So we have had a bit of texting banter back and forth. We are catching up on what has happened the past 9 months or so. I offered her a ride in my new car at some point, as it is something I have wanted for 10 + years (it is an exotic car). She commented about how many women I must have had in it and "oh, if the seats could talk". She is also very curious if my relationship is serious or not. I skirted the question at first but felt compelled to eventually answer. After I answered she want on and asked if she fulfills me and treats me well. I said yes. STBXW is in a committed relationship but stated she likely will never get married again, and feels monogamous relationships are not part of the human spirit. With all this, I asked why a face to face meeting is so important and felt better about a phone call or email. She already arranged a babysitter and is adamant about coming over. I eventually told her I have moved on and had no interest in a romantic relationship with her and she replied "that hurts."
Later that night, she told me she was lying in bed next to OM. I am at the point where I do not care, but asked how he would feel if he knew she was texting me. She replied he was not aware and has not asked, because she answers to nobody. I frankly asked her if she planned on having her way with me and she has yet to answer. I finally texted her back that we should just talk on the phone and she has yet to respond.
I cannot understand this mind frame. I do want a cordial relationship with her, because it is best for the kids. My friends and I feel she is going to attempt to seduce me to keep me close. I would have been thrilled about this a year ago but not at this point. How do I best handle this?
She is toying with you. And OM. Not that that OM directly matters, but it does indirectly. She is flirting with you while in bed beside OM. Doesn’t believe in monogamy, etc...
She is looking for a thrill. That forbidden fruit - and you are now forbidden. She knows your buttons, and is pushing them.
Things with OM are obviously not the fantasy and all fulfilling as she imagined they would be. I see her comment “that hurts” as more of a challenge from her to herself; to get you to wanting her again.
Boundaries!
A phone call can cover off whatever she has to say. She has being “talking” to you by text for some time and hasn’t got to whatever it is she wanted to discuss regarding the kids. Get control of the conversations; you are getting pulled in.
I do understand the seeking of the workings of her hurting mind. However, you are not interested in a relationship with her; you are with someone else. So keep things cordial and to the point. Otherwise you could end up to be her EA on her PA.
I’m pretty sure this is stirring up some emotions in you. A perfectly normal response to be wanted again; it would feel pretty wonderful. (I imagine )
Catching up on the past 9 months. Offering her a ride in your car. Her pressing for information regarding your relationship, and if seats could talk. This is a slippery slope.
If you want a cordial relationship, for the kids, and coparenting; then keep to that. She can wonder all she wants and beg for a ride in your car. She gave up, threw away, that privilege a while ago.
Cat and mouse can’t be played if one of them ain’t there. And no disrespect, quite the opposite, you are not the cat in this game. She toying with you, and will pounce eventually.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
She is toying with you. And OM. Not that that OM directly matters, but it does indirectly. She is flirting with you while in bed beside OM. Doesn’t believe in monogamy, etc...
She is looking for a thrill. That forbidden fruit - and you are now forbidden. She knows your buttons, and is pushing them.
Things with OM are obviously not the fantasy and all fulfilling as she imagined they would be. I see her comment “that hurts” as more of a challenge from her to herself; to get you to wanting her again.
Boundaries!
A phone call can cover off whatever she has to say. She has being “talking” to you by text for some time and hasn’t got to whatever it is she wanted to discuss regarding the kids. Get control of the conversations; you are getting pulled in.
I do understand the seeking of the workings of her hurting mind. However, you are not interested in a relationship with her; you are with someone else. So keep things cordial and to the point. Otherwise you could end up to be her EA on her PA.
I’m pretty sure this is stirring up some emotions in you. A perfectly normal response to be wanted again; it would feel pretty wonderful. (I imagine )
Catching up on the past 9 months. Offering her a ride in your car. Her pressing for information regarding your relationship, and if seats could talk. This is a slippery slope.
If you want a cordial relationship, for the kids, and coparenting; then keep to that. She can wonder all she wants and beg for a ride in your car. She gave up, threw away, that privilege a while ago.
Cat and mouse can’t be played if one of them ain’t there. And no disrespect, quite the opposite, you are not the cat in this game. She toying with you, and will pounce eventually.
DnJ
Preach it, Brother!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I agree w/all who posted, especially what DnJ posted. She's baiting you and wants to reel you back in. Don't discuss your personal life w/her...it is none of her business and as for a ride in your car....nope. She is seeking the thrill of having two men on the hook and she knows that you have moved on. Keep your conversations short and sweet and on the children and customer/visitation issues.
The less you tell her about yourself and what you are doing, the better. She fired you a while ago as her husband. That means she lost out on knowing your personal business.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree as well- she has done no work on herself and this would ruin your new R--exactly what she wants She may be with other men as well as sje does not believe in Monogomy She is a very unsafe bet at this point
I would also suggest NO ride No visit Boundries and less phone calls
She cant pull you in if you dont let her and if you do it once....there will be probably more and it will be impossible to move into a better, more stable Relationship
she clearly is not well-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi, Hamburg -- I agree that W is not ready for any kind of restoration; but all the posts here are focused on what your response will do or not do as far as her behavior.
I still think that the issue here is not her behavior. We know she is ill and a mess right now, we know she will say wicked things and act immorally and that she is not ready for any kind of restoration and that everything she does will be erratic and manipulative and unfocused and that she feels rejected by you even though it's all her fault. Those are all MLC givens until they aren't!
I just still sense in your posts that you enjoy the contact with her and that you are very tempted by her reaching out and maybe even feel strange not responding to her efforts because she was/is your wife. Many here have also talked about the feeling of dating being adulterous when it happened too soon or even when it didn't. So to me the real issue here is your own healing and detachment. I always remember a post in Rejoice Ministries about how the wife did become the "EA" and even the "PA" sometimes, as he began to long to return home. That was something that wife chose to do as part of her vow to her husband, even though here it is considered cakewalking. For her it worked, for others it might lead to horrible heartache and hell. I think it's your choice what you want to allow and do with your wife, as long as you have no expectations. And the best answer for you may be what you are doing now, phone only and no contact with her except about kids while she is still in thick MLC. I would just encourage you to do more reflection/work on yourself as a way to figure out your life rather than using the parameter of one or the other woman in your life to determine what is best for your life and your kids' lives.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
As you state you don’t want to R, and you are in a committed relationship, my advice is to respond to her in a dignified manner that honors you and your current girlfriend.
I would keep it clean and simple and if it were me, bump her to email (unless it is an emergency in which case she can always text or call). Because that sends a clear message - you are not a priority in my life anymore, you don’t dictate terms and I have zero interest in being seduced/flirting with you. I think she wants to see your eyes to know she still has a hold over you as she certainly does not need to see your eyes to set schedules for the kids.
Something like: “ex, of course I always want to keep the doors of communication open when it comes to our kids. Let’s please move this and future conversations to email but keep it about kids/schedules. If there is anything time sensitive please text or call, otherwise let’s please email.” And I bet you receive no email on this as she is using her kids as bait. Pathetic.
And if she texts you flirtatiously, I would respond in a way you would want your girlfriend to respond if she were getting flirty texts from an ex. She has zero respect for herself and her boyfriend.
You don’t need to tell her about the seriousness of your current relationship, you can show her via your actions.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
So it all just hit the fan. She wanted to meet any morning this week. I told her no and we should talk on the phone. She later agreed to do it by phone. I sent her a long text last night, as the divorce will be signed here in a few days. Nothing sentimental or hokey, just that its a sad situation and we need to do what we can for the kids. She responded by saying she agreed, but also that I need to apologize for all the vindictive stuff I have done and she was basically an innocent bystander. Then a short texting battle ensued and I promptly learned she has learned nothing and gone nowhere with her crisis. I eventually informed her to we could talk when she is clear headed and able to have introspect regarding her actions around the kids. For now, we will stick to email and I will respond at my choosing, depending on the content.
I have not heard back, and do not expect to. It felt good to reconnect with her, but now realize it was another touch and go. My kids are slipping from her more than ever the past month or so. They are in counseling, and I do what I can but feel hopeless sometimes. This process is so devastating for everyone involved.
This process is so devastating for everyone involved.
That's it in a nutshell. It's so hard to remember that we can't prevent it. I at least don't try to fix my H anymore or even try to imagine him being anything human for now, but I still catch myself all the time trying to fix unfixable things in this process for my kids. I was just thinking about how you are a doctor and must all the time have to treat people who are in pain of one kind or another. Your loving care provides healing but your patients have their own journeys they must take to get through the illness. Just like your kids have their journeys and all you can do is give that loving care.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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