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A Message from Michele
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Re: Lessons Learned [Re: Dawn70] #2831797
01/08/19 04:43 PM
01/08/19 04:43 PM
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doodler Offline
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
One week from today the kiddos come back for the semester and I'm ready.


You're in higher academia; are you familiar with Jonathon Haidt? He's a social psychologist. I've listened to some of his talks and debates on YouTube and he's really good at assessing the state of the social fabric in academia as well as the broader society. His latest book is "The Coddling of the American Mind." I haven't read the book yet, but it's on my list of things to read. Joe Rogan interviewed him yesterday. The full interview is on YouTube and it's well worth watching (although I haven't finished watching it). Highly recommended.

You know what's cool about your housing dilemma? It's that it's a nice problem to have.

Re: Lessons Learned [Re: Dawn70] #2831803
01/08/19 05:03 PM
01/08/19 05:03 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Sparky is an only child. While his mother has a sister who is living (younger than her) who also has children (2), the property where the 2 houses sit was long ago left solely to Sparky's mother, as her sister lives in Texas and has no intention of ever moving back here. From what I have been told and gathered from some conversations, Sparky's mom got the land and houses and her sister got something else of relatively equal value (don't remember what, but doesn't really matter). Since Sparky is an only child, when his mom is gone, the land and houses will be solely his to do with as he pleases. He wants to keep the land to pass on to his family when he passes, but he's fine with getting rid of the houses. I suspect his mom would be fine with tearing down Sparky's house now, if it were discussed with her.

I think that finding a suitable place with the mother-in-law's quarters would be relatively easy in this area, as you pointed out, Andrew, since it is a college town and there are lots of set ups that would allow us to have our space while she had her space while still being in close proximity. We have both know and have already discussed that getting her to leave her house will be VERY difficult, nearly impossible, but as selfish as it sounds, it is a better option for both of us if she does. Sparky's concern is that he doesn't want to move his new wife into his childhood bedroom (ick!) but he also doesn't want to take the room that was always his parents and I totally get that. So, in his mind, us moving into her house is a non-starter. For now, though, he's been staying with her since his dad died (a year ago tomorrow, by the way) and when he mentions going to his own house, she either freaks out on him or gets really belligerent with him and they have some huge fight. She doesn't want to admit she doesn't want to be alone, but that is what it boils down to. As I said, she's ok with him staying at my place a night or 2 here and there, but even then, she knows he's just a phone call away.

Also, I have actually been down this road before. I don't think I have ever mentioned it here, but I actually met and had a very serious relationship with a Canadian man in my late 20's. At one point, we discussed my moving there to live with him. He was not an only child, but somehow, as the youngest child, had been the one who was tasked with caring for their mother in her old age. He lived in his boyhood home with her and shortly after we became serious, he actually found a new home that he'd hoped would be suitable for the 3 of us, as she could have her own floor, we could have our own floor, then there was a floor that was a kind of common space. I lived there for 6 months and it seemed to work fairly well, except for his mother was developing Alzheimer's at an alarmingly rapid rate and she was very child-like and when we would want to have some private time, she would get very angry and upset and say very hurtful things to him about how he was abandoning her. While it started out ok, it really was not an ideal situation and I finally had to give up and come home because neither of them was really, truly in a place where a third person could fit into that situation. There is a lot more to it than that, obviously, but that is the Reader's Digest version. I do worry about having a similar situation with Sparky's mom. Not so much the Alzheimer's thing because she seems incredibly lucid, but she does have a bit of a biting tongue when she doesn't exactly get her way and that is going to be hard to learn to live with. I can be nice and I can bite my tongue, but I think it will only be a matter of time before a battle of wills breaks out and if we are living in MY house, I can assure you, I will win the battle.

It's definitely something that we are already mulling over, working on, and already preparing for and discussing because we don't want to wait til the last minute and have some huge melt-down. While it is still a bit pie in the sky, if we get the house next door to my bro's, it is a 3 bedroom house and laid out very similarly to his because the same guy built both houses. The master bedroom is on one end of the house, with the kitchen and living room being in the middle then the other 2 bedrooms and a bathroom are on the other end of the house. So, that would work ok in that either we could let her have the master suite and we could be on the other end or vice versa. Not ideal, but workable. We'll just have to see. I know a house just came on the market last week that would be perfect, but it is pretty pricey, so that is another thing we need to talk about and see about what we can get loan-approved for and the like. it will be a challenge, no matter which way we go, but we are up for it.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Lessons Learned [Re: doodler] #2831847
01/08/19 09:48 PM
01/08/19 09:48 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by doodler
Originally Posted by Dawn70
One week from today the kiddos come back for the semester and I'm ready.


You're in higher academia; are you familiar with Jonathon Haidt? He's a social psychologist. I've listened to some of his talks and debates on YouTube and he's really good at assessing the state of the social fabric in academia as well as the broader society. His latest book is "The Coddling of the American Mind." I haven't read the book yet, but it's on my list of things to read. Joe Rogan interviewed him yesterday. The full interview is on YouTube and it's well worth watching (although I haven't finished watching it). Highly recommended.

You know what's cool about your housing dilemma? It's that it's a nice problem to have.



Not familiar with Jonathon Haidt. Will have to check him out. I do think, to a certain extent, in academia, we are guilty of coddling. I am, just as much as everyone else is, as evidenced by my early December postings lamenting giving an F to a student to whom I had offered more than her fair share of help. Don't get me wrong, I think kids should be held responsible for their actions (or inactions, as the case may be), but it is just something I see in general in higher ed. We have dumbed down our high schools and our colleges and it is sad. I have students who are adults who don't know how to do basic math without getting out their phones. I could discuss this on and on all day, so I won't keep rambling, but thanks for the recommendation.

I totally agree about the housing "dilemma". I'm not even sure it is actually a dilemma so much as just something that we are going to have to work through. At present, there are 3 of us and 3 houses and we have to figure out how to get down to 3 people in either 1 or 2 houses. We'll see how it goes.............................definitely a good place to be, though.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Lessons Learned [Re: Dawn70] #2832077
01/09/19 09:29 PM
01/09/19 09:29 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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I heard something very interesting on the radio yesterday. As is common on most radio stations, the DJs talk about a variety of stuff and for some reason a popular OLD site came up. One mentioned (and even quoted the article, though I do not remember the particular source right this minute) that they'd read somewhere that nearly 50% of people who had added some mention of travel on their profile were getting a significantly higher number of "hits" and that websites like this OLD site actually encourage you to mention travel, even if it isn't really your thing. That struck me as terribly odd.

I never used the specific site mentioned on the radio, but I know many of us here have dabbled in OLD and that just smacks of dishonesty to me. I mean, I'm a homebody, so I'm certainly not going to put on a profile that I like traveling the world, because it just isn't my thing. Do I think travel is cool? Sure. And, if I were a wealthy woman, I would probably enjoy it. But, for now, it just isn't my priority. I previously had a job where I traveled the US somewhat frequently and while I enjoyed it at the time, I'm ok with not doing that anymore. I certainly don't begrudge those who do enjoy travel, but I would never include that as my profile information, just because it isn't in my wheelhouse, so to speak. I think we can probably all agree that we see OLD profiles where people try to pump themselves up with their descriptions, but I was always very honest on mine with both words and pics. Maybe I'm an outlier, I don't know. But, I didn't want to be one of those people who portrayed myself as one person and then when I met them, I showed up as someone else. I don't think that serves anyone well. So, why would I want to lie, even if that does seem like something of a white lie to say I like travel when I can take it or leave it.

I guess this is why I have never been particularly successful in the dating world. I just don't play the game all that well. Sparky was interested in me just the way I am and I'm grateful for that. He's actually traveled a bit more than I have, but in our future goals, while we do have a few places on our bucket list to see, our plans tend to be closer to home and more experience based. And, I'm ok with that. That is what works for me and it is what works for Sparky.

It honestly just struck me odd that people who run these OLD sites would actually encourage people to be dishonest. I mean, I think there is enough dishonesty on any given site without it being prompted or promoted. I talked to my fair share of men who touted their education and professional experience, only to discover they had little more than a high school education, if that. Not that there is anything wrong with that, mind you, because my brother fits in that category, but as a person whose life work centers around higher education and it is one of my passions, I prefer to be with someone who also values education the way that I do. Sparky does. I'm just glad I found Sparky or he found me or whatever. I could've continued to face life alone and I was good where I was, but it is nice to have someone to share life with who is on the same page.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Lessons Learned [Re: Dawn70] #2832155
01/10/19 01:14 PM
01/10/19 01:14 PM
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doodler Offline
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Dawn,

On OLD, I never mention how much I travel or the places that I travel to. I let them know up front that I'm a spy for a top secret U.S. agency so I can't discuss my job or any of the exotic locales that I visit on a weekly basis.

Re: Lessons Learned [Re: Dawn70] #2832182
01/10/19 03:08 PM
01/10/19 03:08 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,808
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AndrewP Offline
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It's funny. When I first got married I traveled a lot for work. I loved coming home and not having to get dressed up to have breakfast.

I recall having a multi-day trip to Orlando to sort some stuff out at a beer distributor there and my wife was annoyed that I didn't offer to take her. I pointed out to her that I'd be putting in long days and couldn't do the tourist thing with her and that where I was staying was in the industrial part of town.

In later years she really pushed for us to take a week every winter at a tropical resort which was a huge thing for her.

"Funny" thing is that after she left other than draining the joint savings account at the start of 2017 to go to Roatan with her fella as far as I know she's not gone on any tropical jaunts - the trip that outed her as having an affair and having left the marriage. Depending on how she's handling the support money I send she certainly could afford to.

The impression I get of her guy based in the very minimal info I have about him, is that other than a single bucket list trip to Costa Rica with his dying wife a number of years ago, he prefers to stay home and watch hockey. So - the nice vacations she used to get with me - another things she's lost.

I'd thought that if I do enable my OLD profile that I'll perhaps include a couple of pictures of me from my trip to Cuba in 2018 - more as an indication that I have the means to travel than anything. I am thinking about going to Spain for a week or so this fall but have no firm plans. I have been assured though too that if I put pictures of the pies I've made up that will garner the most interest.

But I'm with you Dawn - mostly a home-body and that would be my ideal match. I recall FSL commenting to me something like that I wouldn't like her because she was so boring and didn't like going out.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Lessons Learned [Re: Dawn70] #2832194
01/10/19 03:55 PM
01/10/19 03:55 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Pies would certainly get my attention but then again, I'm a fat girl who loves pie, so there's that. LOL I kid Sparky all the time about my being boring, but he says that he really enjoys our down time because he loves just sitting and talking to me. He says it has been a long time since he's had a relationship with someone who he can actually have an intelligent conversation with on a wide variety of topics and from whom he can learn things. I take that as a huge compliment. We do have a relatively short bucket list of places we want to go/see together, but other than that, we'll likely be staying put the majority of our time.

I think that if travel is your thing, you should absolutely highlight that in your profile. And, in your specific case, Andrew, even if it isn't your thing but you have traveled and want to share that, it is great. It just struck me as seriously dishonest to put in your profile that you like to travel if you don't. Don't get me wrong, I'd be down for a week on some tropical island and at some point, Sparky and I may do it, but for now, I'm content with hanging out at home or near home and having our occasional little weekend jaunts. I don't know if you've ever been to Arkansas, Andrew, and I may be biased, but it is a BEAUTIFUL state and I live in arguably one of the prettiest parts. Near both mountains and lakes. It is just amazing. I live about 10 or 15 minutes from one of the prettiest lakes in Arkansas and take full advantage of that proximity in the summer. I'm a lake bum. I can see Sparky and I maybe buying a boat in our future, more than I can see us traveling a great deal.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: Lessons Learned [Re: Dawn70] #2832297
01/10/19 11:29 PM
01/10/19 11:29 PM
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Posts: 8,855
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Vanilla Offline
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I just adore Sparky already.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: Lessons Learned [Re: doodler] #2832298
01/10/19 11:30 PM
01/10/19 11:30 PM
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Vanilla Offline
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Vanilla  Offline
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Originally Posted by doodler
Dawn,

On OLD, I never mention how much I travel or the places that I travel to. I let them know up front that I'm a spy for a top secret U.S. agency so I can't discuss my job or any of the exotic locales that I visit on a weekly basis.




So Starbucks again?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: Lessons Learned [Re: Vanilla] #2832451
01/11/19 09:28 PM
01/11/19 09:28 PM
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Dawn70 Offline OP
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Dawn70  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Vanilla
I just adore Sparky already.

V


Thanks, V...I adore him as well. He's a keeper! wink


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
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