What about your XW? If she dates, gets serious with someone and introduces your child, is that going to bother you? Are you going to see that as someone else being a father figure for your kid? I guess I'm trying to understand where that link is because if you are just dating someone, I'm not sure why you would assume they would want you to be a father figure. Or why you would think that they'd assume that they were going to be a mother figure to your child. I realize that some of these are things that you might not even be able to respond to because as you already pointed out, it depends on the situation and exactly what is going on. I'm just trying to understand your point of view a little better because it is interesting to me. I was open to dating a man with kids and I married someone who already had kids but I was clear all along that while I loved the girls, they HAVE a mother and that mother is not me. Now, yes, I did play a parental role in that they did live in our house and I helped provide for them and guide them with advice and the occasional correction when necessary (though they were teenagers and really good girls to boot, so not a lot of correction needed), but I never ever thought their dad was trying to replace their mom with me and I never tried to replace their mom and I even went out of my way on many occasions to make sure that they maintained a relationship with their mom even when I personally didn't think she deserved to have one with them because of the way she treated them. Now, I can say here, I think she's the biggest b!tch to ever have walked this green earth, but to the girls, they, to this day, think that I like their mom because I never ever said a single negative thing about her and when they would talk negative about her to me, I would defend her. Whatever I may think of her, she is their mother and you only get one mother and one father in this life and it isn't my place to replace anyone's. I never asked the girls to call me mom. Sparky has a daughter that is also already an adult (21) and I look forward to having a relationship with her, but just like my other daughters, I will not expect her to call me mom. I'm just "Dawn". She has a mother and none of us want me to replace her. By the same token, I want Sparky to enjoy a nice relationship with my daughters, but he is not dad. He is just "Sparky". I'm really not trying to belabor a point or anything, just trying to see another viewpoint. I think that my view is often a little off from most on the board because a lot of folks like yourself, J9, Ginger are all dealing with little kids while my youngest is 25. So, I'm in the same boat with Andrew and maybe kml and maybe one or 2 others who have adult "kids" so the dynamic is very different. I'm also in a different mindset because as much as I love the girls, I did not give birth to them, so there may be a different feeling when the kid(s) is of your own flesh and blood as opposed to just being a step-parent. Though I will say, it does piss me off to now end when I hear people downgrading step-parents as "JUST" step-parents because I can assure you, in our family, I was there a WHOLE lot more for my 3 daughters than their mother ever thought about being because she was too busy off chasing her married boyfriend and trying to catch him to pay attention to what her teenage daughters were going through and needing advice on. But, I'll get off my soapbox and stop hogging your thread with stories about the wicked witch of Western Arkansas.
Well I can answer this since it has already happened. She is serious with someone and says she is in love, but doesnt plan on getting married. To me her saying this doesnt mean squat cuz at one point she said she loved me to, so I will let him deal with her issues. Same guy that she left me for and has introduced my daughter to him. He was going through a divorce when my wife decided to leave me. At first i didnt like it, but nothing i can do about it. I find it curious that my daughter still thinks we are going to get back together. Who knows in the future we might, but i will never marry her again. All I can hope for is that he is a good example for her, but I doubt that because of how he acts so timid and beta, according to my ex. It doesnt bother me though because I am involved in her life and she knows I am her father. As a man I have no respect for him because since he was going through a divorce, how could you put another man through the same dilemma. I guess that is my morals though. As for future men in her life, its going to happen, and I come to the fact that if someone should abuse her, I will put the blame solely on her.
M:43 W:33 M:10 T:11 D:6 BD 8/12/17 Divorce Final 1/23/2019
So I have read in a few posts about this "coach" guy. I think it may be corey wayne, and if not I apologize. He offers some good advice, from what I read on the posts. I have not read his book, but if he supports trying to win the lady back I totally disagree with this notion unless it is a marriage. There are too many women out there to try to win back the respect of a woman who disrespected you. Sometimes the women are broken, and other times the man made the mistake of making the woman their primary focus, or being too available to her. Either way I believe the man should learn from his experience and move on.
M:43 W:33 M:10 T:11 D:6 BD 8/12/17 Divorce Final 1/23/2019
The coach would say walk away and never look back and if she ever calls again hang out, have fun, and hook up. Assume she wants to see you and make a date
The coach would say walk away and never look back and if she ever calls again hang out, have fun, and hook up. Assume she wants to see you and make a date
I would do this, and if she makes contact again my date would be a come over for dinner and bring some wine, or netflix and chill. Point being is I wouldnt want her to use me for validation, and make my intentions overt so I am not wasting my time. Time is a valuable commodity and no point in wasting it on people, who are just looking for validation or an orbiter.
M:43 W:33 M:10 T:11 D:6 BD 8/12/17 Divorce Final 1/23/2019
Interesting topic on another thread that probably belongs here. So I am wondering... how important do ya'll feel sex is as part of a long term relationship, on a scale of 1-10?? (10 being super important).
For me, now I would say 8-9. BUT the interesting thing is that if you had asked me that same question 4-5 years ago, I would have said a 4-5. I guess I understand things a bit better now and there was obviously something lacking in the intimate department with XW. That was at least 50% my fault, probably more. But I also didn't think there was anything wrong with it at the time. I just thought it is what it is. But looking back I see. I guess now I realize that after the initial infatuation is over, the couple needs to have that intimate connection in order for there to be meaningful sex. The sex part is almost a barometer for how the relationship is going. I never understood that oddly enough.
Totally agree Pinn. That was a huge problem in my MR in the last half. As soon as my H started checking out, the intimacy went downhill. I think it was a classic men from Mars, women from Venus scenario. I needed to feel close to him emotionally to want to have sex and needed to have sex in order to feel close to me emotionallly. The adjustment to having twins was a really tough one on us. I was super exhausted much of the time.... working fulll time, commuting, housework, etc... My H and I should have made date nights a priority and talked more. HIndsight is always 20/20 though. It is the one thing I have had a tough time forgiving myself for.
We made date night a pretty strong priority. W would tell me about how a former co-worker of hers and her husband didn’t make date night a priority, and it let to serious problems...and she didn’t want to end up like them.
Welp.
Basically, for the last year, since initial ILYBINILWY BD and going forward, date night hasn’t been a thing for us. I’m sure the pregnancy had at least something to do with it, maybe. And sex? Hasn’t been a thing since November—so, about 3 and a half months.
In response to pinn’s question—I would say between 7-8.
Now, W and I have had some issues with respect to sexual compatibility—she was the higher desire spouse, at least until recently. I have my own things to work through with respect to sex—for me, being more open was part of the 180’s I started a year ago. I’ve mentioned this on my thread, but in the event that W and I end up D’ing, I’ll have to think long and hard about what I want from a partner, especially about sex.
I realize I’m saying this now, and it could always change, but for me, though—I would probably want to wait until remarriage for sex, not just for a LTR, and I’m really not into hooking up / casual sex. I know that this could seriously limit my options in the dating pool, but I also realize that it could save me a lot of trouble, too (potential pregnancies, emotional / physical attachment issues, don’t want to worry about my partner being ‘clean’ in terms of disease, etc.)
I know in my thread I’ve talked about missing intimacy / sex, and I’ve mentioned before that sometimes I just really want sex and to be desired, but I’m taking that for what it was—‘pangs’ of desire that ebb and flow, and have been fading overall in general. In some respects, it’s more missing what I used to have with W (like what AS said on my thread).
If W and I end up D’ing, I would want to be really careful about who I give myself to—emotionally, and sexually. I’m sure it would be really rough and I’d probably hate it and hate myself for it at times, but honestly, I would consider waiting for remarriage if it comes down to it.
Bo... Men like you are rare in this day and age. My whole life I have been in long term relationships with the exception of a few guys I dated between my XH and my H so casual sex was never really a thing for me either. I think it is important for you to be true to yourself and to your values. The right person will appreciate that about you. Regardless of what happens with your W, I think you will be AOK.
Interesting Bo... I am actually kind of like you. Though I am muuuccchhhhh further along than you, and it is super frustrating at times, I have not been the casual sex kind of guy. Will that change... who knows, but for now, that's the way it is and it's ok... i guess haha! I wouldn't wait for remarriage though.
I am wondering if anyone thinks sex is less a 7 in importance on that scale. And I would understand because I used to feel that way because I guess I did not know better. I do look forward to being super compatible with someone in the future on multiple levels.
My opinion. You need to find someone that has the same level of sex drive that you do. If you want to have sex every day your partner does not then that wont work....the same vice versa. IF you are happy waiting until marriage and your partner wants to have sex on date 4...eventually that person will get frustrated.
For me...….I would like to have sex every day or at minimum every other day. I know to fill that desire I will need to find a partner that wants the same. My xw and I had mismatched sex drives or at least (with me) she didn't want to have sex more than once a week. I wanted it more, squashed my desires, and I know I got frustrated with it over time.
If it is a 8 for you and 2 for your partner no go. Vice versa.
