Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
B
Bo562 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by Steve85
On the furniture, do you have an IKEA near you? Inexpensive stuff that looks good and is functional.


Yes, we do. One of the good things about SoCal is that an IKEA is not that far away. I’m conflicted about IKEA furniture—more of a W / STBXW thing (she loves it, but that’s not the reason for my conflictedness), but I also understand from a cost / temporary measure it may be necessary to get by for now.

Originally Posted by Steve85
Hang in there. Though I've never been through it I did stare it in the face for a while. And I've known many friends that have gone through it. Believe it or not, no matter what, in a year you will think it is the best thing that ever happened to you.


Thanks. I’m surprised I stared this down as long as I have—until she blinked, and is now leaving / moving out. Which is why I’m so, so grateful that I’ve listened to my L, my family, and everyone here on the forum about standing up to her and standing up for myself and the boys—as a result, I’ve had almost an extra 4 months with the boys under the roof with them together full-time, and that to me is beyond priceless.

Despite the difficulties / challenges that lie ahead, I am somewhat optimistically looking towards the future. I do hope that this time next year I can look back on this and say that yeah, this was a good thing, especially in light of all the changes that I’ve made in myself and in my relationship with the boys, as well as relationships with others.

That said, I do like a number of the changes I’ve made in myself so far—attitude (despite present melancholy, but today is just shaping up to be one of those days anyway), focus, exercise, body / looks, improving how I dress (still needs some work, but better), going ‘all-in’ on the boys, trying to GAL.

I am somewhat philosophical / melancholy about her leaving and taking stuff—and this is me reflecting, so if I come off as mopey, so be it. I’ve had to rebuild a number of times throughout my life, anyway, so why not start all over again? I’m still relatively young enough (just turned 36), so I can recover in a number of ways—emotionally, financially, relationally, and hopefully build myself and a future attractive enough that someone more right for me will want to ride alongside of me and want to be a part of it, and we can be more equals. That’s down the road, though—nothing immediate.

I feel like I’ve had to clean up / cover for her messes in the past, so why not just let this be done, so I can truly start over the way I want to? (Kind of a ‘burn it all to the ground and rebuild / grow from the ashes’ mentality. My mood last week was very much ‘burn it all to the ground,’ with getting over being sick, grades due, telling the boys, working with STBXW on custody / visitation schedule.)

I talked earlier in my post about ‘getting by,’ and to be honest, I’m sick of ‘getting by.’ I feel like in our MR, I’ve had to ‘get by’ on a number of things—I’m done with that.


M: 36
W: 30
T: 9
M: 7

S6 (OS)
S7mo (YS)

ILYBINILWY BD: Feb. ‘18

W Wants S / D BD: 1/4/19

H / W still in-house

D papers from W: 3/14/19
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
B
Bo562 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
W / STBXW asked me earlier tonight after we put the boys to bed if I wanted a slice of pie (believe me, not an innuendo in the slightest). She asked me if she could have the last slice of pie—would it make me upset if she ate it. I told her that she could eat it if she wants. (Should I have given a Y/N answer—yeah probably, but I really just don’t care. If she wants the pie, just take the pie.) She asked me a few more times if she can have the last slice of pie, and would it make me upset. I repeat my response, and then I walked away. “You didn’t answer the question.” “Yes, I did.”

She later added that “we’ve known each other for a while now, but you’ve never been this combative.” I did my best to validate. She then asked me if I’m okay—did something happen to me about a year ago. Me: “No.”

Weird.
———————————————————————
Also looking at NextDoor app for stuff to do in the neighborhood, as well as find furniture for relatively cheap and hopefully better build quality than IKEA.

I’m looking at a dresser tomorrow afternoon around 4:00 p.m. I also sent a message about someone selling a bedroom set with a number of useful pieces for cheap—of course, if I get a hit on that, heaven knows how I’ll move it.

The line that I’ve thought about in response to my current sitch is something I believe LH mentioned in a post about detachment—finding solutions in the cosmos, and not letting things get you too down.

Last edited by Bo562; 04/30/19 05:31 AM.

M: 36
W: 30
T: 9
M: 7

S6 (OS)
S7mo (YS)

ILYBINILWY BD: Feb. ‘18

W Wants S / D BD: 1/4/19

H / W still in-house

D papers from W: 3/14/19
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
B
Bo562 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
Legal update: Preliminary disclosure of assets / debts / obligations is completed by my L, I believe. All I need to do is sign, return, and then off to L’s office for further processing. Any day now W and her L will be served with a response.

Basically, tonight was a similar replay of last night, in almost every respect.

Division of stuff for the boys, and I’ve been giving input on what I would also would like to stay.

What that also means is another discussion with W / STBXW.

In a virtual replay of last night, she said that she believes that about a year ago, I stopped communicating with her.

She wants to know why, and what happened? Was I angry at her? Was I angry at her for being pregnant? Was I angry that she couldn’t help out as much around the house? Was it her other responsibilities at work?

Me: We both know the answer to that question.

Did something happen to me? Did something happen at work? Did SOMEONE else happen?

W: Was it YS?

Me: I would NEVER blame YS for anything.

She said that she’s tried, but I’ve stopped. (Like I’ve dropped the rope?)

Towards the end of the conversation: She wants to know what she said or did, so she can fix it, if it can even be fixed? Wants to know if we can sit down and talk with a therapist about this?

The conversation ended something like this:

She wants to know if I will talk with her about it?

Me: I’ll have to think about that one

W asked me if I’ve been talking with a therapist

Me: Yes, I’ve been talking with a therapist

W: Is it helping?

Me: I think so

She walked away, looked to be on verge of tears.

——————————————————————-
This is just astonishing. Absolutely astonishing. This must truly be the WAS fog. She must clearly have no recollection of the anger she had at me for getting her pregnant. How angry she was at me, and that she told me often that she was angry. The ILYBINILWY, the “I wish I loved you enough to want to take care of you” when I threw out my back in February 2018. None of this registers with her.

For the record, and for those new to my thread, I was never angry with her for being pregnant. If anything, in Fall 2017, before all this started, I wanted another child so desperately. I am so, so overjoyed at having YS, though I am heartbroken about losing him half-time with the custody arrangement, which starts on Thursday. (At least I get him all to myself on Saturday evening / night, as OS has a camping outing that W and her mom are taking him to.) I accepted early on in the pregnancy that I would try to do more around the house—in fact, in earlier threads, I had it pointed out to me, and probably acknowledged myself, that trying to be SuperDad / SuperHubby wouldn’t get her back. Can’t nice them back.

Nothing happened to me—except the ILYBINILWY, which I don’t know if she remembers. But I do—I couldn’t forget it if I tried. That’s what changed everything, and her talking about how she wasn’t even sure she still wanted to be married to me. It set me into a panic, like it has for most LBS’s.

Someone else certainly did NOT happen—I don’t have the extra time, extra money or extra energy to cheat or have an affair, probably even if I wanted to. If anything, I still totally wanted her—to do anything I could have to save the MR. At least until October / November when I began to truly realize that there was no coming back from this, that she truly wanted out, was done, and was full-steam ahead on S / D. Even back in November I still totally wanted her sexually, and she rejected me a couple of times and ONLY THEN did I get the hint, but then she said a couple of months ago that I ‘never wanted to have sex with her again’ because, according to her, I found it ‘sinful.’

Now she brings up talking with a therapist? Those who have followed my threads would remember that she would only consider MC under specific conditions, anyway.

I just can’t say enough how astonishing this all is. The projection, the blame-shifting. She was so angry with me for being pregnant for so long, with later talk of separation, and now all this, 2 nights before she leaves.

And here we go again. I have to wonder if Wednesday will bring Day 3 of this, again—I sure hope not. If that’s the case, I’ll need to shut it down before it starts.


M: 36
W: 30
T: 9
M: 7

S6 (OS)
S7mo (YS)

ILYBINILWY BD: Feb. ‘18

W Wants S / D BD: 1/4/19

H / W still in-house

D papers from W: 3/14/19
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
Don't take the bait Bo!! Don't do it!!! I read this 3 times, and although my experience, our WAW responses, and my sitch eerily similar to yours. Our IVF pregnancy because of my fertility. Mother's Day, Birthday Anniversaries, all the reasons and justifications for separation, (a lot of them legitimate and some of them having nothing to do with me.)

I started asking for documentation for D a few weeks ago because I just got fed up and decided I didn't want to carry on, and she panics, it kind of woke her up but she still held all the cards. After a couple of days of requesting tax documents other stuff from her for that reason, she still kept on making her position clear on what she's doing and what she wants. I told her I didn't want to go down that road with her, but she still insisted on putting the house on the market and selling it. She offered to finally go to joint therapy together, and we had a discussion. Two days later, after our discussion about our trust issues and joint therapy, she changed her mind again and renegged, since she wasn't ready and she was only considering joint therapy because she felt guilty and wanted to appease me. At least that's what she said. Whether those reasons are legitimate and who the hell knows? She twisted and rewrote history on me saying that I never wanted to attend therapy with her back in OCT which was true for October because I was working away. But I made myself clear that I wanted to go to therapy together in January, and Feb. In January and February she insisted on going to therapy alone. She didn't remember that from our recent discussion. Then she reneged again on joint therapy and actually accuse me of the one flip flopping.

Here's my assessment.... It's still all about her... she is asking you if you are open to seeing a therapist together for her to fix and work on her issues FOR HER AND HER ONLY. She knows she is at the eleventh hour of not turning back. She is right on the edge. She is crying because she is mourning the death of the marriage, it is not because she wants to reconcile with you. She is throwing the joint therapy out there as bait to see if you'll hang on a little bit longer, without having to give up her position while still holding all the cards. It's probably nothing more than bait, and it is still a power struggle. She is having second thoughts at the eleventh hour. She is probably not throwing it out there for the both of you. She is just doing it for herself for answers and clarity.

I think you did very well with replying "I have to think about that." If you decide to have this joint therapy discussion with her, I believe the most important question you can ask her is what are her reasons for wanting this, and wanting it now after how far things have gotten? Subtly find out if she wants to do this because she wants to fix things with her, for herself? Or because she wants to actually work on the marriage. Do not cave, do not give up or reveal your position? Ask a few questions to find out her initiative incentive motive and reasons?

Anything short of her saying : "I would like to reconcile and work on the marriage." Is nothing more than a half-hearted attempt at real commitment, and is probably temp checking. Although I can perfectly understand why they would make this entire situation about themselves. If she is still making the interaction in this discussion about her, then she is only looking for clarity and peace of mind, and some answers for herself. She is not making it about you and what she is putting you through, or reconciling. I know that we as the LBS have made a lot of guilty mistakes. A lot of us have apologized and have tried to make good on those mistakes with a contrite heart, and typically we are met with the "too little too late" responses from our R talks, searching for answers on how we got here in the first place.

Take my opinion and experiences for what it's worth. Maybe some of the vets agree and some disagree. But don't give up your position. If you see that she's leaning it's a joint therapy for her own reasons and clarification rather than working on the marriage, and the recommitment to such, keep the "I have to think about that..." responses going.

I definitely feel you on the projection in the blame shifting as I am experiencing nothing but that from W.


Last edited by IHCLACS; 05/01/19 08:32 AM.
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
If the conversation is still all about her, just acknowledge it, validate it, and yes do shut it down. Start paying more attention to the interaction dynamics of conversation, and find and observe the give-and-take, of when she asks you questions about yourself and your position, and when it's all about her. You will know if it's half-hearted if most of the conversation is about her. When there is a balance of curiosity of both people seeking answers and wanting to make amends you will know it. You will sense a contrite heart based on the interaction

Last edited by IHCLACS; 05/01/19 08:40 AM.
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 621
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 621
Hey Bo,

Are you still around? How are things going?


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard