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Originally Posted by Hope479
Thanks DejaVu6 and Yorkie.
Been too depressed to post. I know the DBing is supposed to get my mental health back into shape, but really it hasn't helped me nor get my H to contact me. Yes I know GAL, but I do have one. That's the thing. It doesn't stop me from constantly thinking about him. Asked him two weeks ago to see me. He said he'd get back to me, but not a peep yet. His birthday is coming up. Should I send him a happy birthday text? Or stay the course of no contact. I expect he's still having his affair and he's not missing me at all. Countdown to when he can apply for D scares me to death even though it makes no difference to the life I'm living now except I can still call him my H. Also been reading that it's much harder to recover a marriage after D which scares me even more. Still cry a lot but with less intensity now.



The bold is why it's important to incorporate something new into your GAL plan. When you are doing something new and different (and ideally, challenging), your brain has more to think about than when you are operating in your same routine. And a busy brain is less likely to obsess about your situation.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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No problem. I was worried about my MR anniversary back in June and I feel like I chose the right thing for me and my situation, and the basics of my situation were the same as yours.

I'd make plans if you can. Just to GAL on that day.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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OK, so I'm not going to wish him a happy birthday?


No, don't wish him a happy birthday. He has betrayed you, Hope. He has dishonored your MR. Stop pretending that you have a relationship and expecting him to respond normally. You must stop contacting him. You don't want a man who is with you b/c he is so guilt ridden he has no other choice. You are worth much more and want to mean more to a man than just his guilty conscious or obligation.

Here's what you do. You get out that calendar and start filling up those blank spaces with fun activities that require you to get out of the house. Challenge yourself by doing things or going to new places. Treat yourself well. Before bedtime, you can read some self esteem building books for women. When you get up in the mornings, you put on some music that gets your blood stirring. Listen to motivational talks on You Tube. Keep feeding your soul. Don't look to him to do it. You are responsible for your own happiness.

Do you have girl friends that are not connected to your H in any way? Are they supportive? Can you have fun with them? Then make arrangements to have them over, or take them out...….whatever. You are going to fill your time up until you won't be crying after that sorry man. You are the prize, sweetheart...….not him. Now, start living as though you believe it.

((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Well it looks like time finally ran out.
I stopped posting because even posting gave me anxiety. I hoped and hoped and hoped
He moved in with his mistress last year and no amount of GAL did me any good. I tried so hard to try and move on, tried to look like I had fun. He didn't notice a darn thing. Didn't even contact me. And I'm still not over him. Probably never will.
I still haven't given up hope of reconciliation, but I did finally file for divorce this year. What choice did I have? He has given me no nothing to hope for and yet I still hope. Thing is, the deadline for the response to the petition has come and gone and he's still not responded. Only hired a lawyer at the last minute. What is he thinking?
Will he come back to me one day?
It seems like most of the people here who DB'd ended up D frown

T: 16
M: 9
no kids

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Hope,

Sorry to hear you going through this.


It sounds like you were having a very hard time to deal with not letting go and listening to a bunch of people telling you what you needed to do. I can see how that could cause anxiety.

It's never easy. It can get easier in time but you have to work towards that.

Sounds like a lot has happened. I'm not knocking you but I would be furious if my W moved in with another man.

This is what I'm picking up so please do correct me if I'm wrong. You're probably not sure of the process and wanted something to help win your H back. When you heard of how this works you didn't buy into it. You aren't rdy to lose him to win him back. If you do go for it, it wouldn't be genuine. Those comments above about him not noticing, and then you filing for divorce like what other choice did you have... there was a choice not to file and let him do the work. If you file, to me, it means you are the one ready to end it and from the sound of your last post, you are far from that so it's sabotage. You ghosting could mean you were trying new things, like pursuit and pressure like the D papers. It didn't snap him out of it. Nothing wrong with making a stand if you are ready, just don't think you are ready yet.

You filed for D and you're wondering what is he thinking in getting a lawyer? It sounds like you're playing a dangerous game.

I feel like I am being super critical and I'm sorry for that, I wish there was a gentler way of saying it or approach that I knew opposed to just not saying anything at all.

You're putting everything on him like he's the sole answer to your happiness. It takes work, a lot of work to change things around but you have to want to change for yourself first. Not for him. Do it for you and don't give a F if he pays attention or not.

I wonder if he came back tomorrow how easy you would let him in. He'd need to be begging.

There have been people who tried to DB and it didn't help their marriage but it did help them. I also believe there are people who only tried to DB half heartedly as a gimmick to win their spouse back and when they D, they didn't win either way in the end. Then there are a few who share their stories. I'm sure there are many more who have gone through the program and not post here. Hard to say but yeah, I reckon a lot of people do end up D. That's not the end of the world.

I haven't posted in a while myself. Sometimes it can affect you, seeing other people in your shoes. It used to wear me down, the sadness. The pain, relating to it, the reality of it. Sometimes just cant shake it. I have to stop for my own sanity to break away and come back in healthy doses.

You can still hope. Don't rely on that alone to get you anywhere though.

I hope to see more of you posting and possibly really buying into the program.

Btw, if I'm way off the mark, I'm sorry. Feel free to correct me. I would love to see more posts and maybe one day come across one of your AHA moments where you start to make it ALL YOU and not about him anymore.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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I filed for D because he’s been living with OW for over a year and everyone has been urging me to do it. Especially my co-worker. I filed because it made no difference that I was his wife. He moved in with OW anyway. No filing for me was not a gimmick. It was me trying to just get on. Did I sabotage my chances?

So many people tell me that it’s just a piece of paper. That he’ll come back if he wants to. That that piece of paper didn’t stop him from leaving and D won’t stop him from coming back. I miss him SO much. I haven’t slept through the night in over two years which is how long he’s been gone.

We have no kids, so nothing to attach him to me. No reason for him to have contact. Most of the people on this forum have children that pulls the spouse back. Yes I’d take him back in a heartbeat. Yes I know he has to coming begging. Yes I know that there is a lot of work if he came back. But even my own mother keeps telling me he’s not coming back. It HURTS.

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Hope, I'm very sorry for the pain you are experiencing.

I know the difficulty in losing your H to someone else when there is NOTHING that otherwise ties you together. I also have no shared children with my H. He however is wanting a quick D to move on with his life.

I find it interesting though what his motives are for being gone for 2yr and not pushing for D? Is this OW comfortable with the living situation that he is still tied to you like this? I wonder what he tells her to placate her that he is still M.

I don't have much real advice to offer outside telling you that you are not alone.

HUGS! Peace and Love

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