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A Message from Michele
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Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2853770
06/20/19 02:25 AM
06/20/19 02:25 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 206
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MLCxH Offline
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Originally Posted by DaveK
Divorce papers filed. Life is not over, time to move on.


In my opinion I only consider divorce to be the dissolution of the legal social contract. My sitch would have not been much different if W had moved out without a D. I found that the D actually helped me detach better.

Hang in there

Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2853771
06/20/19 03:23 AM
06/20/19 03:23 AM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 403
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Adam04 Offline
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Adam04  Offline
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DaveK,

It's good to hear you are GAL. I know your two boys mean so much to you. Remember they are going through this just as much as you are even though they may express other feelings and emotions to you.

I am sorry to hear of your latest news but the way you have been spiraling downward while you are GAL causes me to feel you will be so much better off without her.

I encourage you to keep learning and growing and taking care of yourself. Sounds like you got a good support group out there and also that you are great support to others.

You're a good guy Dave. Keep living and love life with your boys. If there is one thing, if your boys are begging and pleading and want you two to be civil, I'd take that into consideration. What in the next year or two if your boys want to celebrate a holiday with everyone together or to be cordial in the same room. Would you not do that for them and put your feelings aside?

Chin up and don't stop the self improvements.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2854073
06/22/19 01:10 PM
06/22/19 01:10 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
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DaveK Offline OP
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DaveK  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
She filed them...I didn't want the divorce and still think it is a ridiculously stupid idea, but it is out of my control. She wants 30k over 10 years and the car...and the InstaPot. Kids stay with me, I get the house and everything in it. She doesn't even want anything from my IRA, 401k, company stock. Not sure if I should take that as an insult or not.
Still talking to her bf in India. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, so I think W just uses him because he was an easy victim. He feels bad for breaking up my family and I truly believe him. It's her who ....I don't even know how to describe it.
Anyway, I will be at my best for her. She may not deserve it, but I would not feel right to do it any other way. So I will take her out for dinner for her birthday and to the pub after. Her bf highly recommended to take her to an Indian restaurant, there is a decent one downtown. He also told me that she always talks about getting a guinea pig, so I will get her a gift card for the pet store. When she moves out she can get one and have some company, should be not a problem in most places she will move to. I know I can't buy her back and that is not my motivation at all. I want to give her the respect and decency she lacks giving me.

Ran out of coffee this morning. She was not happy and drove to the store to get more. At least now there is a plausible reason for divorce.


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2854555
06/26/19 04:39 AM
06/26/19 04:39 AM
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Posts: 2,530
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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ovrrnbw  Offline
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Dave,

Stand up and take back your dignity. Your W can't have a BF bc she is married! Apparently you need the reminder as much as her. Quit talking to the scumbag OM. Block him. Don't take your WW out for dinner. Don't buy her a gift. Instead go GAL so that you can feel better and be happy in your own life. Your update reeks of defeat and I can't stand it. So pick up the pieces and get back on track.

And accept her ridiculously stupid offer ASAP.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2855000
06/28/19 04:00 AM
06/28/19 04:00 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
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DaveK Offline OP
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DaveK  Offline OP
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ovrrnbw - You may consider it defeat, but I don't see it that way. I really don't care anymore what W does. Wasn't one of the objectives to detach? I think I detached as much as possible. "No, you didn't!" you might say. Why buy her gifts? Not because I think I can buy her back or that I want to impress her or any of that nonsense. It is purely selfish because it makes me happy.

As far as OM goes....after talking to him for a while it becomes apparent that he is as much a victim as I am. I'm convinced that W will not move in with him or move to India. He's a distraction from her from her own issues. She constantly asks each of us to block the other, but we won't do it.
It is not that he stole W. He is young, he is dumb, mom does everything for him, dad fixes things when he messes up....along comes a pretty woman who makes his head spin and tells him that being with her is totally OK, not only that, a white American woman with long blonde hair, the beauty ideal of Indian men. I get it, it was too tempting to say no and walk away. His naivety did him in and he starts to realize it. He also starts to realize that I am not that despicable monster that I was presented as. Today he told me that he used to drink a lot and got very violent. He almost shot two people, he beat up a police officer, he lost a ton of money gambling, and went to jail for half a year for illegal gambling. I don't know if he made that stuff up, but it either is true, or he really is that whacked that he thinks that impresses people. I know that he still drinks quite a bit. He seems to think to make up for it by going to temple every day. His English is rather limited, so having a deeper conversation with him isn't possible. IMHO he has loser written all over him and W's interest was just perfect to brag to his friends.

I think me talking to him makes W extremely jealous.And him not wanting to stop talking to me really pisses W off to no end. He keeps telling me that W loves me, but I don't believe that for a second. If it wasn't him it would have been some other poor shmuck. It really is not him, it is all her.

I have reached a point where I don't think there is a way back. A couple months ago there would have been, but I grew tired of W come home, do FB, drink beer, go to bed, get up, do FB, drink coffee, go to work...rinse and repeat. She doesn't do [censored] around the house, doesn't do much with the kids, just remains her selfish self, shell of her former self.

I am getting a life, I get out of the house, there is hardly a weekend where I do not meet up with someone, I plan on visiting friends who live a bit further away, but I can make it there and back in a day. I picked up writing again, go to play board games once a week and are considered a regular and get invited to parties, I go out for a beer with coworkers, picked up geocaching as a new hobby, have plenty to do with my stamp collection, made S17 very happy by letting him use my base guitar and getting him some effect pedals, S13 gets a full bedroom makeover with new wall paint, new loft bed, and eventually new lighting, garden is doing well, and I get to help people. I did many things for my new friends. Some just want someone to hang out with, some need someone to talk to, a few needed money, one needs a motivator to get life back on the right track.

My original intent was to save my marriage. I think I tried it any which way until I found a way that I won't regret of going. I put everything I have out there, I gave everything I have. If that is not enough then I can't help it. In the end it does take two and if one doesn't want it no matter what I can't do much about it. So we split up. I could sit and wait for her to change her mind, but how long would I have to wait? A year? Two years? Longer? I don't have the emotional and mental energy to keep the pause button pressed. Do I really want to be with someone who did the worst thing to me that I can imagine and doesn't even feel bad about it? I can't touch her, I can't talk to her, in her view I can't do anything right. Even if she comes around, so I want to be with someone who I can't fully trust? Can I live with the fear of some word or action setting off the same reaction again?
W will always have a place in my heart. She is the mother of my children and she made me very happy for half of my life.But she made damn sure that the last spark of love for her is gone, she stomped on it long enough to kill it. I will never understand why. I am sure it has to do with her depression. This behavior is very common for a depressed spouse, but being depressed doesn't excuse being a total jerk.I'm not angry, not desperate, just sad that it ended this way.

I did meet someone. She has a massive crush on me. We went bowling and I took her out for dinner, but halfway into dinner we kinda ran out of things to talk about. She kept hugging and kissing me and I didn't feel anything. We still talk online, but I haven't met her again. She is a nice person, but there was absolutely nothing. I did learn from it that I am apparently ready to move on, but don't really want to as long as I am married. I didn't expect that she goes all in like that and maybe it was far too early. I don't know. It starts to get annoying that she keeps hitting on me hard.
One of my good friends happens to be female, but we just hang out. We either go geocaching or to the biergarten to watch soccer. She never mentioned anything other than that I should stop being nice to her. I really don't do anything different than with my other friends. Once she had at least one too many and she gave me a 10 minute hug. That was weird and she kept apologizing for it for a week. I don't know, maybe she is too afraid to say something, wondering if that would end the friendship. She introduced me to her bff. I never met someone and hit it off that quickly. He is a tech nerd and has the perfect style of dry humor that makes me laugh. His name happens to be Phil, same name as my buddy from work. In conversation we always have to clarify which Phil we mean. Similar in the board game group with three Davids.

Honestly, I am quite happy. I got some really good friends and I found a way to bring joy to my life. That marriage and divorce stuff...I stopped obsessing about it. Being alone with the sons will be a challenge, but I grew up a lot the past half year. Uh, and that promotion at work, that is likely to happen within the next two months. Knowing where I was half a year ago, I think I did quite well. Didn't all work as intended, but most of it did. And getting control over my own depression had a lot to do with it. As far as W is concerned, she has the divorce papers ready. I have to ask her if she filed them already. I have no control over what she does and the agreement we came to is rather reasonable and doesn't put a huge burden on me. There is no crisis, no defeat, or anything. I may have given up, but it is more accepting reality.


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2876831
12/19/19 05:28 PM
12/19/19 05:28 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,530
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Hope you're doing well Dave. Merry Christmas.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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