Peace, I'm positive it is him. There is no one else it could be. He wants a reaction and won't get it.
Job, I have been expecting a ramping up. I'm hoping it is the last gasp before moving forward, but only time will tell.
Another stalking incident today at S's activity. I think he must not have realized that S's group gets out at a different time now. Repeat calls (very unusual for him). No messages left, as usual.
Were I inclined to look out the window from the house (which I'm not) I'm sure he is out there somewhere, sitting or driving by.
The good thing is that these periods of increased activity usually don't last that long (but then again the ones I have been discovering were done a while ago and I just didn't notice). The problem is that the time in between them is growing considerably shorter.
Sometimes it’s so difficult to work out if they really do want friendship or they’re just scared to let go of the comfort blanket.
We are just starting mediation & for me it makes sense that we get on as I think he will be fairer than if we fight. He would be a tough adversary if I went up against him.
The loss of friendship has been the toughest part of this for me. Whilst our marriage wasn’t perfect I thought he valued the friendship. Even now he says I’m his soulmate & best friend but we all know that you would never inflict this pain on a friend or walk away from a soulmate.
Are the lies, that he seems to tell with such ease, to protect me or himself? He is not the man that I have believed in for all these years. How can a friendship work without honesty?
OneArt - the game playing on his part with the post etc. is crazy. Your coolness is the best revenge - good on you.
M 1986 ILYBINILWY Jan 2016 Found out about affair May 2016. H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger. Separated Sept 2016
OneArt - do you have a security system / panic button? Hoping that it wouldn't come to that but the thought does cross one's mind.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
This is a very difficult situation. I have tried, like you Ruby, to keep everything as cordial as possible. HaWho told me a while back that with the ones that are extremely passive-aggressive (and frankly I think mine would go down in the annals as being one of the biggest ever) that it is very easy to get trapped in a tit-for-tat situation, and I have fallen down that trap for brief moments and understand entirely what she means.
I struggle with the security stuff Andrew. I do not want to do anything to hurt him in his career (which would not only hurt him but financially devastate me and the kids), and I do not want to embarrass him in any way (given his career this alone could be suicide for him) because I know how important his image is and I'm concerned about how he would respond.
I know that he really, really likes negative supply from me and that he anchor checks by taking passive actions that force me to anchor check him and give him supply. So I'm trying very hard not to have any contact with him at all or to let him know that these things bother me. I did have to tell him a few weeks ago that the insurance company is trying to reach him because it is my policy that is at issue and to them I look like the uncooperative one. He still did nothing.
While I don't think he would hurt me, there was a story recently in the news of a HS tennis coach. She and her H had been divorced for years and mostly amicably co-parenting. With absolutely no history, he killed her and the kids. We are in the very early stages of the divorce that he is clearly struggling with getting through. We are basically at the filing stage because the stuff that has happened related to it being the wrong court, which has to be sorted before you do anything else. We don't co-parent. He refuses to speak with me or acknowledge my communications unless I specifically say that I need you to respond to this. We haven't even reached anything that contentious, but his actions are already escalating wildly and becoming concerning. He is very clearly struggling with his loss of control over me and the kids.
I have sent my lawyer a couple of emails about all the stuff he has been doing but haven't heard back. She is very much don't rock the boat as long as he is still paying and son is not being harmed.
My house is pretty safe. Not easy to break into and in a visible location so that such efforts would be seen. I do find myself looking all around every time I come home and not getting out of the car until the garage door has shut. I've cut off his view of anything financial so he has no idea where we go, shop, have appointments (although now that he has the EOBs he can find that out). Everyone in my life knows that if anything at all were to happen to me, he would be the one behind it, but that doesn't really help.
I think, but can't be certain, that the affair fog is over, the chemicals have died down, life has gotten real, and he is awakening to what he has lost and is scared, but too passive aggressive to just ask to see my son or forge ahead in the divorce to get things to a normal place. I have tried again and again to reach out in a kind way to bring about a resolution, but he sees that as pursuit, tells me to move on, and does nothing. I wouldn't say that I am frightened, so much as unsettled. It is difficult to live your daily life when these "surprises" keep happening. I haven't even mentioned all of them.
Im sorry..That does sound difficult But If I can make one suggestion. ....try not to focus on it or intensify the fear behind it As you said, you are in a good location and well protected..
You can and need to be alert and careful but don't let it control you ...that's what he wants
If it continues, you can speak with your L and come up with a solution
keep your energy light and send him good or if your inclined to pray find a prayer that seems fit and send it energetically
I have one I use and it really helps in any situation where there is a bit of conflict or unease
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Excellent advice Peace. I must take it and apply it because I don't want my son to sense any stress and he is hyper-vigilant and constantly worried about my emotions. I try to stay as calm as possible whenever he is around because of it.
I was sent some correspondence by a third party company through whom we have a connection that makes it appear as though he is my town and possibly intends to stay for a bit. I am hoping it is in error, but in view of Peace's recommendation and what I know I need to do, I am letting it go and focusing on other things.
Well, I guess the new normal is that he has awakened from his coma (for now) and is intent on getting a reaction, no matter what it takes it. He is now contacting third parties who in turn are contacting me about his contact (so far 2 contacts today). Wondering if the lawyer or the woman have put him up to this, or whether it is part of his process. Likely will never know and just need to move forward and keep my house as stable as possible for the kids and myself. I long for the early days of his romances when limerence and PEA were enough to keep him away.
Your h is really, really trying to rattle you cage. It doesn't matter if it's positive or negative attention, just as long as he gets it and does everything in his power to remind you that he is out there.
There are some who will involve another party just to throw you off. Oh, they may say that you don't want to speak to them or have contact and will have a third party do it. He is hoping that w/a third party you might open up about what you are thinking ad doing....they all should know better when it comes to this method.
I suspect he is still in the throes of replay and he's not woken up, but is still moving slowly but surely along. He's not quite as obvious as HaWho's h, but he's following a very similar path in annoying you.
When they can't get to us, they will try something else. Who knows....one day he just might knock at your front door. Nothing surprises me w/him and his behavior.
I do suggest that you stay vigilant. Walk around your car if you are out and about. Check around your home since your home is safe and sound on the inside. Do not be surprised if you get callers advising you of things he has ordered or requested that they call back at your number. I had a lot of this nonsense a long time ago. I would also advise the post office that unless they hear directly from you, the mail is to be delivered and not held.
Try to enjoy your weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for the reminders Job. I am expecting to see a ramp up in the legal stuff based on this. My lawyer seems to be incommunicado. There may already be stuff coming in that I just don't know about. Either that or he is fearful to do it through the courts so is doing this stuff instead.
I've already warned S that I expect him to turn up at school, activity again, house, store, etc. One of the contacts was to the school. He has never, ever contacted the school or shown any interest in S's education, even pre-MLC. It could be that he is trying to solicit their help to see S. Seems like having his lawyer contact mine or him contact me would have been easier, but whatever. I think he thought that by doing that I would absolutely go ballistic. The old me would have. This me politely responded with an update on our situation and asked them to share any information they felt legally obligated to share. I'm just shocked that he did it because he wouldn't even respond to the realtor about listing the house when he was so eager for me to sell it.
The other contact was from a business in my town. I think this is intended to put some fear or have me reach out demanding to know why he is here and what he is doing. I'm doing nothing.
Can't even imagine what is coming next.
Do you think this will continue until he finds a new woman (obviously the current one isn't keeping the blues at bay)?
Do you think there is anything I can do to stop it? Seems like if I respond to any of these I'm rewarding him and teaching him what it takes for the response.
I do not think the ow is out of the picture. My xh ramped up the entire time he was dating the ow and after he married the ow, the calls, drive bys, mail incidents, etc. continued until she died five years ago. Once he hooked up w/his current woman, five months after the ow/wife died, he's been very quiet.
There's nothing you can really do to stop the nonsense, except to take notes and ignore the madness. Now, if he ramps up to the point of being a threat to you or your son, then you can file a report w/the police, but I don't think he will go that far. The more you focus on him and his antics, the more he'll do it. They want attention, i.e., whether it's positive or negative.
They don't want us, but they also don't want to let us go. They want us to be as miserable as they are, thus the reminders.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
