I got two work things from the same company cancelled last minute earlier in the week, so lost a chunk of hoped-for income for the week. I'd decided to move on, mentally/emotionally and apply for other work. Which I did, without too much hassle or stress.
Then I get an email this evening (also sent to others working freelance for the same company) to say that they also had some cancelled shifts for the week. But as it was last minute, they were welcome to latch onto my work for the remaining evenings and still get paid for their own cancelled shifts.
Confusing? Yes. Inconsistent? Yup. Unfair? Not for me to say, but I think yes: where is the rest of my lost income then?
Anyway, this job was supposed to be a 'no brainer' type of job, where the only time and energy I expended was writing my shifts in my diary, and writing up my invoices and checking if they had been paid. This was supposed to allow me to have more time and energy to concentrate more on my own creative work.
Instead, I'm chasing their errors and mess ups. This is the third mess up in the space of a week. Is it even worth the little hourly wage I get?
Thank heavens above I had the foresight to get a contract for December, and know what I'm doing there. I don't have to think/worry about any of that any more. My work is guaranteed. None of the others know what they're doing yet, and December is one of the busiest months for us in this industry, where we can earn a good chunk of income. January and February are dead, so income totally drops. We really need to earn a good income in December.
I've not replied to any of the messages. No need. I just go right ahead and sort my own work life out to my own advantage. I'm starting to feel it's time to spread my wings a bit.
And I'm annoyed at myself for getting annoyed. And I've found I also feel annoyed at XH for all his disrespectful behaviour, especially in the last 5 years of our M.
I can barely walk today...lol! But I've done it once, so I can do it again.
I also came up with another goal yesterday. This one is to do with distance to run, rather than length of time spent running.
So I'm gonna approach it in the same way as I did my run yesterday: nice, easy pace; keeping a good shape throughout and control over my breathing at all times.
It will take me longer than my run yesterday, I already know that. But it's about knowing I can run a certain distance this time rather than for a specific length of time.
Once I've done both those things, maybe a couple of times, I can start to concentrate on speeding it all up a bit.
Other news: I've committed to another event for my business. So along with the orders I have in the pipeline, I'll be busy on that front for the first few months of next year.
Annnnnnd, his children have bought us all tickets for a major sporting event. So the four of us will all be going to that, then to dinner. It's incredibly lovely of them, and I feel very accepted by them. I get the feeling they are happy for their dad to be with me.
It's almost two years we've been together now (end of January), and the time has just flown by. Our life is incredibly peaceful and at the same time very exciting. It's not the adrenalin roller coaster excitement of my previous life, which in the end, was really draining (and was probably a major contributing factor to me becoming quite depressed for a good few years towards the end of everything). It's a totally different sort of excitement, more to do with discovering each other and other aspects of our own selves. it feels like there is lots of room for both of us to grow, as individuals and obviously together as well. And at the same time, our life is very peaceful. And it feels very private too (we're both quite private people).
Such a contrast in so many ways to my previous life.
I feel incredibly content and at peace at the moment.
I got to his house Friday afternoon. We made dinner and watched some TV. Late on, both his kids arrived (they had been working late in their home town, then driven up) and we all turned in.
Saturday...what a day! Up early and a nice breakfast before setting off early to our sporting event. It was a 20 minute drive, an hour train journey and a half hour walk there.
We stopped for a coffee on the way and I had a nice chat with his S22 about the rules of the game we were about to watch. He's quite shy and private, but a lovely, thoughtful and gentle person. I can see so much of his dad in him. He has not long graduated with a degree in engineering, and is living at home with his mum and working full time in a holiday resort while looking for a graduate job.
After the game we walked back into town, stopping off for a drink before dinner. The pub was super crowded, with another game on the TVs. His D19 and I had a nice chat. She's very sociable, very open and likeable, and I can see how people really like her straight off. She is living at home with her mum and working full time in a nearby bar/restaurant while deciding what to do. She's not really interested in following an academic path - she's much more of a hands on kind of person (and I think her ability to connect with other people quickly and easily would be a huge asset to her in this). But I think she's getting a bit of pressure from her mum to go to university and get a degree. I'm getting the impression that her mum is very ambitious and is very much about the pursuit of external indicators of success/class.
We all went to dinner and chatted some more.
Train and bus home and we all got back about midnight. I was super tired and falling asleep on the bus.
Sunday was a lazy day. We all got up late, went to do some food shopping, went to visit his mum (who is in a home nearby as she has dementia). But she was obviously very tired and sound asleep, so we just came back. D had picked a recipe for us and cooked dinner for us all. We watched a film together and they left to go back to their mum's house about 7.30pm.
And another Monday has rolled round again.
We had a nice chat about Christmas. I only get Christmas day off from my December freelance contract, whilst he gets the standard two week break from his work. Last year he came to stay with me for Christmas Day and then headed off on Boxing Day to some mountains up north to do some winter walking. We had the most wonderful day together, just cooking and being very relaxed. New Year I came to stay with him.
So this year, we're going to do the opposite. I'm going to stay with him for Christmas Day, and he'll come to mine for New Year. I'll finish up at about 8.00pm on Christmas Eve and then head to his house (it's two train journeys away for me). I think I'll get here about 11.00pm.
His D is staying at her mum's house for Christmas, as she'll be working until late at the bar/restaurant on Christmas Eve, and then early again on Boxing Day. His S will be coming to see his dad for Christmas, so it will be the three of us here. We had a chat about what we could eat on Christmas Day. His S likes very traditional food, so we will probably do something along those lines. Last year, when it was just the two of us, we cooked together and made crab and parmesan ravioli (from scratch), then duck breast with a dark berry sauce and roast potatoes etc, and I made a Christmas pudding from scratch too. I had foraged some branches of pine, berries and variegated leaves for a table decoration and we had lots of candles. I had found a lovely bright red, cotton table cloth, which looked really nice against my white and blue plates.
Boxing Day I have to be back at work, and they will both be heading off up north for some winter mountain walking for a few days.
We also had a nice, very relaxed chat about presents. I'd like to give them both something, or contribute in some way. But I'm more of a thoughtful present giver rather than an extravagant one (also because I really don't earn a lot of money at all). He's also decided that he's not going to club together with his XW any more when it comes to their presents (unless it's for something major/expensive). Since their D in 2011, they've both put in money for their children's presents. But he said that she would always spend much more than the amount they had agreed on.
It's funny, I get glimpses of the kind of person his XW was from the things he's said. He's never talked badly about her, even though she had an A with her boss, and he had to leave the family home and his two children. But very, very occasionally he does mention things that she does/says that stress him out a bit or make him angry. And I wonder how many of those things are said or done to get some sort of a reaction from him. He never does, in front of her, of course. I get the sense he has a very good, strong boundary there. And I really admire and respect him for that, I can't even begin to imagine how difficult all that must have been in the beginning.
I'm still at his house at the moment, just for one more day/evening so we can spend a little more time together. I have some work that I can do with me from here today. Then I'll head home again tomorrow and start getting ready for my super busy December. I want to see if I can repeat the fitness goal I broke through last week before the start of my new contract...I loved how it felt and I want to do it again.
It's such a peaceful, gentle (yet incredibly passionate) R we have. It feels like we are both very supportive of each other, and of the way we both are. He's so private, quiet and unassuming that I think a lot of people overlook him or take him for granted, or don't give him the space to just be the way he is. I really love how we're both getting the chance to explore new parts of ourselves together. And I also love that we have each other's blessing to explore things that we are interested on our own. I'm feeling like a much more rounded person than I ever have done in the past.
I've started on my tax return (deadline for submission is the 31 January).
I did my income spreadsheet yesterday for my tax year September 2016-August 2017. It covered the period when one of my zero hours jobs suddenly disappeared from the radar. I remember being really stressed out by it, as it was a big part of my income for the year and I absolutely loved that job.
But I finished my spreadsheet yesterday and have done pretty well financially. In fact, it's been my second highest income ever since I became self employed in 2004.
My best ever was the previous year. And I had thought that was a bit of a blip, as I had some good work that was all one off contracts that year.
So, the year that XH left I made a loss - if I remember rightly. And since then I've had my two highest incomes ever, even including the years when I was M. What do you make of that?! lol...
I've been working on 'law of attraction' positive vibes on the work front these part couple of years, and it seems to have worked, big style. So, I'm gonna carry on with that...
I've been having a few health 'issues' over the past while.
Last week I called NHS24 because of them and was referred to an out of hours walk in. The doctor I saw there suggested it might be perimenopause and gave me some medication to help me out temporarily. My GP said I was too young. So nobody knows anything really...lol!
Anyway, it's been interfering with my life a fair bit (stopping me going to the gym, making plans...) and it's resulted in me feeling a little stressed out and down.
I had a long, busy and stressful working day yesterday and WM made us a very delicious dinner in the evening, from a new recipe that neither of us had tried before. I chatted about it a little last night, and he was lovely about it.
But I feel like it's triggered some sort of low level anxiety in me and made me worry about the future. Maybe it's because I don't feel like I have any control over it? Maybe because it's reminded me that things are changing in my life, whilst OW seems to have fulfilled some sort of supercharged maternal role for XH that I was never going to fulfill? Maybe I feel like that because I've not been able to get to the gym as much, or go running as much and it's that that is affecting my outlook? Maybe I also feel like this because it's winter and the days are really short with not much sunshine? Or a combination of all of those things? I'm feeling out of sorts with myself and uneasy too.
Anyway, I also started a big chunk of work on Friday. And that's going really well. What I earn from this in December will be what sees me through January (and possibly February as well, if I'm careful).
Today is my day off, and I have a few things to be getting on with, and in my favourite kind of way...by getting out a fair bit and going from one place to the next, so I'll be seeing plenty of daylight. I'm also still feeling the benefit from the medication the walk in doctor prescribed me, so I'm going to wear my workout stuff today so I can go to the gym after I've finished everything I need to do.
Funny how exercise has become such an integral part of my life now. I never would have imagined that even just three years ago.
I've been dealing with a pretty horrible ongoing health issue from the end of October (if I remember rightly). That's on top of the anaemia.
It really triggered my anxiety, very badly. And with the stress of it, I got ill at the start of December, which is right at the start of my busiest month working 6 days a week, 50/60 hour weeks, for the whole of December.
I've not had a chance to exercise since the end of October because of the ongoing health thing, and am really feeling the down side of it.
The person who was supposed to invite me to the work evening out on the 28 December, hasn't mentioned it to me. Either through forgetting, or because she's a bit ambivalent towards me. When we first worked together a few years ago, she was really lovely and friendly. The following year she was totally different towards me. If she sat next to me after work, she'd completely ignore me, be on her phone, give one word answers to anything I asked her. This year, she's neither very friendly, nor ignoring me.
Last year, I was forgotten from the company Christmas dinner company. The (different) person who was supposed to invite me forgot to mention it to me.
These things are also making me feel down.
On the plus side, the ongoing health issue seems to be under temporary control at least. I have an appointment with a new doctor at the end of January. And I'm starting to feel a bit better from being ill, although I'm not getting a chance to rest and recover at all so it's taking much longer than usual.
My Wonderful Man has been incredibly supportive. He even bought me some tins of soup that I could have during my break...the right number for the number of days in the week.
I just feel a bit sad that I was really looking froward to December and the work I had, and I've not been able to give it my usual, full amount of energy because of everything that's gone on with my health.
