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Originally Posted by skm0619
Roist, Job and OneArt…...thank you for the replies.

I made a decision to reach out to H on Friday to see if he would be interested in going to the park with me and the dog. He did not reply so I reached out again today and said "never heard back form you, we are headed to the park and would love to see you." He replied and said he would meet us there. Today, we meet and there was awkwardness (on his part) when we arrived. I said hello first and he did not reply, not a great feeling to not have him say hello back. I later asked him if he heard me and he said he did and didn't know why he didn't say anything back.

He greeted the dog and we started off to the park. The conversation of the new dog came up quickly and he said the reason he did not tell me was because he had been struggling whether it was the right thing to do. He didn't want it to seem like he was replacing the one that passed away. He has been lonely in his house. He talked quite a bit, mostly about himself and his new dog that is coming, and how he is currently dog sitting. He spoke about his work and said that he was glad I asked him to come out to meet them cause he knew we needed to talk about 'us." I mentioned that my intent was not for us to speak about us our marriage or lack there of, and that I simple wanted today to be about him spending time with the dog and seeing how he was. Unfortunately that did not last long...….

Why did you make contact to invite H? I don't need to know, but it could help you if you uncover exactly what motivated you.

I know you are upset that he spent 1000 on another dog. I agree, especially when there are many free dogs around. But look at it another way. Many LBS here wish that their WAS would seek company of a dog to fill their loneliness!! Much better than other alternatives.


He blamed me for why he has not reached out to see the dog. When he said that I told him that upsets me because I didn't feel like it was up to me whether he saw the dog or not. I could feel myself getting angry so I told him to please leave me alone for a little bit......and he did. He later came back and said he did not want me to think he was blaming me because he knows it is really about him. He said he still has a lot of fear when it comes to talking about things, mostly things that are uncomfortable to him. He said he is working on it as best he can. He then started talking about how he knows he still has a lot of work to do.

We continued to talk about him and how he is still living in fear of judgement and how others perceive him, and how his pride really does take over when he makes decisions. He said he the reason he waited so long to answer my text yesterday was because he wanted to make sure he was going to say the right thing.

Unfortunately his parents came up in conversation and he said he understands why I am upset about how they treated me but he feels like "at some point I need to let it go." He did ask me if I thought that the reason I did not get along with his parents was the reasons we continued to have issues and I said I did, and he said "it is one of the reasons."

These paragraphs speak tonnes IMO. It shows how he is not in a good state of mind. It proves it even. The good news is that this depression can eventually lift, leaving place for clarity. The bad news isthat for the moment all decisions are clouded by it. I find it positive that he sees he is unhappy, sees his fear, acknowledges not knowing why he does some stuff and most importantly realises he has a lot of work to do on himself and that he has started

Now this is when it got upsetting for me......he said the dreaded "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" statement frown OUCH!!!! I told him that I understand why he feels that way. I told him that neither one of use has really been honest about how we feel towards each other. I also said that I know I can be very difficult at times, and that I get angry and upset and say hurtful things......and I have no excuse for that. And, the only reason I do that is to make him feel bad.

Ouch. Yeah that gotta hurt you. It is never an easy thing to hear. Don't dwell on it. It is his truth at the moment. That can change. Believe that.

He said no one can make him feel any worse about himself then him. He said everyday he thinks about what he did and how he treated me and the bad choices he made. He then said he wanted a divorce. I asked him why he wanted a divorce and he said he "wasn't happy and didn't want to be married anymore." I asked him if he thought getting a divorce would make him happy and he said "no, it makes me sad thinking about getting a divorce."

This again speaks volumes about his state of mind. He is unhappy with himself. Many LBS understand at least on a surface level what depression can feel like. I can say from experience that it is a terrible horrible place to be. Most WAS associate their spouce/their M to be the source of this feeling and the logical solution is to remove themselves from the situation to feel better. Your H seems to already have an insight into the fact that the problem is deeper within him. That is a huge headstart on many. The fact that it saddens him to think about getting divorced I find positive. I will issue a small warning about it though in that he is likely to be sad about everything anyway. But it does show that he hasn't this rosey picture of the greener grass on the other side and hence has less motivation to pursue it.

He then said he went to see lawyer and can not afford to pay the retainer fee. He then asked me if we needed a lawyer in order to get a divorce. I took that to mean he wanted us to do some sort of an online divorce. We don't have kids and we don't have community property any longer because I sold the house previously. THEN IT CAME......"and I think we should split all the money that is in the bank" ……...then the anger in me came out...not one of my better moments.

He does not have one dime of money in any sort of savings account and has never contributed to the current savings accounts. I also have a 401K, as well as an IRA and a different savings account that I opened after BD.

H has had another reality check and can see the expensive side of D. There are surely many other costs that he cannot see too. It is good that he saw that before launching the D boat. Don't help him find a cheap D. Tell him that whatever way it proceeds you will ensure it is done right even if that is more expensive. Don't elaborate but it is just to show you won't be pushed over to accommodate him.

Maybe you need to seek legal advice about your rights and his regarding "your" money. Take the advice and safeguard it. Once you are reassured about that or at least clear where you stand, hopefully it will not be a source of further


I told him that I did not want a divorce but would not stand in his way if he felt like he needed to proceed with one. I then said to him that I think that the both of us have not done the work needed to make this marriage work. I took FULL RESPONSIBILITY for my anger, frustration, resentment and any negative emotion that I had during our marriage as well as after BD and up until today. I also said I felt like he did not really want a divorce but didn't know what else to do and thinks that this is it.

I apologized for raising my voice and apologized for saying mean things to him. Hearing myself speak like that tells me I HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO!!!!!

On several different points, you talked about your anger. Whereas I understand why you are angry, I can assure you that it will not serve you well. You have identified it as a point to work on. Outline how you plan to do that. Imagine the difference it could make in your interactions with H if it wasn't there. Anger clouds our vision too, so it can influence you in a way you would otherwise not choose.

Before we left he agreed to go to discernment counseling, and we both agreed to not to speak to anyone about what we spoke about today regarding the divorce.

I am so sad frown





Overall there are many positives about this painful interaction. However the overall point is that H is still at a very low point and has a lot of work and time before that can change. If you can accept that, it should be easier to leave him to it and not push for more meetings etc. He needs time and space. It is positive that he is open with you and that he is willing to meet you. Give him time and maybe he will WANT to meet you.

So what are you going to use that required time and space to do yourself? I don't just mean working on yourself but also to enjoy life.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
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Skm

sorry..for your pain-
I don't know anything about that counseling but hopefully it can help-

If I remember your situation from b4..Your H made movement toward you when you were showing signs of being done..moving on
when you were selling the house? Is that correct?

Either way , not to contact is probably a good plan-
working on you creating new activites, friends ect hobbies
healing-

I would not beat yourself up-about anything

We all do the best we can at any point and usually only learn after--

sometimes the price is high to learn stuff we need to BUT

nothing ever turns out wrong in the big scheme of things
trust that-


married 14 years
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bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
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In the aftermath of Hs latest affair 1/2018, we went to MC for 6 months. Got nowhere. H could not stop ping-ponging from work on M, status quo, or S with intent to D. We then did discernment counseling. The purpose is to make one of those decisions. IF you chose work on M, it's then intensive MC with wholehearted intent to repair marriage. Does it always end up repaired? No. But both spouses need to commit to it. Status quo is exactly what it says. Don't change anything....for now.

H and I went to 4 sessions. Although throughout all of MC, and at the beginning of discernment counseling, I was adamant I want to try to R, He could not move closer to any one choice. When pressed, he probably was closer to S, but he couldn't/wouldn't do anything or say anything about it. In the end, I'm the one that said I thought he should move out temporarily for him to hopefully get a clearer picture of what he wanted. In retrospect, I have my doubts this was wise, but the situation was bringing me down and keeping me stuck. I hated who I was becoming with status quo.

We made it through 4 sessions out of the designated 6 before I suggested that.

So, I guess for me it got me unstuck, and moving forward. For H, he is still ping-ponging to this day.

I wish you luck on your journey.


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

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Hello skm

It is interesting that H agreed to meet you for a visit in the park. The conversation I believe was benifical. His responses show a lot of self awareness, about the pain and difficulties he has caused you, and that he is experiencing. There is even some responsibility for his actions. This is encouraging.

Like all endeavours - do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.

He positively responded to your invitation for a visit. Give him some time and space; see if he reaches out. If not, ask again. Perhaps in a few weeks.

The next time:

“I simply wanted today to be about him spending time with the dog and seeing how he was. Unfortunately that did not last long...….”

Do that. Just spend time with him and have fun with the dog. The previous conversation probably gave him enough to think about for a while. If he brings something up, just kind of let it go and “spend time”. Of course listen and acknowledge, but no need to have a R conversation so soon after the last one.

H seems to be in a different place than most. Remaining calm and pressure free may just help him have a few more pieces to fall somewhat in to place, or at least into play.

From my point of view, things went really well. I wish my spouse had such “feelings” and awareness.

You’re doing fine.

DnJ


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Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hello everyone.….been at work the two days and missed everyone commenting.

Thank you OneArt, Roist, Peace, Grace and DNJ. It means a lot to me that you would all take the time to respond.

I have had a few days to think about the last interaction with H and everything that was said during that time. It was hard to hear him say the "ILYB" statement again. I know he is struggling with his feelings and emotions. That is something he has struggled with our entire marriage.

Roist.......the reason that I made contact with H was because he had sent a text at the end of January saying he really wanted to spend more time with the dog. But I knew he would not reach out, so that is why I made the decision to do it. By his own admission, he over thinks every decision or interaction he is going to make beforehand, and usually does not follow through on a lot of things because of that.

He really has made progress when it comes to being able to acknowledge his lack of feelings and emotions, as well as his fears. He also acknowledged that he still has work to do and even stated during our last conversation that he avoids conversations with people (and me) because he is afraid of what they will say, and assumes there will be some sort of confrontation. I really wish he could find a way to get over that.

He is unhappy and it is a hard thing to see. I totally agree with you when you say that most WAS associate their spouse or M to be the source of their unhappiness. That has taken me a long time to understand, but I finally get it. I had mentioned in the past that maybe he was depressed and he totally disagreed with me. He wants everyone to see him as this happy, go lucky, positive kind of guy. But in fact, he is someone who sits at home alone most nights. But, he is also the guy who will bend over backwards for friends and will go out of his way to do things for them.

Luckily for me I am secure from a financial standpoint, and don't depend on H in that issue. If I end up having to give H some money, it will make a dent, but I should be okay. The bills he does pay, in return for keeping him on my health insurance, are in my name.

Peace......yes in the past H started to make his way towards me when he knew that I was showing signs of being done. I had taken 6 weeks off work and traveled on my own with the dogs. That time really opened my eyes. When I came back from that time away I decided to sell the house and that is when H started to see that I was a different person and started coming back around.

I know that some of these lessons are very hard to learn, and I hope that one day I can look back and see that it was what I really needed.

Grace......After BD H and I did not go to MC. We were going about a year before when I thought we were in a bad spot......little did I know he was cheating at the time. H agreed to go to discernment counseling, but he also said that he wanted to educate himself a bit more about it. The day that we spoke he said he would let me know his schedule so that I could try to arrange for times to set up. Well, I have not heard from him at all, which I am not surprised about. I am not going to bring it up again.

I know that he sees his IC every Wednesday so I would imagine that he will bring that up during his session.

I understand your sentiment about hating who you were becoming during the status quo. I used to tell myself that H really brought out the worst in me, but I know have come to realize that my anger is really the issue.

I am following along on your sitch, and am rooting for you smile

DNJ.....I have followed your sitch from the beginning and have found that you have great wisdom and strength in your posts. I really do enjoying reading what you have to say,

I don't feel like I am doing fine frown I don't know what it is, but when I am around H it is so easy for me to let my emotions go and then that spills over into everything. Like Roist said..."anger clouds our vision". Yes, H has self awareness about the pain both of us is experiencing. It really is hard to see him struggle. This whole BD process has really opened my eyes to some many things...….good and bad.

I don't have any plans to reach out to H. Initially I thought about texting him to see if he would watch the dog this weekend as I will be at work (Sat, Sun and Mon) but then I decided not to do that. H knows that he is home alone while I work, and has not reached out to see him in the past, so I am not going to ask him to help out. It does get me upset though when I think about it because he is currently dog sitting for two of his friends who are away on spring break, but he cant watch his own dog??? There is the anger!!!

The last couple of days at work were pretty hard (for many reason) and I actually broke down at work which is something I usually do not do. I spoke with the Chaplain at the hospital and he gave me some things to think about, but the most important thing he said to me was "you need to find the time to take care of you." AMEN!!!

I am not exactly sure why, but after the last interaction with H (and breaking down at work) I feel this sense of calm. If H decides that he is going to proceed with the D there is nothing I can do about it. I told him that I will not stand in his way if that is his decision, but I will not help facilitate it.

Sorry, that was quite a long post...……….

Hope everyone is well smile

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Hello friend!

I don't frequent as much as I used to but you are one of the poeple I would follow and still look for. I look forward to reading these updates soon! Kids sports are calling today, but I will be back later. .... OneArt, I think I have figured you out. I'm a little slloooowwwwwww. Sorry! ... I need to update soon as well. Not that I have much exciting to say. ... And where is Coly? .... I feel so much less motivated to read/post when my friends disappear.

Cheers all!
Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Hello skm

Originally Posted by skm0619
I am not exactly sure why, but after the last interaction with H (and breaking down at work) I feel this sense of calm.

In your last interaction you expressed some of your anger, at one point you even asked him to leave you alone for a bit. The breaking down at work was a further release of pent-up emotions. Getting those out, is healthy, and brings the calm.

Originally Posted by skm0619
I don't feel like I am doing fine frown

I understand you don’t “feel” like you are doing fine.

Now, you’ve read my situation so you probably have heard me speak about feelings, thoughts, and beliefs - I might have said something about that once or twice. smile

Feelings are fleeting. Let them flit away. Feelings will persist for as long as you reinforce or feed them. This is for all of them. Anger, love, sad, happy, etc...

So, you feel like your not doing fine. How do you think you are doing? How do you believe you are doing? Really consider those two responses. Ensure you are sitting in the corresponding “car” when finding your answers.

Originally Posted by skm0619
I don't know what it is, but when I am around H it is so easy for me to let my emotions go and then that spills over into everything.

Emotional hijacking is very common and takes a concerted effort to overcome.

From what I’ve read anger is the problem emotion for you. There is caring, kindnesss, compassion, sorrow, and such as well, and these can also hijack you. However anger does seem to be the most passionate for you.

This is not all that surprising. Love and anger are just a hair’s breadth apart from each other. Both are passionate feelings. It is pretty darn hard to be mad at something or someone if you don’t care about it or love them.

Feelings are born from within our subconscious. They are real, so acknowledge them. They are also irrational, meaning not based on logic and reason. Irrational is not wrong or crazy - it is just emotions. We strive to accept our feelings and let go of ones that don’t serve us.

Intellect is where logic and reason reside. Being completely rational, feelings do not exist within our intellectual thoughts. We strive to understand and reason, thereby letting go those ideas and thoughts that do not serve us.

So, how to let go of anger. Let’s use the dog example from you park conversation.

Originally Posted by skm0619
I don't have any plans to reach out to H. Initially I thought about texting him to see if he would watch the dog this weekend as I will be at work (Sat, Sun and Mon) but then I decided not to do that. H knows that he is home alone while I work, and has not reached out to see him in the past, so I am not going to ask him to help out. It does get me upset though when I think about it because he is currently dog sitting for two of his friends who are away on spring break, but he cant watch his own dog??? There is the anger!!!

There is a lot I wish like to say; I’ll try to be concise.

Something I found very helpful for getting my feelings under control is to be accurate. Be accurate in thought and heart. See things as they truly are.

It is obvious you got angry. We cannot reason or stop an emotion. All we can do is not feed it and let it run it’s course. Usually returning from being emotionaly hijacked takes about 30 minutes, if we stop feeding it.

Once you are calm, like now, get in your intellectual car and stay there for this part. Really! Do not succumb to your emotions, stay with reason and logic. Why are you angry about the dog situation? What is it about that event that brings those feelings out?

Find the answer. Think it, don’t feel it.

From here you can accurately and clearly see the event that triggers your emotional, irrational, and completely beyond your control, response. This is what you are trying to achieve, to see what was going on that brought about your feelings.

Now, look at the event, the trigger. Remember while staying in the intellectual car you will not feel anything regarding this event. You can logically see it and rationalize it. This will uncouple the event from your emotional response. The more rational you see what is going on, the less irrational (emotional) response you will have.

This does take effort, a mental assertiveness, and more than a few times to get it figured out - so some time is required, by patient and keep at it.

This idea, or method, is the basis of detachment, indifference, and letting go - especially fear.

I would also point out you have some expectations in regard to H’s probable responses. This also leads you down an emotional road you need not go.

I could ramble on about beliefs and so on, however I’ll stop here.

I would like to ask what your headings are, what destination are you working towards? Knowing you’ve followed me, you can guess my suggestions. Kindness, compassion, understanding, and forgiveness.

I am interested in what you think regarding your triggers and this method. I would be happy and willing to discuss further if you wish.

DnJ


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Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hi DNJ...….thank you for taking the time to reply.

I don't think I am doing fine in the sense that I still can not seem to get a handle on the anger and resentment that I have towards H. I work in healthcare and have the ability to show great kindness, compassion, sorrow, empathy and all of those emotions, but when it comes to H I seem to not be able to find it in me to show that to him. I was thinking today that my anger comes from him not meeting my expectations when it came to how I thought he should have felt and reacted after BD.

I feel like he didn't try hard enough to make sure that I was okay through all of this. I had this idea that he should do everything there was possible to make sure I was okay, that I recovered from all of this trauma and that I felt safe and secure. But in all honestly, what I really felt was abandoned.

Even when we did reconcile, I still had expectations that he should be doing more. I still did not feel like a priority. He didn't ever suggest counseling for the two of us during that time, but I did. He didn't make changes to his workout routine, which was a big deal prior, and I felt he continued to make selfish decisions (opened another credit card and didn't tell me) and to make his best friend and certain clients a priority over me/us.

The reason I am angry about the dog situation is because he has a dog and does not reach out to see him or spend time with him, but whenever his best friend leaves town, he will always offer to take care of their pets. And now he is taking care of a clients dog who is also out of town. These two people (the BFF and client) were an issue for us because he would drop everything for them and put their needs and wants over what I felt. He didn't know how to do both...….help out his friend and spend time working on us...….for him it was either one or the other.

I can remember one night he told me he was not going to be able to meet me for dinner because he had to go to his client's sons football game. This particular client, I feel has over stepped the bounds of a professional relationship, because she calls and asks H to come to her sons football games, asks him to go to the out of town games with her, and she also asks him to come to their house to work on her son (H works with high school/college athletes). She would also make it difficult for H to decline the offers because she would say "I already bought your ticket to the game" or "you should ride with me to the game" or "I will pay you to watch the dog for me." She also is the one who gave him a living room full of furniture when I asked H to leave after I found out about his affair. She has also told him that he should divorce me, told him to block me on texts, emails and social media, and has told him that he deserves better and blah blah blah.

H continues to struggle financially, so any chance he can get to make a few extra dollars he will do it, and she knows that he is struggling. I honestly think that if she ever found out that he did not have enough money to get a lawyer that she would offer to pay for it for him.....and I think he would let her.

I know that these are all examples of things that make me FEEL angry and upset. They may seem very petty, and after reading what I wrote …….it is petty, but it is the reality of what I deal with with H.

Your idea of thinking it and don't feel will most certainly take some time to get used to doing......but I will try.

I have ordered a few books online to try and help me with learning how to let go of my anger and resentment and trying to work on forgiving. I have forgiven H for his affair, but I have not forgiven other issues like how I feel like he abandoned me. Also hoping they can shed some light on letting go of expectations.

SKM

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Expectations of others will drive anyone batty and create anger and resentment. It takes a lot of energy to be angry and resent someone because they either didn't do or say what we had hoped.

When the BD, and still today, your h doesn't have it in him to help anyone but himself. He's not capable of taking care of you and ensuring that you are okay. I have a feeling that he knows that you are a very strong and independent woman who can take care of herself, but he doesn't realize that you still need someone to lean on once in a while. Your h sounds a lot like my xh who would come to the rescue of others, but when it came to doing things for me, it didn't happen and I did ask him about it one time...the answer...he knew I could take care of myself and anything that needed to be done. He didn't feel needed by me. I don't know if that is how your h feels about your situation, but maybe his "love language" is that he needs to be needed, affirmed and recognized for what he does. Maybe he's getting that from others at the moment.

Yes, the lady client is being way too friendly outside of a work relationship....but she knows that you two are separated and he's there by himself. She sees no harm in inviting him to games, but I also see this being more of an emotional affair at the moment. She sits there and offers him friendship, comfort and most likely encourages him to talk about himself, the business and life. You do not have a clue as to what he's told her about you. If she is encouraging him to divorce you, I think she has an ulterior motive in suggesting this, i.e., she wants him for herself. She's using every excuse she can find to have him be around her and yes, she is playing the damsel who can't take care of things for herself or hire someone else to do the work for her. Your h is fragile and vulnerable and doesn't have a clue that he is being manipulated by this client/so called friend. He needs to figure this out on his own and cut the after hours business w/this particular woman.

I will honestly say yes, she would pay for your h's lawyer to help him divorce you. She would do anything to have this man if he just said the word "yes, I need to divorce her".

Actually, I do not think what you posted about your h is petty. I've been there and know what you have dealt with and it's very frustrating when your spouse will go off on his white horse and rescue others, but leaves his spouse at home to deal w/things.

I hope the books will help you. Letting go of expectations is very freeing and it allows that anger, resentment and disappointment slowly disappear. We are fixers and because we hold ourselves to a certain standard, we tend to forget that others do not do the same. It took me a long time to learn to accept people for who they are and not expect them to do or act the way that I had hoped.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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skm,

I have read all of your recent posts and would like to weigh in. I also recall your previous posts -- he had an A, he was distant on/off, did the Landmark Forum, not responsible with money, there was a brief recon, the selling of the house, the dogs, and the issues with his parents. And you are this hardworking nurse (practitioner I think), independent, strong and remained loyal to him throughout it all. The sense I have gotten, and continue to read here, is a lot of resentment from you. And I think it is completely understandable! It does not mean anything is wrong with you or that you need to change!

My perspective here on the boards can be different than others and one (aside from time) of the reasons I don't post much. So please take what I say with a giant grain of salt. I had the H come back and "do all the things" and he has been back for 4 years. I still don't have a great M, and maybe not even a very good one. It is functioning nonetheless and we are both here. However, a motivator for me is that we have 3 kids, a home we own, and my finances/quality of life would take a huge hit if I didn't stick this out. I couldn't even aford to stay in my community or keep my kids in their schools. .... You don't have that with him, so from my (limited) perspective, you have more freedom to leave it behind you. Again, you are free to discard my advice.

Look, you deserve so much more than anything this guy is willing to give you. Even when he was willing to give it a go, he didn't seem completely in it, committed to making it work or even remorseful for the hurt he had caused. That is why I said I think it is understandable that you have anger. You can read books, and work on your anger, but IMHO if you close the door on this relationship with him, you will also let go of some of this anger. Because you not only resent him and everything he has done (and NOT done) but you are angry at yourself for holding on. How could you not be?

He has told you in so many ways, he wants out, but poor baby can't even afford to file. LAME. He has given you the ILYBINILWY again. YAWN. He is not in a good financial space so he spends $1000 on a puppy and now he wants some of your hard earned money? NO WAY. This part actually makes me angry. You still have hard feelings about his parents and he is telling you to let it go. You are entitled to your feelings. A loving partner understands that and helps facilitate positive relationships with inlaws. But you don't have a loving partner. You have a piece of legal paperwork that says you are still M. So what are you trying to save? Even when he came back around, you questioned then if it was worth it. Perhaps you are more attached to the idea of him and what it could be verses the reality of who he is and what he is telling you?

I feel like most people here tell each other that there is always this chance that they could come around one day. And that is true. We also say how all we can do is let them go and focus on ourselves and that is also true. But what no one talks about is that we can wait for years and years and that opportunity may come and then THAT is the moment we realized we should have moved on years before. Because we cannot get those years back. And I imagine that you are young, beautiful and full of life, and you deserve a partner that sees that in you. Holding on to him -- and all the anger that surrounds that attachment -- is not helping you move forward. I don't think you can heal your resentment until you let go of him and the M.

Have you read any posts by Deja in Newcomers? Her M has been over for years and she is letting go and now seeing other people. Her energy has shifted so much and you can read it all over her posts. It is very refreshing.

I hope I don't seem too harsh. I like you and I have watched you blame yourself for your anger. I disagree with that. ... I just think the chance of him ever being good enough for you is so low. Even when they do come back and "do all the things" like my H did, it is still SO SO hard! The past doesn't go away. It can take many years and then we may still second guess it. Knowing what I know now about all the stuff I have been reading here, and in my own M, if I were not so tied to my family, I would leave it all behind me and start over. But I can't. And I also think my H deserves a chance. I don't see how your H does tho.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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