I am glad you went to the party. I know how difficult a decision that was to make and accept.

Screw it.

I'm going.

That was made when OM was still to be going. Our biggest steps are the internal ones; but aren’t all the steps really internal?

Your outlook and situation changed a bit, with your internal shift.

I eagerly awaited news on how the party went and how you felt and fared. I was glad to see it was drama-free and without incident. It is very good of you to speak with XSIL and XMIL. Cordial, amicable, kind, and with feelings stirred is a very good outcome from such an event.

I did postpone responding with my own thoughts and encouragement. As I said, eagerly awaiting - I wanted to think on this for a spell and not just feel it.

I saw an internal shift within you; I propose a few more. Feel free to tell me “DnJ you’re out to lunch!”. I won’t be offended.

I went to the party, but I'm really p!ssed at myself. She still has a hold on me and probably always will. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself and am not as "done" as I had thought. I may never be "done" at this rate.

This sux.

My grandmother used to tell me that I was too sentimental...that I was a sentimental fool. Maybe it is because she was my very first "true love" or maybe I just have a really bad personality flaw. Maybe I'll never completely be "done." After all my tough talk of not wanting to be friends and wanting nothing to do with her, and after all of the lies and everything that she has done....she still has a hold on me.

I hate it and hate the fact that (even though I no longer know her) she still gets to me.

A different internal view perhaps.

Of course she has a hold on you.

My XW, her memory and our wonderful life together, totally lives within me.

One cannot rid themselves of their feelings and memories. Feelings are not within our control, our thoughts are, and they can influence our feelings and beliefs.

If one is attempting to be done with their spouse it will lead to regret, resentment, disappointment, and being p!ssed. Instead, realize the truth and embrace it. You loved your W, and still do.

I love my W, XW, mother of my children - whoever, how ever many layers of detachment you wish to place between - I still love her. Love her enough to let her go. Her and I lived and loved for 30 years. That just doesn’t go away, and I suspect it won’t. I can love her and someone else, my heart is big enough.

I do not believe you have a personality flaw. After all she has done, the lies, everything - it is ok to love her. Do not hate that! You possess a fine quality that you see as a flaw - shift that internal perspective. Please!

Be accurate in thought and heart. Does she really have a hold on you? Or is it you doing the holding? On yourself and her? Fear?

It is ok. Accept your feelings, understand, be compassionate - especially to yourself.

Flip this completely on its head. Do a huge 180.

I hate love it and hate love the fact that (even though I no longer know her) she still gets to me.

Looks weird right?

Love and hate are both of the same desire and passion, just different ends of that spectrum, and only a razors breadth apart. Indifference is the opposite of that desire.

Hating, show passions and desire. Look and accept it from a loving point of view. There is nothing wrong with your feelings. It shows much about Tad. Much good about Tad! Embrace that. Love that.

Something we have all heard:

Accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot change or erase your feelings or past. Choose wisdom and accept.

Kindness, compassion, understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance.

Tad, I see you right on the cusp of a wonderful shift within yourself. You have seen your feelings, you know your feelings. Now you just need to look at them and yourself from a different perspective.

Then, there was that eye contact that was NOT the shark eyes...for a brief moment, it was the old XW. My girl. The girl that I loved and would do anything for. She was there....and then gone again.

I'll be honest. I've been doing pretty good lately but, am a little ashamed that things like last night still mess me up. Maybe I should just man up and shut up. People get divorced every day. In October, it will be nine years since bomb drop. NINE FREAKING YEARS. And, I'm still coming to this board...

You have nothing to be ashamed of; you are a good person. I think you know manning up isn’t the answer that works for you. Most of us, that find our way here, are cut from a different cloth. There are other website that support a more cut and dried approach; and not a very compassionate approach in my opinion.

You, Tad, are worth the effort required for the compassionate and forgiving route. Believe that!

I do hope that makes some sense. I am willing to discuss and explorer anything further that you wish to, or I could just be out to lunch.

DnJ

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Gerda and DnJ.

Where to start...

I was really kind of glad when I saw what you wrote. Not glad you suffered, but glad that you confirmed that love is real and forever.

Yes, I believe that love is real and forever. I married XW forever. I've always believed that if I ever became single again, for whatever reason, I would not marry again.

You love unconditionally. You committed your heart and you still love your woman, the love of your life, even if her body is currently occupied/overtaken by an alien.

Haha. "Love of my life." Very true statement. I used to tell her that all of the time. She never minded hearing that she was the love of my life until all this started. Then, she told me to stop saying that she was the love of my life. Funny thing is...I knew the first time that I ever saw her that I was nuts about her.

December 23, 1983
I was 16 years old. She walked by my house as I was standing outside. Her eyes got my attention. Absolutely beautiful. I did not talk to her that day. In fact, it was another six months before I would even see her again but.....I knew. Sound crazy?

Why is loving her when you saw her, the real W, across the darkness, why is that a reason to beat yourself up?

I don't know. I guess that maybe I think I should be past it by now. I know a lot of divorced people that have moved on....really moved on. I thought I had.

If her MLC has nothing to do with you, why would it be possible for you to kill the love you felt for her? Why just because she chose to trash her life would it mean that you would be able to kill your own feelings?

? ? ?

Never thought of it like that....

But I see your love as a victory. It's a cross to bear, and if you don't want to wait for XW, I am sure that you will one day heal enough to give that love to someone else and to feel the sting of it for your XW less than you do right now. But to me, it's a victory that you feel that kind of love, it will be a victory if you feel it until the end, and I don't think you should ever try to stomp it out, even if you have to put it in a little box when you meet someone else.

Thanks Gerda.

Honestly, I'm not looking for a new relationship. I would like someone to do things with if I found someone that had the same likes and dislikes as me, but I really have no plans for another relationship. Even if I did get romantically involved with someone and even if I did break my own rule and get married again, I honestly can't see myself ever feeling the way I felt about XW. Plus, I'm 51. This kid didn't age well.

I saw an internal shift within you; I propose a few more. Feel free to tell me “DnJ you’re out to lunch!”. I won’t be offended.

Nah DnJ. It's all good. No worries.

You loved your W, and still do.

Maybe, but I feel like I shouldn't. I mean, after the cheating, lies, cheating, cheating, lies, lies, and cheating,....



?

I guess I just feel like that unless I bury the way I feel about her, I'll always hurt. I'm tired of hurting, sadness...all of it. I've been doing pretty good lately, but the event just seemed to stir up a lot of emotions. I actually had to turn away when our eyes locked the other night because I didn't want her to see me upset. Like I said, I was disappointed that those feelings still existed. Thought I was pretty much done.

I do not believe you have a personality flaw. After all she has done, the lies, everything - it is ok to love her. Do not hate that! You possess a fine quality that you see as a flaw - shift that internal perspective. Please!

Thank you. I'll try.

Be accurate in thought and heart. Does she really have a hold on you? Or is it you doing the holding? On yourself and her? Fear?

Not sure...I think though if she does still affect me like she did the other night, I would say that she has a hold....or something.

You have nothing to be ashamed of; you are a good person. I think you know manning up isn’t the answer that works for you. Most of us, that find our way here, are cut from a different cloth.

Thank you. Thanks for the kind words. I don't believe that you are out to lunch. Today was better, but still a little down. Proud of myself that I went, just wish that it didn't affect me the way it did. Just surprised me a little.

I need to get out and do something tomorrow.

Tad

[Ginger1]

I’m very proud of you for going! Your son must have been so happy. And it sounds like you went in there, held your head high and enjoyed yourself.

As far as your ex. I think me and my ex are the most detached ever and truly have no feelings for each other. 9 years together, 4 married. Of course I’m in communication and seeing each other often because we share a young child. He has been married to his OW for 7 years now. I have a wonderful boyfriend. We still have fleeting moments rarely of connection. Does it mean either of us has a strong hold on each other? Nope. It’s just human nature when you share so much with one person.

Stop being so hard on yourself. You are human and aren’t going to be dead inside towards someone you shared your life with. That’s an actual impossible expectation.

Tell me, do you think you would have been happier if you missed the event?

And FTR, I think OM was intimidated by seeing YOU. That’s usually how it goes.

Stop being so hard on yourself for having feelings. They are completely normal!

[Brubeck]

Hi Tad,

I have very little to add. Just my 2 cents.

It was expected of many that you come to the shower. It was indeed a GREAT show of character to engage and talk to XSIL and XMIL. As job said, it's a demonstrative display of class on your part. It shows that you've risen above all the sh!t, even if you genuinely haven't.

I will guess OM did not appear because of your presence.

As for the cross to bear of still loving your XW, I don't know what to say. It's very hopeful on your part, that you still see a touch of the old person in there.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Ginger1 and Brubeck.

I've always had a tendency to be hard on myself. As for being happier if I hadn't gone....not sure. I'm glad I went for my son. Just wish the whole thing wouldn't have bothered me so much. Again, I think a lot of it had to do with it being a family setting.

As for XW, I suppose I will always love her to some extent. Loving her though is what makes all of this so difficult.

I'm doing better as time goes on. I will see her again at my son's concert on May 17th.

Tad

[Gerda]

Your love is a triumph, Tad. Nothing to be ashamed of. Something to be proud of. It hurts. But -- it's beautiful, it's a light. From the darkness, your love for her does not look like weakness, it looks like a very strong flame.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Gerda.

Very nice words.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Hey everyone. Just checking in.

I'm doing better since the baby shower "moment.".

I was supposed to see XW at S26's concert on the 17th, but she backed out at last minute. That seems to be a common thing lately.

I've been trying to take care of my health, but my sugar has been high again lately. The 2 year anniversary of my heart attack and stopping smoking is coming up. Still haven't lost the weight that I want, but I'm still trying. (Ongoing battle.)

Anyways, just wanted to check in. I've been spending lots of time outside and taking animal pictures.



Tad