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A Message from Michele
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Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2861445
08/15/19 02:53 AM
08/15/19 02:53 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 239
H
Hamburg Offline OP
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Hamburg  Offline OP
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H
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 239
Well, the gravity of the visit to the in laws is hitting. I saw her yesterday and she cleaned up a bit and didn't look so strung out. I felt as if I miss her--first time this has hit me in quite some time.

Youngest kid does not like returning to W and threw 3 hour tantrums when going home with her on the past 3 visits. W blames me, of course.

No word yet if she has blasted her parents for allowing me to visit.

Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2861463
08/15/19 12:07 PM
08/15/19 12:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,692
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peacetoday Offline
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peacetoday  Offline
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Im sure the cleaned up look is just for the moment..on the outside

If anything in her was really changing or she was internally getting things right
I think you will see continuous signs
of a person healing and the children would be happy to go home-to her


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2862684
08/24/19 09:25 PM
08/24/19 09:25 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 239
H
Hamburg Offline OP
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Hamburg  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 239
Final decree is just around the corner.

Spoke to a family member. W was livid about me visiting her parents and exploded on the children. Oldest is 8, and she said she won't repeat what she was told by her mom. W also continues to rewrite history and somehow things that happened after our separation have now become her convictions about why she left in the first place.

I thought she would be headed the right direction but the projection, lies and lack of introspect continue. I will do whatever it takes to make sure the children come out of this unharmed. But it is difficult when one party is doing so much damage.

Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2863130
08/28/19 03:48 AM
08/28/19 03:48 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 858
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Gerda Offline
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Hamburg, I totally hear you about the kids suffering. For so long I thought H would see that and stop the insanity. That was seven years ago. You will not be able to get them out unharmed. You can only be the one they come to to bandage the wounds, and that will be a huge comfort to them. I am so sorry that is happening. But you just started this journey, I think you have years to go before your W comes out of things like rewriting history or spewing to justify her actions.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2863169
08/28/19 12:46 PM
08/28/19 12:46 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,692
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peacetoday Offline
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Sorry H

very tough to witness your kids getting hurt especially by their mother
I have experienced it

if there is anyway you can gain more or full custody, anything you can do
I fought my xh about the kids
Yes they lost a dad, but he and his OW would not have been able to impact them in a positive way

By the kids behavior as time goes on, by their communication, you may be able to see how to help them more

They have you..A stable parent..that also goes a long way
therapy may also help


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2867492
10/07/19 04:13 AM
10/07/19 04:13 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 239
H
Hamburg Offline OP
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Hamburg  Offline OP
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Posts: 239
Been a while. Just checking in.
Still awaiting W to make any changes to the decree. I assume she is hanging on to stay on my insurance benefits.

The kids are doing ok. They are starting to see the differences between she and I. It really puts them in a tough spot. They have opened up to a close friend of mine and really hold disdain for their mom. They're still working with a counselor and I plan on doing that for as long as possible. She continues to be distant from her parents and I am the only means of communication for them and the kids.

One thing has come to light. She is a narcissist. I pieced together behaviors from the past 10 years or so and it is now clear as day. I feel like a fool for not recognizing it earlier. I am not sure if any help will cure her of this, as personality disorders are tough to overcome. We will deal with it the best we can.
..

Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2867512
10/07/19 01:29 PM
10/07/19 01:29 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,692
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peacetoday Offline
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H

Good that the kids continue with therapy and can begin to see the truth about their mom
awareness is better than denial

Many of these Mlcers I believe have other issues--and you are probably right
about her

Its always better to know what your dealing with-and it is a hard disorder to recognize until
you are really hit with the crazy behavior of a narcissist and combine that with MLC and ....


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2867526
10/07/19 02:29 PM
10/07/19 02:29 PM
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 86
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MarvinF Offline
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Posts: 86
Keep in mind two things:

1) becoming self absorbed/narcissistic is a hallmark of MLC, so definitely try to separate that part. There are narcissists who have MLC and there are MLCers who become narcissists.

2) being a narcissist is not the same as a personality disorder. Reason I say this is that someone who is a narcissist may let that go through therapy and healing one day, but someone who has narcissistic personality the same) can not be “cured,” but they are pretty easy to spot.

Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2867546
10/07/19 04:26 PM
10/07/19 04:26 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 239
H
Hamburg Offline OP
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Hamburg  Offline OP
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Posts: 239
For years, her siblings have been telling me things about her personality that I kept in separate buckets. Now, after piecing things together (from behaviors I noticed 15 years ago) I do believe she has NPD. Through the process of divorce and MLC, it magnified significantly.

Re: Last stages of divorce [Re: Hamburg] #2867552
10/07/19 04:52 PM
10/07/19 04:52 PM
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 86
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MarvinF Offline
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MarvinF  Offline
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Posts: 86
Wow if that is the case it must have been very draining for you and the kids, I am so sorry. A true NPD is not capable of empathy or love, and I can imagine what it has been over the years, and yes they can have MLC and their pain level skyrockets.

Take care of yourself and your kids, you will all need recovery time.

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Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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