I've decided to see our MC, now my IC next week to regroup. This will be the 3rd visit since H moved out. I need to do some self-evaluation on:
Events that recently occurred, my response, and how I want to proceed.
Why I chose such a man in the first place, and why did I feel (maybe continue to feel), the deep desire to still love him, care for him and reconcile after all that's occurred.
More to come.
Last edited by Grace21; 02/20/1905:10 PM. Reason: Hit send button too soon!
I posted on another thread how Lent might be my time to work on totally and completely giving my sitch up to God. With the latest events this week, I'm an inner mess. I was doing so well, and even told my bible study group about a month ago that I thought I was doing so well, and was at so much peace and happiness, because I gave my sitch up to God. With all the ugly blame H put on me about why he's so miserable, I have myself doubting going so dark was the best route. I know evil is trying to take over, and realized I tried to take over the sitch from God.
I'm having serious doubts that I can wait for things to evolve, for H to make a decision. Some days I want to call him and say "draw up the papers". I'm releasing you.
But I'm not quite ready. Why?
Some days I want to draw them up myself and hand them over, saying "obviously you don't want to be with me, otherwise you would. So let's get it over with. Why drag it out?” Or “I’m giving you the gift of choice. You can sign them if you feel the only way to your happiness is to start over.”
And then I think I should let it continue to evolve. Why should I care that H might move in with his OW? Let him reap those consequences. And they would be plenty, I’m sure. This woman doesn’t even have a real job. She’s still living with her H. They aren’t D either. But they have no kids. Our kids would be disgusted
This standing business is very draining. It’s making me feel like I’m letting H spit all over our vows, and then I’m still at the ready to take him back. That doesn’t say a lot for my self-worth, does it?
But, I feel good that in 30 years I have never, ever broken our vows. At least not intentionally. And by that, I mean I accept total responsibility for putting too much energy in my kids and neglecting my H as a man. He even mentioned that on the phone the other night. He never felt that I cared if he was around or not. I neglected the “love, honor and cherish” part. We both did.
The difference is I’ve examined a lot about where we went wrong. But have the belief the we could rebuild something so fulfilling.
He hasn’t. He continues to choose to wallow in the negative, the past, and stay stuck in his misery.
He thinks the happiness and peace he sees in my is because he’s not around.
He doesn’t realize that happiness and peace is because I’m finding my inner me, and I like it.
I’ve got much to consider. Too bad my IC can’t see me for another week.
I’m sad. And tired.
Last edited by job; 02/21/1912:48 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
We are constantly faced with very hard choices We do the right things, we are patient, kind cordial
we have to do the Inner hard stuff while they get to play and have a new love and fun
We cry mourn and grieve They cheat, lie, and steal seems lopsided
But fast forward to 5 years from now:
We are in a new more fulfilling relationship- they are broken and stuck with OW or replaced her with OW2 We have a connection with God- they are lost- We still have a home, job and financial security- they are broke
No its not a race and no family in MLC really wins but we can be rewarded for our standing and if we trust and surrender again meditate and wait--god will lead-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
This path is difficult, and will make you stronger than you can believe; stronger emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And it is such a slog.
It is draining, and suffering like you probably have never felt before. The inequity of this, H vs you, is so unfair, it really is. I suspect your current view (much like mine was) is one where he is enjoying his new life, and you get all this work and inner exploring to do. The real inequity is - you are going to rise above and flourish, he will probably sink further into despair and depression. Yes, that is a future outlook, right now you don’t feel that, I do understand.
Your path will have bumps, potholes, and many rough patches. That’s all this is - feelings due to necessary inner reflection. Feelings from withdrawl.
Feel them, acknowledge them, stop feeding them, and let them go.
Something practical to work on. Focus on you. You have felt the peace and happiness, you know you have, and now it seems so far away (emotional car). Get back behind the wheel of your intellect. Decouple these feelings from the recent trigger events, in other words understand why you feel what you do. This is an intellectual pursuit, that will most likely reaffirm your beliefs, the why you are willing to stand and remain faithful - for you (not H). Then the processing of feelings will not just be suffering, acceptance can be found.
Remember they’re feelings, they can flit away. Let them. You are finding and following your beliefs.
I found the spiritual path transcends all the other paths, influences all, is influenced by all, and is the hardest to “hear”.
Headings of kindness, compassion, understanding, and forgiveness are lofty and worthy goals. It takes time and effort to acheive and is so worth the pain.
If you have any waiver in your choice to step down - then keep standing. If you ever get to when you are sure, wait 3 more, maybe 6 more months, ensure it is a choice based on beliefs not feelings.
Originally Posted by DnJ
You are doing so well!
Don’t ever believe otherwise.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Grace, you described exactly how I feel. I suppose thats to mean that this is part of it...part of what our path to success looks like. Think of this as a bump in the road. You know what your success and happiness looks like because you were in it. This is just a minor setback...you've got this. You know you do because you've been doing it.
Having said that, the advice that DnJ and Peace gave helped me too. Thank you to all of you!!
we have to do the Inner hard stuff while they get to play and have a new love and fun
Originally Posted by DnJ
It is draining, and suffering like you probably have never felt before. The inequity of this, H vs you, is so unfair, it really is. I suspect your current view (much like mine was) is one where he is enjoying his new life, and you get all this work and inner exploring to do. The real inequity is - you are going to rise above and flourish, he will probably sink further into despair and depression. Yes, that is a future outlook, right now you don’t feel that, I do understand.
I wouldn’t really have to, would I? I could wallow in my own self-pity, but that’s useless, isn’t? I had fleeting thoughts today that I might be jealous. But why would I be jealous of a skank he reached out to because he was lonely, depressed, miserable? I should feel sorry for her. She has no idea what she’s getting herself into. I would love to message her. But I won’t. I want to message HER H, and ask him if he knows she’s hooked up with my H again. (he is the one that called me Jan 2018, and H dumped her like a hot potato that night). But I won’t. Maybe I’m hurt he chose to reach out to HER to feel better, rather than someone who loves him so much, and is getting sick out of concern for him? ME, his WIFE. This seems likely. In reality, he probably gets a regular sexual release, and the emotional strokes, but I’ll bet they are fleeting. And now that I know, might even make him feel worse then ever. He’s his own worse enemy. I could be wrong. It might propel him to move forward with her now that it’s out in the open. I worry about my kids. He’s driving to see them this weekend. I hope it brings a connection for them. I know that after my pity-party I’ll get back on track. But true detachment and moving on seems impossible.
Originally Posted by peacetoday
But fast forward to 5 years from now: We are in a new more fulfilling relationship- they are broken and stuck with OW or replaced her with OW2 We have a connection with God- they are lost- We still have a home, job and financial security- they are broke
This makes sense, and seems likely. He feels like crap because “of all that’s occurred and all that I’ve done”. “I’m damaged goods, and always will be, so you are better off without me”. (His words). Perhaps. But what keeps me going is the God CAN do miracles, and if our reconciliation is His will, then it’s on his own time.
God, give me patience.
Sad that he’s his own worse enemy. He feels like crap because of his actions, but his solution is to continue to do them. Does he think “I’m already terrible, there’s no hope, so there’s no use trying to change”. Or, I feel like crap, so maybe if I do this one more time it will finally make me feel better? I will probably never have the answer. Makes me sad for him
Originally Posted by DnJ
Feel them, acknowledge them, stop feeding them, and let them go.
The stop feeding them is really, really tough. I’m digging deep for it today. Visions of her and him, and the runaway freight train of emotions are everpresent from the moment I open my eyes until I go to sleep at night.
Right now I’m floating through my days, but I want to live them again. I want to feel like I did this weekend with the diversion from a male (which I don’t think I posted about). Nothing to compromise my vows at all, but it was nice company.
I want my peace back. I’ve got work to do. I know it’s there, because I had it for a long time. I just misplaced it. Time to find it.
Originally Posted by sjohns6
Grace, you described exactly how I feel. I suppose thats to mean that this is part of it...part of what our path to success looks like. Think of this as a bump in the road. You know what your success and happiness looks like because you were in it. This is just a minor setback...you've got this. You know you do because you've been doing it.
Thanks for the reminder, and the encouraging words!
I am not religious. If you are, great. Anything that helps. You are moving through the stages of grief. Totally healthy and normal. You are surviving. You will feel better. You just need more time. It took me 2 years. That was after he left. I think all the time he was at home wallowing just stopped him from living that dream life and stopped me from healing. Time. We don't like to admit it. But it is all about time. How are you going to use yours?
You mean the OW? Yes, certainly. As H loves to say. It's not about her. She's just a symptom of the problem. Blah, blah blah.
I have a tendency to obsess over the wrongs done to me, but I will snap out of it. I know it.
2 years. Wow, that seems like an eternity, but I realize we've been a mess since January 2018 already, and probably before that.
That will put me at 57. Then if we divorce? 57, alone, and only 1/2 our assets. All that economizing I did so we could have a nice retirement. Really ticks me off.
But I wouldn't be alone. I would have my kids, my extended family, my new life ready and waiting for me if I continue with my work.
I know I'm a jumbled mess of emotions and thoughts. Reading back I'm all over the place. I'm wondering if I've been "putting on a show" for myself and others, and stifled some of my feelings, and they are now flooding out.
This was a rough week. Every waking moment my brain was bombarded with thoughts of H and OW, feeling sorry for myself. It was every present during bible study, work, and bootcamp. It was exhausting.
Had 2 good cries.
The 2nd one was this morning after my bible reading. I cried hard, and called out to God to tell me what to do, to talk to me, and let me hear. I beseeched Him to guide me. Then, in the midst of my crying and yelling, the word Wait came to my mind. I asked God if he was speaking to me. Again….”Wait”. I asked God whether he wants me to wait for him, and the word “Patience” came clearly to mind. Twice.
Now, I’ve always been a Christian, but this intense, regular prayer and talking to God is fairly new to me – maybe 4 or 5 months. But, I am choosing to believe He WAS talking to me. I hesitate to even put my doubts down here that it’s just stuff I’ve thought a lot about, because then I wouldn’t really be a believer, would I?
I tend to be impulsive. So, waiting is probably a good idea.......
I have a strong desire to write a letter to H. Not to persuade him to dump OW, but to more clearly articulate my thoughts on everything. Emotions were high when we spoke. I feel a strong need to set a few things straight.
I tend to be impulsive. So, waiting is probably a good idea........
His birthday is next week. I am considering sending him a card. Nothing mushy, just to let him know I’m acknowledging his B-day.
Meeting a friend for drinks and dinner in a bit. Have a party at her house on Sunday. Tomorrow morning will be exercise, but I should come up with something for the afternoon. Well, at least there’s a few GAL activities on the books for this weekend!
