Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
I’ve been thinking about my sitch, and especially about how my MR and life in SoCal has been.....

I have my family and friends from where I grew up / went to grad school in OH, but I’ve had to let a lot go, and with the move to SoCal and my focus on a new career in teaching, I really didn’t dedicate myself to finding or making new friends out here. Which kinda [bleep]s—but one of the blessings now is that I can reconnect with old friends and meet new people, which I am looking forward to.

I heard this song last week, when I was moving my car between parking lots at school when I stayed late to do videoboard for a baseball game. I’m not exactly a country music type of guy, but this song (lyrics below) totally made me think of the self-differentiation and GAL that the forum talks about.

Miss Me More (Kelsea Ballerini)

I retired my red lipstick 'cause you said you didn't like it
I didn't wear my high heel shoes
'Cause I couldn't be taller than you
I didn't wanna lose my friends, but now it's hard to even find them
It's what you wanted, ain't it?
It's what you wanted

I thought I'd miss you (when it ended)
I thought it hurt me (but it didn't)
I thought I'd miss you
I thought I'd miss you

But I miss me more
I miss my own beat, to my own snare drum
I miss me more
Miss my own sheets in the bed I made up
I forgot I had dreams, I forgot I had wings
Forgot who I was before I ever kissed you
Yeah, I thought I'd miss you
But I miss me more (I miss me more)

I put on my old records that I hid in the back of the closet
And I turn them up to ten
And then I played them all again
I found my independence
Can't believe I ever lost it
What you wanted, ain't it?
It's what you wanted

I thought I'd miss you (when it ended)
I thought it hurt me (but it didn't)
I thought I'd miss you
Yeah, I thought I'd miss you

But I miss me more
I miss my own beat, to my own snare drum
(I miss me more)
Miss my own sheets in the bed I made up
I forgot I had dreams, I forgot I had wings
Forgot who I was before I ever kissed you
Yeah, I thought I'd miss you
But I miss me more (I miss me more)

I thought I'd miss you
I thought it hurt me
And I'd wanna kiss you
I thought I'd miss you

But I miss me more
I miss my own beat, to my own snare drum
(I miss me more)
Miss my own sheets in the bed I made up
I forgot I had dreams, I forgot I had wings
Forgot who I was before I ever kissed you
And I thought I'd miss you
But I miss me more
(I miss me more)
(I miss me more)
(I miss me more)


M: 36
W: 30
T: 9
M: 7

S6 (OS)
S7mo (YS)

ILYBINILWY BD: Feb. ‘18

W Wants S / D BD: 1/4/19

H / W still in-house

D papers from W: 3/14/19
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 311
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 311
It sounds like GAL'ing and detaching might actually help you in your sitch (needy). Show your wife that you can give her the space she needs. GAL'ing for me centers around a few things:

1) Making my bed every day.
2) Trying to cook as much as possible when I'm by myself--instead of going out to eat.
3) Exercising.
4) Calling at least one friend or family member every day.
5) Meeting up with friends/family members more often.
6) Planning and going on more vacations.

Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
Song sounds exactly like my WAW. I kind of understand how one could lose their identity in a co dependant relationship or marriage. I wish more women could explain to me how this happens over time though through their eyes, their perspective, and their experience?...Is it because they go through so many years, and so much trouble of wanting to be liked, wanting to be seen, wanting to be loved for who they are, that they sacrifice themselves to the point where they go numb and lose their identity?

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283

Concerts, Hiking, Photography, Fishing, Hunting, Bike Rides,Dinners Out alone, Movies, Gardening, Target practice, Motorcycle rides, Dancing,Walks,Dog Park,Bowling,Escape Rooms,Shopping,Sunsets, Sunrises,Visit friends out of town,Pool, Darts....


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by Sh74
IronWill,

What are you doing to work on yourself? I am exercising, being a better husband, and trying to become a better Christian. But I am really struggling with this one. I really like being home with my family (including my wife).


Sh, I brought this over from IronWill's thread to no hijack it.

So what are you struggling with? None of the things you've listed are mutually exclusive. Taking an hour or two to exercise doesn't prevent you from being home Nor does being a better husband or Christian.

Is it GAL in general? If so, you don't have to be out running around 24x7 to GAL. It just means that you have other things you are doing. Making sure you spend time with your kids should always supersede GAL. The biggest piece of GAL is to prevent you from smothering your WAS, following them around like a puppy dog, or sitting idle and stewing in your sitch.

Staying busy can include being home. Some of things I do to keep busy:

- Housework. W handles most things but there is always dusting, vacuuming, cleaning (windows anyone?) that can be done!
- Yardwork. Another one that is rarely "done".
- Cleaning the vehicles. Always a chance to vacuum, clean the windows, and detail the interior.
- Cleaning my guns. I go to the range at least twice a month. Always a gun or two that needs to be cleaned. And it is always good to clean guns that have just been in the safe for a while.
- Organizing a room or an area. Not sure about most of you but parts of my basement could always use a good organization!
- Reading books. Never stop the self learning!
- Will be opening the pool. That thing requires lots of maintenance!

My parents just hit 51 years of marriage. Looking back I think their marriage was successful, despite many mistakes by both of them, because my dad was ALWAYS busy. He was never sitting doing nothing when I was growing up.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
Steve 85. Your list of "to do's" are literally and exactly what I did before BD which made W feel she was being ignored, and I was "just off doing my own thing" while W wanted to just either sit and watch reality tv, get out with people, or road trip on a whim taking little responsibility for house maintenance on her end. It was always a struggle and a balancing act in completing things for me not only because of her social schedule but because I was doing most of the work, plus working and traveling. On my end, in all fairness, stiff would get backed up around the house because of work travel, or being too exhausted, or getting up too early and home too late. Then when I would take time to go to the range for myself every now and again, or tactical train, that was viewed as me being selfish not helping her enough. I miss going to the range. Haven't been there in a year. All this division of labor, and seperatism, and my demanding nature that W do her share, but me not completing mine is what mostly lead to the downfall. Loved cleaning my guns more than I did shooting them. Used to clean them once a month. I've transferred them else where since BD, "just in case", but W still retains pistol I got her that she has never fired. I was trying to get her for the range for 3 years for some safety and proficiency training. But she would never do it with me, or commit. Ironically now she's thinking about going there with Brothers ex-girlfriend who is now divorced some different guy. it's really strange all the things I want to do in the places I wanted to go 6 months to 5 years ago. Like growing crops homesteading living rural, being a minimalist, etc. Is all the things that the wife wants to do now away from me. All these things was never interested in before. My younger brother said it's not that she didn't want to do these things, she just didn't want to do them with you. My pool is black right now.m lol.. But ill get it clear. Have perfected that,

Last edited by IHCLACS; 05/21/19 01:31 PM.
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
It used to be that whenever we said "you need to GAL" the response was almost always "but I don't like to go to bars". Talk about misunderstanding what GAL means! Here are some of the things I did to GAL:

Reached out to old friends, some that I hadn't talked to in decades. Made lunch and dinner dates with them.

Restarted several old hobbies I hadn't dabbled in for a while- building model cars, building remote controlled planes (that eventually morphed into designing some planes which are still being sold today), working on motorcycles.

Remodeled my backyard/ pool area into a tiki retreat.

Took some painting classes.

Took a class in glass fusing.

Started sculpting in clay.

Joined a gym and got back into working out, which led to making some new friends.

Started dressing better.

Started doing more with my kids- going to parks, movies, shopping, etc.

Volunteered with Habitat for Humanity.

Started long motorcycle rides with a group of neighbors.


25 hasn't posted here in a while but she was a master of GALing. Here is a post she made about it some time ago when someone else asked this same question:

Quote
For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. And I had 3 kids including a baby.

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. And imo, we cannot detach without GAL.

I believe the more you overcome inertia, and feel detachment, an ironic by product will be better R's with all people, including your w.

All of these upped my self esteem.

Okay so I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

*I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.


*Rehearsing one night, I realized it had been hours without me thinking about H or our m, or doing any obsessing, & that was huge. Even more importantly, I learned to be IN the moment. When you do live theater, You cannot waste time regretting a missed cue earlier, and you have to think on your feet and ad lib and not think about the next act or anticipate things. There is only "now" and you make the best of that moment.

It's a wonderful important experience, and lesson for life I think.

*I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well and again, you are in the moment and reacting to the audience, so you perform and listen. And the more you learn to laugh at things that would otherwise make you uncomfortable, the smoother a lot of life becomes.

You have probably heard that the line between tragedy and comedy is a fine one, and it's true.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better downhill skier.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at shooting. Learned some patience too, and respect nature more.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding it. Jetskiing is great if you are near water in a warm place.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license. Ground school for flying challenged a different part of my brain, as did learning to fly. Jim - I know you have the height issue/fear, but thing is, flying a plane isn't like peering over the edge of a bridge. Know what I mean?


And I edited a hunting book for a hunting guide/friend up there. The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?

I worked out 3-4 times a week, and got in excellent shape. As you know, Looking good makes a world of difference to us. Found a (female) work out partner and began socializing after the work outs. As you mention, the endorphin affect matters.

I was trying to lose the baby weight and It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark cold Long winters. Totally worth the efforts. In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me feel more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps me feel better.

I saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very different and unlike me to do, but my friend needed a pottery partner and I'm glad I went. I liked it a lot & took another class last winter.

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty.
I Wish I had joined sooner. I met two women who got me thru a dark time and are life long friends to this day.

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but these are all things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training/skydiving, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

If you like music, check that out.


Good luck.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Sh74

3. For GAL - I have been coming home from work, making dinner with my wife, having family dinner, and then I have been exercising. I have lost about 30 pounds since January.


Making dinner with your wife and having family dinner is NOT what GAL means. GAL is "GET OUT and get a life" meaning OUTSIDE of your marriage. When your marriage is in trouble to the point that you've been BD'd, then your spouse is in major need of time and space. You can't give them that if you are there all the time. If your wife is part of the activity then it's not "GAL". It is in fact the opposite of GAL.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
Steve 85. Your list of "to do's" are literally and exactly what I did before BD which made W feel she was being ignored, and I was "just off doing my own thing" while W wanted to just either sit and watch reality tv, get out with people, or road trip on a whim taking little responsibility for house maintenance on her end. It was always a struggle and a balancing act in completing things for me not only because of her social schedule but because I was doing most of the work, plus working and traveling. On my end, in all fairness, stiff would get backed up around the house because of work travel, or being too exhausted, or getting up too early and home too late. Then when I would take time to go to the range for myself every now and again, or tactical train, that was viewed as me being selfish not helping her enough. I miss going to the range. Haven't been there in a year. All this division of labor, and seperatism, and my demanding nature that W do her share, but me not completing mine is what mostly lead to the downfall. Loved cleaning my guns more than I did shooting them. Used to clean them once a month. I've transferred them else where since BD, "just in case", but W still retains pistol I got her that she has never fired. I was trying to get her for the range for 3 years for some safety and proficiency training. But she would never do it with me, or commit. Ironically now she's thinking about going there with Brothers ex-girlfriend who is now divorced some different guy. it's really strange all the things I want to do in the places I wanted to go 6 months to 5 years ago. Like growing crops homesteading living rural, being a minimalist, etc. Is all the things that the wife wants to do now away from me. All these things was never interested in before. My younger brother said it's not that she didn't want to do these things, she just didn't want to do them with you. My pool is black right now.m lol.. But ill get it clear. Have perfected that,


IHC, this is a typical problem that LBSs have. "She said X, Y, and Z........because of what I did prior to BD." And they think a 180 is to to things different after BD.

This is really 2 mistakes: 1) You are believing what she says. 2) You think that the complaints on BD are things you should immediately 180 on.

Obviously, 1 is always wrong. Believe nothing they say. 2 is just a bad idea.

For instance, a WAS says to their LBS, "ILYBNILWY, need space, and my biggest complaint is lack of sex." So that night the LBS says "I guess I should 180 on the lack of sex" and tries to initiate. How do you think that would go?

The mistake LBSs often make is thinking they can fix things by doing things they should have done pre BD, or not doing things they shouldn't do pre-BD, It is kind of like a car and routine maintenance. Doing the routine maintenance like changing the oil will keep the car running well. However, if you neglect the maintenance, and don't do the oil changes, once the engine seizes up changing the oil would be a waste of time.

SO IHC, (and for Sh74), you stay busy to give her time and space, regardless of what her complaints were pre-BD. After BD, trying to spend time with her is the wrong approach, no matter what her pre-BD complaints were.

Same thing happened in my sitch. I had isolated myself. We were ships passing in the night in the house. After BD, I talked her into MC. MC had us do Love Languages. Her main one was Words of Affirmation. Second was Quality Time. She verbally rebelled against that. "I do NOT want to spend quality time with you." Pre-BD spending QT would have been a perfect "oil change" for our MR. After BD the engine was seized and oil changes became superfluous.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
IH... Really great advice here. I think you are in a really crucial point in your R and what you do now is going to set the stage for what is to come. I think you can be there for your family but also find ways to GAL. You don’t need to be out every night but try to aim for 2 to 3 nights at first. Just get out... give your W space... act as if... make her wonder a bit and be curious about who you are. At this point, she thinks she knows everything there is to know about you. I know you don’t feel like being away from her right now which is exactly why you should be. Force yourself. Find ways to laugh again. Stop focusing on your W and what she is doing. It sounds to me like she has told you where she is at emotionally but hasn’t fully checked out yet. She will if you continue to stay around the house and demonstrate your neediness. That is WAY TOO MUCH pressure. Take the pressure off. Show her, and yourself, that you will be just fine whether she chooses to stay or go. Human beings are complicated but also simple... we always want what we can’t have...or think we can’t. We also aren’t too attracted to a “sure thing”...especially a sure thing that will put up with our bad behaviour. That is where the loss of respect comes in.

Honestly... I forced myself for the longest time to GAL. I had a New Year’s party even though it was the last thing I felt like doing. I said “yes” to every invitation I got to do something with someone else. I went to my staff party when I didn’t want to go. I started exercising more...went on a vacation with my kids and my STBXH H’s mother. My STBXH had an OW and as soon as he admitted it to me, it made GAL that much easier. I had no choice. Also, once I knew for sure that my future is not going to include my STBXH, I decided to start dating. I went on seven first dates with really nice guys who did wonders for my self esteem and also addressed my secret fear that I would not ever be seen as attractive by anyone again. Now I’m dating someone exclusively who may not turn out to be Mr. Right but he has definitely added to my life and I am enjoying being affectionate with him and having that affection returned. That is something that was not happening with my STBXH who had basically been ignoring me for four years. I strongly believe in marriage, loyalty and commitment which is why I put up with him for so long. GAL and detaching enabled me to see, finally, that he is not that same kind of person and probably will never be.

Just do the best you can and focus on you and your kids right now. Let your W do what she needs to do and stop chasing after her. You will be glad you did no matter what the outcome. (((HUGS))) smile

Page 2 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard