I'm just curious, with your ex-husband, does he seem to be a great husband to the woman he's with now? Did he seem to have matured and grown over the years? Or do you still seem him acting the same way? I often wonder about the long term prospects of men like these, not because I have hope for my husband but because
I still never wanted a divorce so I still don't want to file if two attorneys suggested I wait. I'd only *need* to file if I wanted to get re-married but I don't see any prospect of that in the near horizon. I do wish, however, that someday I could find a man who I'd love as much as my original husband and who wouldn't leave. It'd be nice to have that experience in life, to have a real partner and to experience real love, but not everyone gets to have that. I'm still thankful for my beautiful daughter and I wish more than anything I could have given her a life with two parents and a nice house but I'll do whatever I can to still giver her the best chance possible in life.
The reason why I say this was a blessing in disguise is because he has not changed an ounce. He will have been married to his OW for 8 years this April. He teats her like garbage too. I've seen it, I've heard it, and I have also heard it from my daughter. And the saddest is he at times treats our daughter the way he treated me. Does he cheat on his current wife? I have no idea. I just know they are most likely together because she is willing to put up with the poor way he treats her and because he does what he wants when he wants. He hasn't matured at all. He treats me a little better now that we aren't married. He knows I have no reason to tolerate his disrespect because I am not his wife anymore.
Not for religious reasons, but I have a strong belief in marriage. I believe that you keep working as long as both parties are willing. But I believe there are a few serious ways to violate your marriage vows, and not just by infidelity. I also believe you have to look at the picture and what the actual situation is and not what it could be. I would have wanted to leave my ex by now if we were still married. Not for my sake, but for my daughter's sake. I couldn't have her see me grow up treated like garbage. She would think that's the right way to be treated and be ok with a guy treating her that way. And he wasn't going to change. he did not change. And if something is harmful to my child, I will do all I can to minimize that harm. Sure, the best bet was my H becomes a decent H and father. But I had no control over that and it wasn't the situation. Weighing the risks and benefits given what the reality is, is the best bet. NOt how it should be, but how it actually is.
To speak to finding another love. My ex was my first everything. I thought that I would never be able to find anything that compared at the time. I have dated in my 11 years when he left, had two serious, but short term R's. I have been dating my current BF for 5 months now. He is nothing short of amazing and I really love him. When I think about how I do, it almost brings me to tears. I thought I could never find this. I find myself wishing so badly we met when we were younger so we could have children together (if it progressed, that is).
All great things are possible. Even when they seem like they aren't. And I am not a divorce advocate. But there are grounds for it. Think, even the catholic religion (which I have many qualms with) will grant an annulment when vows are seriously violated. I don't believe in always looking for the next best thing, but I believe in mitigating harm.
My ex wanted to really be a dad. He was the one who suggested I go off my BC when I did (although he has a rare form of infertility which we found out, and he had surgery on his nuts, and I did IVF). He loved having a newborn.... They don't talk back, they eat the sleep and they cuddle. Anything after that he didn't handle too well. He was 28 when he left for OW and OW is 4 years older. She wanted kids. He told my best friend at a birthday party once "We fight about it, but I can barely handle one kid part-time" She is now 42 or 43 and he is 39. Kids are out. He didn't want his lifestyle touched. He gets home from work at 6:30, either goes to volleyball Monday nights or sits in his recliner and plays his phone game addictively. He doesn't even want the one weeknight he has in addition to his every other weekend because it's "too much work" I make him keep it for our daughter's sake. He will never take an extra week night if our daughter wants it, he only does it rarely when I need it. He has no interest in being anything but a part time dad. He thought he wanted to be a dad, but he only wanted minimal responsibility. He needs ot be center of attention, and he can do that with one woman raising his child, and another being his wife and raising him, lol. He cannot have one woman be his wife and the mother of his child. Which it sounds like your H. And it is who my H is. And will never change.
Nicole, I'm sorry your first date didn't go so well that you're looking forward to seeing him again. You said he's happy about his divorce and that seemed to be a turn off for you.... Would you rather date someone who moped and went on and on about how much he missed his wife? Most people would not want to put effort into dating someone like that, and I can't imagine a more boring date than someone who droned on about it. I can relate, because I think I was one of them. I did enjoy the adult interactions, thought, and it got easier with time
I can absolutely understand your lack of desire to date, and if you're not really ready to pursue that, then don't. Maybe you will eventually, maybe you won't, and either one is ok. I do hope that if you stumble into a nice guy, though, that you don't reject the prospect out of hand.
One thing to think about... The woman I'm dating now was so hurt by her husband leaving she didn't date anyone who left the marriage, only those who were left. Maybe that's a guideline you could adopt.
As far as the lawyers go, I'm sorry you weren't more encouraged, but I'm glad he's paying everything you'd be entitled to. Eventually, one of you will get to the point that you really want a divorce, and will file the paperwork. If you're not fed up with the current arrangement, then you probably shouldn't bother. From the sounds of it, though, you sound very clear that the marriage is over, so I'm not sure why you would wait. (I can think of one good reason: In PA, alimony is paid for 1/3 the time you're married, so the longer you hold off filing, you will not only receive the check he gives you as support, but the current arrangement continues for say three years, he will have to continue giving you a support check for an additional year on top of that. Maybe it's similar in your state.)
I'm really really glad your medical problems seem mostly behind you. That must be such a weight off your shoulders.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
As always, I'm in your corner rooting for you! Having read the last part of your thread it seems like you are getting some good advice here. With you going to see an L - it seems like you are taking the necessary steps to protect you and your D. I can also relate with you in the sense of anger you have for your H as he seems only self serving and worried about his own selfish desires. I hope that one day soon we can all share stories of happiness where there is some one in our lives that can reciprocate the love we have and shares similar hopes, dreams and values. Now is the time to stay focused on you and D. Enjoy that time because they grow - oh so fast! You are not alone- You have a lot of people here pulling for you. With sincere wishes of peace to you and D. (((Nic & D))) Blessings!!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Hi Nic, Most of us are here because we never wanted a D, had a hard time accepting it and will probably never be happy that it happened. But some things just are, we cannot go back change the past, control the future or our WS behavior, all we can do is just accept that we still have so much left. You have a blessing in your D, a job you are good at, some financial support by your WH and most of all you have you. Its okay to fully let him go, I dont know if you are ready to date or not it is a very personal choice, what I was suggesting previously is just focusing on you. I was in a session recently where the teacher was suggesting making a 20 item list of what fuels our tanks and doing at least half those things everyday. it can be simple things like making a cup of coffee and sitting down to drink it without distractions. Slowly these things add up, it can be watching TV, reading a book or just dancing with your D. Small things that can only make Nicole tick without extreme expectations from it. I understand D is your full time responsibility but start making your list you never know how many simple things you can find. Once we make the list and realize we are doing the item on the list, it is basically sending signals to the brain that we are feeling happy. Hope that makes sense, hugs.
You are afraid you will not find anyone that you will love the way you first loved your WH. I believe that you absolutely will... so long as you take the steps to do so.
Nic. Mr Right isn't going to randomly ring you doorbell and announce his presence. You are going to have to do the work to find him... and this time around the work will be much harder because you have to find someone who is right for you AND your D.
You may have been too harsh on the man who seemed "happy" to be D. As Ginger pointed out no likes meeting a sour lemon. He is telling you is truth but the actual truth lies somewhere in the middle. You take what you hear and you see with your own eyes over time. I often stood up and took side with my H's EW until I saw with my own eyes and my own experiences with her that he wasn't off the mark. I know my H did some terrible things in his previous M but I also know they were the actions of someone unhappily M for years. He is grateful for his children but they should have never been M in the first place.
You keep stating that you won't date because you are not divorced and still M. You won't D unless your WH pushes it forward.... GIRL you are stuck. Your WH is moving on with his life AND you are stuck. Yeah, you moved, you hardly talk to him though you will if wants to talk to you... HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU TOLD THIS MAN NO? Not enough.
I've pointed out to you many times that this man has zero fear of losing you. Not an ounce shows that you are moving past him... you've moved away to tolerate what he gives you better.
As Ginger stated she would have been divorced by now.
I want you to take some time and think - if you move to divorce you might just shake his world. Yeah he might not have to pay you any more in support but he will have to either buy out your part of the house and if he can't be forced to sell it. So you can take solace that he isn't getting to enjoy those fruits of your labor together. OR - you can silently laugh that this OW is living in a home that was never intended for her... (rather than being bitter that she is living your life.) I will tell you if it wasn't this OW it would be another.
Hon - you are an amazing person and mother but don;'t let this man's treatment of you define who you are. You need to move on. You just said it would take at least 5-10yr for your WH to get his act together so you could be together. Are you going to sit on a shelf during that time until he calls you up again... if ever? As Ginger also pointed out you are modeling behavior for your D. You are teaching your D that this is how men treat wives. Take a step back and write your D a letter. Let's pretend its your D's heart being ripped out... what advice would Nic give to D?
I totally believe in M and want to avoid D if at all possible but again as Ginger pointed out ---- M's only work when both parties are invested. I think your H knows you won't file and will happily sit and ignore how he behaves indefinitely He has probably told OW he can't M right away because he would lose the house. So here everyone sits until perhaps OW gets pregnant....
Nic you have come really far from a really dark place. You are strong but you need to see how beautiful and wonderful you are ---- you have a dear little one looking up at you!!! Just as Ginger said - she has an amazing boyfriend but she had to do the work and it meant dating others to find that perfect match. Don't be afraid... I had the best time dating... little a string of many first dates... they were each fun in their own way and believe it or not its how I found my groove back. I had the "pity" date where the guy whined and complained about his D and EW... clearly not ready to date!... to the guy who stood up and showed me how great his A** looked in these jeans he just bought... OMG. I'm still FB friends with 2 of them!!! I always walked away from a date with a great story to share... something funny, comical.
I also have an amazing first date story with my H. I left that date not planning a second one either... but he managed to pin me down for a second date and thats the date he 100% stole my heart.
Now Nic I never slept with these men... I never even kissed these men. I was out discovering the world learning who I was.... AND, Nic, that's what I think you need to do. You need to discover Nic. Nic the wonder woman, Nic the single mom, Nic who likes X and didn't even know... If you can do those things and don't use the line - I'm not divorced yet then you fine.... but if not maybe you should be... I'm not intentionally trying to be harsh but I think you use "I'm not divorced yet" as a crutch for living your life outside your WH.
Keep pushing the limits of your comfort zone. If you aren't uncomfortable then you aren't growing. You are clearly a wonderfully successful and intelligent person - that will attract many people into your life if you let them in.
I wanted to comment on this part of your message particularly:
Quote
The guy I met left his wife and said she had mental problems. As he described how she wanted to buy a house and have more kids but he ended it with her because she can't regulate her emotions I can't help but wonder about her side of the story. I can imagine my husband saying the same thing to his other woman. This guy says he offered her a chance to get treatment but the way he said he's feeling great about his divorce didn't seem right. He has a young child. He was still a respectable guy and I appreciate that he was fine with meeting as friends but there's probably no need to stay in touch.
I wouldn't be too quick to judge that. Pouring your energy, affection and love into a person who can't regulate their emotions is a waste of those precious resources. I think that is a major reason that my W left me, as I sucked the energy out of her, thinking that it was her job to fill my emotional needs and holes. I know that in looking at future relationships that is a complete deal-breaker for me. Emotional maturity and regulation is a sine qua non of a successful relationship in my opinion. You certainly got a better read on the guy than any of us did, but I would hesitate to judge him too harshly based on what you said above.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I hope you're all doing as well as possible given your circumstances. I've been swamped with work and activities these past few weeks. Several times I've sat down to post here but I'm either two tired or I get interrupted. I'll write more later but I want to offer a quick response to those of you where so kind to respond.
Ginger - too bad to hear your ex-husband hasn't changed. It's hard to imagine how someone can feel it's sufficient to be a part-time dad. It's helpful to hear this since you went through a divorce far enough back that you're able to reflect and also report back on how things progressed over the years. Your thought process about wanting to leave by now for your daughter's sake, if it hadn't happened earlier, makes sense. It's also encouraging to hear you found love again! That's amazing!
Lonewlf - your message of hope is a good one. I hope the same! I know we all have to think positive. This is an uphill battle for me but I'm trying. I hope you're doing well! I think I read recently that your wife is inching closer to divorce. Too bad there's been no miracle turnaround but you never know.
Sia - thanks for clarifying. I'll try to do more of what you suggest. I do some of those things such as making tea when I sit down to work at night and there are books that I'm trying to read. I know someday it'll get easier to do those things. I still have to figure out what the custody arrangement will look like (if anything) and what kind of nanny I can afford once we switch from private preschool to public kindergarten in the summer. Currently everything is in crisis mode without enough time or money to have a balanced life but I look forward to figuring out a better path. I hope you're doing well by the way. I want to re-read and respond to your latest post!
KitKat - I love your no-nonsense and clear suggestions. You have a great writing style! It'd be fun to meet you in person. :-) I think the days of being stuck will soon end because 1) my husband will soon file for divorce. I'm sure he will since he's living with his girlfriend and surely there's pressure from her and 2) despite my grief I'm working on a plan to start spending about 1/3 of each year in Northern Europe which will create new opportunities and a chance to spend more time with friends who are like family. I still don't want to file though. It's just not something I want to do. It has helped quite a bit to find out that this other woman is living in our home however. It clarified a lot of things. In any case, we're all multi-faceted beings and we offer little glimpses of our lives here that may not tell the whole story or paint the full picture. I'm not sure if I see myself out dating lots of guys but in certain cases if someone really has potential I'll try it. I'll write more about this in a minute but I have to start with the very basics because I've never freely dated in my life and it's not something I have any interest in doing. I'll try to learn how it all works though. Regarding the guy who seems happy to get divorced - if he followed-up and wanted to meet again I'd consider it and I won't hold his views against him. I can imagine if he's been supressed by his wife all these years he's happy to be free to breath and live again. The thing is just that we just didn't find a point of connection from an emotional perspective. I didn't reach out to him again and he didn't reach out to me. I think I'd have more in common with the type of guy who posts here in this forum than with someone who is feeling great about leaving his wife even though maybe in a year or two I'll be in a different place. We'll see.
Davide - I'll try to keep pushing the limits! I'm not sure how much more dating I want to do right now but there is a situation that's evolved that relates to this topic. I'll write about it in a minute. I can also see how emotional maturity is a big factor and should be part of a healthy relationship. It's more realistic to think that some marriages are better off ending due to issues like these even though it's hard when you see marriage as a lifelong commitment under all circumstances.
I'll try to share a few quick updates and then I hope to post more later.
Regarding my marriage situation, my husband says he's moving to our area in March but I haven't asked any questions. We haven't spoken now since the holidays aside from a few basic texts like him asking about the tax forms and me asking if he's good with us going to Europe earlier-than-planned (since he has to write a letter of permission for our daughter to leave the country). I didn't let him into our apartment again the last time he came. I struggle with thoughts of this other woman in our house but I've been busy so that helps.
Recently I've talked a lot with friends in Europe. I decided to go as soon as possible, in April or May, to work on a business venture I started with one group and to check about real estate options. If the divorce turns out well I should be in a position to invest in a small property and spend part of the year (summers, holidays, long weekends, etc..) in Europe. My employer has been supportive of this plan since most of our clients are in Europe and it shouldn't be too hard to bring my daughter. Planning for this partial move has lifted my spirits somewhat. I had been living overseas before marriage and I only came back to the US because my husband had to get a green card and citizenship. Then we planned our life here due to his career and mine being so flexible. If I don't have to stay here I'd rather leave but with a young daughter it's not that easy so I'll see if we can go back-and-forth.
About dating, I guess we all have a certain type of person we imagine meeting and falling in love with. For me I don't expect to find the type of guy I'd like to meet here in the US. It could always happen, but to me this feels like a remote possibility. At the moment I'd really like to focus on the big picture and where I want to be in the long-term. My career is going well and I think my daughter would benefit from traveling and having a lot of international experiences as she grows so I'm hoping my plan works out and maybe I'll meet someone along the way. There is a specific dating-related situation I'm currently though that I'll try to write about tonight. I'm just so clueless. I'll post a little on Ballast's thread but communicating with someone online is just a total mystery.
I think you are just too soft on your husband and he doesn't to appreciate that, rather he exploits it. He's moving to your town in March? What are you supposed to say about that? I'd look at him and say, "OK, I don't see how that affects me". Are you tired of his crap? Doesn't it seem like literally anyone could make a better partner than this?
I'm glad you're feeling better about having an opportunity to go spend more time in Europe. And if you have "your" friends there then it's all the better.
Originally Posted by NicoleR
For me I don't expect to find the type of guy I'd like to meet here in the US.
This means you and I don't have a future? Is that what you're telling me?!?! So sad....haha
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Hi Ovrrnbw, I don't really communicate with my husband nowadays but in the past I was definitely too soft. It's my fault. The hard part is when someone you love just snaps and changes and you don't even realize that your old approach no longer works. It's also hard to accept that someone you love and trust is exploits your kindness. I've done a lot of things wrong but I've also concluded that whether I'd used DB methods, no methods, pursuit, or any other method it probably wouldn't have made a huge difference. If someone is having an affair and they're in love with someone else there's not much you can do.
I think you missed the line where I said I have more in common with the type of guys that come to this forum! Ha ha. I don't know why but I haven't met any American guys in person that seem compatible but there's always a possibility! I think since I see my future elsewhere I have to stop thinking that someone here would limit the possibility of going back overseas again...maybe there are guys here who'd be open to that. Who knows. In your case Ovrrnbw if you ever find yourself single I'd say you'll do great because you've shown everyone here in this forum how thoughtful, rational, humorous, supportive, wise, and open minded you are which are all traits that women love.
I'll be the first to admit I'm not good at romance and dating issues at all. Therefore I'd appreciate a few words of advice kind of like Ballast. There's a guy from Europe that I met on a different site back in August or September. His long-time partner left him and his situation is much like ours here. We traded contact info and we were texting for a few months but just about the kind of stuff we discuss here on this forum....dealing with the exes, trying to move on, kids, single parenting, etc... Then one day he just didn't respond. Oh well. That was months ago. A few weeks ago when I found out about the other women living in our home I was really upset so I texted this guy and told him. He responded immediately and then over the course of the week we started talking about our updates and we traded a lot of photos. He's really handsome! Then he sent me a video of him teaching his kid English. Anyway, it seemed like we re-connected on a deeper, more personal level and I just barely started to think "maybe we should meet in person" when I complimented him on how he's handsome and a great dad and he just disappeared again. This whole world of communicating via text just makes no sense. There are a lot of times when I'm late responding to someone or forget to respond to certain things and vice versa so I guess this is normal in all contexts but this guy was showing interest in me and said I was beautiful, smart, etc.. and then he's just gone. I don't think I'll waste time texting anyone I don't know in person in the future.
When I tried the dating app a few weeks ago I made plans to meet up with the guy who was happy to get divorced right away. I'm glad I did because there would have been no use texting him. But sometimes you don't want to limit yourself to whoever is in your immediate vicinity and there might be a long distance so then what? I don't feel very hopeful about dating and I already wasn't enthusiastic. These are the days when you just miss being married and having a partner because it's just so overwhelming to think about ever meeting anyone again and yet it's overwhelming to think about just being alone as well.
