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Maika #2923178 09/06/21 01:45 AM
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Hey BL42!

Thanks for checking out my sitch! I wasn't sure if I was ever going to come back here but there was a major update and I thought I'd come and share.

I'll definitely check out your sitch and if I have anything worthwhile to add, I definitely will.

Sounds like your exW is using the same script as mine did - BD, move in with OM as fast as possible, create a new 'happy' life and pretend like nothing has ever changed. The only thing changed was who she's with. All I can say is that she's running away from all her problems and issues and wants to paper over the past with something new and shiny.

Even if this event involving my D wouldn't have happened, I doubt the R my exW ran into at light speed would've lasted long. What kind of person do you have to be to date someone who has ended their marriage recently and not put in any work? You also have to be emotionally and mentally insecure trying to find something to fill in the void that exists. I would take that as a huge red flag and run in the opposite direction rather than date someone like that. I suspect the OM in your case is just a tool for her to run away from her issues and vice versa. Things won't end well, or if they continue, it will be an acrimonious relationship - i'd rather be single than have that.

In terms of me meeting the boy who masquerades as a man, it was a gamble. He was going to be around my kids very regularly. So, I'd rather at least put a face to a name rather than pretend he wasn't around. Also, my exW wanted me to badly meet him so that she could pretend she checked all the boxes about what the right process would be - it wasn't. If you go back deep in my past threads, you'll see I was ambivalent about meeting this lil manboy so early on and others gave me some good feedback - pros and cons.

I already knew he was a dumba$$ as only a dumba$$ would decide to get into a serious relationship with my exW - no matter what, I knew her better than he did and I knew that she was a complete mess and chock full of red flags. The little that I did hear from other friends about her during this time completely confirmed that my take on her emotional and mental state was absolutely accurate - she was trying to erase the past, not take any ownership or accountability for her actions, and definitely did not take the time to journey inward to understand her deep insecurities and issues. She made all the decisions that fit her nice little fantasy without regard of how it would impact the kids. She was in the 'fog' as the term is used here. And then it spectacularly blew up in her face - just days after the lilmanboy proposed to her and she said yes.

Thanks for your words about my D. Yes she was the one who was most deeply hurt and impacted by this predatory lilmanboy. I am glad it's over and I can focus on her well being and also my son, who was impacted by all the massive changes as well.

My kids are doing much better now. D has been seeing an amazing therapist for almost six months and my son also went to therapy for a few months. They're both in better places and my D especially has all the support and love she needs. We've come out of the dark.

I hope you're keeping well and if you're a year or two behind me, the best thing that I did was seriously put in work for myself - hobbies and activities, focused attention on my health, and doing things outside work that nurtured my spirit. I am a creative at heart and so got back into some creative pursuits and that was marvelous for my healing.

I'll respond more thoroughly on your sitch, but just remember - from the little I know of your sitch, I believe your exW is chasing a fantasy and she thinks all the answers lie in that mirage. Let it play out and just focus on yourself and your kids. I know it's easier said than done, but me and plenty of others here have done it and come out wiser and more emotionally rounded at the other end.

Catch you soon on your thread.


No one is coming to save you!

Maika #2923184 09/06/21 01:33 PM
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Maika!

It is so good to see you here! The main thing that keeps me coming back to the boards is that I look for folks that have been around from years ago and love seeing their updates and progress. Right after we get BD'd we are a spinning mess, then things settle down, and then we stop posting as much, but it is the time and often years, that we finally benefit from all that detaching GAL stuff, right? People like us really can offer good advice because the wisdom comes many years later. In fact I really like the advice to Newcomers from the people here in Surviving The Big D.

So things with OM imploded and fell apart? Shocking! That was sarcasm. I am only shocked when these affairs DO work out. I think years ago I read that affairs lead to lasting relationships and marriages less than 5% of the time. Which makes sense to me. I can understand your repulsion towards her now. She really messed things up for all of you. I don't love the idea that we are supposed to forgive and find friendship with Exs after these betrayals and I think it's okay not to. As long as everyone is respectful and civil for the children's sake, that is enough.

I find you refreshingly honest and that is a very attractive character trait! I have always liked that about you. You have got to quit smoking, man. Listen, I know it's hard. Would it help it I told you that if/when dating, women can taste and smell that all over you? Or, it ages your skin terribly? And mostly, you gotta take care of those lungs! I spend my days working in a Covid ICU and I promise you, multifocal COVID pneumonia is no joke .... (jumping off soap box).

Can you enjoy workouts without a gym? Hiking outside in nature with bursts of core work? Pullups on trees :-) I actually created a little home gym and I use religiously. It is my alone time, I listen to my books and podcasts, and I love to just sweat and find new ways to move. I think I am rockin a better body at 43 than 23.

Lastly, I read above your feelings of being emasculated and not being able to provide the pool/house/sitch for your family and I feel you on that. But can I say that again your honesty is so refreshing and that is what makes you an amazing man. Your kids pick up on that energy and it is far more meaningful than any material item. I firmly believe that. .... my 11 year old D just started middle school and is really down lately. I could not bring her around or understand what was going on. Last night we finally connected and she opened up to me. We drove around for hours and then we sat at a restaurant for hours. I just kept listening and being present until she would finally open up a little. By the end of the night I saw some smiles. You cannot buy that. It comes from time and love. I have a feeling you are a great dad. That is more masculine and powerful than anything.

BLU


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Maika #2923188 09/06/21 05:10 PM
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It`s great to read from you, dear old friend.

The light of dignity shining bright.

Respect.


WW H(me): 51
W: 47
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Maika #2923202 09/07/21 04:27 PM
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Hey Blu! Great to hear from you. Yeah I am trying to spend more time here and pay it forward like so many great folks did for me. If I can offer any insight, I am more than happy to do so. This community was truly a life-saver for me when I needed it most.

I think I've brought down my attitude from repulsion to just disliking her at this point. she's been seeing a therapist and in the last week I've seen some big changes in her attitude and approach to things - I am taking it with a grain of salt right now as I don't know if these are long term changes or if she's ascended to a whole new higher plane of manipulation. We're pretty civil around the kids and they've never seen much of the acrimony that existed between us, but I am sure they've sensed it at some level. I am still not sure what to do with the forgiveness thing - it's something that has seemed really strange and elusive and I don't know if I have the energy to figure it out. I am just living my life in a way that works for me and the kids as best as I can.

Thanks for adding a new level of scare on the smoking front! Yes, I am a lot more serious about it right now and working on the quit - actually this week. So, I'll report back on that.

I've been walking a lot during this pandemic and that has been refreshing. Fortunately the gyms have opened up and I am going back this week - they have put in good safety protocols so I am satisfied with that. Looking forward to getting in there and reclaiming some of the 'me' time. I am with you on rocking a better body at 41 than 21 smile

I really appreciate your comments on honesty. BD and the subsequent emotional turmoil just taught me how I was failing at accountability to myself, and others as well, and that had an impact on my marriage breaking down. I wasn't a lying or a cheat, but I would engage in covert contracts and say one thing but do something else. I realized I was doing it out of fear and wanting to avoid rejection from others - just say what they want to hear and not rock the boat, but go do what I want instead and hide it. That's just not a good strategy for anything.

I also find that if I am not being honest here, then what's the real point of all of this. I am not some super DB'er and I've done all the work and now I am going to conquer the world. I am still dealing with a lot of the aftermath and decades of dysfunction can't just be solved over night or weeks or months. Takes time. The emasculation stuff was just all of my insecurities and my kids haven't given a hoot about the material changes in our lives. All they want is for me to spend time with them and be present. We're not living in squalor so it's not like their basic material needs aren't met. Love the example you shared with your D - I think that's so wonderful that you had that time with her and were able to connect. That's what it's all about really. I love hearing about these moments because they're just so priceless in terms of building real authentic connection and strengthening the love.

I keep reminding myself of a concept by Esther Perel - these are bids for connection. Every time my kids want to do something or ask something of me, I remind myself that they're asking to connect with me, and doesn't matter what it is.

I think I am overly critical of myself in the dad department, but if I was honest, I think I've done pretty good. I appreciate you noticing that and sharing it with me. I am still working on doing better - like being a nonsmoker - but I am not taking that relationship for granted and trying to be as present with them as I can be.

NEFFER - how are you doing old friend? Yes, the light is shining bright and I hope it is for you as well. Hope you and your fam are safe and healthy.


No one is coming to save you!

Maika #2923242 09/08/21 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Maika
I see that J9 has also gone AWOL but I hope he's doing well with his doc lady - hey J, if you see this, come back and give us an update. I think I saw LH and AS around - well hope you guys are doing good.
Yo M good to see you back! I spoke to J9 about 4 months ago and he's still with the Doc but has no immediate plans to get married.

Last time you were on I think we established you were near Andy P which is in my area but I am in the states. I can tell you that there seems to be a shortage of good men in that area so it's time to dip your foot in the dating pool.

Bad decisions and can't standing your ex resonates with me. Luckily I never really have to deal with her so for the most part it is what it is.

The board has taken a weird turn, there is a lot of internal strife between those who see WS as pieces of $hit and those who think they are good people who made mistakes. I still try to be objective and help when I can but we have had so many serial cheaters and abusers it is hard to be objective.

Sorry your kids had to go through another break-up that really stinks. Maybe some hope your Ex is doing therapy? Wish mine would, she has serious anger issues.

Hope you are here to stay brother!


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
Maika #2923343 09/10/21 06:11 PM
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Hey LH! Thanks for the update with J9. It's always good to hear good news.

Yeah I am close enough to Andy P for sure. I am definitely considering heading out into the dating pool soon. Seems like things are getting stabilized where we are and everything has basically opened up, so no time to waste.

oh wow i didn't know the board has taken such a turn. I haven't been in the newcomers that much but serial cheaters and abusers definitely changes the game. I'll spend some time over there and see what's going on.

Yeh exW is in therapy because she reached a new bottom when the R imploded and basically had no way out by herself. I am not sure she's over her anger issues, but I am treating everything with a great deal of skepticism. I just don't think she's fundamentally made the types of changes and looked inward that needs to happen.

for example, I am fairly certain she has a new squeeze in her life. And by the timeline I think it was about five to six months after her previous R was over. Remember, in that previous R, the lilmanboy proposed to her and she had said yes. She was going to marry that dumba$$, and now in six months after that she's got a new squeeze. The red flags are basically paintball pellets coming at your face and coloring you in. Like who in their right mind would date someone with just that little information.

but she's done this her own life - get into a R as fast as possible and make it serious; break up with that person; and then run right into another R and make it serious; and repeat cycle. To not see this pattern and realize how messed up it is, FOR YEARS, is just heartbreaking. At least this time, whoever this new squeeze is, is not introduced to the kids yet.

So, that's why the skepticism over her therapy and the so called new leaf she seems to have turned. I see that she hasn't really learned anything and this is all a great show. But, I am wiser and I have no patience for this nonsense. She can go implode her life all over again until she learns the lesson, or never will.

Kids are doing good and that's the only thing I care about. You have to be able to sit with your f#$k-ups and she has shown no indication that she has done that or she's capable of doing it. I just keep her at arms length and we communicate when needed about the kids. I have my own life to worry about and achieve what I want to achieve.

Anyways, I was hoping for real change with her - not to take her back - but just for the kids sake and even her sake, but it's not looking like that.

Yeah man I'm around, but probably not as active as before. Hope things are going well with you LH and you're safe and healthy.


No one is coming to save you!

Maika #2923695 09/20/21 03:23 PM
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If I may add a different perspective to the boards taking a turn. I don't agree that there is a difference in the amount of posters that are dealing with cheaters/abusers or that people now have a different tolerance for that. I have been reading here for 7-8 years and I have seen the quality of posts steadily deteriorate over time. There used to be several folks here -- Sandi, Wonka, Starsky, 25mlc, AS, to name only a few of many -- that spent time really getting to know posters and offering thoughtful and thorough feedback. They were generous to give so much to strangers, but I think there was a strong sense of community and that perhaps they benefited from that as well.

What I have seen happening over the last couple years is more direct advice that reads as judgmental and lacking in personal boundaries. It is also the same few people giving the same advice so there is less diversity in information. I find some of the behavior totally unacceptable (I am sorry, but I am looking at you LH). Even if you believe someone is being abused, in a bad situation or making the same poor choices repeatedly, that does not entitle you to call them out or tell them what to do. It has been disappointing to watch and people are leaving because of it. There has also has been a steady decline of new people coming forward and I assume they don't feel safe to post here.

Even if this is the internet and a public forum, we are still talking about deeply personal issues and we are all vulnerable. If someone shares their story and is struggling, our only job is to try and understand them, offer sympathy and support, and then when we do give advice, we must do so in a respectful and careful manor that they are ready to receive. It is not our place to call them out, tell them what is wrong with them or what they need to do. We only have limited information and we are not their therapists. This directness only leads to people feeling attacked and then turning away. Nothing good comes from it IMO. I think with the amount of options people now have for online forums, it is unlikely these boards can make a full recovery.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Maika #2923696 09/20/21 03:57 PM
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The directness has always been here since I have been around (6+ years). Mr Bond, Azzork, Vapo and TXhubby were all at least as direct as LH and maybe even more so (without a doubt TXhubby was). The difference now is that there are fewer posters giving advice to balance things out. Sometimes a direct line is helpful depending on the person. I prefer direct as it snaps me out of a fog but I also do not take much personally. I can also see where it can be unhelpful.

I remember my first threads would get buried in a matter of hours there were so many people posting. They would have 20 or so different posters chiming in. I do think the lack of participation goes beyond this forum though...something else is at play. Other forums I am a part of that discuss similar topics have slowed to a crawl more significantly than here (much more so, they are completely dead now).... but I do think that is where this place is heading.

pinn #2923698 09/20/21 04:09 PM
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Originally Posted by pinn
The directness has always been here since I have been around (6+ years). Mr Bond, Azzork, Vapo and TXhubby were all at least as direct as LH and maybe even more so (without a doubt TXhubby was).
It's all good Pinn. Have gone through this before. Some people like my advice and some don't. Have I said some things I shouldn't have? Probably. But to say I don't take the time to know the posters is ignorant in my opinion. Everyone is entitled to their opinion especially on a community board. Onward and upward.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
Maika #2923702 09/20/21 05:48 PM
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i think the thing is that one can only stay in this space for so long before it starts to feel like being stuck in the past. i'm grateful for the help i've received here, but I do see myself stepping back more and more, offering less to the newcomer. It's just flat-out painful to read the same script being played out so many times, destroying so many lives.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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