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Did, I am sorry, but you are even more inconsistent than she is. She is actually pretty consistent. She keeps you on the hook because you allow her to, but otherwise, her path doesn't seem to be changing. You schedule a lunch, talk for 2 hours, tell her how you are becoming a better version of yourself, tell her about a book, then she asks about it and you say "what should I do, go dark?

You are mind-Fing me, I imagine she is feeling the same way. Your words don't match your actions at all. Her words and actions seem to match, even if they aren't going in the direction you want them to.

You want to write a book, you have started a blog, but you really need to live it for other people to relate to it! If you want to help, talk is cheap, but actions are where people follow.

Please stay consistent. having these long lunches, telling her about the things you are doing, then say you are going dark, do it for about 2 minutes, then revert, how can she trust you and your changes if your words and actions don't match? But that doesn't even matter. You need to believe and live them

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
You need to believe and live them


This be a headshot!

Did, Ginger hit it. You haven't trusted the process since you got here. Your inconsistency stems from that. Believe the vets here. You can't DB half-heartedly. Those that struggle the most try to both pursue and pressure, while trying to do some DBing along the way. DBing is something you live, not something you dabble in.

Last edited by Cadet; 01/30/19 04:35 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message

M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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I am always good for a headshot.....

I sued to be here under a different name. I actually joined in 2008 as a scared 27 year old with a 6 month old baby who's husband just left her for another woman.

I was just about the worst DB'er ever. Probably because my ex had been pretty horrible to me for 9 years and I was fed up and all my anger from those years plus what he did came pouring out. I was inconsistent, dark, not dark, I hated him, I loved him, I let him know it all. My ex was way out the door. He was having an A since my pregnancy. They will be married 8 years on April Fool's day.

I wish I would have DB'd more consistently from the beginning for my own sake. I was a hot angry mess. I was also the only one who was affected. I was the one losing. When I detached, and I DB'd for me, my life became infinitely better and more peaceful.

You keep saying you are leveling up, but it almost seems like you aren't really going to do that until she does, and you could be waiting forever for that.

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Did, I've followed your sitch for a long time. You have consistently been given advice to not give, and then gave, and/or stop support and pursuit, which you always decided in your own logic and thinking that you "should" do. You have always come to this board with great stories and great resolve with ideas only to fold days before your own deadline and cave into what you could in some convoluted way to justify your actions. "I am done with this and am done with all support as of Feb 1". Then to say that " well, I think I agreed to July 1 to being a year, so I should maybe go ahead an give that to her to be the awesome husband that I know she sees me as". Not a total quote as I embellished the last bit, but you get my point. She doesn't see you as awesome. She doesn't even see you except as a cash register that is she leans against with a body part that you are interested in, she can cash. Sorry to be so blunt, but that is what I see. You seem intelligent. You seem to hear and understand what the veterans are telling you here on this board. Yet , time and time again YOU CHOOSE, yes, I said it, you choose to do the exact opposite of both their points, and the points you have made yourself in order to prolong this daily agony that you are in. My personal situation is to F'd up it is unreal. But I have cut off all contact and any support except with regard to my children. Am I happy about it, do I want a divorce, He!! no! But I have to, at some point, stand for myself and my children and say "enough is enough" I am too good a person to be treated this way. Did, Your W is not the person you remember in your mind. You are projecting and remembering a person that no longer exists. Can you save it? Who knows! But if you keep doing what you are doing, you are only prolonging your time, agony and financial responsibility for the unforeseeable future.

Do yourself a favor and draw the line that I have seen you draw countless times and haven't followed through. Follow through THIS time and see what happens. Either it is done, or in time she will decide to work on your MR Either way, at least you are at a point where you can move on. Together or apart. The choice is always up to you. Make it your decision, take control, be the man you are for only yourself and your D4!


M51 W44
T21 M18
D14 S11
BD date 9/17
W filed 02/18
W withdrew petition following week
In house separation 03/18
In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18
W is moving out by mid Nov 2018
A drawing up paperwork 11/18

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Please start a new thread and link the threads together.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by Did
Thinking about it I do reallymiss her.


I miss my wife. I don't miss my ex. My ex is not my wife. She is not the person that swore to love, honor and cherish until death do we part. She is not the one that never left my side when I was sick. She is not the one that snuggled up to me on cold nights to warm her bootie. She is not the one that gazed at me when I played with the kids like I was the Greatest Man that had Ever Walked the Earth. She is not the one that loved me unconditionally. I'm sorry Did but the woman you fell in love with is gone. You are clinging to memories. You don't want to let go of this current person she is because you are hoping beyond hope that the person she was will somehow rise back to the surface. It's not going to happen. Hang onto the memories but let go of the fantasy.



Last edited by job; 01/31/19 04:44 PM. Reason: Removed link to new thread since Cadet and I were posting at the same time

Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Me-67, D35,S34
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