Dating after Divorce

[Maika]

Yup - check out Wednesday Martin's latest book called 'Untrue'... and Christopher Ryan's book 'Sex at Dawn'..... amazing research on human sexual behaviors and evolutionary programming.

[rexgm]

I can honestly say that I'm MUCH more freespirited than I was when I was younger. And actually much more accepting of men in all their varieties and permutations. I also have a lot more confidence, DGAF what others think of me, and make much better conversation. The times I dated much younger men (they sought me out, I wasn't looking) they all complained that women their age were high maintenance, needy and superficial. Now, that's an ASSumption as well, but my point is, you may be looking in the wrong places if you're looking for free spirits.

You have a point here, but also the body type that I am attracted to is more prevalent with younger women than older ones. Now I am 43 and there are some older woman I do find myself attracted to, but they are not usually single. And the women that I would of been attracted to when they were younger now have let themselves go, and why should I try to force my attraction to someone who is no longer in their prime, and so they know this and have figured out they can no longer date the hot guy they used to and have opened up their options. Why should I now accept that I would be their plan B? "waiting for the blowback on this one lol"

rex - I've not followed your story at all so I can honestly say that I don't know you from Adam but you remind me of a story that I've posted before. My barber - who I've known for 30 years - once told me that if he was to go "a-wandering" that he would target married women because they could be interested in non-commitment sex. Your postings remind me of that.

I have been hit on by married women and it honestly is a big turn off. Why would i knowingly put a guy through something that I went through myself? I also shy away from dating people with kids. Not all women are like this, but I honestly dont want to be a father figure to someone else's child. Also it is very difficult to sync up schedules between when I have my daughter and when they would have their kids.

Andrew,

I am not sure if it is a generational thing or just how someone structures their values. I am 37 and I would be in a similar boat to you. I could not imagine sex with a woman unless we were exclusive and we were committed. I was always raised with relationships being developed on love first sex later. Maybe that makes me old fashioned too. It does concern me that those values will be a hurdle for women in my dating age range.

Yeah this would definately be a hurdle with me. Sex and love are different in my book. Maybe its because i am a libra, maybe not, but I think of sex as more fun, exercise and experimentation between two people. Not necessarily an emotional attachment. If a woman told me that she wanted to wait to have sex until after a committed relationship, I would say thats nice, but let me ask you this. What if I told you I was unemployed and didnt plan on working until I was in a committed relationship. ( its a good example from a book i read) Would you still want to date me also?

After you have been at it for a while you can usually tell by how fast they are moving. Yes....some girls will be turned off but the quality ones will go slower which will be more aligned with your values.

really depends on their attraction level to the guy. Even quality women would move fast with someone like Brad Pitt or any other heartthrob that checks off their boxes.

That brings up a good point where quite often I see online "have no time to play games". What does that actually mean?

that they are aware and play the game themselves. I have said this before, women play the game much better than men ever will. They have been doing it their whole life, whether consciously or subconsciously. I noticed this with my daughter when she was 4. She got mad at my friends son who is also 4. I dont remember what was done, but she walked up to him and told him that she was fighting with him and mad at him. She then walked off. He went up to her and asked whats wrong, like a caring person would, and she responded we are fighting. He look around and said we are not fighting I didnt hit you and you are not hitting me. She once again responded we are fighting. He then began to cry because he didnt understand and was hurt. So crying he walked up to me and told me what was happening and said I am not hitting her but she says we are fighting. He looked really lost and confused. I felt really bad for him, and just thought. Yep, you have lost, she is on a much different playing field than you are.

[kml]

You have a point here, but also the body type that I am attracted to is more prevalent with younger women than older ones.

BINGO! So the real reason comes out. It's not because younger women are more "free-spirited" (because they aren't, trust me) but because they have less flawed bodies. Just be aware, if that's your priority, you'll likely be sacrificing something else. My ex married a woman 19 years younger than him, and yes, she has a less flawed body. She also tried to get my grown kids to play "punch-buggy" in the car, acts like a very young girl, isn't the strong independent highly accomplished and intelligent, caring woman he was previously married to. And as he is really starting to show his age and have some health problems as he approaches 60, I imagine he has to worry she might leave him for some younger, more virile guy. Just be careful what you wish for, ok?

On the same note: if you aren't going to date women who have kids because YOU have a kid, you'll end up dating women who WANT to have kids. Is that what you want? Are you willing to risk a young partner getting pregnant without your consent? Do you want to raise another child at this age? Are you willing to take on the problems with a step-parent who has never had kids second-guessing your parenting child? Again - just be careful what you wish for. A woman your age whose kids are grown might be a better partner than a young woman who still wants kids or someone who is childless by choice and doesn't really like being around your kid.

[rexgm]

BINGO! So the real reason comes out. It's not because younger women are more "free-spirited" (because they aren't, trust me) but because they have less flawed bodies. Just be aware, if that's your priority, you'll likely be sacrificing something else.

I have never hidden the fact of the body type I like. any weight between 115 to 150 and height between 5 and 6ft tall. She could be 5ft tall and 150 and I wouldnt have an issue as long as i was attracted to her. Personality is important also. I like to go out and do things, hiking, dancing, live music, darts, bars, bike riding, and I dont have an issue doing it on a daily basis. Older women do. I dont even have a TV in the bedroom, because to me the bed is for either sleep or sex and nothing else.

I am also not looking for a woman to take care of me. Growing old is part of life. if you are worried about them leaving you just because one gets old, to me that is just plain silly. At any point one could have an accident that could leave them disabled. Just like if a man dates a younger woman and she gets disabled, he then has to make a choice whether he still wants to be with her or not.

On the same note: if you aren't going to date women who have kids because YOU have a kid, you'll end up dating women who WANT to have kids. Is that what you want? Are you willing to risk a young partner getting pregnant without your consent? Do you want to raise another child at this age? Are you willing to take on the problems with a step-parent who has never had kids second-guessing your parenting child? Again - just be careful what you wish for. A woman your age whose kids are grown might be a better partner than a young woman who still wants kids or someone who is childless by choice and doesn't really like being around your kid.

Main reason i dont date women with kids is not because I have a kid, its because I dont want to be a father figure to someone elses kid. Obviously there are some exceptions like in widows and such, but why should I raise a child when their father just chooses to not be around. I havent decided if I want more kids yet or not, but not all women want to have children. Most of these questions are things that only time will tell, because there is no sure answer to them yet. I plan on getting a vasectomy, so she wouldnt be able to get pregnant without my consent.

My Ex is actually a really good mother. I have no complaints in that area. So my daughter is not looking for a mother figure. I am also not looking to find her one. During dating I havent introduced my daughter to any woman and I wouldnt plan on it. Now if it turned into a LTR then I would consider it then and make an appropriate decision. But I havent run into a woman yet who says she hates kids. I also know that having a child automatically crosses me off of some ladies lists too.

[DonH]

The things I learn here. Punch Buggy - had to look it up. LMAO. Red pill Reddit - had no clue until juju brought it up.

More to the point, every R, every woman (man) is a sacrifice. No one person has it all. If you get too focused on the three or four things you think you really want and need you may get blindsided by the 20 or 30 you overlooked.

[Dawn70]

The things I learn here. Punch Buggy - had to look it up. LMAO. Red pill Reddit - had no clue until juju brought it up.

I know, right? I did know what punch buggy was and laughed out loud at the thought of a grown woman playing it, but was clueless on red pill reddit. So, so educational in so many ways.

Main reason i dont date women with kids is not because I have a kid, its because I dont want to be a father figure to someone elses kid. Obviously there are some exceptions like in widows and such, but why should I raise a child when their father just chooses to not be around. I havent decided if I want more kids yet or not, but not all women want to have children. Most of these questions are things that only time will tell, because there is no sure answer to them yet. I plan on getting a vasectomy, so she wouldnt be able to get pregnant without my consent.

My Ex is actually a really good mother. I have no complaints in that area. So my daughter is not looking for a mother figure. I am also not looking to find her one. During dating I havent introduced my daughter to any woman and I wouldnt plan on it. Now if it turned into a LTR then I would consider it then and make an appropriate decision. But I havent run into a woman yet who says she hates kids. I also know that having a child automatically crosses me off of some ladies lists too.

Interesting. I have never heard it quite explained that way. I am glad you added that these are questions that only time will tell because I think there is always the possibility that you might actually meet someone you like who does have kids. I'm also curious about something and I'm not trying to be argumentative or question your thoughts and opinions because those are yours, but what if the situation were reversed? What if you met a woman who you really liked, but who felt the same way you do about raising someone else's child/ren?

I understand your reasoning and am not questioning it, but if you happened to meet someone you hit it off with who had kids, would that be a deal breaker for you?

I can't speak for all women but for me, I never necessarily shied away from dating men with kids but I also didn't necessarily seek them out. I wanted to be a mom when I was younger, but I never got the opportunity for a variety of reasons. When my XH came along, I knew on the front end he had daughters and before we even got super serious, we had a LOT of discussions about kids. I was willing to be a part of his life and theirs. I didn't want to raise them in place of their mother, but I did want to be in their life in a step-parent role and despite a lot of negative press about step-parent/child relationships, for me, it has been extremely rewarding. I realize that everyone is different and that is not everyone's feeling. I also realize that because I have never actually given birth to a child, I likely view parenting/motherhood a little differently.

By the way, since this is the first time I have commented, I will say, I like that you started this. I think it is nice to have a place where we can learn from each other without anyone taking offense. I don't take anything I read personally, even if I don't agree with it at all. So, thanks!

[Twofeet]

Andrew,

I am not sure if it is a generational thing or just how someone structures their values. I am 37 and I would be in a similar boat to you. I could not imagine sex with a woman unless we were exclusive and we were committed. I was always raised with relationships being developed on love first sex later. Maybe that makes me old fashioned too. It does concern me that those values will be a hurdle for women in my dating age range.

Yeah this would definately be a hurdle with me. Sex and love are different in my book. Maybe its because i am a libra, maybe not, but I think of sex as more fun, exercise and experimentation between two people. Not necessarily an emotional attachment. If a woman told me that she wanted to wait to have sex until after a committed relationship, I would say thats nice, but let me ask you this. What if I told you I was unemployed and didnt plan on working until I was in a committed relationship. ( its a good example from a book i read) Would you still want to date me also?

Yes I understand what you are saying hence the hurdle. Should I give up on my values because they don't align with the majority of modern society? I think a person has to have their core values/morals/code whatever you want to call it and they should stick to it. For me it helps define who I am, it drives me on my mission through life. If this results in me being single for life? I guess so be it. Some people get through life by being flexible and moving around barriers and others by smashing through them.
The other issue is that my mindset probably works really well for the christian lady who wants to wait till marriage, and I would want to stay away from that. LTR yes marriage no, I am one and done.

Also I don't know much about zodiac signs, so what does it mean for you to be a libra? I see sex being what you describe, but also as a raw emotional connection and expression of love. Nothing I feel like sharing with just anybody.

[AndrewP]

I did want to be in their life in a step-parent role and despite a lot of negative press about step-parent/child relationships, for me, it has been extremely rewarding.

Free cleaning staff is a bonus although those darned woodland creatures never seem to fold the napkins quite right

[rexgm]

What if you met a woman who you really liked, but who felt the same way you do about raising someone else's child/ren?

That is her choice and It would suck but I can live with it. But I am also not asking for someone to raise my child, I wouldnt fault her for having those feelings, I just know that it would be casual thing, and nothing more.

I understand your reasoning and am not questioning it, but if you happened to meet someone you hit it off with who had kids, would that be a deal breaker for you?

It would not be a deal breaker for me, but it also depends on where I am currently at in my life. Also depends on what she was currently looking for. I am open to LTR relationship, but I am not going to hurry and jump into that situation either. I would be very concerned if she wanted to introduce me to her kids early on also.

Also I don't know much about zodiac signs, so what does it mean for you to be a libra? I see sex being what you describe, but also as a raw emotional connection and expression of love. Nothing I feel like sharing with just anybody.

need to be more specific, libras in sex/relationships/love

[Dawn70]

It would not be a deal breaker for me, but it also depends on where I am currently at in my life. Also depends on what she was currently looking for. I am open to LTR relationship, but I am not going to hurry and jump into that situation either. I would be very concerned if she wanted to introduce me to her kids early on also.

Makes sense. Introducing kids too early would be a big red flag for me too. It's a little different in my case where my kids are adults, but I also have grandkids to factor into the mix (they are little ones, ages 2-5). In addition, I have a niece and 2 nephews who are all teenagers and I'm VERY close with them so I think of them like my own kids and treat them as such. I didn't introduce any of those people to Sparky until we had already begun to discuss marriage. Now, he obviously knew about them but he didn't meet them until we were pretty definite on where this was headed. I went out with a guy a few times who pressed me on date 3 to meet my kids. Um, no. No thank you!

I think the thing is, though, that not everyone who is out there dating is looking to raise someone else's kid. And, just because you are dating someone, that doesn't mean you are asking them to raise yours. What about your XW? If she dates, gets serious with someone and introduces your child, is that going to bother you? Are you going to see that as someone else being a father figure for your kid? I guess I'm trying to understand where that link is because if you are just dating someone, I'm not sure why you would assume they would want you to be a father figure. Or why you would think that they'd assume that they were going to be a mother figure to your child. I realize that some of these are things that you might not even be able to respond to because as you already pointed out, it depends on the situation and exactly what is going on. I'm just trying to understand your point of view a little better because it is interesting to me. I was open to dating a man with kids and I married someone who already had kids but I was clear all along that while I loved the girls, they HAVE a mother and that mother is not me. Now, yes, I did play a parental role in that they did live in our house and I helped provide for them and guide them with advice and the occasional correction when necessary (though they were teenagers and really good girls to boot, so not a lot of correction needed), but I never ever thought their dad was trying to replace their mom with me and I never tried to replace their mom and I even went out of my way on many occasions to make sure that they maintained a relationship with their mom even when I personally didn't think she deserved to have one with them because of the way she treated them. Now, I can say here, I think she's the biggest b!tch to ever have walked this green earth, but to the girls, they, to this day, think that I like their mom because I never ever said a single negative thing about her and when they would talk negative about her to me, I would defend her. Whatever I may think of her, she is their mother and you only get one mother and one father in this life and it isn't my place to replace anyone's. I never asked the girls to call me mom. Sparky has a daughter that is also already an adult (21) and I look forward to having a relationship with her, but just like my other daughters, I will not expect her to call me mom. I'm just "Dawn". She has a mother and none of us want me to replace her. By the same token, I want Sparky to enjoy a nice relationship with my daughters, but he is not dad. He is just "Sparky". I'm really not trying to belabor a point or anything, just trying to see another viewpoint. I think that my view is often a little off from most on the board because a lot of folks like yourself, J9, Ginger are all dealing with little kids while my youngest is 25. So, I'm in the same boat with Andrew and maybe kml and maybe one or 2 others who have adult "kids" so the dynamic is very different. I'm also in a different mindset because as much as I love the girls, I did not give birth to them, so there may be a different feeling when the kid(s) is of your own flesh and blood as opposed to just being a step-parent. Though I will say, it does piss me off to now end when I hear people downgrading step-parents as "JUST" step-parents because I can assure you, in our family, I was there a WHOLE lot more for my 3 daughters than their mother ever thought about being because she was too busy off chasing her married boyfriend and trying to catch him to pay attention to what her teenage daughters were going through and needing advice on. But, I'll get off my soapbox and stop hogging your thread with stories about the wicked witch of Western Arkansas.