Thank you, peace, job, and DnJ. Appreciate all your support. Dropped off wife at airport with kids crying in the car wanting her to stay or leave with her. Last day of wife here was truly representative of my situation since we separated in 2017. She hardly spoke to me, did not help around the house with changing diapers or cooking or cleaning when it was time to leave, and then abruptly just said “thank you”, not even looking at me; storming off into the terminal. I could not even say thank you or saying warmly/fondly that I would miss these times when we were all together, but I realize now that it was better that I did not. I really do not know why she would leave so meanly- no reason at all. She is getting her divorce with little impact to her life.
You have to understand...the wall that she has built up around her may have crumbled just a wee bit during the visit and the MLCer can't have that. Why? Because, in their minds, they have to have justification for leaving because all of the blame tends to be pointed to us and the relationship. So, in order to maintain her distance from you and the family, she has to be mean and angry to get through her day around you. If she had softened up during the visit, she would have been emotional and it would have made her stop and think about what was and not how things are today. This journey is about HER, not YOU! You didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her.
Trying to analyze the whys and what fors will drive you insane. You did nothing wrong and you have to accept that. Whatever happened to her, happened when she was a child. Depression is about things of the past and anxiety is about things of the future. Anger is part of the depression.
Be there for your children. Love them and let them know that they are loved by both of you, regardless of how she behaved. Keep the focus on you and your children and do what you need to do to survive.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I remember those days son would cry as XH left he was 5 and he told me it hurts when dad leaves and it did hurt all of us-
so I get how hard it can be to watch them go
but as Job said this is not about you or them-
the MLCer will usually become very robot like-no feeling In my opinion, to avoid all pain they need to shut down emotional side as best they can Most use drugs or alcohol or overworking ect
Many get worse over the years because we were not meant to shut down to avoid pain we were meant to feel..heal grieve cry and mourn
so allow your kids to feel the pain- comfort them and get therapy and comfort for you this is a hard road- to be a single parent but extremely rewarding keep moving you did great you will heal get support- join a group/ u tube videos- and God usually provides help along the way
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you peace and job. Your words make a lot of sense. I moved my stuff out of the siblings house this evening. Everyone was home but stayed away from me. No one helped me move the bed down the stairs; basically ignored me. Sent a note to the sibling thanking the fam for letting me stay and wishing them well. You are right, job. I bet they already regret what they did.
Moved into new apartment as well after flying youngest ones back home solo. Wiped from a long day and survived!!!!
Black - That sounds like a very long day. I am glad you got your stuff moved to your apartment. Good for you sending a note, even when no one helped, taking the higher path - awesome.
Get a good sleep, shouldn’t be to hard after all that work.
Stay strong.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you, DnJ. Officially moved in apartment and now working with STBXW to finalize divorce decree. I do not see her changing her mind now. Grass looks greener to her on the other side; so if she ever wanted to reconcile it would be after we are divorced since there is no legal separation where I live. I noticed recently that she texts me more than usually, about things I do not see as things you should text about. Do not know why
For many of them, they have this "need" to go through with the divorce in order to start fresh. Some will want to be "friends" after the divorce, but "friends" means something different that what we would consider as friends.
Yes, she will contact you quite a bit about things that do not need to be addressed. She realizes that she has to start doing these things herself. They do not understand what the word "divorce" means. If you feel that the texts are not of importance or need an answer right away, just sit on them for a while. She will need to learn how to things on her own and not have you (her substitute father figure) rescuing her.
It's time to really put the focus on you and you family. It's time to let her go a little bit and allow her the freedom to find herself on her own. She truly needs to grow up and the only way to do that is to allow her to make her mistakes and learn from them.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Interesting, job. What does friends mean to the mLC? Yes, some of her texts are things she needs right away and others are just comments about the kids. As long as she has her parents and siblings (more so her parents) nearby to support her and enable this fantasy world, the more she will stay in fantasy world. Will do on leaving her be - I do not write her unless she does.
You are right, those enablers will prop up her fantasy world. Those are her friends.
An MLCer is all emotion, and cranked to 11. They are also childlike, regressed to the time of their trauma(s). Imagine a ten year old in the playground, and their friends. One day best friends, the next “I hate you”, the next friends again. It is all about what can you do for me right now, for the MLCer or that kid. Their friendships are very much in the moment, which can and will change in a heart beat.
They are not friends you can count on, or will be there for you in both the good times and the bad times.
The definition of friend is much different to the MLCer than to us. You don’t have to look to far to see examples of your friends, people who are standing by you in some pretty bad times. Her friends will come and go, as she uses them, very few if any will be there for the long haul.
In an early conversation between W and I, she told me about these people she literally met 6 weeks prior, she said with much attitude “These people are my true friends”. Just like a child. She just dismissed and waved away the mentioning of real friends that have known her for 20, 30 years. Those people were dumped in a snap, they were not enabling, they knew the old her.
black, from friend to friend, getting an apartment and working with STBXW is wise and proper. You are doing very well.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
