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Job......you have a way of saying just what I need to hear.

Last night and today have been a bit of a wakening for me in regards to acknowledging things I continue to create. I am pretty stubborn …. no surprise hearing that....and I honestly thought that I had dealt with some things H has done and continues to do, but obviously I haven't.

It isn't fair to put expectations on anyone...even H. I just figured that if I was okay with allowing him back in my life then surely I had dealt with things and let some things go, but now looking back at the emails and texts between H and I, and postings from here, I haven't let go.

When I moved in with H I offered to help him pay the rent and utilities. He declined, and his reasoning was because he wanted to prove to me that he could take care of us. Previous to BD, I paid for just about everything, with the exception of the utilities of the home, which he took care of. I knew when I moved in with him that financially he was not capable, so I put $500 away every month while living there (he was not aware that I was doing that). I also got him to agree to let me buy groceries for us while I was living there. At one point while living there I had learned that H had not paid our taxes from a few years ago. I tried not to show my anger during that time. I just told him that he needed to figure out how to pay for it because it was from 2 years prior when we had filed "married but separated" and that tax bill was for what HE owed. Of course he did not have the money, so the money that I was putting away ended up paying for those taxes. Another issue of resentment for me.

It was always important for him that I "needed him" but in my mind I didn't need him, I wanted him. He struggled with that. He knows I am strong and independent and can take care of myself, and he even said on several occasions that he knew I would be fine because of that. I did and do need someone to lean into for support. Who doesn't, right?

His love language is "word of affirmation" and I am sure that all of you can tell by my postings this is something I struggle with in regard to H. I am trying....I did tell him on our last visit that I was proud of him for how he continues to work on himself. But, at that end of the conversation I had gotten pretty upset and said some things that most certainly did not show how proud of him I was …. not my proudest moment frown

I really do want to let go of all of this anger, resentment and negative feelings I have towards H and also his parents. I CAN NOT let them continue to have this sort of control over me. I know I am a good person, but being around him brings out the worse in me sometimes.

I have not heard from H since our last meetup, and I am not surprised. He was supposed to give me his schedule that evening so that I could arrange for discernment counseling but I never heard him. Tomorrow will be a week. I am not sure if not hearing from him is a good thing or not? I have no idea what he is doing, if he is trying to scrape together money for a lawyer, or continuing to ignore it all together. I have not control over that and am letting all of that go. If he files there is not anything I can do about it.

As far as the female client......he feels like if he rejects her in any way then she will not use his services anymore and that would mean less money in his pockets. If he doesn't have clients to work on, he doesn't get paid. She knows a lot of people and would say something to others if he ever decided not to engage her in her wants. She acts like she cares about him but in my mind it is manipulation. I am hoping that once her son leaves for college in the Fall, she will fall out of the picture.

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I think we posted at the same minute!

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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skm0619 Offline OP
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Hey Blu......good to hear from you. Thanks for taking the time to catch up on my sitch.

Yes, it is me the hardworking NP, who stuck by her H while he was on/off with the marriage, doing his own thing, making selfish decisions, the Landmark Forum, not being responsible with money, etc etc etc.

I have read what you said to me several times and so much of it makes sense to me. Since having that last discussion with H I feel different. Not sure I can really explain it.....it is like a sense of calm has come over me, or maybe it is the St Johns Wort wink

I agree that he has not been remorseful for all the pain he caused me. I think I really wanted to see the man I thought he would become after all of the SH!T he put me through, and not the man he really is. When I step back and take a look at just exactly how he has treated me during these last 3 years, it is embarrassing that I have put up with all of these things.

I am a very strong, confident person......in my job I make life and death decisions concerning other peoples lives and without hesitation.....but when it comes to my own life, in terms of H and the marriage, I over analyze and try to convince myself to do something different. I have life and death conversations weekly with people, ask people to make a decision to remove their family member from life support and things of that nature, but for whatever reason I am not able to make a decision that will not end my life, but only change it.

I have known for the past several months that we would more then likely end up getting a divorce. I also knew that if that did happen I WOUND NOT be the one who files for it. I know it sounds weird, but I already feel like I am divorced. We have zero communication and honestly don't really have anything to discuss. Our lives are separate and have been for quite some time. H has made D@MN sure of that!!! And the whole "I want a divorce but cant afford a retainer...….but oh yeah, I am going to spend $1000 for a new dog" really p!ssed me off!!!!

When I think back about him I find myself thinking what a coward he really is. I remember receiving a text from him two days after finding out about his affair and it said "more karma coming my way, my check engine light is on and my car didn't start. I just want you to know I am feeling some of the consequences for my actions." For the first 2 days I heard NOT A WORD from this man!!! And then to get a text like that should have been very telling to me about who he really is.

It would have spoken volumes to me if he would have been the one to make the attempt to make things right between us. To this day he still says he "lacks courage to do what is right".....AMEN to that!!! I know it is hard for someone like him, who did not grow up in an environment where expressing, showing or receiving love was normal. He was the one who cried at our wedding, not me, so I know he is capable of feelings and emotions.

I continue to work hard at my job and I am D@MN good at it, now I just need to put some of that energy in to making ME and my better. I have a few opportunities with my job so that is promising. And I was told last week that there is even talk of me getting a raise in the near future smile

Holding on to what could have been with me and H and our marriage, is likely causing my continued anger and resentment. I am tired of blaming myself. I just honestly wonder if I ever will be able to forgive him for what he has done. I guess only time will tell.

Blu......I do not feel that you were too harsh at all. I appreciate your honesty.

SKM

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Hello all.....

Not much to say in regard to others sitch, so I have been quietly reading along.

Things with H haven't really changed. The last time I spoke with him is when he told me he wanted a divorce, but also mentioned that he could not afford a lawyer and asked if we really needed one. I had not heard from him on that front. He also said he would let me know about discernment counseling but I also never heard back from him

The past week I have spoken to him twice. Unfortunately our remaining dog has not been feeling well so today I let H know that the vet was concerned something was wrong, but we were waiting for test results. I could hear H get choked up when I mentioned that something might be wrong.

We spoke about other things, but these past two conversations he has shared quite a bit more about himself and what he is thinking and feeling. He still states that he wants a divorce, and again asked for money from the sell of our house. I told him that he already knows how I feel about the divorce.....that I would not stand in his way but I would also not help him with it. I offered him a certain amount of money, not the full amount, and he refused saying "he wanted more."

He did not make any house payments while living there, nor did he pay for any of the cosmetic changes we made. His contribution was paying the utilities. I told him that I did not think it was fair for him to get half because he did not make contributions to it. I said that I knew he was struggling financially since BD and did not think it was fair for me to give him money to help him pay those debts he incurred after BD.

In the previous conversation I apologized to him, because looking back I feel that I could have tried harder during our last reconciliation. I felt like he was the one who was supposed to do most of the work and that somehow he owed me something. I know he tried (to the best of his abilities) but for whatever reason I did not think it was enough, so it was almost like I made him work harder. I was hoping I would have received an apology from him for certain things that I felt like he could have made more effort on but I didn't get it frown I continue to learn that I can not have expectations in regard to him.....but that is really hard to do sometimes. He thanked me for apologizing.

Now.....this might not have been the best thing to say, but I told him that I honestly felt like he did still love me but that he had such fear about those feelings and did not know how to express them......he agreed that he still has a lot of fear. I told him that I also felt like we were not done with things. Meaning I strongly feel that we will one day be back together. I know that sounds so strange, and possible crazy, but it is how I feel. I don't know if this is wishful thinking, or is it me just not wanting to let go, but my gut has never been wrong and I feel this in my gut.

He asked if he could see our dog and have him this weekend as I will be working. I told him that would be fine. Honestly I do not really want to see him because whenever I do see him I get upset and my emotions get the best of me. We have keys to each others homes, so I might just drop the dog off that way I don't have to see him.

I would love to hear what you guys think. Hope everyone is well smile

SKM

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I am sorry that your dog isn't feeling well. Hopefully the tests will reveal what is going on with him.

I don't recall if you have ever stated that the mortgage is your name only, but if his name is also on the mortgage, the law may look at it as he is to get half of the equity of the home, i.e., regardless as to whether he's paying the his share of the mortgage or not. That would be something that should be discussed w/lawyers to ensure that there is fair division of property for settlement.

Do you want a divorce? If not, then you need to stop having discussions about the division of property, etc. You are planting seeds in his head that you definitely want a divorce. Are you hoping that discussions about it will bring him running back to you? If so, I don't think that this will happen.

I know you want him to know how you feel about getting back together, but you need to cease these talks for now. You are putting undue pressure on him to get his act together. He can hardly take care of himself at the moment. He needs the time to figure things out and find a path back to reality. Focusing on your comments takes him away from what he needs to do for himself. Since you have stated your thoughts, now leave it alone and give him the time he needs. Trust me, he knew before this last conversation how you felt. He also knows that you are waiting in the wings. He senses it and he also knows that you are way too focused on him and his life at the moment. Step back, live your life and just leave him be.

In my opinion, you should only contact him if it's an emergency, i.e., the dog or something else. He needs the time and space to get it together. He's not going to snap out of it any time soon because he's got a ways to go. If he senses you pulling away, he just might come to realize that you aren't waiting on him any longer and start pedaling towards you.

Keep the focus on you and your dog! Only contact him when necessary. Keep moving forward and no more relationship talks w/him at this time.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi

I was also wondering if his name is on the house

I know you fell strongly about R with him, and Im a big believer in intuition, and it may happen-
and I totally agree with Job to move forward

no more relationship talks- let him see you letting go-making friends-having fun moving away from him
I think he has to see you are moving on with your life

I would see a L if you have not -think about if
for a free consult to see where you land financially if D happens
I would not tell your H about L


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Hello.....

In regard to the mortgage, it was in both of our names. It was a way to help establish some credit for H, as he did not grow up in this country, and didn't have established credit.

For me its a big pill to swallow knowing that I made every mortgage payment for 9 years, and then years later BD happens. He didn't want me to sell the house after BD, and when he found out I was going to, he said he would not ask me for any of the money from the sale of it.

H was supposed to call tonight to get the dog since I am working the next 3 days....this should come as no surprise.....he didn't call. I had a feeling he wouldn't.

I know that the last conversation I had with him was pretty pitiful on my part. And yes, I do want him to know how I feel, but as Job has said he does know how I feel, I just need to let him do his thing and figure himself out.

When I do speak to him he sounds so put together and really has himself convinced. Honestly it is almost difficult to listen to him speak because he talks like he knows it all, and that he has everything worked out.

I have told myself that this is going to be difficult, but I have to really LET HIM GO. I now he will struggle but that is part of his journey and I will leave him to it.

This past week after the conversations I had with H, it put me back to a time when I first found out about his affair. He is spewing very similar things just like after BD. What that tells me is he is not in place where he thinks he is, or where I thought he was. This is not a sprint, this is a marathon.

So, enough about him. Things for me are busy. I have some new continuing education that I am working on in order to get my raise in June. I will be traveling out of town for a few conferences in order to meet the requirements for the increase in pay. I am traveling to NC and will be able to see a very good friend of mine on that trip...….so I am looking forward to that. I also have a trip tentatively planned for July to meet up with a few of my girlfriends who I have know for 25+ years.

As always, I appreciate all of the advice that is given to me. I am very stubborn, and obviously am the type of person that when I get a thought in my head I feel like someone needs to know about it...……..and usually that person who I fee like needs to know is H. Not a good choice!!! I will continue to work on letting him go, and do the work that is required of me.

Hope you all have a nice weekend. Here the weather is suppose to be in the mid 80s...….of course I will be at work and wont get to enjoy it frown

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We are all fixers and stubborn. We want to fix them and we try and try and then one day, the advice that we offer here clicks in our brains. You have tried many times over to get him to see the light. Now, it's time to truly think about what you want and move forward in that direction.

As for the house, he may have said at that time that he didn't want anything from the sale, but they do tend to become selfish and want their share and sometimes more. I hope I am wrong about that for your sake.

As for your upcoming trips, please do not rely on him to take care of the dog. I would have a Plan B in place because it sounds like he's still not capable of meeting appointments and taking care of the dog. I'm not surprised he didn't call to get the dog. He's hiding from you because of the previous conversation. They can't stand confrontation or hearing the truth.

I'm glad you are moving forward and getting additional continuing education and have trips planned. You are a worker bee and will get that promotion w/o any problems.

Come here when you have a bee in your bonnet and need to vent. It's far better to do it here than to or at him. Even though he sounds together when you speak w/him....truly he's not. It's the mask he's wearing and when he's not around you, he is probably and confused mess. It's tiresome wearing masks around people.

Even though you are working, I hope you have a nice weekend and a pleasant Easter.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi

You will let go b/c you have before..

Happy Holidays


married 14 years
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Thanks Job and Peace...……

Not much going on here. I continue to work too much, but it keeps my brain busy. Still planning those few trips this summer, as well as my continuing education trips. Work is busy right now (never good when you work in the medical field).

I heard from a friend that she saw H's truck at the lawyers office today. I guess that can only mean he is moving forward with D. I have not heard from him at all since our last conversation and I am not surprised. He has his new dog now and I am pretty sure that he thinks life is so great. I know that day will come when he makes the decision to move forward because he really believes that once he is divorced he will be "happy." I doubt he will give me any kind of heads up that he filed. I really would like to say something to him that I know he was at the lawyers office, but I'm sure that will only make him mad.

I can only assume that he borrowed money from his friend, since he continues to rack up credit card debt. I have checked his credit recently and no new credit cards or loans that I can see, so that is why I can assume he borrowed money from his friend, and also because he said he didn't have the money to file and that was why he wanted us to file without lawyers. I have not contacted a lawyer yet.....I will wait and see when I receive papers.

I don't have a good feeling about all of this though. He is so in debt and is not busy at his work right now, and that means no money is coming in as he works fee for service. I know he is struggling financially and that is probably giving him more motivation to file because he is under the impression he will be getting a decent amount of money.

It is a pretty hard pill to swallow knowing that I paid for everything during our marriage and he is the one who is unfaithful, then he goes and spends money like crazy, goes into debt and in the end I will have to give him my hard earned money. He contributed NOTHING to any sort of savings account. SO FRUSTRATING!!!!

I know in my heart and my head that he is still suffering and he just wants to do whatever he can to make himself feel better. He is wearing a mask to cover up his truths. One day those truths will come back to haunt him.

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