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#2821067 11/07/18 07:41 PM
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cheesyt Offline OP
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No longer a newcomer! But so much has happened since my last update.

Link to the beginning of the journey - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=59663&Number=2692751#Post2692751

Link to most recent update on newcomers 08/2017- http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=60212&Number=2750814#Post2750814

I’m back because I feel like I need this forum again. Not for any specific reason, I just feel good being here and writing stuff out. I can’t say I have any major problems, every day stress, work, family, school. I feel happy. Since my move to a new state in 08/2017 I got a job, I started school, I ran my first half marathon. I continued to become more “me”. I am feeling lately as though I’m less me again, maybe that’s why I am back.

Divorce was official 11/2017. Mediation was rough, the back and forth, the money. Everything. It was not easy but I was so glad when it was final. I did not attend Mediation in person, I called in. I didn’t see the need to spend the money to fly back and see her face. I can’t recall much anymore…seems like ages. I do know, I didn’t cry, I do remember feeling sad but nothing major. I went out and celebrated with a friend after, drank some margaritas. All was quiet until….april 2018. I noticed exw unblocked me on fbook. I mentioned this to my cousin oh who is my age and moved to my city, (her husband and my ex went ww at the same time, he came back around 09/2017, heartbroken from the affair woman, but that’s another story. Cousin and exw had some sort of contact this whole time) at any rate, my cousin mentioned exw had posted a heartfelt update that was since erased talking about how exw wished “someone” a good life and happiness, something cheesy and some long regretful apology. Cousin assumed it was for me, who knows. A couple of weeks later exw reached out. We chatted, I asked a million questions, didn’t get an answer to everything. I have some emails between june and july and I’ll summarize.

Ex wife, is sorry for how everything happened, she wished she would’ve handled things differently. ExW wanted to call off D in mediation, but I never showed up, exw claims she cried that whole day. ExW felt as though she was “lost”, and has been feeling lost since BD. ExW wanted to take it back every day, but didn’t know “how”. ExW wanted to go to counseling. ExW though I moved on. ExW cried a lot, drank too much. ExW feels just as unhappy if not more than before. ExW said she never told me or reached out because she was under the impression I had moved on, that often I seemed so composed and strong and “cold” and detached. Exw mentioned she visits a therapist once a week. Exw said she’d never been single, she wanted to try it. (it’s yet to happen). Exw wishes I never moved.

In reference to emotional A with OM, she was just looking for “attention” (over text) -that I didn’t provide because I was busy running the home and working – exw sees that now. She’s sorry.
In reference to OW- ExW still cannot admit that OW from school was after her the whole time, won’t admit it was an affair, but It makes no difference now. I told exw she’s not naďve or dense, she knew and ow knew what she was doing. ExW and OW dated on and off, OW is bipolar, OW has a lot of health issues, OW is an alcoholic, exw said relationship is somewhat toxic. OW son is a jerk, exw can’t stand him. Exw mentioned on more than one occasion she behaved badly toward son…this made me laugh. Let’s see, ExW said it was hard to leave OW because all of her “friends” were pushing her toward OW and giving their two cents to leave me (even though they knew NOTHING about me, only what lies and venom exw would speak of me – some friends eh?!) they fought over me, this also made me laugh, I guess OW though I was still In the picture. Overall, they didn’t have a good relationship – so my exw made it seem BUT they are dating again.

Re to her being crappy in regards to money over D – exw felt backed into a corner, that I wanted half of the home and she had no way to pay me, felt as though she might have to sell the house because of my “ridiculous demand of half”. So exw basically tried to give me the least possible so she wouldn’t have to sell the home and uproot her child. I did note to her I had to uproot but she didn’t seem interested in that fact. Basically anything she did was in “reaction” to me, I did things because I had no choice, but to each their own.

In reference to her child – I can’t say I feel anything. Exw mentioned she enjoys “parenting” but that it’s hard to be one full time. Exw said she drinks a lot, and works “too much” to pay the bills… but that she’s focusing on her parenting & she’s doing great - I pointed that out no real reply.

In reference to the fam – mother has als, dying, I was the only person she wanted to talk to and help her through, but I didn’t (obviously). exw has the load of the bills, exw’s brother doesn’t help, he’s pretty absent. Exmil is deteriorating quickly, wife makes an effort to help and spend time with mil often.

Overall, sounds like exw has a lot on her plate, though her therapy seemed to be helping, the fact that she’s yet to focus on herself without alcohol, or relationships and is now back in a “toxic” one tells me she hasn’t learned much. Also, pretty much all the re writing history, she re wrote it the first time we re spoke, everything bad about me, she told me was good etc. exw said she just said those negative things about me because she wasn’t thinking and was lost and hurt but that looking back now she see’s how great and blah blah I was. I guess I can say, If I wanted, we’d be together. It’s not what I want, the fact is still, too much damage was done. Exw is still a completely different person, seems the same or worse than without me. ExW always said she felt as though she was holding me back, I can say I’m 99.99% sure she was. I really enjoy my life, it can be better, as they all can but I’m at peace with this D.

I made ittttttt.

Last edited by job; 11/08/18 12:50 PM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs

Me(W): 29 EXW: 30
T: 6 M: 2
SD: 10
BD: 04/2016
PS: 04/2016
W officially "seeing" someone 09/2016
W filed 03/2017
Officially Divorced 11/2017
cheesyt #2821097 11/07/18 11:08 PM
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Quote
ExW always said she felt as though she was holding me back, I can say I’m 99.99% sure she was.


Yeah - I didn't want my ex to leave, fought really hard for my marriage, and resented the heck out of it when he tried to phrase it as him somehow "helping" me by freeing me up to find someone else (after 26 years of marriage!) before I got too old.

But now, after 9 years of dating post-divorce, even though I have had a somewhat erratic dating history and am now dating a guy who may well be dying - I really think he did do me a favor. And I would gladly choose the last 9 years of erratic but life-affirming dating over 9 years with his grumpy A$$.

cheesyt #2822057 11/14/18 03:22 PM
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cheesyt Offline OP
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KML sorry to hear about your bf.

9 years of dating post divorce, maybe and hopefully because i'm a little younger (sorrry!!!) I hope that's not me. But I have read some threads, if i remember correctly where that's the likely story. I guess I'm just taking it day by day, focusing on me and hoping one day i'll just meet what will hopefully be the person that values me, appreciates me and loves me unconditionally for the rest of my life. I am most certainly not doing ANYTHING to try and date or find a lover.

it's quiet on the Divorce forum!
-cheesy


Me(W): 29 EXW: 30
T: 6 M: 2
SD: 10
BD: 04/2016
PS: 04/2016
W officially "seeing" someone 09/2016
W filed 03/2017
Officially Divorced 11/2017
cheesyt #2826380 12/07/18 08:00 PM
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Quick journaling…

Feeling some type of way.

For starters took a trip back to the state of where my ex and I lived. Ex is still there. Had a great time all my supportive friends were there and I got to spend a nice long weekend with them and enjoy the weather. I posted some pics at the end on fbook and the day after, I had a calendar invite from the ex. I still do not understand how 2…2.5 years later her iphone calendar keeps sending me the invites to her activities. I guess I’ll never know. I ‘m not going to lie, I made sure the post was public, so she could see I was in town yet chose not to reach out. Not entirely sure why, mind game on my part perhaps? Rubbing It in? (don’t know if I posted on here that she mentioned she’d want to see me if I came to town).

Feelings non exw related…

Feel as though I am way too kind in general. I feel as though people are letting me down around me. I’ll explain, I have a co-worker I’ll call her ML whom I get along with very well, ML is new and young in the finance world so I do my best to have patience and I do my best to guide her. While she’s taken some days off I’ve offered to take on some of her work load, so she’s not so stressed, same thing planned for this coming xmas when ML goes back home! We had meeting the other day, I grabbed her reminded her to take a pen and paper (first meeting 3 mo ago the coworkers kind of laughed and made fun of her for not brining one). Then for some reason I missed a meeting, my boss came to find me, told me they were waiting on me. I felt so embarrassed, had to sit all the way to the front, and the screen was so close my neck hurt. I felt a little…disappointed ML didn’t grab me. Everything I do is because I want to, not because I expect anything in return I know, but then I get this feeling like, why doesn’t she offer to help me, ever? Or even remind me of important things? We do carry a friendship outside of work. Drinks, dinner on occasion, movies all with and without other friends, I was invited to her thanksgiving etc.

Kind of in the same boat as a personal friend, CG, from years 10 ago. I try to be helpful and respectful and help CG with her stuff, sometimes even her family too. If she needs something and I’ve got stuff going on and I know it’s something important for CG I re arrange for her. CG’s never done that for me, I don’t even think I’d have the nerve to ask for help just given her record of selfishness.

Sister, geez, perfect example, everything is about her, she gets mad and doesn’t reply to my texts, only if she wants something she’ll reply. With her I keep a distance and I’m aware of her but I keep the peace because of my nieces. Only if it’s convenient for my sister.

I do my best to be a good kind friend and it seems like they’re either just taking (without knowing or without any ill intentions) and I’m just like getting drained. These are so different than my friendships in my past state. They were certainly more 50/50. I genuinely feel my friends in my past state cared for me as I do for them. I can’t help but to wonder, when will I meet someone or some friends or where do I even look to find “better” ones or what can I do or how can I change the dynamic in my current ones. I hate having the “I got me” attitude but damn can’t ask for anything from anyone around me cus they just cant. Or not even asking just like help me if you see I didn’t “get” it or if I’m lacking somewhere. I guess those actions to me say “I don’t care about you” And I am most certainly not the type of person to change myself into saying no or being a little more standoffish simply because they are.

I don’t know. Just some thoughts.

-stay cheesy people!


Me(W): 29 EXW: 30
T: 6 M: 2
SD: 10
BD: 04/2016
PS: 04/2016
W officially "seeing" someone 09/2016
W filed 03/2017
Officially Divorced 11/2017
cheesyt #2826527 12/08/18 08:56 PM
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Hey Cheesy, just popped over to visit AP and was surprised to see you here!

Wow, wow! Reading your convo with exw was an absolute eye opener! How dare she say she thought you had moved on blah, blah, blah so felt like she couldn't say anything and how convenient that she was going to call off the D at mediation but because you weren't there she didn't! I'm sorry but that just makes me mad!

I am so glad that you are happy with your life now especially as you now see your exw was holding you back. By the way, I would have done the same as you if my H was on FB!

Sorry you are feeling so let down my friends and work colleagues. I know that there are some people who don't feel very deeply or think any further than they absolutely need to. I am like you, always trying to make sure others are not disadvantaged in any way but not always having it reciprocated. I've given up wondering what makes other people tick and I'm just doing what makes me happy even if the other person doesn't appreciate it.

Great to see you back Cheesy!!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 #2827073 12/11/18 05:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Coly23

felt like she couldn't say anything and how convenient that she was going to call off the D at mediation but because you weren't there she didn't! I'm sorry but that just makes me mad!


Coly, yes i was mad!!!!! like, after ALL that, you tell me that. that little jerk. I don't really know why she said it, or the motive behind it. true remorse? perhaps. a last attempt at hurting me? possibly. I will never know. However, It's just like they always told us here as newbs, if they come back you might not want them anyway. So true, so true.

Originally Posted by Coly23

I know that there are some people who don't feel very deeply or think any further than they absolutely need to. I am like you, always trying to make sure others are not disadvantaged in any way but not always having it reciprocated. I've given up wondering what makes other people tick and I'm just doing what makes me happy even if the other person doesn't appreciate it.
I need to have that attitude more, i just cannot for the life of me understand how some people just don't get it or don't seem to care!!! I need to start remembering, It's not necessarily that they don't care, it's more of they show they care in other ways, not just mine. kind of like the 5 languages of love i guess.

I have my math final tomorrow. Last thing for the semester, I have been stressing. work is stressful, everything is stressful. I have more grays!!!!!! I really am looking forward to my time off alone, It keeps me sane. I do really wish I had someone, though I do have family and some friends, there seems to be this little void, something missing. I'm sure ya'll can relate. I know it'll happen but I think the more time that passes the stronger the feeling of wanting someone on my "team" increases, someone that's got my back, that supports me and encourages me. and someone i can do the same for. I know it's out there..
-cheesy


Me(W): 29 EXW: 30
T: 6 M: 2
SD: 10
BD: 04/2016
PS: 04/2016
W officially "seeing" someone 09/2016
W filed 03/2017
Officially Divorced 11/2017
cheesyt #2827142 12/12/18 02:58 AM
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Wow cheesy... I didn't realize how similar our situations as we headed to divorce. Mine also said "I wish I handled everything differently"... I remember it clearly. She also said... how good life was with me which is funny because exactly two years earlier she was saying how terrible it was with me. She seemed really remorseful and hurting herself....it was crazy. BUT... too much damage was done. And zebras don't change their stripes. Mehh... whatevs.

Hope the math test went well... what kind of math is it? (Nerdy engineer here!).

Shes out there for you man... shes out there ;-)

cheesyt #2828256 12/17/18 10:35 PM
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Hi Cheesy!

So glad you are back here! Hope all is well!

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
pinn #2832256 01/10/19 08:02 PM
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cheesyt Offline OP
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Originally Posted by pinn
And zebras don't change their stripes
Shes out there for you man... shes out there ;-)

Pinn, yes they're cray! Re writing history at its finest. You're so right with the zebra comment, I am going to steal it. Man, that sh'es out there comment...makes me smile to think of it. Can't wait to meet her.

Today is Ex's birthday. For a second might have felt some way, but nah. I put on some good jams. Besides I havent talked to ex in idk how long. And though she did send me a happy bday email in august, I don't have the need or desire to do so.

In other news, all is quiet on this side. Just chugging along. Enjoyed the holidays with the family and some friends. Nothing crazy to report, just trying to stay positive and continue making positive changes!

Happy Thursday everyoneeeee


Me(W): 29 EXW: 30
T: 6 M: 2
SD: 10
BD: 04/2016
PS: 04/2016
W officially "seeing" someone 09/2016
W filed 03/2017
Officially Divorced 11/2017

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