I realized today that action is therapeutic. Until about noon today, my stomach was in knots over the revelation that H contacted an attorney. Then I made the decision to contact 2 or 3 attorneys to find one to have in place if/when I need them. I've been printing out all our financial statements, and noting all expenses, etc. I'm preparing all the documents that might eventually be needed in any S or D proceeding. I hope it doesn't come to that. I don't want a D. I want a new marriage with a healed man. But, I am practical by nature, and I will not let emotions get in the way of necessary action. It has made me feel better. I've sent a request for my first consultation. Hope it happens soon.
I have a terrific friend who has given me wise counsel and emotional support, and it's helped so much. We lost touch for a few years, but I reached out to her after BD, and it's been wonderful to have her back in my life. One thing we discussed was the likelihood that H would rather have someone else deliver bad news than face it himself. I think this is highly likely given his avoidance of discussing this with the kids most recently, and with me over the last several months.
Coward.
I think I deserve a glass of wine tonight. Time for another installment of my most recent favorite series and some relaxation. Tomorrow is a fresh, new day. I wonder what it has in store for me?
Grace, you do the right thing. A few weeks ago I too went to a free consultation with a family lawyer. I had had a rough few weeks. The consultation was kind of strange, officially talking to someone over D, which is the last thing I want. But I felt better afterwards. I am now absolutely certain, that I am not going to be the one who files. But if H does, I know my rights. One thing less to worry about. But let’s still keep the fingers crossed, that it won’t come to that.
I think I’m checking out of the M little by little, day by day. I feel strongly H is moving on, and using this time to start getting things in order. I think he may be seeing someone, or at least sleeping around. Why do we want to R with these WASs. What makes us hold on? Feeling comfortable with the status quo? Fear of the future? Fear of loneliness? My friend said to me last night “If H wanted to be married to you, he would be home with you”. Why do I want someone who doesn’t want me? Do I even want him any more? I’m not so sure…….
I contacted an attorney today, and her initial consultation fee is steep. She may be worth her weight in gold, but I will still search around a bit more. Hoping for mediation if it comes to that, so maybe a meeting with one is the place to start. I’ve printed out all our current statements for all our investments, and am just being pro-active and thinking ahead. Have a list of our income and expense, too.
H has been dark for 2 days. I texted him today that I forwarded to him an e-mail he needed to see, but that’s been it. I feel a black cloud hanging over me. I have GAL plans in a few minutes, and here I sit mulling over my life. I hope my evening clears my head. It’s a meetup walking group, and it’s usually a very pleasant time.
Should I be annoyed that H came over to take care of the lawn while I was at work without letting me know he was coming? Each time since he moved out he informed me the day and approx time he would come. This time he just does it when he knows I won't be home.
So with Dbing and detachment in mind, should I politely message him "I would appreciate you letting me know ahead of time when you will be stopping at the house?" Or just let it go. The last time I spoke with him was Saturday, almost a week ago, with only a few brief text messages this week about "business".
I don't know why it bothers me so much, other that I almost feel like it's an invasion of my privacy even though most of his stuff is here and we do own the house together.
Thoughts please.
P.S. I think those phone calls to from what i thought was an attorney weren't after all. i did a more complete search, and it's very likely they were work related.
Honestly Grace, I would be happy if my H took any interest in helping me with household responsibilities. But...he didn't when he lived there so why should he now? I guess you need to ask yourself why you are annoyed and what you hope to accomplish by telling him that. If that was my H and it were me, I would text him and just thank him for doing it. My 180 is to notice more when my H does something as opposed to always commenting on things he doesn't do. What is your 180? You don't need to answer that. It is mainly a question for you. I am all for setting boundaries but if you are hoping for reconciliation, him mowing the lawn without a heads up might not be the hill to die on. A compromise might be to say..."Thanks so much for mowing the lawn but, in the future, if you could give me a heads up on when you are coming, I'd appreciate it." or something to that effect. Anyway...get to the root of your annoyance and then make your decision. Sometimes the best course of action is to do nothing. Totally up to you.
I don't know why it bothers me so much, other that I almost feel like it's an invasion of my privacy even though most of his stuff is here and we do own the house together.
I feel like this ALL THE TIME. I have tried asking H to let me know when he is coming over. On some level they still think of the house as theirs. I have used reason (you don't contribute to the mortgage, I would not just show myself into your flat), legal position (we live under different roofs and legally you have to ask permission or be invited), but is like talking to a brick wall. He complies for a while, but then one of the children will forget something for school, and he will just show himself in to get it and then we start the cycle again. He finds reasons to come back. The dog needs to be walked, the grass needs to be mowed, the builder needed to talk to me, I needed to drop something off blah blah blah.
H was watching D8 a lot last week as her school were still on holidays. We agreed that he could watch her at home because this is where her toys etc are. Whilst he was here he 1. cleaned out the loft 2. painted a ceiling 3. cleaned my car (again) and 4. sorted through D12's clothes.
All very nice of him to do. But weird. I thank him (one of my 180's is to be more appreciative) and then say "can you let me know when you are coming over". Sometimes he listens. Sometimes he doesn't.
Say something like "Thank you for mowing the law. In future can you let me know when you are coming over'. The first part clearly sets out that the house (and the lawn) is yours and by cutting it he was doing you a favour. The second part states very clearly what you want.
DejaVu and FS......Thanks for the feedback. I value the input! I'm not sure why I was annoyed. Maybe deep down I was hoping to see him this week? Not really sure. We are still paying all the bills out of our shared account which both paychecks go into. We have budgeted the same amount for each of us for monthly personal expenses like going out, food, gas, shopping, etc. It's been working so far, but we are only in month 2. So, I guess in that regard it's as much as his house and mine.
I guess I should be appreciative that he still is keeping up with the lawn work once a week. One less thing I have to worry about. I don't think a thank you would be too much against the "rules". In my book, you can never go wrong with being polite. So, that's what I think I'll do.
Got GAL plans tonight (happy hour with a girlfriend), and tomorrow I will spend the whole day with D19 She can't come home from college this weekend, and misses her mommy. I'm really looking forward to spending the day with her!
You were annoyed (and rightly so) because it is an invasion of your privacy. Even if you have nothing to hide, even if he isn't snooping around your drawers, it still feels like he could be.
As noted above, I am pretty rubbish at telling H to stop. But I do understand the annoyance. It is the reason I am all fired up just typing this response. Why do they tell us they don't want to live at home anymore, then go on treating it like it is theirs !!!
You were annoyed (and rightly so) because it is an invasion of your privacy. Even if you have nothing to hide, even if he isn't snooping around your drawers, it still feels like he could be.
Yes. I think this is exactly it. It FELT like someone was in the house, and it felt weird. Anyway, I did send him a text thanking him for doing the yard work. Nothing back. Yet.
I have a yard service that takes care mowing, and they don’t call me in advance to tell me they are coming, so I wouldn’t expect your H to give you advance notice as long as he isn’t coming into the house (garage doesn’t count).
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
