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OneArt Offline OP
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My guess is that he did it through the personnel at his work. I think it is the typical case, I’m not reacting to anything as I always have and he is feeling that I’ve dropped the rope and trying to hold onto the illusion of control. The mushy text from last night was differently worded and arguably included me. I am not letting any of it get to me. Had a lovely drive in the country today with my S.

Last edited by OneArt; 10/21/18 11:37 PM.
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Hi OneArt

It’s good to read your post to see the progress that you’ve made.

What techniques have you used to get to this stage of acceptance?

It’s 2 yrs since he left. My H & his AP have now moved away & I feel such anger (particularly towards her - having the life, love & future that I wanted from him). The divorce is going through & part of me wants to cling on to the familiar & part of me wants it all over because I want an end to this pain.

My H says he wants to remain friends - I don’t know if that’s true or because he is trying to be nice whilst we go through mediation. But it can’t be an open, honest friendship because I don’t want to hear about their new life. He is always very economical with the truth (maybe so as not to hurt me any more than he already has). I’d love to say that I could be pleased for him & his new happiness but I’m not that good a person.

Like you, I can’t see their 23 yr age gap relationship working long term but it seems to be working well for now. Either way, I don’t imagine he would ever come back.

How have you got to the stage where you don’t take it all personally?


M 1986
ILYBINILWY Jan 2016
Found out about affair May 2016.
H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger.
Separated Sept 2016
Joined: Jul 2018
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OneArt Offline OP
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Hi Ruby, I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. I just read through your posts. I see a lot of similarities there, but some differences too.

We do have kids, so unfortunately there is some connection there that will always be there. Always some chance that I will see or hear things I don't want to. Both of my H's PAs have been with women who were 6 years younger than him, so not so offensive. Although 23 years is a huge age difference. Hard to believe they have things in common, that she will want to care for an old man when in a vibrant part of her life, and there could be much meeting of the minds with generational gaps there.

What I am going to say is true of my situation, because that is really the only one I can speak to on these issues. I don't mean to judge anyone and these are very touchy subjects fraught with pain and stress.

I have never, ever blamed the other women. They did not make any promises to me or my children. Even if they threw themselves at him (which I doubt) he is the one who made the commitments and should have steered clear. The first PA was clearly a borderline. They had an underground affair for 3 years. Then I found out about it and they went back and forth for 10 months. He kept promising it was done, and then kept going back. Then I kicked him out. I heard from her later that she lost interest in him 3 weeks later. He circled in toward home for a few months then took up with the second PA. She has three kids, is quite impoverished, is religious, a drinker, has a big family and a big dog. He always been an atheist, was completely opposed to drinking (but now has become a drinker at age 48), hates family and doing things with family, and hates pets. When you see how absurd these relationships are in terms of fit you can truly appreciate that they just took up with the first person pathetic enough to get involved with them.

He was very unkind to me for the last 12 months he was in the home and the first 12 he was out. Since then he refuses to see me or talk to me, but constantly pokes at me and tries to get my attention by doing things (sometimes kind, but usually unkind). I think this too has made it easier to be indifferent to him.

At the end of the day Ruby, I choose me. I choose my happiness, my children's happiness, and my future. I think it is kml who always says to let go or be dragged and that is so true. There just comes a time where your shift in focus goes from what you have lost to what you are losing by not letting go.

I know my H is miserable. I saw the phone records early on when he and the first PA were hanging up on each other and calling each other back thirty times in a row like crazy people. When she called me she told me he talked about killing himself and what was the point of going on. He behaved like the same zombie he did at home. He has been on online dating sites the whole time he has been with the second PA. If life was that wonderful, why would he do that? I more or less goaded him into filing for divorce, but he still can't see it through. He doesn't seem to be able to let go.

I think in our case he is afraid of me. I know the legal system and I've already done things that have put some fear into him in the case. I also know things about him that will be very detrimental to his professional life.

Ruby, the person he is now is an absolute mess. I deserve so much more than that. Sometimes I would think about what it would be like if he came back (he did once for a week and was awful to us). I do not want to live like that anymore and my children don't either.

I was able to take my glasses off early on and see him and our relationship for what it was at the end (not at the beginning, that was long ago and he is a different person now). I am no one's second choice. I am a once in a lifetime kind of woman and I deserve to be with someone who gets that. If he isn't out there, then I choose me. Just as I am for now and eternity.

In my view you can't be friends with someone who lies to you, abandons you, breaks their promises, breaches your trust and leaves you without much thought. They want to feel like a good guy, but they aren't. When they can come and go and come and play nice, they don't have to feel like a bad guy or feel the consequences of their choices. I am polite but informative with mine. He gets nothing more than that.

We all take the time we take to let go. But I do think Michelle and her theory are correct. Until we really let go and they feel that (and boy will they test you again and again to see if you really have let go), they are not worried about losing you. I read somewhere that the better the marriage, the kinder the wife, the safer they feel in living that other life. Mine now knows that I am gone. He knows the kids are gone. He has moved in with OW2 and her kids and is living the big life in a crappy, small house, in a crappy, small town. He is welcome to that life.

What do I think the recipe is? Time and valuing yourself. Stop being there for him. Don't let him see you sitting there on the shelf. Let him go off to his dream life abroad with his crack with a pulse and wonder what you are doing and how your life is going and who is there with you. Another of my favorite poems by AE Housman ("Is My Team Ploughing"):

“Is my team ploughing,
That I was used to drive
And hear the harness jingle
When I was man alive?”

Ay, the horses trample,
The harness jingles now;
No change though you lie under
The land you used to plough.

“Is football playing
Along the river shore,
With lads to chase the leather,
Now I stand up no more?”

Ay the ball is flying,
The lads play heart and soul;
The goal stands up, the keeper
Stands up to keep the goal.

“Is my girl happy,
That I thought hard to leave,
And has she tired of weeping
As she lies down at eve?”

Ay, she lies down lightly,
She lies not down to weep:
Your girl is well contented.
Be still, my lad, and sleep.

“Is my friend hearty,
Now I am thin and pine,
And has he found to sleep in
A better bed than mine?”

Yes, lad, I lie easy,
I lie as lads would choose;
I cheer a dead man’s sweetheart,
Never ask me whose.

Choose you, dear Ruby. Choose you. He made his choice. Now let him live it. You do you.

Last edited by OneArt; 10/22/18 06:58 AM.
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Thank you OneArt, your post makes a lot of sense & I’m so grateful that you took the time to reply. I really admire your resolve & strength. I will try not to blame the OW in future, as hard as it is - that may have to be a “work in progress”!

You are right, I need to value me & live my life. I’ll try to remember your words & the poem next time I’m having a bad day.

Thank you for words of wisdom..

I wish you all the best.

Ruby


M 1986
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Found out about affair May 2016.
H 57yrs. OW 23 yrs younger.
Separated Sept 2016
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Originally Posted by OneArt
I do love him. I usually don't admit that. But I do. I married him for life even if he didn't do the same. I want him to be happy. That is new for me. I want him to work his way through his stuff. But for him and for my kids, and not for me. I don't think he will find happiness with the present OW but if he does, I am ok with that.


I feel exactly the same. My commitment was for life when we married, and I meant it. H has been unfaithful for so many years, both physically and emotionally, I question sometimes why I hang on. Hopes that he will have an epiphany and change his ways? The day he left 3 weeks ago, I hugged him and said "I hope you find what you're looking for". I meant it. Whether that be with or without me, only the future has that answer. One thing I realized, is that people who can't stand themselves fill the void with quick feel good things (in the case of H, other women, porn, and internet philandering), but these are all things that causes them to feel even worse about themselves, and the cycle continues.
As our MC said, you can't divorce yourself.

Originally Posted by OneArt
I don't want to be his friend. I was his friend for more than 25 years. That he did take away. I would like to be friendly with him, for the sake of my kids, but I don't think he is ready for that. I have no expectations of him. Not in a good way or a bad. I have finally quelled the mind movies. Now, when they come, I politely ask them to leave. I understand why he feels the need to hurt me from time to time and I no longer take it personally. I know that I haven't done anything to warrant it, so I know it is part of his stuff.


H told me several months before I asked him to move out that he hopes no matter what happens, he sees no reason we can't remain friends that he really cares for me and wants to take are of me. Uh, NO. Emotional abandonment, PA, and EA are not taking care of me. I will remain friendly, and when we are together with the kids for holidays, etc, upbeat, but he's not capable of being anyone's friend I don't think right now, let alone me. He has nothing to give. He's too damaged.



Originally Posted by OneArt
But I also know that I will be there for him. If he's ever brave enough to ask for my help. I will help him.


Word.


M: 56
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Grace, I think they do mean in the moment that they want to be friends. Then they go deeper and deeper into the tunnel. The clingers too start to vanish. Everything goes dark. They want no one. If we are not careful and disconnect before then, we go into a tunnel too.

Everything takes time. All of it. I refer to the Stockdale Paradox every once in a while to remind myself that this will come to an end, I don't know when it will end, but I can make the most of my life in the meantime.

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time is a good thing

MLC probably gives us enough time to heal and shift and decide which new direction to take
and it takes most of us a few years to make some new turns
I think the time is never wasted no matter how long it all takes
we keep growing learning and changing
becoming better parents better more independent people
better self esteem
and whatever direction we take--it is right and we get ready tp move forward and then more
and I agree with you will get out of this phase exactly at the right timing


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Ok, so I guess the escalation is going to continue. Canceling my memberships with no notice, parking outside my house, misdirecting my EOBs, etc. and today the kicker.

I have been experiencing some issues with my mail. I had an intervening event with a relative using my address and putting in a forwarding order and blamed that. Today I go to the PO to inquire after a piece of mail I should have received. The woman comes back with that and a huge armload of mail. She says you weren't getting your mail because you put in a hold order. She said there is a note in the back. I said I never put in a hold order and ask to see the note. Seems someone called into the PO and told them to hold my mail. Said person has come in once to pick up mail and had to show a DL.

I am angry, but letting it go. I realize that he is trying very hard to get me to explode at him and I simply refuse to do it. I had already rented a PO box. I guess I will move my mail earlier than I intended.

I really do think that they reach a point where they need to be reminded that we are horrible people to keep doing what they are doing, and when they can't they try to force those interactions. When that fails and we remain calm, serene, etc. then I think they have to look for other reasons that are behind their actions.

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That is crazy

Do You know for sure it is him..
Did the PO have his name?


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OneArt,

You've hit the nail on the head! Yes, they very much need to hate us and if we don't react/respond to their nonsense, then they have to find other ways to ramp it up so that we will react.

I am so sorry about your mail situation. I had some issues w/my mail as well. I can understand your frustration, but do change your address to the PO Box as quickly as you can.



Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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