It's been a while! I'm happy to read your update. I always had a strong suspicion that your wife would do this. She just didn't have any good reason to divorce you. Even your alleged shortcomings weren't a good reason. The way you described how you feel about the whole scenario makes sense. It would have been a dream-come-true if this happened a lot sooner. It's a really difficult choice. If the reason why all this happened was your wife's depression then I guess it's good she finally received treatment and she's making progress but it sounds like it's maybe still early in her recovery? I guess it'll take a while to figure all this out. I hope you'll keep us posted. I hope we can support you with your next steps!
oh wow Jim! Just caught up on your recent posts. What an update! You have so much to think about and I think you're taking good prudent steps. You've had a long journey and my only recommendation is to separate your emotions from reality and see what it actually there. I know this is hard to do, and you're getting an opportunity that all of us thought we wanted when we got here. But, like BH said, it would be hard for me at this point to reconsider a R with exW. Not sure where you fall on that scale of thought with all that has happened.
Keep us posted and I wish you all the best in your decision making process. It's not an easy one and I feel for your GF. It's great that you're upfront about it and not treating her like Plan B. Everyone deserves to be wanted, not be someone waiting in the wings.
Hey Jim, I used to tell my brother after BD that my worst nightmare was that I would get in a serious new R and THEN my XW would want to recon, because in that scenario someone is getting hurt no matter what and the last thing I want to do is hurt someone the way my XW hurt me, even if it's my XW. I wouldn't wish that on her. So you're living out my worst nightmare! I think you handled the convo with XW quite well. Beyond that I would just say keep your guard up with her because it doesn't sound like she has shown you ANYTHING to indicate she's serious. All she did was say she changed her mind. Words are cheap. What work has she done on herself other than getting on some new meds? What has she done to try and earn your trust back? It doesn't sound like she's done anything so far. And like you said, she doesn't even seem to be aware that she needs to own some issues. Not good signs at all. I understand the lure to recon, there are always going to be feelings there. But I would be very hesitant to throw away your newer BETTER relationship to recon with someone who is more than likely still a train wreck.
my only recommendation is to separate your emotions from reality and see what it actually there. I know this is hard to do, and you're getting an opportunity that all of us thought we wanted when we got here. But, like BH said, it would be hard for me at this point to reconsider a R with exW. Not sure where you fall on that scale of thought with all that has happened.
Keep us posted and I wish you all the best in your decision making process. It's not an easy one and I feel for your GF. It's great that you're upfront about it and not treating her like Plan B. Everyone deserves to be wanted, not be someone waiting in the wings.
All the best!
I am trying very hard to think logically, and not emotionally. I have long struggled to emotionally disconnect from STBXW, and was mostly there when this bomb hit. I'm really trying to be upfront and fair to GF, but I just keep telling her I'm still thinking about it. It [censored] to be her right now, and I'm very sympathetic to that.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
keep your guard up with her because it doesn't sound like she has shown you ANYTHING to indicate she's serious. All she did was say she changed her mind. Words are cheap. What work has she done on herself other than getting on some new meds? What has she done to try and earn your trust back? It doesn't sound like she's done anything so far. And like you said, she doesn't even seem to be aware that she needs to own some issues. Not good signs at all. I understand the lure to recon, there are always going to be feelings there. But I would be very hesitant to throw away your newer BETTER relationship to recon with someone who is more than likely still a train wreck.
All very good points. I can't keep the new GF dangling while giving STBXW the opportunity to earn my trust and show she's serious. I can't even guide STBXW on what her issues are without feeling like I'm betraying my GF. I keep leaning first one way and then the other. I'm leaving Saturday for a few days for work, and I hope to have made a decision by the time I get back.
I took a road trip with D17 on Tuesday. I didn't think about it until I was lying in bed that night, but I realized then that I was asking her a lot of questions about STBXW, I guess to get a gauge on how well the new treatment was working. Inquiring about her makes me wonder whether I'm as detached as I thought I was.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim I have read your sitch from the beginning, I came to this site around the same time as you. I would also find it hard to R at this point but my W just keeps prolonging the D for whatever reason. Anyway take your time, this will be a very difficult decision for you to make. I wish you well.
Nicole, bhappy, and everyone else, thanks for stopping by and offering your thoughts. I really appreciate it.
Bhappy, I am now starting to wonder if the prolonging the D was just a tactic to give her some time to think. Ours is literally days away from being done, and suddenly she wanted to have our talk before it became final. I don't know if that means anything, but maybe she felt the time pressure, and acted.
As far as the D goes, the draft QDRO has been approved, so I have an appointment tomorrow to sign it. It then goes to her, and her lawyer can file the settlement agreement and draft QDRO and we're done. Could be next week.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim your sitch is fairly unique as I don't think your W has been with anyone since your separation correct? From that aspect I don't think you have to process any infidelity concerns.
I guess the question is whether or not you want to potentially go back to the same R or if your W can do the work to make the necessary changes to build a better R.
Holy cow, was just looking at your timeline, it's been over two years since your W moved out?? It doesn't seem like it's been that long! Good luck, I know this is a tough decision. I tried thinking what I would do in your position, if my XW suddenly said she wanted to recon. I have to admit there's a part of me that would want to just because it would kind of feel like "victory" if that makes sense. Like saving the M is the goal rather than getting back together with W. Does it feel that way to you at all? But if I write out a ledger of pros and cons my R with my GF definitely has a much longer list of pros. Still though, very difficult decision indeed.
It's good to hear your update. Had you and your girlfriend previously discussed what would happen under this scenario? She's also going through a divorce too, right? I'm sure she's sympathetic. Is she a 'serious' girlfriend, like someone who you fell totally in love with before your wife wanted to reconcile and were you considering spending the rest-of-your-life with your girlfriend? And do you believe your girlfriend has the same feelings towards you? If so, and if your girlfriend makes you happy, then it's such a tough choice. Your situation is a little different than many of ours here because your wife wasn't having an affair and she seems to have a legitimate mental illness. That also makes it a tough choice! Then there's the whole "for better or worse" aspect of marriage. And your kids and everything that you invested into your family over the years. The thing is, you and your girlfriend must not have been together for so long (I don't remember how long). Every relationship starts out great and then over the years there are bound to be some problems. So then there's the realistic view of potentially ending up stuck-in-a-rut with your girlfriend in the long-term. And then there's your wife potentially always being in your life through your kids.
I do envy you though, because now you're the empowered one who gets to decide rather than being the one who was tossed aside. I hope whatever happens you end up moving beyond this difficult time in your life and you end up with a loving companion!
Jim your sitch is fairly unique as I don't think your W has been with anyone since your separation correct? From that aspect I don't think you have to process any infidelity concerns.
I guess the question is whether or not you want to potentially go back to the same R or if your W can do the work to make the necessary changes to build a better R.
There was never any infidelity so I have that going for me. I just don't know if W is REALLY interested in doing the work to build a better R.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I have to admit there's a part of me that would want to just because it would kind of feel like "victory" if that makes sense. Like saving the M is the goal rather than getting back together with W. Does it feel that way to you at all?
It doesn't feel so much like "victory" as "vindication". I wasn't the greatest husband, but I evidently, I wasn't SO bad that she doesn't now want to get together. And that feels pretty good, I have to admit. I'm really trying to evaluate whether I'm tempted to reconcile so I don't feel like my marriage, and by extension, me, was a failure, or because I really want to reconcile.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
But if I write out a ledger of pros and cons my R with my GF definitely has a much longer list of pros. Still though, very difficult decision indeed.
I guess it depends on whether I'm writing the list from the perspective of the first 2/3rds of our marriage, when things were wonderful, or the last 1/3rd when she had her medical issues and depression.
Originally Posted by NicoleR
Had you and your girlfriend previously discussed what would happen under this scenario? She's also going through a divorce too, right? I'm sure she's sympathetic. Is she a 'serious' girlfriend, like someone who you fell totally in love with before your wife wanted to reconcile and were you considering spending the rest-of-your-life with your girlfriend? And do you believe your girlfriend has the same feelings towards you? If so, and if your girlfriend makes you happy, then it's such a tough choice. Your situation is a little different than many of ours here because your wife wasn't having an affair and she seems to have a legitimate mental illness. That also makes it a tough choice! Then there's the whole "for better or worse" aspect of marriage. And your kids and everything that you invested into your family over the years. The thing is, you and your girlfriend must not have been together for so long (I don't remember how long). Every relationship starts out great and then over the years there are bound to be some problems. So then there's the realistic view of potentially ending up stuck-in-a-rut with your girlfriend in the long-term. And then there's your wife potentially always being in your life through your kids.
I do envy you though, because now you're the empowered one who gets to decide rather than being the one who was tossed aside. I hope whatever happens you end up moving beyond this difficult time in your life and you end up with a loving companion!
I believed this day would never come, so when this would come up, I would sweep it under the rug. Her divorce is just about finished, and she's very sympathetic. I like her, and enjoy her company, but I think I was not detached enough from W to give her the level of effort she deserved. Does that make her "Ms Right Now" instead of "Ms Right"? I don't know. Bluntly, if she dumped me, I'd miss her, but not be heartbroken, and maybe that's the answer I need.
Right now I'm leaning towards telling GF that I can't give her the all-in kind of relationship she deserves until I no longer want to reconcile with my W and I need time to resolve that, and tell W that she is not ready to reconcile until she does some of the work we've all discussed in this thread, and just take a break from having any romantic relationship for a while.
I expressed the ideas in the previous paragraph to an associate yesterday, and he asked, "OK, but what's your exit strategy? How long do you give W to string you along before you decide it's never going to happen? Will you give even more years to her, hoping she'll come around?" I can totally see myself seeing the smallest glimmer of improvement and think "aha! She's finally coming around!" until years have gone by.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
