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A Message from Michele
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Re: Still here. Still not detached... (Part 4) [Re: Chris73] #2861909
08/19/19 03:06 PM
08/19/19 03:06 PM
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LH19 Online
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C,

I wouldnít even respond.

You got it out of the way and now itís done. Unfortunately after bomb drop and the crying, begging and pleading they always think itís going to be this way. Thatís why they are so sure of plan B. They donít realize the LBS actually becomes strong as fuch.

You could have an ex that flaunts it in your face.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Still here. Still not detached... (Part 4) [Re: Chris73] #2862069
08/20/19 02:11 PM
08/20/19 02:11 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 461
Philadelphia
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Chris73 Offline OP
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Chris73  Offline OP
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Posts: 461
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Thanks LH19. I never responded. And you're right, at least the ex is being respectful enough to comply... even if making him leave the house while I'm there is a little silly.

I still feel as if the EX is very unstable and/or afraid of making waves with OM. Here's why:

Last night I called her to talk about back to school plans. I suggested that the night before the first day of school would be a nice opportunity for the 4 of us to have dinner as a way of ending the summer and setting the expectations for the school year. She objected immediately and said that there really isn't anything to talk about with the kids. They know what's expected of them and they don't need to hear us go over it with them again. I wanted to argue with her, but I didn't.

...the idea of having the occasional family meal, post-breakup, was suggested by our family therapist a couple of years ago, as a way for the kids to see that our family is still a unit even if the dynamics have changed. Since then I have suggested at least a dozen times that we have one of these meals... neutral territory, not at either parent's house... but EX is always reluctant. The one and only time she complied was last October when we met for bagels on a Sunday morning. I tried to get her to address this reluctance in a therapy session, and her reasoning was that she "didn't want to give the kids the wrong idea about us getting back together."

And 2 years ago, there was some legitimacy in that excuse. But since then, I have never pursued, pushed, argued, pleaded, or done anything else to give her the impression that I want to reconcile. When we communicate it's completely about the kids. I don't ask her about her life. If she asks me about mine, my answers are short.

Anyway, I think I'm done suggesting these "family" meals, and I'm just going to focus on making the most of the time that I spend with my kids. From time to time I hear things like, "Well mom lets us do (such and such) at her house." and it drives me crazy. But I have to remember to stand my ground and continue to enforce MY rules/boundaries with the kids, regardless of what she does. I know they'll hate me for it now, but maybe they'll respect me for it later in life.

But I'm using this forum to speculate... Is she reluctant to have a family meal because it's awkward for her? Or maybe because she doesn't want piss off OM?


M45 W47
M11 T14
S10 D7
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/06
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Re: Still here. Still not detached... (Part 4) [Re: Chris73] #2862073
08/20/19 02:26 PM
08/20/19 02:26 PM
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LH19 Online
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Probably a combination of not leading you on and creating expectations for your children and not making things difficult with the OM.

You're always going to be his biggest threat.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Still here. Still not detached... (Part 4) [Re: Chris73] #2862083
08/20/19 03:09 PM
08/20/19 03:09 PM
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Posts: 7,308
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by Chris73

I still feel as if the EX is very unstable and/or afraid of making waves with OM. Here's why:

Last night I called her to talk about back to school plans. I suggested that the night before the first day of school would be a nice opportunity for the 4 of us to have dinner as a way of ending the summer and setting the expectations for the school year. She objected immediately and said that there really isn't anything to talk about with the kids. They know what's expected of them and they don't need to hear us go over it with them again. I wanted to argue with her, but I didn't.


I don't know I'd call her unstable for that, that's just typical WAS behavior. Sometimes they like to do that stuff to cake-eat but most of the time they just don't want anything to do with the LBS.

Quote
...the idea of having the occasional family meal, post-breakup, was suggested by our family therapist a couple of years ago, as a way for the kids to see that our family is still a unit even if the dynamics have changed.


I am all for it when both parties agree. My XW and I have done this with our kids. But if your W doesn't buy in then you really shouldn't force the issue. And don't blame her or call her names (unstable, etc.), that's her prerogative.

Quote
Anyway, I think I'm done suggesting these "family" meals, and I'm just going to focus on making the most of the time that I spend with my kids.


Yes, this!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
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