Moving on to the Bright Side Part 13

[Ginger1]

I'm gonna call shenanigans here and say J will push for sex and currently wants a relationship with this woman.

I have been interacted with him on this board for a year and a half and am a good judge of character.

He will not love her and leave her he is too good of guy.

I am more concerned that he is forcing himself to like her even though he admits she is not his typical type.

That's what I am concerned about. he is willing to talk himself into wanting something he doesn't to get laid. I imagine a lot of guys are doing that with her, then eventually they are like "I do not want an R with her, I rushed into it"

And you know what a person of good character would do in this sitch? Be completely honest with themselves and the other person. That's what a good guy does. Not convincing himself he wants an R to get laid and then stay with her because he doesn't want to hurt her. That isn't anymore respectful.

[LH19]

J,

Big brother and big sister are concerned lol!

Are you going to to the right thing or is the thought of the punani too strong lol?

[DonH]

And what will dad say? You’ll have to wait as I’m currently at the mall trying to do my Christmas shopping - and hating it!

[Dawn70]

Ok, so let me see if I understand what I'm reading. You meet this woman online and she's not your "usual" type, but you hit it off anyway and have 3 dates in a week. She's told you from early on that she doesn't have sex unless she's in a relationship and while there's been varying degrees of discussion about that here, you have said repeatedly that her actions are following her words. You have pretty much thrown all the advice that you and some of the others tout from the "coach" out the window by the number of dates, lots of contact on the phone, a lunch date mid-week, etc. I am one of the first ones to say to each his own and people have to do what is right for them and I FIRMLY believe that. If the advice this coach gives works for you, by all means, follow it. If she chooses to NOT have sex outside an R, then by all means she should stick to her guns on that.

You continue to tell us she's firm on the no sex until R then you tell us you are getting STD tested so that she will feel comfortable having sex with you. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........so we pressed you on that and you basically said it was so you would have that out of the way if/when it came time. Ok, I can go with that.

But now, you basically say that because she keeps blowing up your phone you are going to "take another run at it". You romantic devil, you....we women so love when men "take a run at us." I think it was LH that said women in their 40's love sex. ABSOLUTELY! I totally get the whole portrayal of the 40-something oversexed divorcee and why cougars are so sought after by younger men. TOTALLY understand those.

So, I'm very, very confused at this point. You say you don't want an R, she's not your usual type but you seem to like her ok, you refuse to have an R talk and say if she brings it up, you will shut it down, but now you are going to try to somehow coerce her to have sex (which is how I interpret "take another run at it" and if that is misinterpreted, I totally apologize). I'll say this, whether you meant it that way or not, it came across awfully disrespectful of her boundaries and of her in general and I don't really think you are that guy.

If you want an R, but for whatever reason you are scared of pursuing one, you need to be honest with yourself and her about that. If you truly don't want an R and you just want to get laid, do this woman a favor and leave her alone because I think you are playing with fire and one of you (or possibly both) is gonna get burned. There are plenty of slutty fish in the sea that will gladly hop in bed with you then walk away.

[Dawn70]

And, dammit...I hit send before I was finished with that thought, but I wonder if there is possibly a third option going on here (aside from being scared of R or just wanting to get laid). From the beginning, you have seemed very taken by the idea that she is so totally into you and in some ways, I actually think that is kind of sweet because it is nice to see people who have been taken for granted in the past get some attention. All that makes me wonder if this woman has somehow become some sort of challenge to you that you are determined to be the one who gets her to go against her usual M.O. and sleep with you without the confines of an R. I can't remember who said it the other day (maybe Ginger), but my fear is that if you do somehow get her into bed without having an actual talk, she's going to latch on in a big way and then she really is going to get hurt, which in turn is going to hurt you because I honestly don't believe that you have any intention of hurting this woman in any way. That just doesn't jive with the person you seem to be based on your posts. You just don't strike me as a callous playboy that will use a woman for his own gratification then toss her aside.

[TBSakaJ9]

Oh boy..........I am not going to hump and dump her and I am not going to violate any of her boundaries or disrespect her. I will kiss her though and see where it goes. That is what I meant by taking another run at it being a playboy is totally not my style. It is a man's job though to escalate things physically. TBH I would be absolutely shocked if sex happened (assuming she didn't hold true to her words) and if the convo comes up about a R then it won't happen. I also know I would not have sex with someone I am not attracted to. It doesn't work that way with me. I have also had really good conversation with women before that I felt nothing for when we met in person and I walked so I know I could do it again.

You all were the ones that said she would never hold true to her words. I think you all placed bets on it because you thought she was psycho for coming over to my house on date 2. Have you ever thought that I might actually be a really good guy and made her feel really comfortable????? Kitchen Lady invited me in her house on date 2 and HG had me in her house the first night and the second day. Oh and the girl from church who was the Widow as well on date 1 as well. If she would have had sex with me on date 2 you all would have told me to run for the hills J!!!!!!

According to her she has ran into problems at the 3 month mark and ends up breaking the R off. Who's fault it is I have no idea but probably a combo of both parties. I am not trying to hurt or deceive anyone. Although I assume she has probably hurt some people if she breaks it off at month 3. I guess that's ok though.

I am attracted to her. She does not have the normal body type that I like however she is very cool, a lot of fun, has great energy, and a smile that lights up the room. There is something about her personality and she is really cute. Obviously I am still learning her more deeper aspects and values so we shall see as I learn more. I won't mention what I do like about her physically or Don will tear me a new one.

I have had many 1 and done dates because there was no physical attraction however that did not happen with her. Outside of not having my normal body type the sex could be MIND BLOWING but obviously I have not experienced that yet although I do get a feeling that she knows how to handle herself.

G if I remember right you thought M was cute but you were not all in however I think you said the sex is AMAZING and your attraction to him has grown correct? I agree with RX and having sex could catapult it.

All of this coming from people who told me to expand my comfort zone J.

With that said who knows what happens with this girl. No relationship is ever guaranteed and this one would be no different if I ended up in one with her. It could end next month, 6 months from now, 1 yr or hell even tonight. All relationships will end at some point. Any time you open yourself up to be with another person you are exposing yourself to potential pain.

Nothing is guaranteed. I know I have hurt people and I know I have been hurt as well. That's part of life.

Also if we have sex it could be really fuching crappy and that would definitely be a deal breaker. She told me there was 1 guy that started crying during sex because it was his first time after his W died and some other dude that just didn't know what to do. Obviously she had sex with them and ended things because it sucked. $hit happens.

[kml]

And what will dad say? You’ll have to wait as I’m currently at the mall trying to do my Christmas shopping - and hating it!

Don - there's this new invention - it's called Amazon. You should try it sometime.

[DonH]

But now, you basically say that because she keeps blowing up your phone you are going to "take another run at it". You romantic devil, you....we women so love when men "take a run at us."

OMG I think I may have just pissed my pants after reading that Dawn. I mean, too funny - or it just hit me that way. But I too took it kinda creepy as well and not at all flattering to or typical of Joseph but I think there is truth there.

Nothing is guaranteed. I know I have hurt people and I know I have been hurt as well. That's part of life.

True enough but I think you are doing so much mind reading here and missing the bigger picture - because you are in the thick of it. That said some of us are mind reading as well but in part because I think you are making things up as you go so all we can do is take our best gut guess. I can tell you think we are coming down too hard on you and perhaps we are but by your own admission you are very much feeling your way through all of this - you'll know it when you see it. Again, fair enough but we can sense this woman is far more into you than you her. So when you say you are going to take another run at her there is truth to that statement. Yes, people get hurt all the time and it's not our jobs to prevent that but we are seeing this for what it is and this woman wants way more than you do. Clearly having sex with her is on your top 3 of priorities at this time - perhaps it's the top. For her I'll bet it's not cracking her top 5 and falls lower on the top 10. That's why we are trying to tell you that the two of you are not on the same page!!!

And when we say it's not very smart for any woman who does not know you to go to your house on the first or second date, it has very little to do with you. You can be one of the safest and nicest guys on the planet but there is no way for the women to know that!!! It has nothing to do with you and all to do with them not using their heads no matter whom it's with

Perhaps it is just part of all of this and you have to learn it on your own. I can guarentee if you look back at all of this a year from now you will face palm and say what the hell was I doing? You're too close now to see that. Even Dawn sees how you are blowing up the coaches rules - someone you claim to really follow yet you are violating his principles left and right. Dawn has never read the book. We see it but you can't - you're too close.

I can tell you this, if she does slip on her own rules and sleeps with you and doesn't get to call you her new boyfriend afterwards, she will totally regret violating her own rules and blame you on top of it. So take a run at her if you will but the girls are right -- someone here is going to get hurt - unless LH19 is correct and you really do want an R with her. Everyone here thinks he/she is correct. So who knows? I think you are making it all up as you go along and you won't know how you feel until you are there feeling it. That seems crystal clear.

.Also if we have sex it could be really fuching crappy and that would definitely be a deal breaker. She told me there was 1 guy that started crying during sex because it was his first time after his W died and some other dude that just didn't know what to do. Obviously she had sex with them and ended things because it sucked. $hit happens.

Do you really believe this? So if the very first round of sex stinks you move on? You really believe she is the type of woman to dump a guy because he cried after having sex for the first time since becoming a widower? Really? I swear sometimes you just write shlt without giving it any thought - aka taking a run at her. While new and random can sometimes be hot, it's been the experience of many that it's best with someone you are really really into and have gotten to know - including knowing what the other persons likes and dislikes are. It's not a coincidence that Ginger has said both that M feels different and better than any of the previous guys she dated and is also the best sex she's had. That's not coincidence. For my money, anyone who would find the very first I intimate encounter as a deal breaker - no matter how average it was - is not someone you want to get in an R with in the first place. It really does get better with time and as you get closer and closer. People can be taught and for that matter as the coach even writes women are not the same - what one loves the next hates.

Don - there's this new invention - it's called Amazon. You should try it sometime.

Lol yeah I know... I've even used it. That's the easy part though - ordering what you want. It's knowing what to get that is stumping me. So I was out looking for inspiration - and people watching at the same time!

[focus22]

So, just catching up on everything here...

This woman is looking for a (long term) R. She's not into having casual sex outside of this. Is that right?

Are you looking for a (long term) R J?

[neffer]

We are walking on thin ice here. I tend to think like LH and G. So there´s all kind of warning lights on.
Then what Focus is asking makes sense.

Stay strong there J9. Yep, when you have way too many brothers and sisters you get what you get...;)
And we all care about you.