New thread- Newcomer pre-bomb drop

[LH19]

B,

Here is the problem. Is she coming back to the relationship because OM is dumping her or is it because she wants to reconcile? Based on what you wrote I think it's the former. It will never last.

Have you read other threads on how hard piecing is for other posters? Joe2017's W came back because she got dumped by OM and had some bad flings and he had to end things after months or trying to reconcile. He put his kids through the entire process again and put himself through hell again.

I am not saying reconciliation is not in the future for you but you can't just jump back in like nothing happened. IMO you will be making a big mistake.

[sandi2]

She should think you are finished with her. Even if she accuses you of "quitting". She has to feel that you've dumped her b/c she has lied time after time. Don't believe anything she says.

It always amazes how fast a WW can jump from texting about why she just had to contact OM one more, maybe even throw in a "I'm sorry".......and immediately ask about the upcoming vacation trip all within the same range of texting.

Your boys are big enough they don't have to her along on the trip. Make it a guys only trip, and leave her home. I mean,...........seriously!

Resist the temptation of saying too much, Bern. Don't go into explaining things to her. She knows she is rotten! She may apologize and claim she wants to save the MR......but she was seeing OM as recently as when?

If she goes to you, and depending on how much she pleads for another chance.........this might be the opportunity to get her to agree to no contact of any type with OM.....ever. The WW will usually agree to that much, even when they don't intend to keep their promise. If she agrees, then tell her the only way you can consider staying with her, is for her agree and cooperate in being fully transparent.

As for you confronting her at this point, or going to MC just to see if she'll come clean........why bother? She's not going to tell you any more than absolutely necessary. She is a liar, and a cheater. Stop expecting her to act otherwise. Don't make any moves until you talk it over here.

I'm in a big hurry right now, and have to leave for a little while. I'll check back in an hour or so. Keep us updated.

((hugs))

[Bern19]

Thanks everyone... I am holding off on any talks with her until I'm confident in my plan of action. The OM's wife has offered to get me additional info on the details of the affair so we can compare notes to give us the best view of what, when, etc. I'm not sure it's a great idea to be communicating with the OM's wife, but to this point she's been thinking that her and OM were working on their marriage. Only to be blindsided by this photo. I was at least suspicious of my WW. She was floored and just finally got full disclosure from him last night. Only reason I want to talk with her is because his full disclosure was significantly different from my WW's.

[Ready2Change]

Please do not reveal what you know or how you know details. Only reveal that you DO KNOW.


"We both know you are lying" goes a long way. Make sure OMW understands this. Do not let the cheaters know you two are communicating.

[ovrrnbw]

I would get all the details you can from OM's wife. But you don't need to explain stuff in detail to your wife. Just let her know you know she is a liar, and stand firm on that. Look her in the eye. Let her know how disgusting it is. You do not explain how you know, what you know, or go into details.

And if your W begs for another chance, the answer is not yes or no, not right now.

Take some time and space and get away from this for a while. Can you get out of town for a few days?

[Bern19]

Ok, had a long text convo with OM's wife. Her husband has sold out my WW and the lies they concocted about the events & timeline. Became physical in October/Nov of 2014. Not January of 2017 as the wife claimed. So 4+ years, not 2. Met for sex several times a week (most times in my house) with a short break in March of 2018. I know enough to know the OM isn't the most reliable source for info, but when it comes to general details, it makes no sense for him to change the timeline to well before what he knows she told me.

OM's wife then told me that he quit his job this morning. No notice, just done. Spilled the whole thing to their supervisor and walked out. Super called my wife in after and said that they are required to notify administration. So, wife texted me to tell me about it and how she thinks she should quit because everyone is speculating and she can't take it. I don't know that administration isn't going to make that decision for her, but it does hurt to see her in so much pain. No matter how well I feel that i've detached, I obviously still care for her. Am i crazy? If this was happening to anyone else I'd be like, "Hey you made your bed, now lie in it". I told her that I'm willing to listen to her talk, but that I know everything and I won't listen to her lies any more.

[ovrrnbw]

Your W can't take it? That's just grand. If only she cared about you as much as her job. Screw her pain, Bern. What's she doing to right the ship?

You aren't crazy, you're just emotionally attached. So am I. So what? Are you working to change it? I am. Have you been betrayed enough? I have.

You shouldn't tell her you're willing to listen to her. She's only lied to you for years, what's a few more hollow words? Words are wind.

[Adam04]

Bern, think about what you are going to do. You are emotional and she is being forced to do this, not out of love for you. Don't feel pity for her and put that over what you deserve.

So since you know everything, don't offer that. See if she really comes clean and then if she doesn't? What are you going to do?

If the OM told his W 4 years and you just out of the blue know its 4 and somehow let that slip, they will figure you out. They'll know.

4 years... that [censored] man, so sorry to hear about this.

It hurts you to see her in so much pain about the A , OM and being exposed? Bern, when I first read your thread, I thought you had clear boundaries about this and were about enforcing them. What caused you to change your stance? 4 years Bern, Im angry for you buddy.


Let her hit rock bottom without your help.

[Bern19]

Update: I decided (against many's advice) to attend one last MC session with my wife, mostly because our MC is also my IC and I wanted to be there to counter any falsehoods or outright lies by the WW. Wife admitted to having conflicting feelings for OM. Claims that there has been contact still, but nothing sexual. She admitted that she did feel like she was in love with him. Also admitted to the longer timeline, of the affair. Said that she no longer feels the same way about the OM as he's shown his true colors by choosing to stay with his wife, even though he was feeding her the idea that they weren't going to be able to make it work and that if he could just get one of their two houses sold, he would be able to leave her and they could be together. It is during this time period in December that the WW texted him the dirty pics. However, WW claims that she started to get cold feet and decided that she didn't want to leave and told him that. Once she told him, his attempts to suck her back in intensified, and he began to get sloppy in his attempts to communicate with my WW That is how his wife caught him with the pic. Once the SHTF, he got her to agree to meet one more time during work to get closure. Turns out his wife suspected he'd reach out to her and she caught them together. She confronted them both, got rather loud about it and threatened to expose them both to their work and publicly. The next day, he quit his job. Told their boss all the details of the affair, that he was still in love with my wife, but had to quit to protect her from his wife who was threatening exposure.

Now my WW has said it's over, she has agreed to NC with him, however I'm not in a position to take her at her word. I told her that and she actually seemed surprised that I don't trust her. Told her that not only do I no longer trust her, but all the lies and deceit has started to affect the way I'm feeling towards her. I told her that this has eroded the respect I had for her and that I'm happy she now knows what she wants, I'm not certain of what I want.

She asked if I wanted her to move out of the MBR, I told her that I wasn't sure. So far she has stayed in our MB. She came to me and told me that she has downloaded a book by W. Harley Jr that the therapist suggested. She got the audio version and told me last night she was already up to chapter 10. I had that book earlier in our sitch, but after reading the first couple chapters about exposure and her having to leave her job, I knew she would meet those suggestions with the same resentment and rebellion that she got us here so I kept looking and that's how I found DB.

So, wife claims to be NC, claims to be working on herself, claims to be interested in saving our marriage. If i'm honest, I've always been in the "divorce is not an option" for me camp, but now that all this has happened I find myself wondering why I wanted her back so bad? Now, for my kids sake, I'd like to keep my marriage together, but for the first time I'm struggling as to whether I can move forward with someone that betrayed me so completely.

I've been doing pretty good with what I'm calling "mindful detachment". I think that like many newcomers LBH's I misunderstood the concept of detachment. Like many, I did it with an agenda. The way I was doing it she could sense my resentment and her reaction to it kept me attached. For the first time in a while I don't find myself walking on eggshells when speaking with her because I don't allow myself to get sucked into her bizarro world. While her actions still affect me to a point, it no longer keeps me focused on her. Now, I know I haven't "arrived" and have a long way to go, but I finally feel like I'm starting to make progress. I can tell you it feels good to be thinking clearer.

I've spent most of the day re-reading Sandi's multi thread posts for the Newcomer LBH with a WW wife. It is amazing how much of what she says fits our situation exactly. Specifically the parts about her resentment and rebellion affecting her ability to love me because of the lack of respect that waywardness breeds. I often wish my wife would stumble on this site, not to see my posts, but to read everything that Sandi has written here. The similarities of being a "good girl" for so long and continuing to attend church all while living a filthy backslidden secret life are just erie. How she was unable to feel remorse for her actions and how long it took to come to grips with those emotions are both discouraging, because of the timeline, yet encouraging, because it can still happen.

So, I'll keep checking in and will continue to update. Who knows, I may even venture on to some other threads if I feel like I can add anything. So far I'm humbled by the responses and grateful for the advice and even some of the 2x4's that have come my way. This board has certainly helped me come to grips with my own issues and reading some of your sitch's has given me the confidence that everything will be OK. May not finish with the the outcome I had hoped for, but I'll be better prepared for the rest of my days either way.

[LH19]

Claims that there has been contact still, but nothing sexual. She admitted that she did feel like she was in love with him.

Bernie that should have been the end of the conversation. Everything else is a waste of time.