97Hope - you're a fellow goat lover? I'm so glad to hear this! I truly loved every second I was with the goats. The cattle too. I loved the cows (and a couple of sweet bulls). I don't want to care for them myself, but I do adore them. There was this one bull I just called "big boy" because he as as sweet as pie. I never did learn their names in Italian. I always called the animals by their tag numbers. Except one calve was named "Fragola" ("strawberry") which was adorable due to his coloring.
You've got me reminiscing now about that sweet smell of hay (fieno) and straw (paglia) and manure (concime). Honestly, those were the most important words I learned!
Well boo. 97 I wrote a response to you about animals and I guess it didn't post. bummer!
All I was going to write is my appreciation that you love animals as much as i do, and the hard work they require. I worked with some cattle in Italy and did love it - I just don't want them for myself! Too much work, I'm looking for something smaller than you have. But boy, there really are some wonderfully sweet. There was even a bull I worked with I called "Big Boy" just because he was so sweet and gentle. I never did learn their names - I just called them all by their tag numbers. But "Big Boy" was something special. One day I turned my back to him without thinking and he gave one of those really big scratchy licks up the back of my arm. I jumped 3 feet (it hurt!) and giggled hysterically. Sometimes animals just surprise you in the funniest ways!
I know you have a bunch of change in your life happening now as well. A change of heart, perhaps. I'll check in on you again soon. I hope you're well. Send my love to your goat
97, I wrote TWO responses to you last night, and I can't tell you why but neither of them posted! How annoying. Must be human error or gremlins. Not sure which.
I used to hate gardening because you sweat so much. Now I look at it like, "ohhh I get to go out and SWEAT". I just dress appropriately and expect it, and for some reason it stopped bothering me when I anticipate it. Also I'm getting really tan this summer from just a bit of outdoor time and I look great. W used to say, "You're all golden and delicious!". I still laugh at that phrase.
Oh, I get it about you and your cattle. I loved working with the cows when in Italy. I just don't want them myself right now - a lot of work, a lot of land, a lot of cost - but they are such sweet creatures. Even the bulls I worked with were gentle souls. One I just called "Big Boy", and he was especially comical. I turned my back to him one day (pretty sure I was yelling at the damn chickens) and he just did one giant liiiiiicccckkkk up the back of my arm. I jumped three feet in the air! I think he was secretly laughing. Silly humans.
I don't know if we can be friends if you aren't a 'little' crazy.
Your trip to Italy sounds fabulous!!! Do you have people there or do a booked trip? My dad is from Italy and I would love to go back. I've only been to Venice.
I had the same experience with the sweating. I could not stand it. I live in a VERY hot climate in the summers and I had to bite the bullet like you, dress for the occasion and deal with it. Since I'm here alone, I mowed in my bikini yesterday - H showed up and his face fell off. I didn't know he was coming, I was just trying to even out my farmer's tan. It was quite humorous for me, and I'm liking that he still digs my chili.
I like your W's line "golden and delicious" haha.
I love the smell of manure. I was raised in upstate NY so the smell of it reminds me of home. Having these babies here just does my soul good.
I sent your love to my goat. She is precious and loves to hop on my back when I'm bent over working. We were doing goat yoga before it was cool.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Goat ladies are always a little crazy, and I hope to one day be a goat woman. Can't be helped. So yes, I'll gladly jump on the "little crazy" bandwagon.
I didn't know anyone - I was participating as a WWOOFer. I needed to get away from this whole Divorce thing and I thought running away to Italy was a good idea (IT WAS). And I'm always trying to improve my Italian, so I wanted to immerse myself and not just tour museums and stay in hostels. Also, as a newly single woman I wanted to be conservative with my spending, since my future is a little unknown. What an AWESOME experience it was. i could imagine that the experiences with WWOOF vary widely, but I was very selective about farms I applied to (no single male farmers - I just would not feel comfortable in a strange country working with a gentleman I didn't know. I only applied to places with families/children).
The idea of goat yoga makes me laugh. In some ways it's super fun to have baby goats (capretti) climb on you. On the other hand...sooooooo hipster.
W is coming this weekend and we will be reviewing asset paperwork and she'll be working on staging the house.
I don't know how I feel about her these days
I'm oscillating between ANGRY and HURT with a touch of moving on, and not feeling too worked up about it. Sometimes I just feel like, "Oh, yes. We're getting divorced and selling the house". And sometimes I think she will definitely regret this in a year or so. I don't know why I think a year - I just do. Sometimes I think maybe this was always going to happen. Sometimes I think there is something I could do, sometimes I think there is nothing I could do. Sometimes I think I'd rather just ignore her and be a bit short - but other times I think some "normalcy" in our conversations will be best for the long-run.
I have a choice. We don't need to speak ever again if that was my choice. We don't have kids, so we don't have a need to stay in touch. I don't know what to do with this choice.
I'm trying to remind myself that the best thing I can do is keep it simple. Not initiate conversations, but answer kindly and normally. The lovingly detach thing. That if there is a chance in the future for us to reconnect this leaves the door open. I don't have to decide anything now - I just have to not slam the door.
sometimes I want to slam the damn door. I never did get to yell back at her when she delivered so much hurt and told me all the ways I was wrong in our R. I never did scream at her for having an A. These behaviors that were just so NOT the W I knew - I was a deer in the headlights and I froze. She never saw me respond with much emotion at all - and from some of our last conversations before the break she takes this as proof that I didn't care "enough". Using it to justify herself. See? We were not meant to be. Yail didn't care enough to fight for the R.
You can't fight for something that already left. And by that time, she had already left.
I see how we were so clearly, and I see our problems so clearly. Both of us held back - A LOT. We weren't honest with each other, and I think we both feared judgement from the other. But that honesty would have made us do the work needed and would have likely brought us closer together.
I am growing in so many ways, and I'm genuinely proud of that. I am grateful I won't remain stuck as the person that I was during our R. But I want to try this again. But I also don't. I'm sick at the idea of being with W, because there is so much pain there I feel nauseous. So I bury it a bit, and it's slowly bubbling to the surface.
R is not on the table. But I also in this moment KNOW that a new R with a new person would be 1000x easier than trying again with W.
I just wonder how we would be if she met me now and saw me as this new person. I take up space. I'm unapologetic for taking up space. I know what I want and I make decisions. These are all the things she wanted from me - BEGGED me to be. But in order for me to do so I needed to lose my fear that I'd make the wrong choice. When you lose what is most precious you lose your fear. Now I don't have the fear that W won't like what I do, so I can apologetically be Yail. And that is always what she wanted for me.
I had forgotten that the occasional cry really helps release those emotions and puts me on an even keel. It has been a long time since I've cried.
Tonight I was cleaning the house preparing for W to come tomorrow. Stuffed some stuff in closets. Decided I really dislike the art work she hung in the house, took more of it down. Made a mistake and peeked at my wedding dress, which was worn only 1.5 years ago. Well that started the tears.
But I kept cleaning while crying. And then sat down to fill out the Divorce asset paperwork which is step #1. I've been trying to get to this for a few days, but each time I get worked up. Today it seemed easier. Cold, hard facts. Here's what's in my IRA. Here's my bank account. Here are my expenses.
W makes so much more than I do, but I have always been able to budget and stay within my means. It isn't any different now. I keep elaborate budget spreadsheets so filling out the paperwork was a breeze. How much in groceries a month? I already have that down to the penny. Taking a 6 month average is a piece of cake.
Stick to the facts, Yail. W is gone, and W has been gone. W has every right to live her life, and you have been living yours. I have been spending most all of my free time daydreaming about another woman. Do I really think I'm in any way acting better than W?
Sure, I'm doing this as emotional protection. It's a defense, and it's a distraction. I'm fully aware of this. I don't actually want this other woman. But this other woman I'm coveting is not my W. And right now, that's okay. But I can't blame W for wanting something different when here I am doing the same.
Maybe it's not exactly the same. But I'm trying so hard to release her. It has been 9 months since she asked for the D and some days I'm just as broken as that first day.
I told a coworker about my crush. I needed to. I needed to ramp up the "feelings" I have for the crush, and nothing makes you more excited than when you share a secret with someone. The feelings were waning because she's not my W, and she's not someone I'm actually wanting a R or anything with. But pretending I do - staying in a fantasy land where I crush on her - it helps. So I told my coworker which brought me back to feeling all giddy as only a crush does.
W & I had a couple emails back and forth about logistics. I kept mine more conversational than I had been recently. I'm trying to not be as short and snippy as I'm feeling. Asked some logistical questions. She responded in a similar tone - less brief than before, more conversational. I hated it. I don't know why. It just seemed too much like she is okay with moving forward.
I don't want her in the house tomorrow. I don't want her in my space. But it's her house, and she is doing all of the work for this house to be sold, which is necessary. So I have no right to ask her not to be here when she is calmly and clearly taking steps forward in a respectful manner.
Grief is no joke. How can I be mourning something I don't even want anymore?
(((Yail))). You have such wonderful insights and amazing advice for others on here. Like you well know...this is a process with lots of forward and backward steps. You are still miles ahead of where you were when all this began. Sending you lots of healing energy and (((HUGS))).
I've been thinking a lot about that last sentence I wrote. How can I be mourning something I don't even want any more?
I've been sad and mourning about a future I thought I had. Things that haven't been real for a bit. But I don't actually want her now that I'm envisioning a different future. I'm in transition with this feeling, so I still waiver back and forth. She will always be my W, but I really cannot live with her in my life now.
W is here arranging the house for staging/sale. Her friend is with her helping. I'm just so annoyed. So typical W. We disagree on how things should go, and she's pulling out plants and weeding things that I wanted to stay. I'm ignoring it, because this really won't be my house for long and it's ultimately her sale. If she thinks some sterile house with no life in it will attract buyers she can go ahead with that. But folks here want gardens - not lawn.
She took the grill which REALLY bugged me, because I had planned to use it for parties. Deep breath. It doesn't matter, it's just a "thing". Just got to get through this. She did apologize for taking it without asking. It wasn't intentional.
I've been thinking about the cutie I have a crush on. And while long term she is not someone viable for me, just seeing a different personality type is really eye opening. How I might interact differently with someone who respects my autonomy. Who has their own.
W is making assumptions about who I am as she always has. "Yail, if I put in some flowers in this planter will you water them and be able to keep them alive?" REALLY wanted to say "F- you". I've been gardening all summer and the house looks [censored] great. But just neutrally said, "sure thing". She still thinks I'm this helpless princess who can't do anything for herself and I'm seeing today just SO clearly that she has felt that way for a long time.
We are okay with each other communication wise. She's being mildly/politely conversational. She is okay. No hurt, just wants to get her life going in new place and to stop coming back here. I am being the same. I just want her out of my space.
My transition living situation will likely be yucky, and I'll just have to power through that and keep my future farmhouse in my minds eye. Keep working hard. Maybe get a second job, and build my life and my physical space into something I want for myself.
For a while I wanted to keep this house so I could have people over and parties. Now I don't - I want to wait until I have MY space for people to come over. Drinks late into the night, card games, fires in the back and lots of laughter. I'm going to be building my tribe of people that I never had and I'm so excited.
I'm going to a music festival this afternoon. I'm desperately hoping that the cutie I know is there. Soooo want to see her in a social situation. She's more flirty with a beer in hand. While it is logically "not a good idea" for me to pursue this, my good friend made a comment to me a few weeks ago. "Yail - you need to stop being pursued. You need to be the pursuer". It's amazing how this applies to both romance and my every day life.
So now I'm pursuing my life. My loves. My passions. I have a little smirk in my mind's-eye. Life is full of adventure and I'm wanting to pounce on it. And the next time I have a crush on someone and I get an "okay" signal, maybe I'll be the one to make the first move. How thrilling!
