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In one of two books Michelle has written, that I just completed BTW ,she mentions watching a therapists reaction when you ask him or her the success rate that they have saving marriages versus couples getting divorced...She mentions how you should be able to read the therapist by their reaction to that question....I asked our therapist last night that very question to which he thought for a minute and responded to it and in an effort to not prejudice anyone on this forum I will not answer that till I get some opinions from you veterans as I am a COMPLETE NEWBIE here.. What should I be listening for,what body language should I have expected,etc,etc,?? ,,I think I know some of the answers to this BUT I would love to solicit my friends opinions on this forum before I reveal his answer which I definately will,,,,,Please share your expertise with me gang.....
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Yep, marriage counselors do great when both parties buy in.
Where they fail is in how they tell people to just go share their pain with the cheating spouse who no longer cares about them and just perpetuate the narrative of a needy, desperate, dramatic left behind spouse.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
My MC told me that the majority of people come to MC 2-4 years too late. Usually, one person is already done and is there to:
1) validate their decision to leave by exposing all the other person's issues 2) help the other person to accept their decision to leave with a neutral third party in the room 3) tick the box that they "tried therapy" to maintain appearances with friends and family
In this situation that one person is already done there is probably a zero percent success rate for any MC. In addition, I believe that they make the situation worse because they encourage the "standing spouse" to divulge all their thoughts and feelings which comes across as pursuing behavior.
When one person wants out and one person wants to keep things together, overt pursuit is the enemy.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Cadet,thank you for ALL your help it is amazing...I did read two of Michelles books Divorce Remedy as you suggested,and Sexless Marriage BOTH incredibly amazing books...Thank you for that.Magicman....I will check out your links as well....I will be communicating on this board...
Success is a relative term. For instance, if the course of counseling a therapist finds out that the husband is physically abusive. Is success keeping the couple together? NO! It would be getting that W out of a physically dangerous situation.
My wife and I had successful MC. But that is because as ovrrnbw and others stated, we both were in 100% committed to working on the marriage. She wasn't for the first couple of sessions, but then she got on board after that.
The key is finding the right therapist/counselor. If one isn't working, switch. Too many folks make this mistake.
M(51), W(52),D(16) M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Can someone help me understand this ?...Last week after not having sex since late September my potential WAW comes up to me and says lets go make love after sleeping in seperate rooms for over 2 months already ?? It was amazing we both agreed afterward BUT she made it clear to me I am to remain in my seperate room to sleep with no expectation at all going forward to have it happen again so as to not give me any false hopes of reconcilliation ?? Man as a guy thats hard to understand ?? Help me out here..WTF just happened ??