Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4
RyanHun #2850955 05/29/19 06:51 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 196
R
RyanHun Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 196
8 month update:

Life is going great, I am great personally, work is going well, the kids are doing well everything about my new bachelor life is actually quite fabulous. The only down side to things these days is the house situation and not having my own place to really call home. Currently we are going back and forth between the house on our days with the kids and friends places on the off days. Living out of a suitcase is no fun at all and this scenario actually seems to cause more negatives for the kids then positives. So lets get on with this separation, figure out the house and move on with our lives. Well wrong I am about that. I have come up to the biggest brick wall road block imaginable. In front of me is a person who verbally states she wants nothing further to do with me, who claims she desperately wants D ASAP, that will shut down or flat out ignore any request to discuss how we will go about finalizing a formal separation. Currently have L drawing up a letter to request mediation between the 4 of us (myself, W, my L and her L) for a second time but I suspect it will be ignored like the first one. Anyways, I will keep plugging away and trying to move forward.


M:33 W:32
T: 10 M:8
D9
S7
D4
RyanHun #2851099 05/30/19 05:36 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Quote
I asked what she wanted moving forwards and the response was "I don't know". I said "fair enough" and went up to bed. For someone who was so dead set on D 5 months ago things really seem to be stalled and "I don't know" is running rampant. Not sure if she is waiting for things to just fall into place magically so she can move on or if perhaps she is starting to have second thoughts. Either way I need to remain extra cautious now it seems and really double down on DB'ing.


Quote
8 month update:

Life is going great, I am great personally, work is going well, the kids are doing well everything about my new bachelor life is actually quite fabulous. The only down side to things these days is the house situation and not having my own place to really call home. Currently we are going back and forth between the house on our days with the kids and friends places on the off days. Living out of a suitcase is no fun at all and this scenario actually seems to cause more negatives for the kids then positives. So lets get on with this separation, figure out the house and move on with our lives. Well wrong I am about that. I have come up to the biggest brick wall road block imaginable. In front of me is a person who verbally states she wants nothing further to do with me, who claims she desperately wants D ASAP, that will shut down or flat out ignore any request to discuss how we will go about finalizing a formal separation. Currently have L drawing up a letter to request mediation between the 4 of us (myself, W, my L and her L) for a second time but I suspect it will be ignored like the first one. Anyways, I will keep plugging away and trying to move forward


To me, this suggests control.......but not by you......by your W. This works for her! She benefits from the single life, and benefits from being legally M to you, enjoying a nice home, and whatever else she profits from the M. She takes advantage of you, such as making an app't for the child, planing for you to take her, while she goes off on a trip. Her excuse of not knowing is a manipulation tool. So far, I have to question if she has had to experience any type of consequences or loss for tearing up her family........other than not sleeping with you, of course. Who instigated the separation? IDK, b/c I only glanced over your previous threads, but the story sounded very familiar.

So, you stated in one post that you were actually happier without her. You talk about having a great life, and how this arrangement is not good for the kids. You've gone to the lawyer, etc. You are just waiting on her to decide about the house? If you get a D, wouldn't she have to come to some agreement about the property? I'm just asking if there is nothing legally you can do.....if you really want a D? Now, if you are fine to continue going with things as they are, that's one thing........but if you are waiting for her to cooperate, that's another. I'm just asking if your hands are tied or is there some way to put pressure on her to get her out, if that's what you want.

Sometimes people don't know what they want, until they lose what they have. Maybe that's her problem.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
RyanHun #2851110 05/30/19 06:24 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 196
R
RyanHun Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 196
Sandi,
Thanks for chiming in. You are 100% right, she is 100% taking advantage of the situation and me and hasn't really experienced any real loss. She was the one that initiated separation initially but now I am the one who seems to actually want it. It seems to be extreme cake eating, she does not want to be married to me but wants all the benefits that go along with it such as someone to clean up after her and take care of things around the house.

As far as moving things along go my hands are not completely tied but to a degree they are and it is purely financial. Without her cooperation my only option is to pursue things through the courts and just to get there I am looking at $40,000. I could swing it but would put me in a bad spot.


M:33 W:32
T: 10 M:8
D9
S7
D4
RyanHun #2851118 05/30/19 07:22 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
eek


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
RyanHun #2859646 07/31/19 06:02 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 196
R
RyanHun Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 196
Wow, can't believe it is coming up on 11 months. Hope everyone is having a good summer. Been a very busy one so far for me and the kids spending lots of time at the cabin and out on the boat. The kids have such a great time at the cabin as they have so much freedom and can just be kids, something that gets lost in the big city these days. D10 went away with a friend for a weekend, first time she has been away without any family around. She struggled a bit the first night but by the end of the weekend she didn't want to leave and had an amazing time. Not much to report on regarding an official separation agreement or the house but I have started the process of moving things along through the court system. W getting a letter from my L went over like a lead balloon but it is not like I didn't give her plenty of notice or multiple opportunities to sit down and figure things out together. Nothing has really happened other the W went and retained counsel. My L keeps asking her L for an update but her L has nothing to report since W won't sit down with them either. Still a long road ahead to get things sorted out but i think I can see the slightest glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. It may be an expensive process but in the grand scheme of things the money is far less important then my happiness and my life moving forward.


M:33 W:32
T: 10 M:8
D9
S7
D4
RyanHun #2863417 08/29/19 07:29 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 196
R
RyanHun Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 196
Needing to vent a bit today:
I have been doing a pretty good job of emotionally detaching and for lack of a better word distancing myself from WAW over the last few months but for some reason today I find myself triggered. With back to school fast approaching the kids had asked me about possibly going shopping for some new clothes. With D10 and S8 growing like weeds they are short on things that fit so I said absolutely. I hate shopping but worst case its another fun evening/adventure with the kiddos. Now I'm at work getting angry text messages from W about not inviting her and going on a night she works. I guess the kids told her what we are doing tonight.

I'm sure from all of your perspective this sounds really silly. I think I just find it bizarre that this person who decided she didn't want to be a family anymore still wants to do absolutely everything as a family. Especially with something as dumb as shopping, its not like shes missing out on a major life event here. I don't even know how to respond to her at this point.


M:33 W:32
T: 10 M:8
D9
S7
D4
RyanHun #2863583 08/30/19 08:20 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
This doesn't sound silly at all. We can do our best to detach, and understand the WAW is using emotional reasoning, but man sometimes they get upset about the strangest things.

Originally Posted by RyanHun
I don't even know how to respond to her at this point.

If this is all over text, don't respond at all.

Or a simple, "I won't continue to participate in this text if you continue to berate me."

If text is not working for your communication, I suggest you come to some agreement to move all your communications over to e-mail, phone, or F2F. Text is the absolute worst for this sort of thing.

RyanHun #2863600 08/30/19 09:55 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 196
R
RyanHun Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 196
Thanks unchien,

I did not respond but my mistake was reading her messages in the first place. That said I really dont know what to do about communication other then to not have any at all as I am running out of options. Email, phone, in person have all been tried and failed. Email she doesn't respond, phone she will rattle off 300 items in 20 seconds and then blames me when I don't remember them all. I am currently investigating co parenting apps to give a try and it looks like there are some good options out there.


M:33 W:32
T: 10 M:8
D9
S7
D4
RyanHun #2863627 08/31/19 01:04 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
We have a call every 1-2 weeks with a written agenda we share over email. It started off okay, but my W keeps adding more and more minutiae and they are less effective lately. Let me know if you find a good app!

We also tried google calendar for timeshare but my W didn’t take to it. So we have an email thread going with all the dates and times for various drop offs and pickups.

I don’t have any answers for you... so hard to communicate effectively. It’s all trial and error. Seems like your W also gets triggered by almost anything. (Sigh)

RyanHun #2865625 09/17/19 08:02 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 196
R
RyanHun Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 196
Wholly cow its the one year mark.

Just over two years since ILYBINILWY and the relationship ended and exactly one year since BD. I would like to say i have dropped the rope and completely moved on but I still have a ways to go. Especially this week for some reason I keep wondering if she is having second thoughts and it is driving me a bit crazy. In reality nothing has changed on her end and she likely is still committed to D. Finally after several letters from my lawyer she has come up with some sort of proposal regarding property/financial division. Nothing at all was proposed about the kids. It wasn't submitted to my lawyer though, she forwarded me her lawyers email to her asking if she wanted it submitted to me officially. She then wanted to get together with me to discuss things between the two of us in an effort to cut down legal costs. I agreed, she set up a date and time, she then cancelled last minute and for two weeks it has been me requesting dates and times that would work with no response. Yesterday I received a note from my lawyer stating that her counsel had advised we would be sorting things out on our own and not going through attorneys anymore. News to me. We can discuss some matters on our own but of course we will be going through lawyers. In any case this is likely where my feelings are coming from, the closer we get to a formal separation agreement the less she wants to actually do to make it happen. Any conversation about the parenting schedule, finances, the house and property she avoids like the plague. The only two options I see are, she is taking full advantage of not having to deal with life on her own and using me or option two she is having second thoughts. Before you all whack me believe me I know it is most likely the former.

With all that my plan of attack is to get myself re focused, request a meeting with her through my laywer and hopefully get the official separation agreement done and then I can get out into a new home.


M:33 W:32
T: 10 M:8
D9
S7
D4
Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard