A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL JANUARY OFFER -- SAVE $60
THREE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE COACHING SESSION FOR ONLY $330

CALL 303-444-7004 or use code: SAVE_$60 in the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2849553
05/16/19 11:29 PM
05/16/19 11:29 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
D
DaveK Offline OP
Member
DaveK  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
ovrrnbw - the card was for Mother's Day, so it was intended to be mainly from the kids. But they could not come up with anything, so I added my note.
I got tired about thinking on how to behave and what to do and plotting my next move. I am doing what I should have done all along and I draw joy from doing nice things not only for my wife, but for everyone. I bought S17's SSD so that he had money to get an even better one. A few weeks back I saw that on the side of the road someone gave away a TV and Blue Ray player. So I grabbed that for S17. S13 no longer likes his SpongeBob themed room, so I will give it a complete makeover. My new friend is extremely shy and socially awkward (her words), so I try to coax her into being around people and meeting me. I help out others at work. Yesterday I helped one coworker so that she wouldn't fall behind two days on her project. It didn't take much for me to help out and I see no reason to not have her succeed. She was so happy that she messaged me "I love you". I know that it was only meant as a thanks for helping her....although I do have a crush on her, hehe.
As far as doing nice things for W and all the work around the house...I see it in two ways. Either W likes what she sees and wants to keep that, or she doesn't. I get to get accustomed to juggling all the chores, which might be impressive to a new partner, but more so it will become utter necessity when W leaves. As a single dad I have no choice. I really don't care if it might enable her or endorse something or whatever. I bring her a cup of coffee and she says thank you and that makes ME happy. I don't give a damn if it makes her happy. There is also another aspect to it. She will live here for time to come for at least economical reasons. She is the mom of my sons and they have a right to be living in a home that isn't a toxic environment.
The only thing that I cannot and will not do under the current circumstances is start something myself. Sure, would be nice, but I wouldn't be able to bring her home and it would be grossly unfair to any woman to be thrown into such a situation. I also think it is morally wrong. I am still married, I gave my vows, and I will stick to my promise. Just because W thinks otherwise doesn't mean it is the right thing to do.

Of course, there are these moments when I wish she would be laying next to me or give me a hug. But it is no longer that it absolutely, totally, exclusively has to be her. She is kinda just there and for the most part she doesn't intentionally trigger my discomfort. Yea, not to keen on seeing her with the bracelets and the 1960s India flower power necklaces with the symbols on it that could mean peace, soup, or dill pickle. I no longer get instantly angry and emotional over this. I credit the antidepressants for that.

Or taking S13 to the doctor and soon to a specialist and to the optometrist as well....sure, maybe one could see that as doing W favors and engaging, but at the core it is something I want to do for my son. I want to be a decent person and stop obsessing about rescuing my marriage. Yes, I'd like that, but I really don't have much control over things other than what I do. At some point something will happen and I know that at some point W will question if her actions were the right ones. Would be nice if she comes to that conclusion before I moved on with my life, but that is stuff that didn't happen yet, so why think a lot about it.
I still do my things, such as going to a cookout from a local social group. It used to be a singles group, but so many got married by meeting someone in that rather large group that the organizers felt that they rather change the purpose of the group than tell those folks to get out. It will be a challenge for me, going somewhere I never was before and talking to people I never met before. I want to do more of that stuff, because I am horrible at this. Life is good, except for the loneliness.


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2849869
05/20/19 01:58 AM
05/20/19 01:58 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
D
DaveK Offline OP
Member
DaveK  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
Today W brought the topic of divorce up again. I told her that I don't want that, but I had enough of this [censored]. If she wants to go, then go...get out of my life and please, never come back. Never was so disappointed by someone. It is so utterly senseless. I will never understand why she does what she does. It does not improve anything, but makes all of us miserable, including her. I feel as if I tried everything that I could, she is hellbent on getting away from her family. There is no point in anyone talking to her. I told her that I probably will ask her to never contact me, write me, call me, message me, and avoid being in the same place as much as possible. I don't want to have any recollections of the biggest disappointment of my life. I will never understand why she destroys the lives of her entire family. One thing I know for sure, the grass is not greener on the other side.

Thanks for everyone who gave advice and wanted to help. I appreciate it. This thing is over.


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2849873
05/20/19 02:31 AM
05/20/19 02:31 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 90
S
SoloFlex Offline
Member
SoloFlex  Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 90
Hi DaveK,

Sorry you're having such a rough time. She can only hurt you because you care, and that shows you're a good husband and a good person.

I can only imagine what it's like to be at the end of your rope, it sure sounds like it.
I'm wondering.... isn't this what's needed? I'm not talking about the D, I mean letting her go completely to burn herself out?
Just because she's saying D doesn't mean she'll go thru with it. So she walks away for awhile (no contact) and then has to struggle with the actual D papers. Saying and doing are two different things.

-SoloFlex

Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2850038
05/21/19 02:14 AM
05/21/19 02:14 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
D
DaveK Offline OP
Member
DaveK  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
SoloFlex...thanks for writing. Maybe this is what needs to happen, but me clinging on to a faint idea only hurts me. Today she told me that she wants to move out...but spend as much time as possible here to be with the kids. If she moves out, she moves out. The kids can go and visit her any time. I even drop them off and pick them up, but I don't want her in this house anymore.My limits are far and wide, I just took a lot of crap, endured a lot of pain. I do have my limits.
She wants 30k in exchange for everything. Maybe that is fair, but I told her that I cannot pay that in a lump sum nor over 5 years. So now she said it is ok to give her 250 per month over ten years. I go for that, at least it doesn't drain my resources that much.

She said she doesn't hate me. I asked her then why does she put me through so much pain? I asked her why she went to this extreme? If that is not utter disgust, blatant hate, absolute loathing...then what is it? She got upset that I for some time almost cut her off financially, that I took her name off all insurances, 401k, IRA. She asked why I distrust her. I told her that she was the first to betray trust. She tossed me away like a broken toy.

I can't even be angry or mad about it anymore...maybe it is the psych drugs, but maybe it is because all this is so ridiculously stupid. I told her that she should move out now if that makes her happy. She says it doesn't make her happy.

Maybe it is better if she just leaves. I don't know how she could afford living on her own after a divorce. The 250 bucks a month extra are groceries, if that. Her car is almost paid off and I have no problem with signing it over to her. So she has to get car insurance, she has to get some sort of health insurance (her current job through a temp agency does not have that), she will have to pay for her school loan on her own. And forget her getting another decent credit card with that little income. She is about to commit financial suicide, but I guess he is that fogged up that she doesn't get that.

I'm tired, mentally and physically. I can't sleep, I have constant tinnitus, and my left foot and leg hurt all the time. I'm just tired, tired of it all. And what for? I know it is pointless to keep asking that question, but it is so baffling and mind boggling that it is almost fascinating how idiotic this all is.

I guess I'll figure stuff out as a single dad. My sons will be taken care of, S17 goes to college across town in September. They both a great kids despite the challenges they face. Especially S17 and his gender identity problem. Right now when he needs his parents the most to get through this really difficult time in his young life, W decides to go off the rails. And then she claims she loves her kids. Seriously? You turn your back on them when they need you the most and that is what you call "love"? For the 17 years she is a mom, she did everything for them. Up until last July there was not a better mom my sons could have wished for. What the hell happened to her? Yesterday she even said herself that all this is going against her own values and beliefs. Today she tells me that she does not know why she does this. And tomorrow it will be another story that makes absolutely no sense.

My sons notice right away when I am crushed. I didn't tell them what W told me. I only told them that W will tell them. In no way will I be the bearer of the bad news. She can explain to her sons why she is leaving.

Am I crazy? Unreasonable? Off my rocker for thinking that this is moronically stupid to the nth degree? Whatever, I have no control over what she does....and it seems that she doesn't either.


I close with something positive. On Saturday I was out to a cookout of a local social group (used to be a singles group until so many of them got married). My new friend Renee was there as well and she brought her life long friend Phil. Phil is awesome, rarely do I hit it off with someone so well and so easily. Phil is big into geocaching. I heard of it, but didn't really know what it was until we went for a short hike to find a geocache nearby. Today I tried to find two that are near my work, but I didn't find them. Tonight I brought the kids to drama club and across the street there were two geocaches hidden. I had more luck this time and found them both. It is like easter egg hunting and equally satisfying. And nice to see that nobody is mean and ruins it for everyone. Unspoken respect, hard to find these days.
Finding the geocaches put a smile on my face. I would have never thought that I'd find interest in this, but I did.

I likely will go out on Monday with my new friends to find more geocaches. And yea, probably stop somewhere and have a beer. I asked S13 if he wants to come along, he is interested. Might be a nice change for him as well.


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2850080
05/21/19 12:41 PM
05/21/19 12:41 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,140
A
AnotherStander Offline
Member
AnotherStander  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,140
Originally Posted by DaveK
Today she told me that she wants to move out...but spend as much time as possible here to be with the kids. If she moves out, she moves out. The kids can go and visit her any time. I even drop them off and pick them up, but I don't want her in this house anymore.


Did you tell her this or just think it? I would go ahead and set a boundary now that once she moves out she won't be just swinging by any ol' time to hang out and play family. Don't be mean or angry about it but just state that you wanted to make it clear with her that there will not be an open-door policy.

Quote
She said she doesn't hate me. I asked her then why does she put me through so much pain? I asked her why she went to this extreme? If that is not utter disgust, blatant hate, absolute loathing...then what is it?


WAS's feel desperate to get out of what they perceive as a terrible marriage. It's not anger or hate or loathing, it's "I can't do this anymore, I need out." Often the M isn't bad at all, but that is their PERCEPTION. That perception of the M and the LBS can and will change with time.

Quote
I don't know how she could afford living on her own after a divorce. The 250 bucks a month extra are groceries, if that. Her car is almost paid off and I have no problem with signing it over to her. So she has to get car insurance, she has to get some sort of health insurance (her current job through a temp agency does not have that), she will have to pay for her school loan on her own. And forget her getting another decent credit card with that little income. She is about to commit financial suicide, but I guess he is that fogged up that she doesn't get that.


That's her journey to make. She might surprise you. My XW was terrible with finances while we were married, but she's done quite well since D. I'm not really sure how, but I don't wish any ill will on her so I'm happy to see her doing well.

Quote
I'm just tired, tired of it all. And what for? I know it is pointless to keep asking that question, but it is so baffling and mind boggling that it is almost fascinating how idiotic this all is.


Just try to get all this poison out of your system and get about the business of Dave 2.0. Make an awesome new life for yourself and quit dwelling over this. It happens, wives often go rogue and the reasons are rarely clear. You can be bitter and angry about it and live a miserable existence or you can accept it and move on to a new life, maybe even a better life. I know it's painful (believe me I know), but the best way forward is to let go of the pain and anger and frustration and focus on you and the kids.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2851004
05/30/19 01:54 AM
05/30/19 01:54 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
D
DaveK Offline OP
Member
DaveK  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
Well....that's it. She is filing papers and each time I talk to the kids they tell her and then she tells me about things that got lost in translation...and she is really only a shell occupying space. I did tell her that the only way I see to get past this is to not see her, talk to her, message, or anything that goes beyond what is necessary for the welfare of our sons.
The kids absolutely hate that idea....so it's off the table. If she wants to hang out downstairs with the kids, so be it if that makes them happy. I don't want her to come up here where kitchen and living room are, will see how that plays out. Worst case I have to put a lock on the door for upstairs.
I'm tired and I just want this all be over. I tried everything I could, even things that I absolutely hated. I mentioned again that we should consider making things work, but she has zero interest in it. She says there are too many things I did to her that she just cannot have any feelings for me anymore. Those things are mostly petty stuff. Yesterday she cited her first Mother's Day where I got her only a card rather than have a huge party. I didn't know that her family was that big into celebrating things like that, mine wasn't. My mom didn't get anything for Mother's Day until my brother and I were old enough to draw a picture or sth like that. My dad had never anything to do with it. If it really bothered her that much she should have said something. Her view on all these things are that she didn't think she should ask for things, that I should have done it on my own account. She should just had freaking said something, made a scene, get really pissed off. Maybe other men are different, but I need a big waving of the flag pole, not just some nonverbal cues for a few seconds. She did once, well, it was rather extreme, she got drunk and laid in the snow outside face down. I had mandatory overtime at work and she thought that I preferred to be at work than spend time with her and the kids. S17 was 9 at the time and he called 911. The medics called me at work, which was lucky because I saw the call come in and ripped the receiver off hook because after 6PM the phone system sends everything straight to voice mail. I went home immediately, next day I told my boss I can't do the overtime. I told her why and she sent me home for the rest of the day. I no longer had to stay until 10PM in the office after that.

I'm done with this and want it to be over as soon as possible. I try to work with her to get this done without mediators and lawyers and court dates. We set up an agreement and then go to a notary public to sign it there and have it notarized. It is as much protection for her as it is for me. Otherwise any one of us could alter the agreement and claim that is what was signed. Not that I expect that we would ever do that, but none of us knows in which dire straits we might get.

Sad thing is, I want to stay married to her, my sons don't want her to divorce me, none of us wants her to move out...but she just doesn't want to change paths. Well, so be it. I'm sorry that I let her down, but that she sees absolutely nothing wrong with cheating on me is a deal breaker. Until that changes we are probably better off apart.

It's rough...only the drugs keep me somewhat calm, but at times even that is not enough. I can't take anymore. There is some good coming from it. I make new friends and since my wife does not want my love anymore I have plenty of it to give away to others. Learned that my new friend Andrea is sleeping on a borrowed, self-deflating air mattress and in the same apartment as her mom and daughter. She has fibromyalgia and deals with enough pain already. She cannot work and depends on food pantry handouts. I got her a mattress so that she no longer has back aches after each night. No idea why the nicest people get hit so hard. I wish I could do more for her.
My other friend Annmarie has MS, we talk every day and her spirit carries me through the hard days. And then there is the special ed teacher from Long Island who I chat with since almost a year. She has schiziophrenia, but also a heart of gold. Helping out many coworkers, one sent me an "I love you", the other invited me for lunch last Friday. And then there is Tammy who months ago blocked me for reasons I don't knoiw, but she reached out and we kinda hit it off online (which means not much in real life). She was married to a guy from India who came to the US and once his 2 years were up he took his stuff and moved to NYC. He divorced her, remarried, and has his well-doing business in his new wife's name so that he can claim to be piss poor to not pay child support. Tammy had to move in with her mom. So that her daughter has her own room, she sleeps in the same bed as her mom. Heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time that family pulls together. And I hang out once in a while with Renee and her bff Phil. Went geocaching on Monday and I brought S13 along.

It is a good reminder that my life is still damn good. I never had to move back in with family, never had to go to the food pantry, and never had to sleep on the floor.
In case you wonder...Renee and I are only friends. She is fun to hang out with, watch soccer, and hit the bar, but I have no romantic feelings for her, I think it is mutual. We highly respect each other.
The other three....hmmm....time will tell. Then again, I think I should wait a while after divorce to think about these things. Right after I fear would be too much of "I want a replacement now", I wonder if my affection could be genuine. Especially when very faint in the back of my head I still have hopes for Wendy to change her mind...but I can't wait for that.

Makes me happy to have so many great friends and coworkers.Maybe I am not that bad of a person as I believed.


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2851069
05/30/19 03:42 PM
05/30/19 03:42 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,140
A
AnotherStander Offline
Member
AnotherStander  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,140
Originally Posted by DaveK
I did tell her that the only way I see to get past this is to not see her, talk to her, message, or anything that goes beyond what is necessary for the welfare of our sons.


ACTIONS, not WORDS. Just do it. You don't have to announce it to her.

Quote
I'm tired and I just want this all be over.


I understand that sentiment, but there is no easy exit, there is no "ripping the band-aid off". Separation won't bring you relief. Divorce won't bring you relief. Only TIME will.

Quote
I tried everything I could


You haven't tried the most important technique of all- PATIENCE. Quit trying tricks to get her back. Pull back and give her time and space. Do what you said above, stick to business-only with your contact with her.

Quote
I mentioned again that we should consider making things work, but she has zero interest in it.


Of course not, not now. You're being too impatient and every time you say stuff like this you're applying pressure at a time she wants zero pressure.

Quote
She says there are too many things I did to her that she just cannot have any feelings for me anymore. Those things are mostly petty stuff.


Here's an area you need to do a 180 on. Those things that seem "petty" to you may be a very big deal to her. So if you just blow them off then you are trampling on her feelings. LISTEN. VALIDATE.

Quote
Yesterday she cited her first Mother's Day where I got her only a card rather than have a huge party. I didn't know that her family was that big into celebrating things like that, mine wasn't. My mom didn't get anything for Mother's Day until my brother and I were old enough to draw a picture or sth like that. My dad had never anything to do with it. If it really bothered her that much she should have said something.


You got her a card for Mother's Day and that is it? REALLY? And you think this is her being petty? Wow. Look, you really dropped the ball here and now you are trying to blame HER for it. You need to take a good, hard look at yourself through HER eyes. This is an example of being a poor husband. I'm actually embarrassed for you that all you did was buy her a card and now you are being haughty about it insisting that she should have told you if she wanted more than a card! Can you really not see how WRONG you are here?

Quote
Her view on all these things are that she didn't think she should ask for things, that I should have done it on my own account.


She is right.

Quote
She should just had freaking said something, made a scene, get really pissed off. Maybe other men are different, but I need a big waving of the flag pole, not just some nonverbal cues for a few seconds.


She needs to teach you how to be a caring husband? Is that actually your view?

Quote
I'm done with this and want it to be over as soon as possible.


Then you are doomed to repeat your mistakes. You need to take some time to OWN what you did wrong in the M, to work on your faults and become the best H possible whether that be for your current W or the next one.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: AnotherStander] #2851320
06/01/19 03:46 AM
06/01/19 03:46 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
D
DaveK Offline OP
Member
DaveK  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
Hi AnotherStander - thanks for your reply.
Was a lousy card good enough? Of course it was not. But last Tuesday was the first time she brought this up...after 16 years. Growing up we didn't make a big deal out of holidays other than birthdays or Christmas. That wasn't out of ignorance or disrespect, but simply that we expressed gratitude in ways other than buying stuff and having big parties.
Not to turn that into a tit for tat...but I didn't even get a lousy card for my first father's day...or any father's day. My mom and my father in law send me cards, my wife and kids never did.

I never claimed to be a saint. I have screwed up plenty and I regret it a lot. In many cases I just didn't know any better. For example, working hard and at time more than the standard 40 hours. Every single dad I ever knew did that. Of course one can claim that all this is only excuses, but I see it more as that I just didn't know any better. It was not malicious, it wasn't that I loved work more than my wife, quite contrary. I made sure that I won't get laid off and it paid out at one time when we went down at work from 30 to 6 and I was one of the 6. Even my boss got canned.I have a hard time taking blame for that.

As far as speaking up....it's both ways. Often times she said "I can do it...", "I take the kids...", "I take care of it...". Even when I planned on doing things she told me not to do it, she will take care of it. For example, I took our cars for oil changes since we have them. So I told W once that I will need her car on Saturday morning for the oil change, just to let her know so that she doesn't make plans. She told me "Don't worry, I do it Monday". I was going there anyway for my car and the place is in walking distance. So I usually brought one car, walked back home, drove there with the other car, waited until the first car was done, drove back home, walked back to the shop, and got the second car. In the end it was that I "always" made her bring the car for oil changes.
Or my son joining a choir, rehearsals were on Saturday mornings. W:"I take him, he will love it." Yes, I admit that it probably should have come to mind to tell her that I take him once in a while. I offered that for other activities and each time it was "nah, I can do it, don't worry". All it would have taken her is to say "yes, thanks".
Or she mentioned that I never stayed home when she was sick. I have emails to my bosses stating otherwise, but when she was not feeling well I always asked her "Do you want me to stay home?" She never said yes. Her complaint is that I should not have asked, but just done it. It wasn't that I didn't care at all. All that it would have taken was a very simple word: "yes".

I admit that I was lazy with chores around the house other than things like taking care of the garden, trash, and the house itself. I get that, doing dishes or laundry would not have killed me. I was blind as far as that goes. I get it, it was wrong, I fixed that now. I do almost all laundry, take care of dishwasher, and do dishes as often as I can. I clean the bathrooms and vacuum. Once in a while I clean the windows and steam mop all floors. I cook Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays.

I see it as a give and take, demand and respond, and above all to forgive and forget each other's faults and flaws. That is what love means to me. And yes, saying what the heck you want. All it took was "I cook and you do the dishes tonight." I would not have taken that as bitchy or needy or anything. It is pointing out "I do this for you and you do that for me." In the end either one is for "us". Don't tell me "I do the dishes tomorrow" or "I really want to do the dishes now so that I don't have to look at them in the morning". And in most cases I dried and put stuff away

She claimed that sex was boring. When we knew we are seriously in this relationship she told me all the things she does not want me to do to her. There wasn't much left. She said this once and quite clearly... and I honored her wishes until she said she wants to try sth else. So we did that. I never missed anything, it was always like fireworks for me. I didn't even care that much about sex. My most satisfying moments were showering together. And I told her that. Or just sitting together closely, knowing that she is there, feeling that this is not a dream. The hug in the morning was always the best. I felt as if nothing could happen to me. I told her that many times.

So as much as I flopped on doing something without prodding she flopped on expressing what she wants, what she dislikes, what upset her. If she told me 16 years ago "What? All you get me is a [censored] card??" it would have rattled my foundations....and I would have never forgotten that. That is not teaching me on how to be a caring husband, it is shaping me to be a better person. The same thing my best friends tell me and I tell them.

I'm living for the first time, I am married for the first time, I am a dad for the first time (for the most part)....I am bound to make mistakes. Everybody does. We are not always perfect, at times far from it. At times we make the same mistakes a few times until it sinks in. I think that is OK, especially when there was an attempt, an effort made.

Patience...it's been a year and if anything things got worse.

=======

Yes, I am tired. This is going on for a year now. For months she announces she will file papers imminently and move out asap. So far I have not seen any papers and she is still here. I am tired of this situation. It pulls energy and strength out of me. I get 3 to 4 hours sleep each night . I am on the max dose of Wellbutrin and Lamotrigine. I just can't do this anymore. I fall asleep in meetings at work or at red lights when driving home. Once evening comes I am spent. I take the kids to all their appointments, dentist, pediatrist, specialist, optometrist, therapist. I do so much more than I ever did....for my marriage it doesn't do a thing. On top of that, the loneliness is killing me. I'm at the end of my rope and beyond that. I don't want a divorce, but signing the papers will be a relief.


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2851878
06/05/19 10:41 PM
06/05/19 10:41 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
D
DaveK Offline OP
Member
DaveK  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
As if things could not get any more messed up! Over half a year ago in a moment of rage I sent a two line FB message to OM to leave my wife alone and stop destroying our family. It was a rather dumb thing to do, but back then I was angry and blamed him for showing up in W's life. By now I understand that this was truly a pure coincidence.
I didn't see any response, and soon after deleted that conversation and had forgotten about it. Until this morning. OM messaged me back telling me he does not want W to get divorced and he does not want to destroy my family. At first I had no idea what he was talking about, but it took him half a year to see that message.

By now I think differently about a lot of things. It's not his fault that W is throwing herself at him. I told him that and I thanked him that he makes W happy. I truly think that and I know that he is a very good friend for W. His English is rather crappy, so I don't think he really got the message. I told him in various ways that it's not his fault, that he did not do anything wrong, that I have no complaints, and that it is ultimately W's decision as to what happens. I apologized for having sent that message. I told him several times that I was angry back then, but are no longer angry now, and especially not about him.
I really have no beef with that guy. I think he is rather immature and clueless (I didn't tell him that, of course!), but I don't think he is a bad person.I also don't think that he set out to be a homewrecker. As far as I am concerned, that settled it. He told me that he will watch the cricket game and I told him that I hope he has fun (I bet he did, India won big time).

So fast forward to this afternoon. I get a new message from him, with a screenshot of what I wrote eons ago. He asked me why I would write that and I only need to say something and he will go away. Sigh!

My car is in the body shop, but I had to bring S13 and myself to the dentist. So rather than take the bus and walk through half of downtown I asked W if I can have the car today. I gave her my bus pass and offered her to drive her in the morning so that she gets there at the usual time. When we sat in the car I told her what happened, because I rather have her hear it from me than from her bf. Not that surprisingly, I was too late and she already knew about everything. I offered her to read what I wrote him today, but she didn't want to. I bet she saw it almost as soon as I typed it.

So that was a rather bizarre encounter on what was a weird day altogether. When we were at the dentist the power went out, so they had to do the cleanings the old fashioned way. It was rather weird, the hygienist had to kneel down at one point to get to where she needed to go in my mouth. She always mentioned that she is doing this for 25 years (she looked like 30...not important) and I could notice because I didn't feel anything. It was rather pleasant.

I got two free tickets for a comedy show on Saturday. I offered W to join me, but she was indecisive which I take as a no. I know...don't pursue....but I really don't care about that any longer. For far too long I played a person that wasn't me. I want to be the caring guy that I should have been for a long time. I feel comfortable and happy that way.
I ask W again tomorrow. If she doesn't want to go I invite one of my friends who doesn't have money to go out. Drinks are on me, not that I'd drink much since I have to drive. I feel better, almost at peace and happy. I didn't feel like this for a very long time. It's scary. I don't even care anymore how messed up this whole thing is.

So what to do on a Wednesday night? I didn't feel like going to game night. W asked me if I wanted beer, so she bought us some. A weird ending of a weird day.


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression - part 3 [Re: DaveK] #2852121
06/07/19 03:54 PM
06/07/19 03:54 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,530
Missouruh
O
ovrrnbw Offline
Member
ovrrnbw  Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,530
Missouruh
Dave,

the OM does bear some fault in this ordeal, and I wouldn't say he's a good person at all.

I think you got some good advice, but I will dissent on the mother's day card. I don't believe in gifts for cheaters. I wouldn't have gotten her a thing. She hasn't ended the affair, so there's no sense in giving her the benefits of marriage.

I hope you continue to let her go and love yourself. I hope you feel better. Your thoughts control your emotions, and if you control your thoughts you can start to feel better. Good luck my friend.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Page 5 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004