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You "have to confront"..,. What are you going to do if she refuses to end it yet again? B/c if your W says she's not going to cut off the OM and you stick around, what does that say?

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Then again later saying the reason she can't tell me big things is I refuse to believe her on the little things.
Lol as if she has any credibility. Sometimes you just have to laugh in someone's face when they are this outrageous.

Here's the thing, your W knows your still on the hook. If you let go of her and moved on with your life, there's no telling whether or not your W will really want back in, and your W will never really know if she really wants back in until she is put in that situation. Your W is not ready to let go of you yet, whether that's b/c of you or something else is to be seen. I had to have a similar convo last weekend, and I was scared. But if you let your fear control then you aren't really breaking this negative cycle you are in with your W. Your W knows this is wrong, you don't need to spend time convincing her. You just need to decide if you're going to keep living like this.


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Bern19 Offline OP
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OM's wife texted me a bunch of new info late last night and this morning. Looks like the affair was going on closer to 4 years than the 2 years she owned up to. I had a feeling she was trickle truthing me about that and many other things. She texted me about how she loves me and made a big mistake contacting him, but she was only contacting him because she felt bad for him. Said he came to her and told her he was thinking about drinking again. Yes, he's a recovering addict. She knows it was wrong and is very sorry. Then the kicker.... she goes on to say she's willing to do the work and that things have been getting better. BUT.... she "can't live her life with me bringing it up or thinking it's going on, over and over again. It's over and I need you to believe me." So, in one paragraph she goes from being ready to do the work to just let it go and I need to believe her... Right!??!


Me- 47
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Originally Posted by Bern19
Then the kicker.... she goes on to say she's willing to do the work and that things have been getting better. BUT.... she "can't live her life with me bringing it up or thinking it's going on, over and over again. It's over and I need you to believe me." So, in one paragraph she goes from being ready to do the work to just let it go and I need to believe her... Right!??!


Sounds to me the like the affair is fizzling out and now she wants to get back together with you and dictate the terms of the reconciliation. WTF?

B your w has lied to you cheated on you multiple times if you are thinking recon and not on your terms you will most likely be back here again in a few years.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Sounds to me the like the affair is fizzling out and now she wants to get back together with you and dictate the terms of the reconciliation. WTF?

B your w has lied to you cheated on you multiple times if you are thinking recon and not on your terms you will most likely be back here again in a few years.


That's exactly what i was thinking. WW doesn't know the OM's wife has been feeding me all the info from her H as he comes clean. I guess I knew I'd get the whole truth eventually, but I was hoping it would have come from my ww. There is something to be said for owning your mess and coming clean. It takes nothing to realize your lies are exposed and you have to admit to them.

We had a pre-scheduled MC session for this Saturday that I was planning on skipping. Not sure if I should tell her that I'll go, but only if she uses the hour to come completely clean. I know I'm not anywhere near R, so I'm not sure if I should just step back and let her hit bottom?

I think she is seeing that she may have blown her chance with me, and the OM is finally moving on and she's left alone. I know she is terrified of being alone. 3 months ago I jumped at the first sign she was ready to R. Shortly after that, she's sending boob pics to the OM. I think I've learned that lesson and will take this very slowly. Right now I'm not to worried about whether she's comfortable or not.


Me- 47
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B,

I would skip the MC session and start GAL like a madman. When she is ready to come clean and do whatever it takes for you to give her another chance you can reassess at that point.

You do not want her back just because she was dumped by OM because you will be a place holder until the next OM2 comes around.

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B, so your W has basically been having an A for at least half your M and lied about it throughout. She's only fessing up now because she's been backed into a corner of lies, and even then she only tells you half-truths. I agree with LH, cancel the MC and tell W you're canceling it. If she asks why then tell her you are done being disrespected, lied to and cheated on. As soon as she opens her mouth then hold your hand up, turn and walk away. Do not share any of the additional info that you have with her because what does it matter, you already know A) she's a cheater and B) she's a liar. Confronting her further about it is just a waste of your time. Listening to her explain/ reason/ negotiate is just a waste of your time.

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Not sure if I should tell her that I'll go, but only if she uses the hour to come completely clean.


No. Don't go, don't ask her to "come clean", just go dark.

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I'm not sure if I should just step back and let her hit bottom?


Yes you should.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Ok, so the wife has texted me a couple times today and I've just let them go. No response from me.... she just sent another one asking if I want her to move out of the MB. Now, she did spend about a week out of the in the guest room after D-day, but then she said she wanted to work on the marriage so I said she could come back to bed. Do I ask her to leave again or just not even reply?


Me- 47
Her- 43

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S-18
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S11

Together 23 years
Married 21 years

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I would say "yes , until I decide what I want, its best for you to sleep in the guest room".

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I agree with LH, although I might suggest shortening the reply to just "yes". Forgive me if you've discussed this in your thread already, but since moving back has she just basically been sleeping in the bed with you or has there been any intimacy/ cuddling? I only ask because it will help clarify the level of her cake-eating. If there's been no intimacy then she's just been doing it to keep you placated.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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AS, yes there has been intimacy. Not better or worse than before, but a slight increase in frequency.


Me- 47
Her- 43

S-20
S-18
S-13
S11

Together 23 years
Married 21 years

EA confirmed 11/13
EA "ended" 1/14
PA confirmed 10/18
Started MC 11/18
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