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Re: What do I do? Ignore ? part 2 [Re: JimmyRig] #2852566
06/11/19 04:29 PM
06/11/19 04:29 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 2,861
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LH19 Online
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JR,

The only thing I can tell you is to try really hard to keep together for your kids. If they see your alright they are likely to be alright. If they see you fall apart they will likely fall apart. They are young so they probably won’t quite understand.

Stay strong my friend!


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? part 2 [Re: JimmyRig] #2852567
06/11/19 04:30 PM
06/11/19 04:30 PM
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Steve85 Offline
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Originally Posted by JimmyRig
Now she wants the kids 5yo and going to be 7 to meet with a therepist to help them cope after we tell them we are splitting up. I don't know if I will be able to keep it together when I see their look on their faces.

Thoughts? Encouragement


Keep it together for them.They need to see you strong and resolved. Be their rock. Remember, Alpha male. You can't control what happens to you but you can control how you react to it! Later, when you are alone, ball your eyes out.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? part 2 [Re: JimmyRig] #2852571
06/11/19 04:52 PM
06/11/19 04:52 PM
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Gekko Offline
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Originally Posted by JimmyRig
Now she wants the kids 5yo and going to be 7 to meet with a therepist to help them cope after we tell them we are splitting up. I don't know if I will be able to keep it together when I see their look on their faces.

Thoughts? Encouragement


Sorry you are going through this JR, it's tough. I went through the whole "tell the kids" thing about 4 months ago and my kids are about the same ages as yours. The older one cried and the younger one didn't really get it. It was hard to see my kid crying and hurting but I manned-up and did not cry, instead I was comforting and reassuring. It actually wasn't even much of a struggle not to cry, I just told myself it wasn't going to happen, no way.

You can do the same. You have the strength within you to be an unwavering rock. Be strong for your kids and yourself. The stronger you are the better you will feel throughout the whole process.


H: 51 W:39
M: 8 T:12
S(7) D(4)
BD: 10/18 (ILYBINILWY)
IHS: 1/19
W filed D: 4/19
Physical Separation 8/19
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? part 2 [Re: JimmyRig] #2852581
06/11/19 05:31 PM
06/11/19 05:31 PM
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Posts: 7,141
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AnotherStander Offline
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Jimmy I'm going to warn you right now, prepare yourself for some incoming heavy lumber. Some people get 2x4's, I'm sending you some 4x8's. I would be remiss in my duty if I didn't try to help you right your wrongs, so please look at this as constructive criticism.

Originally Posted by JimmyRig
I think I was doing well with patience and space.

I had the boys last night and the 6 to has been sick and was tossing and turning coughing and wheezing so I tried to get a hold of her to ask what she had done the prior nights to make him feel and sleep better.

A couple of texts and two call with 2 rings and then voicemail with good time in between. So I dial her moms cell and finally get through.

Then this exchange.


I think maybe there are some things you haven't been telling us about your interactions with your W. If there is truth in what she is saying, and it sounds like there is, then wow that is something you need to do a FAST and IMMEDIATE 180 on. That kind of passive/aggressive behavior is EXACTLY what kills marriages.

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Her When you do what you did last night, call me and start yelling and questioning me, it tells me nothing has changed with you.


Is this really what you did? Your S was sick, which is YOUR responsibility because it's YOUR time to care for him, and you call her ranting and raving? Blow up her phone? Call her mom because she's not answering fast enough for you? THAT IS BAD, REALLY BAD.

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But i'm not a punching bag for you. You don't get to abuse me like that. It's not warranted, or how you should treat any person. I only wish you could really hear and understand what I'm saying to you.


If you really did what she is saying, then she is completely correct on this. And not only that, from what I can see she is not being overly emotional in her delivery, but is instead being direct and truthful.

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Me I hear what your saying to me and am sorry that I made you feel bad. I was scared and mad that you would not pick up because I was trying to make him feel better. I apologize for my tone and volume when I got to talk to you.


This sounds like an admission of guilt to me.

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I also felt ignored because of the time in between texts and then the no pick up and straight to voicemail and that was wrong of me to assume that.


Do you think she is OBLIGATED to be at your beck and call when you have the kids? She is NOT!

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Her This is the crux of all our problems and what ive been saying to you for over 12mo, yet nothing has changed. I believe it never will which is why we will not be together. For many years this is how you've treated me, using your words and harsh tone to beat me up, leaving me to feel insecure, like I don't matter, scared of you, and unhappy. I thought I could love you enough for both of us and make it work, but that's not a way to live. I shouldn't be scared of my husband. I should feel like an equal, spoken to respectfully, actually working through issues instead of empty "i'm sorry's" and requests for make up sex. I am a good person, a really good person, with high values, great morals, hopes and dreams, goals and a strong desire to be the best person I can be - successful in as many aspects of my life as possible. And I am working to instill those same things in (S1) and (S2). I will not allow you to take those traits from me.


She is right. ^^^READ that and UNDERSTAND that ^^^ Rarely do WAS's give such valuable insight, usually they just cut and run and offer no explanations. She's given you a roadmap for your 180's. Now, do something about it.

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Me I'm taking in all that you wrote and know you are an awesome woman and I have been working on myself.


ACTIONS not WORDS.

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I never want you to feel insecure or scared.


Yet that is exactly the way she felt, are you not listening?

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Our arguments to me were disagreements and then we moved on when we should gotten to the bottom of the issue and dealt with it better.


That is how YOU felt, not her. You need to start seeing things from her point of view, because right now I am and it doesn't paint you in a good light.

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I want you to feel like my equal and secure and safe and always support you in your goals.


Prove it! And prove it through ACTIONS, not just more hollow words.

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I may not have shown it but I'm always proud of what you do and have accomplished through an up hill struggle at work and admire your energy.


This is very passive/aggressive. You tear her down and then try to build her back up so you can tear her down again. She's done with that.

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Her When I read what you wrote it shows me you still don't understand or believe what is happening.


SHE IS RIGHT, you really don't get it!

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Did I blow it? Am I ××××ed?


I'm not going to sugar coat it, you have a very long, difficult road ahead. You need to completely focus on 180's on the passive/aggressive behavior. You need to stop yourself from EVER raising your voice to her again and speaking down to her, whether your M is saved or not.

Quote
And I just went to my new therapist. She is so far awesome.


Glad to hear it, I hope you bring this up with her and get some feedback on how to address the P/A stuff.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? part 2 [Re: JimmyRig] #2852772
06/13/19 01:48 AM
06/13/19 01:48 AM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
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JimmyRig Offline OP
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JimmyRig  Offline OP
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How do I get to the front of the threads for some responses?

thx


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? part 2 [Re: JimmyRig] #2852777
06/13/19 03:17 AM
06/13/19 03:17 AM
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IHCLACS Offline
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Jimmy I have been guilty of all of the actions you previously mentioned with W saying similar things about being scared of me, the yelling, the badgering, the berating only to apologize and build back up, the frustrations. It has to come down to our temperaments to deal with situations better, to cope better, Be better commited consciously to our actions and 180's, better validations, better interactions.

Sadly I have had to completely and emotionally disconnect from my W to keep outbursts from reoccurring on my end. Right now it's not helping my sich, but not hurting it as well. But its helping me not to engage in anything emotional any longer. We don't even talk anymore. Not even good morning. Maybe a few words exchanged over S1 on a daily basis, but that's it. She is giving you valuable insight, now the question is how do we apply it to remediate our begaviors permenantly? Our temperaments have to change whether we ever R or not.. They have dealt with it for years, they probably felt as if they were walking on eggshells. Consistency man, consistency. I know its easier said than done when you are in the heat of the moment.

Last edited by IHCLACS; 06/13/19 03:17 AM.
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? part 2 [Re: JimmyRig] #2852885
06/13/19 07:45 PM
06/13/19 07:45 PM
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JimmyRig Offline OP
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JimmyRig  Offline OP
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Thx. All

I did not raise my voice and yell yet that is the way she now takes it.
Which is still my fault.

I will bear down and do my best.


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? part 2 [Re: JimmyRig] #2852887
06/13/19 07:52 PM
06/13/19 07:52 PM
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Posts: 5,701
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Steve85 Offline
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Originally Posted by JimmyRig
Thx. All

I did not raise my voice and yell yet that is the way she now takes it.
Which is still my fault.

I will bear down and do my best.



Everything is your fault. She could put her hand in a machine, cut it off, and she'd find a way to blame you. This is why detachment and GAL are so important. The less you are around her the less she can blame you for.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? part 2 [Re: JimmyRig] #2852891
06/13/19 08:29 PM
06/13/19 08:29 PM
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IHCLACS Offline
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^^^^ What Steve said. She has to come to her own conclusions on her own volition. By you not being around as frequently is a win/win/win. You feel better by GALing. You are more positive and upbeat as a result. She doesn't experience the bad dynamic between the two of you. Over time and space she may question the validity of her own perception, because you are not feeding her monster. Or her negative perception of you. Gives you more time to conscientiously make more behavioral changes, and organically feel better with less reactivity. Make sense? More importantly prove you can change through your actions and not your words, and be consistent about it. You'll get there if you can allow yourself to step back from your sich, and be an observer.

Last edited by IHCLACS; 06/13/19 08:32 PM.
Re: What do I do? Ignore ? part 2 [Re: AnotherStander] #2852892
06/13/19 09:02 PM
06/13/19 09:02 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
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JimmyRig Offline OP
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JimmyRig  Offline OP
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Posts: 87
Thx for the 12 x 12's I guess i really have been a jerk and pray that she will forgive me.

Thx for setting me straight.

JR


Me. 46
Her 37

Years together 10
Married 7.5

Kids 4 and 6
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