After reading much on the MLC forum, I think it’s time I spent more of my energy here. I realize I have been in this for a long time, much longer than when I arrived here, and all the signs are of a H in a MLC. I believe it’s a lot more than MLC, going much, much deeper over decades of H feeling lonely within himself, abandoned, and unable to develop a strong emotional attachment to me, his kids, or his friends. He seemed to develop emotional attachments to his affair partners – two in the last 8 years especially. Well, at least HE thought they were strong attachments. As soon as he was caught, though, he went immediately NC. I find this interesting. If they were his soul mates, how could he so easily go NC, unless in some part of him deep down he wishes he could truly repair our M and be happy with me Maybe that’s what he would like to do, but doesn’t think it’s possible given our lack of connection for much of our 27 years together. We are good friends, but he wants that strong, intense bond. Well, maybe we’d have it if he didn’t give so much of his energy to other women. *sigh* I sound bitter, but I’m not. Just a little pi**ed at the situation
So, I am coming to the close of month 3 of H out of the house. He will spend Christmas Eve overnight to Christmas day at the house. I don’t plan to ask about what he will do in month 4, and won’t initiate any R talks.
I’m in this for the long haul, I know, unless I get sick of waiting and decide I choose a life without H. Not there yet, though.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-64, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
MLC is not just about the car or the woman or spending...the main ingredient is depression. They are mourning the loss of their youth and are trying to figure out what they missed out on as kids or very young adults. It's about them being emotionally stunted at an early age. It could have been by a parent or an authority figure. They may have not been admired, validated or encouraged in whatever they were doing. They could have been abused or treated as if their feelings did not matter. All of this plays into the MLC.
A couple of things:
Have you been checked for STDs? If he's out there and returned home, you want to make sure that you do not have any those gifts that keep on giving.
Keep an eye on your accounts and home mortgage. They like to spend funds...so check your credit history every so often.
A question for you...what may have transpired 18-24 months ago? Something had to trigger his trip into MLC.
Keep the focus on you and your family. Leave him to figure things out, i.e., space and time. I think you've already figured out quite a bit of what to do.
Please continue posting!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
MLC is not just about the car or the woman or spending...the main ingredient is depression. They are mourning the loss of their youth and are trying to figure out what they missed out on as kids or very young adults. It's about them being emotionally stunted at an early age. It could have been by a parent or an authority figure. They may have not been admired, validated or encouraged in whatever they were doing. They could have been abused or treated as if their feelings did not matter. All of this plays into the MLC.
All of these things are 100% applicable to my H, especially depression, and his low self-worth. Lots of issues in youth - adopted by parents that were emotionally vacant. His mom ended up being bi-polar. I think he's been in a MCL many, many years. He blames it on our inability to develop and/or maintain a "deep emotional connection". Now after all that's occurred, and there is plenty, he doesn't know if he can "give me what I deserve" or recover from his self-loathing. I think he's clinically depressed, also, and has been most of our married life. I pray daily that he will discover God's grace, and begin to heal his soul. Not to R, but for himself.
How did it come about that H will be home for Christmas
How are his relationships with the kids
Is he receiving any treatment for depression
Is he self medicating
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
This is a 2nd attempt. First one didn't show up. I hope it's not a duplicate!
Originally Posted by Gordie
How did it come about that H will be home for Christmas
I originally told him he needed to discuss with the kids about making arrangements to see them at Christmas. He sent a snarky message back “meaning? You don’t want me there for Christmas?” I posted about it in my Newcomers thread. So, he met with the kids and messaged back “they want me to come Christmas Eve and stay until Christmas day”. I originally told him I didn’t want him spending the night, but then said I reconsidered and it was o.k. I reevaluated my reasons, and decided I really don’t care one way or the other, and was just trying to “stick it to him”. Cake-eating, I know. I will definitely look at holidays differently in the new year.
Originally Posted by Gordie
How are his relationships with the kids
I’d say O.k. Not deep. He wouldn’t even go with me on the 2 hour drive to tell the kids we were separating. He took them out to lunch today and spent a couple of hours at the house. My kids know I’m their rock. And we are very close. I’m thankful for tha.
Originally Posted by Gordie
Is he receiving any treatment for depression
Nope. He did a trial of meds about 8 months ago at my insistence for about 10 days. He didn’t like how they made him feel. Too drowsy. Well, maybe that’s because he refused to stop drinking alcohol.
Originally Posted by Gordie
Is he self medicating
Probably with alcohol. I thought he was drinking a bit too much prior to me asking him to move out. I felt I was being dragged down with him. In the depression, having one too many. Etc. He’s also addicted to porn I think. I’d say that’s self-medicating, too.
On the day he moved out, I hugged him and told him I had hoped he would find whatever it is he was looking for. And I really do. I know that I am finding my happy self, and I like it. I am determined to have a happy life, with or without H. I hope we can R. I really do. 27 years is a lot to give up. But, I don't think H has done ANY self-reflection in the 3 months he has been gone. So, in the meantime. I plan to live a full life. And I am.
I have been reading some of the sitchs on this forum and realized several people have been truly doing a marathon! I've read that the MLC journey is a marathon, and not a sprint, but years of limbo? I'd be curious to hear from some of you about why you are willing to live like that for so long, and what keeps you going. Especially in light of the fact that your MLC spouse isn't showing any progress.
I'm only in month 3 with H out of the house, but his (our?) issues started years ago. Looking back, probably about 8 or 9 years ago it really kicked in. So, in reality maybe I've been on this journey a lot longer than I think. A few people ask "at some point you need to decide what you're going to do" I guess force a resolution is what they mean. But, I'm getting on with my life, and not interested in dating, so I figure there is no rush. Maybe that's what you marathoners think too?
Anyway, the potential this could go on for months and years is daunting, and I'll need to pray about it.
If your h has been exhibiting signs of a crisis for a long time, it could very well be that he actually never grew up at all. This can happen if they aren't allowed to go through the growth spurts, i.e., quarter life crisis when they came along. For example, we all navigate those growth spurts at the early ages of the teens, 20's, 30's, etc. If we aren't allowed to navigate them and complete them, then a full blown crisis takes place later in life.
My xh was one of those who didn't navigate his quarter life's and when he hit the 40's...it became a full blown crisis. He never grew up and he's still out there acting like a young adult. Will he grow up? I seriously doubt that he will because he wants a momma to take care of him and he's quite comfortable not wanting responsibility.
You will know when you've had enough and need to move on. No one can tell you this. You are the one living this experience day in and day out. For those who are still married and/or separated, they come here asking the same questions, but find that if they can take each hour, each day as one day at a time, they can survive. They have been given the gift of time to re-explore what they want to do, they have time to complete those hobbies and tasks that have been put on the back burner for so long, they have time to look within and if they aren't happy w/something about themselves, they can begin fixing those issues and above all else...they learn to love themselves again. We are fixers and planners...and the one thing that I learned is that I can't fix everything and the planner was tossed out years ago. We learn not to sweat the small stuff and most importantly, we learn to laugh again and live our lives to the fullest.
Grace, you are more than welcome to walk this path w/us. We will pick you up if you fall. Dig deeper for patience and keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My baking is done, my shopping is done. My cold supper buffet is prepared for after church, and I find myself reflecting on Christmas, my family, and H. The kids and I will be heading out for church soon. H will not be joining us. I asked a few weeks ago. And S21 asked a few days ago (I didn’t put him up to it!). He refused. This is the first time that H has not attended services on Christmas Eve with me in 28 years. He used to joke that he became a C & E Catholic….Christmas and Easter. I did not ask his reasons for not attending. But I do wonder. Does he feel unworthy? Hypocritical? Is he becoming an atheist? I continue to pray that he is able to discover and accept God’s Grace and forgiveness for his choices, so he can begin to heal. Maybe in God’s plan it’s not time yet.
I am thankful I have rediscovered my faith. I believe that’s why I feel mainly at peace, and I’m able to live a mostly content and fulfilling life. I want that for H, with or without MR. He will be here tonight into tomorrow. I plan to just be me, content, happy my kids are with me, and at peace. I realize it won’t be an act, because I am those things. Perhaps H will want a part of the peace, and it will ignite something within him. I hope so for his sake. But, I’ve chosen to give it up to God.
If you are hurting tonight, I pray for your healing. If you are anxious, I pray for your peace. Christmas reminds us of God’s grace, mercy, endless love, and the birth of new beginnings.
