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Originally Posted by SoTorn
Thats what the bible says.

Where? What book, what chapter what verse - heck I'll just take the book and chapter and figure it out from there. Did you read this yourself or are you simply repeating something you heard or read on the Internet?


DonH
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Matthew 19:9


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change

Matthew 19:9


What about Mark 10: 1-12, Luke 16:18, 1 Corinthians 7:10Ė11

Last edited by Twofeet; 02/28/19 05:46 PM.

H(37) W(35)
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T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
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You guys are going down a huge rabbit hole. Those of us that are very adherent to the scripture preach all of this:

- You are married to your spouse and have no right to D EXCEPT for adultery.
- If you D for any other reason you are not free to remarry
- If you meet someone and they are D for a reason other than adultery they are not free for you to marry

God hates divorce, and in the NT gives no provision for it except for adultery.

Unfortunately, as I said earlier, modern society doesn't care.

So back to the question, should the LBS date before the D is final? I say they shouldn't because it adds a complication that you are better off not introducing to your sitch. And it will later confuse the kids. ("Dad said you cheated on him and that is what caused the D." W: "Did you ask your father if he was with his current W before we were D'd?" Etc.

Marriage, divorce, and remarriage is completely separate from the issue of dating before being D'd.


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I can only add my personal view and to a large part I agree with Ginger. To date before you have truly healed is unfair on both yourself and the person/people you are dating. The measure of that (for me) is not whether you have a piece of paper saying you are divorced, or a piece of paper saying you are legally separated. The measure can only ever be you.

There are some members of this community who move from BD to D within a blink of an eye. ILUBINILWU to D so quick they barely have time to breath, much less process and accept. But the choice to D was not theirs. It is, as it nearly always is, their (now X) H or W. Others, like me, are stuck in limbo for so long that the idea to pull the plug ourselves raises its head almost daily. Does the LBS who divorces quickly be in a better position to date, because they are no longer legally or morally bound to their S, then I, who over a year in, am still no closer to D then when this started.

I have not tried dating but I have been intimate outside my M. Let's be honest, that is really what this thread is about. Having dinner with someone is not 'breaking my vows', going to the movies with someone is not morally wrong. You break your vows when you sleep with someone. You commit a sin when you sleep with someone. I did not feel guilty. I did not feel like I was cheating on my H. I also did not feel ready. So I retreated and continued with my journey.

Let me be clear - we celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary 2 months before BD. We had been together 15 years at the time. During the full run of our relationship I did not once consider cheating on my H. I loved and still love my H. But one year and one month after he told me my H told me he was unhappy, I slept with someone else. I chose someone equally emotionally unavailable so I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. I felt no guilt. D or no D, my M is gone. That was my choice. It was not a conscious one but it was a choice non the less. My heart is open to a new relationship. My heart is also open to reconciling with my H. I am willing for both, or neither to happen organically. One day, I might actively pursue dating others. Not today though. Like reconciling with my H, meeting someone new might or might not happen. I am going to try and live as fully as I can either way. That is all any of us can do.

In regards to children, should I meet someone worthy of meeting my children, then I might consider introducing them. This is a much deeper commitment then simply dating. I expect, if I were to date, it would be a long long time before I was committed enough to introduce them to my kids. My kids emotions are too precious to [censored] about with.


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Just my 2 cents to add in based on my own situation.
Been at this a LONG time now. Bomb Drop Sept 2017, W filed and withdrew Feb 2018 in the same week, In home separation until she finally moved out November 2018. Nothing filed at present. I'm letting things sit MR wise and separating everything financially as it happens. I am doing well at GAL and convinced myself that I needed to just go out and date to prove to myself I was still a viable candidate. I got into the OLD profiles. Chatted a bunch and had to get through the bs that is out there. I even had some good back and forth texts with some very nice ladies. I got as close as actually scheduling a dinner date with one of them for the following week. I thought about it overnight then cancelled the next day. The bottom line came down to looking myself in the mirror. I made vows to my wife. I made vows before my friends, family and before GOD. All of that is important. But the bottom line came to facing my children (and myself) with my character and what is right. Good or bad I am still in love with my wife. I also realize that our marriage has a snowballs chance of going on to a new and better MR. For myself, I actually feel more confident by cancelling all of those profiles and concentrating on myself and my children. My wife is dealing with her own issues. I don't want to add to my own by bringing someone into my life when I am not ready for it and knowing that I do still love my wife. I don't think it is fair to them, to me, or to my children (not that I would have any intention of introducing them to my children for a LONG time). I just took that off the table. I do miss the intimacy, friendship and everything else that goes along with a relationship, but for me, now is not the time. My wife took her wedding ring off in May in an "in my face" display that it was "time for her". It was for her to see how I would react. I am not pining for her, nor am I doing anything to hurt her or get her back presently. We have VERY few interactions and since they are only about our children or finances they generally are not fun or pleasant. I DB all the time. Not perfectly, but way better now than in the beginning.

I have kept my wedding ring on and have decided that I will keep it on and will on take it off if and when a D is final. This is for no one else for myself and my children. They will know eventually how much it took to keep my principals. I don't flaunt it nor do I speak of it. I have had a few friends ask about it. I generally just brush it off. If the press, I tell them that it is my choice and I choose to honor the vows that I made. I am no martyr nor do I wish to be. But in the end I have to look at myself in the mirror and look myself in the eye knowing all that I have done.

Good discussion.


M51 W44
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BD date 9/17
W filed 02/18
W withdrew petition following week
In house separation 03/18
In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18
W is moving out by mid Nov 2018
A drawing up paperwork 11/18

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Quote
the ability to delay gratificationóthat is, impulse controlómay be one of the most important skills to learn to have a satisfying and successful life


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Marriage, divorce, and remarriage is completely separate from the issue of dating before being D'd.

True, but they were just answering my question - which I appreciate because as I said while I believe in God and attend church now and then, I had never heard of aduery being grounds for D within the church. Being Lutheran it's not as profound either way. Anyhow, thanks for helping me learn something that I did not know.

I recently dated soneone who is still married. That is not typical for me but she is clearly M in name only. They have not lived together for 8 years nor had any kind of an R. However with three kids, health insurance, etc, it just works better for them. Since I don't want to get married I was fine with it as she could not pressure me to go there. But it's a far cry from someone like that to soneone 4 months into a separation and not yet even filed to yet soneone else separated for 3 years and still working out a complicated D settlement. All of this for me just reinforces you have to look at the individual sitch. Jumping from one LTR directly to a new R is not healthy. More and more I see really lonely people who are very sad and hate being alone accepting the affection of just about anyone who will make them happy. I think it is so important to be happy by yourself before adding in a partner but sadly I'm very clearly in the minority with that. I totally stand by bring 100% alone for no less than 6 months prior to anything beyond casual dating and one year is much better. Yet I see over and over again where people rationalize why they don't need to wait that year or thunk they already did only because they have not had sex with their partner. The interesting thing is after they push forward and ignore or explain away everyone who cautions them they later admit they dated too soon and should have listened.


DonH
Midwest
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WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
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Originally Posted by DonH
All of this for me just reinforces you have to look at the individual sitch. Jumping from one LTR directly to a new R is not healthy. More and more I see really lonely people who are very sad and hate being alone accepting the affection of just about anyone who will make them happy. I think it is so important to be happy by yourself before adding in a partner but sadly I'm very clearly in the minority with that. I totally stand by bring 100% alone for no less than 6 months prior to anything beyond casual dating and one year is much better. Yet I see over and over again where people rationalize why they don't need to wait that year or thunk they already did only because they have not had sex with their partner. The interesting thing is after they push forward and ignore or explain away everyone who cautions them they later admit they dated too soon and should have listened.


Thanks, Don.

If I can be perfectly honest, I do know deep in my heart Iím not ready for another LTR. Heck, I havenít even been served D papers yet (but I wouldnít be surprised if it happens soon, tbh). That said, I do hold out *some* hope for recon, even though I donít think itís likely, and Iím not interested in recon-ing or piecing with W as she currently is, or as our relationship currently is.

And Iíll admit the opportunities not just for intimacy (though in another post I mentioned that Iíd probably wait for remarriage before sex, but thatís just me), but for attention and affection are incredibly tempting, given the last year-or-so to my sitch overall (Iíve only been on the board since November, but this started for me about a year ago). I speak in generalóI donít have much that is specific happening to me (very few people know whatís going on, and I still wear my ring). Though, in the event W and I end up Díing, I would hope for remarriage at some point (theological implications for me aside), but that is also wayyyy for down the road. Like AS (and others) have commented on my post, Iím plenty young, which is nice, no matter what happens.

In spite of (or maybe because of) my sitch, I have given thought to this topic more and more recently (dating in general, while separated or divorced). While Iím sure at least some of it is born of present sadness and loneliness on my end, I also wonder if at least some of this is also born of hope for a future down the roadófor me, I wonder if this is a sign of progress that Iím even considering these thoughts at all.

What Iíve been told in my thread, and what Iím coming around to, is the idea of being happy aloneóhopefully make myself so awesome and amazing that there will be a woman who will want to come along with me for the ride. The attention and affection and validation, if I were to receive it now, would make me *feel* happy, at least in the short-term. Long-term? Probably not so muchóI donít want to end up in another bad sitch later on. I need to figure out what I want from a partner, as well as where W and I stand, before I go down this road.

Last edited by Bo562; 02/28/19 07:40 PM.

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From my perspective, the D papers are a moot distraction. I can see from a religious perspective why getting the actual D is important before you date - I am not going to argue against that. It's just not a perspective that works for me. I have no judgment on anyone who holds that view.

For me, the most important thing before the LBS starts dating is whether they have gone through a sustained period of healing, recovery, and rebuilding themselves. The timelines vary for people and there is no hard and fast rule on that. The most important advice I got here was this - don't use other people to self-medicate your pain. It will be a transient and difficult passage.

The D papers just make the reality 'official', with the reality being that you were already D'd at BD. If you need that 'official' stamp of approval to have full closure to move forward in terms of dating, by all means go that route.

Just because you have D papers doesn't mean you're ready to go and date. Some people got officially D'd months or even weeks after BD - are they ready to date? I would say that the likelihood is a big fat 'no'.

The most crucial aspect is 'you'. Get yourself correct and healthy and bring vitality back to your physical, mental, and emotional self to optimal levels. Get everything functioning again before you go out on the Formula One track thinking you're ready to race again.


No one is coming to save you!

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