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Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2852178
06/07/19 10:50 PM
06/07/19 10:50 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
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DaveK Offline OP
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DaveK  Offline OP
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Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
ovrrnbw - Thanks for your response. As far as the card goes, I bought it for my sons to give to their mom. It sounds like a technicality, but for me there is a difference. Either way, I know that she doesn't deserve things, but in some cases it makes me happy. That is also my selfish motivation with helping others. It makes me happy. If someone else has a less shitty day because of it even better.


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2852214
06/08/19 12:23 PM
06/08/19 12:23 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
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DaveK Offline OP
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DaveK  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
...as far as advice goes. I am sure that it is solid advice. Going dark and taking full control of finances rather backfired. Maybe I did it wrong, but especially staying as distant as possible made me miserable. It is not my nature and it brought a tension at home that had a negative impact on the relationship with my sons. I don't by any means want to give the impression that I think I was set up for failure here, definitely not. It just didn't work out under the circumstances. Now that I get to talk to many people with depressed spouses I see that most face the exact same issues. Their spouses are in a different reality and no matter what they do for them, it is never good enough. None of us has found a means to foster positive change. What I and others really need is advice on how to go about someone who is unable to make rational decisions, is not swayed by reason, and does not register a difference in treatment of them, no matter what it is. I think that is why the suggested path of action didn't work out.
I talk a lot to W's dad and even he says that I have done everything under the sun that was possible, that I showed remorse, and made changes based on what W told me. He thinks she needs a kick in the pants and be forced to make a decision. It is a very difficult thing to do, but anything is better than the way it is now.


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2852218
06/08/19 12:54 PM
06/08/19 12:54 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 199
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Destroyd Offline
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Destroyd  Offline
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DaveK,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I feel my wife is depressed, and I can't get her to realize it. She is overwhelmed by everything in life. But in her mind, she a absolutely okay. In fact, "she is the only adult in the relationship."


M: 22, T: 27
Three Children
BD: 12/15/18
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2852220
06/08/19 12:56 PM
06/08/19 12:56 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,212
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Posts: 8,212
Dave we get this a lot. Here is the problem. DBing isn't something you do to gauge your W's response. It is something you become. You have no control over her, and anything you do to try to manipulate her is still trying to control. DBing is about focusing on you. Giving her the space she asked for to figure it her stuff, and becoming a mysterious alpha male that will eventually appear attractive again.

If your sons were upset with you it sounds like maybe you misunderstood. Many LBSs think detachment means ignoring their WAS. It doesn't. Quite the opposite, actually. It just means you don't react emotionally to what they say and do.. She could come to you and tell you she had a gangbang with 100 guys. And it would roll of your back like water off a duck. Detachment is about finding happiness internally, not externally. It is being present, pleased, upbeat. It replaced the mopiness, sadness, woe is me that most LBSs become after BD, and that most WASs expect from their LBS.

So if you too the advice here about GAL, 180ing, and detachment, and then constantly were taking your W's temperature to gauge reaction, then you were doing it wrong.

We have a saying around here, it always gets worse before it gets better. Nothing worthwhile is without pain. There is no magic bullet; "say or do this and this will happen". It unfortunately doesn't work that way. Even DBing isn't fail proof. Your wife could still walkaway. But DBing will help you save yourself.... And sometimes that will have an affect for the positive on your WAS.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2852221
06/08/19 01:02 PM
06/08/19 01:02 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,212
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Posts: 8,212
Oh, one last thing. Believe nothing they say and half of what they do extends to OP too. Often times OP will play the victim;"she told me her marriage was ending anyway!" They are cheaters, which means they lie. Even if you told him to go away, likely they would just take things to an even more discreet level. The bottom line is you still have no control.

Last edited by Steve85; 06/08/19 01:03 PM.

M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: Destroyd] #2852472
06/10/19 11:41 PM
06/10/19 11:41 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
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DaveK Offline OP
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DaveK  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
Destroyd - yep, everything is my fault and she only "takes care of her feelings the first time in her life". I had enough of this and I helped her over the weekend to get the paperwork done. There is one last bit of information I inquired about and then she will file for divorce under the agreed upon terms. I made it a condition that she has to move out before the end of the year.

Now to something absolutely bizarre....her bf won't stop chatting with me. It's not about her or me, it is about cricket mostly and that India is just a friggin hot place temperaturewise. Until yesterday when he begged me to videochat with him. So I did. He was piss drunk, he invited me to India, he kinda hit on me just to explain right after that he is not gay. That he doesn't want to break up my family and blah blah blah. I find this all only hilarious. I'm happy that I can care less, I no longer feel any anger or desperation, no pain...and sadly I feel absolutely nothing when I look at my wife.

Met today someone who I know for a long time has a total crush on me. It was just for a minute and her mom and daughter were with her. They were around where I work and I said she can swing by. So she did. She almost didn't let go of me. I like her, but maybe this is all too fresh or online and a minute live in a parking lot just isn't enough. I wasn't swept off my feet, but it did put a smile on my face for the rest of the day. She did call off our "date" on Saturday. She said one of her rules in life is to never go out with a married man. I know she was dying to go out with me, but she put her values and ideals above her desire and I find that quite impressive.

I found new friends, I know of people who respect me, some adore me...and the other way around. I met people who have a really shitty life, but have hearts of angels. They talk to me because they want to talk to me, they understand I need someone. They taught me a lot and pushed me off my apparently high horse. I never had to worry about getting my clothes washed or had to hit all the food pantries in a 20 mile radius to get by. I never had to sleep on the floor or reschedule doc appointments so that I have enough gas in the car to see my kid on the weekend. That friend has a unique humor and the fabulous talent of making me laugh even when I am totally destroyed and a sobbing mess. I sent her some money so that she can buy a mattress so that she no longer has to sleep on the floor. She didn't, she paid her mom's Life Alert bill so that she didn't have to overdraft her account, she got the favorite snacks and juice for her daughter who she sees only on weekends so that they can go to the park and have a picnic.She could have said, that's for me, but she didn't. That's love and it is beautiful.

I still love my wife and I still wish she would change her mind. There isn't anything more that I can do. I let her go and do her own thing, whatever that is. I take care of the kids and make sure that they get what they need and more. I won't put my life on hold for the small chance of her asking to come back. I showed her that I regret what happened and that I can do better.I put everything I had into it and if that is not enough then so be it. I am worried that she ends up in a worse spot than she was, but I have no control and she has all the right to make ridiculously stupid decisions.


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2852474
06/10/19 11:49 PM
06/10/19 11:49 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
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DaveK Offline OP
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DaveK  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
Steve85 - It is well possible that I didn't convert into action what was given in advice here. Maybe my expectations of anything happening were too high. I also didn't mean at all that the advice was bad, it didn't work out for this case. So yes, there is no magic bullet or a recipe to success.
I'm at peace with myself and whatever happens. I found new purposes in life and they bring me a lot of joy. And I get the reward for it right away. Never before did someone write this to me: "You are an incredible person and please donít under-value yourself... the past is the past... you donít live there anymore... you can only live in the present and damn, what a wonderful way youíre doing it! Be proud of the changes you have made to become the man you are today... not everyone gets to be my favorite German Potato"
If my wife doesn't wants to have a piece of that potato then I can't help her. smile


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2853607
06/19/19 12:13 AM
06/19/19 12:13 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
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DaveK Offline OP
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DaveK  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
Divorce papers filed. Life is not over, time to move on.


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2853654
06/19/19 01:40 PM
06/19/19 01:40 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
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Davide Offline
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Davide  Offline
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Hang in there! Things will get better once you are able to put this in the past.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2853728
06/19/19 07:58 PM
06/19/19 07:58 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,530
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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ovrrnbw  Offline
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Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,530
Missouruh
Originally Posted by DaveK
Divorce papers filed. Life is not over, time to move on.

Sorry to hear it Dave, did she file them or did you?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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