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Gerda,

I am sorry you were hit between the eyes w/a very unfeeling and blunt letter....but I am not surprised at all w/her response. She's not taking sides and going to let both of you figure things out for yourself. We always say that blood is thicker than water and no matter what her son does, she will always love him. She may not like what he does, but she will love him.

At least she's not disowned the kids and wants to see them over the summer. Many don't want to even do that when the "war of the roses" is going on.

Yes, you are grieving and you will have ups and downs, but you need to pull those boot straps tight and get angry about the way things have played out. Remember...anger helps us to move ahead. Try not to stay in the rabbit hole too long and remember, each time you feel very down, allow those feelings to wash over you and release them. They will help you heal as you walk the path.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I agree with Job,

Take it one day at a time

Remember isn't your fault, and God has a plan.

(((((Gerda)))))


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
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Hello Gerda

I empathize with what you are feeling. A virtual DnJ (mantle sized) is all I can offer. A two armed hug, and an ear. I’m not there in person, more in sprit. I have found that sometimes people who are present are more absent than the absent and yet present person, if that makes any sense.

Originally Posted by Gerda
So I know this must be part of grief and there must be something past it. But right now I am low low low.

(((Gerda)))

Yes, there is something past all the grief. Something wonderful. It is quite a slog to get there, to get through what you have to walk through. In the dark low low low times remember it is so very worth all the effort.

I am sorry for the unbearable loneliness you are feeling. I remember how absurd it suddenly was for me - I was alone and had all the responsibilities, all of it. Kids, house, school, food, clothes, cars, on and on. Just feelings, they will pass, and they will fade. You know all this, but those feelings are something else aren’t they?

As for MIL:

Gerda, you can’t control anyone but yourself. MIL has made her choice, respect her right to choose, and let her go.

MIL’s held back rant about moving to the city is so reminiscent of my XW’s Mother’s displeasure of W and I moving to the country, instead of staying in the city. Your MIL is showing some of her hidden colours, she does sound a little controlling (and irrational) in that snippet of a letter.

Might just explain a bit of H’s behaviour, pure projection onto you, which should be directed at his parents. All that stuff of you controlling him, and all those run on big worded sentences. Projection of his feelings due to his parent’s treatment of him - IMHO.

And what kind of a grandma suggests that her grandkids need time way from their parents. What a crock! Do not pay any heed to this woman. Let her go. You can’t change her mind - she’ll have to come to that herself.

I’ll said it once more - pay MIL no heed.

- - - -

Gerda,

You are an awesome gal!

DnJ

- - - -

My letter is shorter. Blunt, true, and sincere. You can choose which letter you wish to “listen” to. Which you choose and will believe.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, you’re getting there.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Gerda Offline OP
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Job, first of all, thank you for stopping in. You know I love to hear your wise words.

But what do you mean about anger? Anger is the slavery I am always trying to avoid! It makes me feel even worse when I get angry.

Boot straps I do understand, and you have no idea how often I remind myself about your admonitions to dig deeper, pull up the boot straps, etc.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gerda Offline OP
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97Hope, good to meet you and thank you so much for your kindness in stopping by. It meant a lot to me that a new friend was up in arms on my behalf -- especially because sometimes we standers get confused and forget that it's not about us. It sure helps sooth the sound have a stranger express that level of surprise at my MIL's hard heart.

I took a look at your thread and will visit soon with a thought or too.

Thank you!!!!


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gerda Offline OP
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Grace, I am so curious now what all the words you deleted were! But the words that were left here were perfect. Your friendship is a real gift, thank you for that and for the prayers and for the comfort.

I love your idea of friends coming over for a barn-raising, apartment-style. I don't have anyone like that except my bets friend who lives quite far away. Sadly where I live, church communities like that are rare. I am part of a church community in my parish but they are very into faith and study and not so into coming over to help out. In fact that realization has led me to step back from that community. And in my parishes (I go to two), I know people but no one like. And a lot of older Italian ladies who I should be helping!

Love to you, Grace. You have come so far!


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gerda Offline OP
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Marina, it is a real pick-me-up to hear from you. I think of you often and hope you are getting some comfort from God, your sitch sounds so very hard. Thank you for the encouragement. Lots of love to you and the trios.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gerda Offline OP
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DnJ, you are one good cheerer-upper. Your words, as usual, meant so much to me, brought a smile, a tear, a sigh of relief. I especially liked your offering another letter I could believe more.

And also you are spot on with your psychoanalysis of the projection. I have had this really uncomfortable feeling since 2013 that H thinks I am his mom and is finally getting the chance to tell her a piece of his mind and show her what he is made of. I am a very small brunette with no accent and his mom is a very overweight blond lady with a thick accent, and clearly our personalities could not be more different, but there is no way to break through the rather thick MLC eyeglasses to wave, "Wait! It's me! Don't shoot!"

I think for that long letter you deserve a fresh plate of nananananaiiimmooooooo bars, and I am almost done with the rentable side of the apartment job (on the other side of the wall it is mayhem), so I hope to bake some this weekend in time for a visit from my dad (Father's Day here in ye olde States). I will leave some on the mantle for you. With coffee, not tea, I promise. And a jug of extra-fat half and half -- whole and whole?

I am in a better place, as you can probably tell. But simmering under is all the rest, so I will read your letter a couple hundred times.

Last edited by Gerda; 06/14/19 06:32 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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One of the steps to grieving is anger. It is one of the same steps for MLC. For many of the LBS, the step of anger helps them to move forward and not get stuck in the other steps of grieving. In your case, I would be angry over just how much you have endured over the years and now...you are redoing your place for a renter. I would be angry at so many curve balls...but at the end of the day, I would be thankful to have experienced that emotion and know that I can handle anything that God throws at me. For me, during the early days, anger helped me to move forward and not get stuck in the other steps of grieving.

Anger is not necessarily a bad thing...it helps to experience those pent up emotions and rid ourselves of them doing things that we would normally delay doing. In your case, it could help you w/cleaning out and packing up your h's things, the remodel, gardening (if you have a garden) or even power walking. Use that emotion to help you get to the other side. I am not saying to use it against anyone...but towards something you have delayed doing. Trust me, beating the heck out of a pillow is far better than having those pent up feelings.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Gerda!

I struggled with terrible anger for a long time and then felt guilt/shame when I acted out in anger. Well-meaning people from my church had me convinced that my anger was the sin.
But the truth is "IN your anger, do not sin" Anger is an emotion we were created with. Our creator has been angry. The emotion itself certainly isn't sinful. It's an emotion!! It's what we do with it.

Sometimes getting angry causes us to respond in appropriate ways to something that is unacceptable. Don't fear anger, just allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling and CHOOSE your response. There is freedom in that. I don't want to come across as preachy, but I spent a long time judging myself for my emotions, and scared of being angry. I realized I'm not the hulk, I can control myself and this process has provided peace in my life.


Last edited by 97Hope; 06/15/19 03:33 PM.

ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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