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#2835085 01/30/19 11:44 PM
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Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Joined: Apr 2018
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ballast Offline OP
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Update…so my issue from this morning is resolved. She had replied to me to say that “it was a bit much sweetie” and that when she doesn’t reply right away I just keep sending texts. Now what I’m sending is more about all that I want to tell her and not pursuit/where are you type texts, but I understand that is too much for her. If she did the same to me, I wouldn’t think twice about it, BUT as we all know from being here, listening and being responsive to the feelings of our partners even if we don’t necessarily agree with them is very important. I did reply that I understood how so many texts could seem too much to her and so since this afternoon, I’m more like playing tennis or at most two texts before she replies.

Ginger1: Thank you for your input. I’m following it. As I say I didn’t see this as an issue, but if it is to her then it IS an issue and I’ll adjust accordingly. So…I’m a few years older than I claim in my signature (39), she is 29. Yeah a lot younger than me.

Stander: Yes it is a good sign. For sure when there are things she does not like, she tells me and she knows I won’t find her rude or get upset. Her approach is so open and different from the complete closed down way my WW was. I definitely validated her feelings and apologized and as I say have quickly adjusted how I text. And we have let it go. Truly learned something today as I’d never heard nor thought HOW I texted was too much, but now I know. I do agree with those rules you use and have already started using them. And yes, she is (to me at least) way younger and you are right she does see me as you describe. When we met and she asked about my job and I told her she said “oh you don’t have a job, you have a career!” It surprised her I guess because so many guys aren’t stable/settled in employment. Was funny to me to hear that. And yes, I do know that rule and I’m definitely applying it. And the rest of this week and weekend I’m GAL’ing with friends and without her which I feel is important in a new relationship just like in DB.

Yes I did learn by listening to her feelings, validating them, apologizing and correcting my behavior to address the issue. Thing is from the start she was the one to call even FT, now she has cut back on that, but then earlier this week she wanted me to call her to say good night. Now today we’ve talked about our days, but she hasn’t called or hardly texted at all since she got off work. Almost like she’s testing me saying “ok, I told him this was an issue, let’s see if he has fixed it and can handle it”. Best part is that having been through my sitch on here, detaching and letting her go I feel I’m currently expert level at. She has done more of the calling to me and I’d like to be able to make that more even, but at the same time I don’t want to run into trouble with that as I did with text. I like her a great deal, she tells me she is very excited as well that we've met, but these early weeks of getting the balance so to speak right...just seem so unsettled/uncertain. It's really amazing to me how much I have learned and grown about relationships from my time here.

Really appreciate the support on this non-DB stuff. It is very cool to realize that much of what I learned to get me along in my DB sitch is applicable as well in my future relationships.

-B


Me:34 W:40
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D Final: 6/19
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The new female in my life is also quite a bit younger than I am. She is 13 years younger. However, she likes to text lol. I am the same as you though, I text very fast and can send several at once. I purposely toned it down.

This younger woman also told me I have a career. I'm glad you are moving on and seem to be happy. Couple more months for me to get completely away from my WW and fully start my new life without her. I cant wait. But I have to wait.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
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The new female in my life is also quite a bit younger than I am. She is 13 years younger. However, she likes to text lol. I am the same as you though, I text very fast and can send several at once. I purposely toned it down.

This younger woman also told me I have a career. I'm glad you are moving on and seem to be happy. Couple more months for me to get completely away from my WW and fully start my new life without her. I cant wait. But I have to wait.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
Joined: Apr 2018
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ballast Offline OP
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So I'm frustrated IF I actually having any dating sense or clueless IF I don't...

The whole one/two text deal...makes me feel like the primary way we had to communicate day to day has dried up. Very mechanical now from how it was pre "Overwhelming" By that I mean..."How was your day?" <time_passes> "it was pretty good" <time_passes> "how was your's?" <time_passes> "could have been better" And while I enjoy any communication with her, this back and forth is boring and gonna kill any excitement we might have between us over time.

so last night she's out to dinner with the girl who connected us. getting close to the time I need to sleep and while we've done the tennis text, she hasn't called me and I not her. so in my mind i wandering if she is like "will he call me, why hasn't he called me" as we've not talked, i decide just before bed to call...it goes to immediate VM even though she is tennis chatting me. she texts me "LOL I'm drunk" "I don't want to talk while I'm drunk ok?" Now to me that makes no sense, but it is her feeling/wish and I respect it, so a single text back "ok, I understand"

deal is I don't really...as much as i've drunk talked/dialed/texted/whatever i personally don't get it and that was going to be our one chance to speak that day, BUT I guess maybe with the alcohol maybe she'd say something she doesn't want me to hear?

anyway i'm frustrated...for the first 10 days of knowing each other I thought we had wonderful open communication on text/phone...now I'm "robot world" with text, she has basically stopped calling, but she is still calling me hon/sweetie on text, says she's excited about us and other good things...this morning i decided not to text her good morning, hope you have a good day. i've been doing that every morning for like a week and i'm just thinking that being so reliable is gonna get me good guy zoned/no challenge/no need for pursuit from her and maybe that everyday is a bit much. i really do like her a great deal especially how we've communicated up to now...just feeling frustrated because I don't feel we have a way to get to know one another like we did initially.

sorry for the rambling...

-B

Last edited by ballast; 01/31/19 11:15 AM.

Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Joined: Apr 2018
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ST...yes I was mindful of the content I text, but not the number of texts..clearly that is just as important even though she could text me that way and I wouldn't even think about it.

And yes, I am happy and moving on. Completing the financial splitting with my soon to be exW, sign the agreement and then she can file away. I would very much like for Miss Sunshine to be a part of my new future, but I'm hoping against hope that I don't screw it up. There just so much promise but uncertainty/confusion at the same time in terms of getting to know someone new. So much of DB is serving me well, but clearly so much I still have to learn. she is worth it for sure I fee. fingers crossed.

best of luck to you in your sitch and with your new lady!

-B


Me:34 W:40
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Ok, so I’ll be 39 this year myself and I 2 years ago I dated a 27 year old. It’s different he was about calling me ALL THE TIME. He would leave my house and call me on the way home. It made me nuts. I have a full time career and a daughter. I have to say , for 29 , I give her props for communication . She told you what she wanted in terms of a good night call:text, and told you what she felt was overwhelming. She seems inconsistent since things took off fast, but I think she is feeling out what works for her and what doesn’t.

About things coming so strong out of the gate..... it’s got to die down somewhere . Can’t keep that pace forever and that’s why I worry about the ones that’s come on so strong, from my experience, they fizz out just as quick.

AS made the best point. We don’t get to tell others how they feel. She felt overwhelmed, so she was overwhelmed, even if you feel she shouldn’t be. I think we all have done that wrong in our M’s or R’s.

And pure curiosity. How do you NOT see 10 texts with no response plus a phone call with no reasons was NOT overwhelming?!? That is your truth, of course, but yeah..... when someone sends one line texts after another, it’s like poking someone repeatedly.

So, communication all day throughout the day can’t be entertained. Phone calls every night? How do you do that with a kid?!? My phone calls have ended since the birth of my daughter 11 years ago. When 9:30 comes around and she’s asleep, so am I, lol

In reality, you won’t get the chance to have a phone call every day. Some days might just be good morning and goodnight because we got jobs, lives , kids....

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 5 months there is always a good morning and good night ( sometimes no goodnigbtt bexause one of us passes out, lol, but we learned that about each other. Some days we are much more chatty than mother’s, not so much, depending on how life is happening.

Live in the moment. Don’t plan your future with her already. Stop worrying about “screwing it up” I’m guessing she’s the first since your ex? Well, truth is she may not be your future. But let her be your present and learn and grow from this.

DB comes in very handy while dating!

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Sorry I´m not joining too much here B. Too much work here.

Just use the basics of DB everytime. Not only they fit but they let you get the best of yourself.

Take your time, be patient, relax. Don´t get into too much mind reading. It gets you anxious. You don´t need that.
Keep believing in Ballast, he is the right guy! PMA man!

So keep getting into amoafwl and go with it.

Sending hugs and patience waves from the summer here.

Feel the freedom B!

(((B)))


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B,

Ginger hit on a lot of the things I wanted to comment on. Do you guys get together? Definitely mix things up with your contact, don't become predictable. You have to give her time and space to wonder about you.

Don't over analyze. Relax and enjoy the the experience and don't look too far into the future.

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Ginger...yeah for sure we are not we are not calling all the time. And I am very happy with her communication. She has been proactive in contacting me, she is open/honest in her needs, she is apologetic (even though there's no need for her to be) when she is busy and can't talk. Yes she is attractive, but these deeper positive traits of her personality are really making me more interested in her. She is way younger than my WW, BUT seems much more mature and adult. She is telling me my needs and I am LISTENING and adjusting myself accordingly. And I don't feel like my doing so is losing who I am. And yep you are spot on in saying "to me" she seems inconsistent as we definitely took off WAY fast and we have been backing off from that as we've gone. I definitely want her to feel comfortable with the pace so I want to work with her to find that balance. Just going from fast to pulling back to where we are now...uncertainty has crept up for me. I'm countering that by GAL'ing, doing my thing and putting no pressure on her.

Yep, Ginger I was worried about us burning out so I really am fine slowing it down. I see potential between us and it would be a shame to go crazy fast and burn it up. Definitely from being here I'm aware of not telling others how they feel. Also from being here though, I have learned to validate their feelings on how they feel AND adjust myself to address issues they may have. Never had that chance in my sitch, it is refreshing and adult and grown up feeling to feel like I'm communicating and working with my partner.

On the 10 texts...I mean if I had one stream of thought to share with her, would it matter if I put 4 sentences into one text OR I broke those out into 6-8 texts? For me, she could write War and Peace and it wouldn't bother me. I just don't associate any pressure with it. She actually sends like a paragraph at a time sometimes, BUT it's only one text. The main thing is that it was making HER feel uncomfortable, it's valid for her to feel how she does and it was on me to adapt accordingly.

Yeah we had been doing phone calls every night. When I have D4, she is down early evening while I would stay up and so it was easy to speak. She has called when D4 has been up and those have been more of an issue as I'm in full Daddy mode at that time. And yep, there won't be calls every day. We were just in the brand newness of each other and so were on a streak. And we've already done the "hey I passed out" and missed each other. It's all about patience, time and finding the balance/what works for both of us.

Definitely not future planning with her and just being back in the dating/new relationship phase is where the "screwing it up" thought comes from. She is actually the 2nd since my ex, but in the 1st it was I who made the first move, whereas in this instance she did. And yes, DB really does! What you learn here really does help you beyond your sitch!

Neffer...Thank you for your words of support. Each comment I read from you, just had me nodding going "yep, yep, yep". Heck SHE has already told me I'm the AMOAFWL and I know I'm a catch. What got me was just how fast we took off and have since been pulling back. I know that's a very smart thing for us, but just takes time/patience to really try and see if we can build a solid relationship. For the confusion I've expressed, I'm more than happy to take the time with her. :-)

LH...Just as with what Neffer said...I'm taking every single word of that to heart.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
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