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Jim1234 Offline OP
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So, there I was, living my new (I don't know about "awesome", but definitively "pretty good") life, and I get a text from STBX (no, it's still not final. Don't know why. The QDRO is just dragging on. We're just waiting on Schwab to confirm the draft QDRO is acceptable... and waiting..... and waiting.) saying "we need to talk." I'm thinking, "is she going to ask for more alimony? want me to pay a larger share of kid's college costs? is her mother dying?" and instead she hits me up with "We had this awesome future in front of us, and I want it back and I love you and I want to reconcile."

Awesome!!!!!! Right???

Except...... not......


I listened, I validated, used everything I've learned here over the years. We talked for about 2 1/2 hours before I finally said I'm emotionally drained, and have to go. The gist is that she's undergone ketamine therapy for her depression and it has been truly life changing, and caused her to rethink the last few years. (If you have a spouse that's severely depressed, look into it!) We talked extensively about some of the problems in our marriage, a lot about my failures as a husband, and some about her failures as a wife. She said the combination of ketamine therapy, and hearing from friends about a trip my girlfriend and I took to my parent's cabin a week ago opened her eyes, and she wanted the awesome life that we should be leading together back.

Regarding my failures, it became pretty clear that I have a very good understanding of them. Thanks AS et al for the 2X4s over the years. I asked if she could put them behind her and forgive me, and she said she does forgive me.

Regarding her failures, though, she doesn't really have a clue. The best she could give me was that "the divorce wasn't entirely your fault. I made a lot of mistakes." But when pressed, even after 8 years of marriage counselling, couldn't really give me specifics. More like "I reacted badly to things you did and didn't give you enough sex." For the record, my biggest issue was feeling like I was her last priority. I felt like as long as that paycheck kept showing up, it didn't really matter to her whether I had fallen off the planet. And yes, I told her that repeatedly in counselling.

She asked me for specifics, and I suggested she spend some time thinking about it instead. For me, having her or our therapist tell me my shortcomings wasn't nearly as impactful as figuring it out on my own (or with this forum's help!). I gave her two huge hints, though. 1. It wasn't until I started looking at things from her perspective that I started understanding my failures as a husband, and 2. I pointed out that she asked if we could meet somewhere she could smoke. I asked her to think about how important I was, from my perspective, relative to her cigarette. This is a big issue for me. For most smokers, smoking is just something else they do in their life. For her, her entire life revolved around her cigarettes.

At the end, I told her I didn't think a week of introspection was enough time for her to understand her failings relative to our marriage, and I was hesitant to reconcile, and find myself moving heaven and earth to make her happy, only to have her continue to leave my needs unfulfilled. I told her she should think some more about it, and we'd talk more later.

I stopped on the way home to reflect. My girlfriend knew I was meeting STBX, so I called her and VERY briefly told her about the conversation, and confirmed that I was still looking forward to getting together with her tomorrow. She was very understanding, and said she didn't want to stand in the way of my happiness. I assured her that she was an upgrade from STBX. In many, many ways, she is, but God help me, I'm still in love with STBX.

I guess the dream/fantasy of rebuilding, not just my marriage, but my family, is extremely powerful, and for a long sleepless night I struggled with that idea, not coming to any conclusions.

Anyway, thoughts, comments, 2X4s welcome.....

Last edited by job; 07/24/19 01:29 PM. Reason: merged two threads together because poster had not reached the 100 posting requirement

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Hey jim......I can understand your feelings, in many ways I still love my xw. You guys have a lot of memories and history between you both. I am sure you have learned and grown a lot in the past two years. Do you think it's the idea of your xw that your in love with or is it really her, the person and all that is good and bad? If you just met her would she be the one? Do you think she is a capable of making the necessary changes and those changes will stick?

It's such a personal decision and really only one you can make.


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I have merged your two threads together because your previous thread had only 79 postings. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings. You can change your subject line within a thread at any time.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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JimR, wow!! Just wow. I have to admit, and as the manly outdoorsman I am, i don't admit this lightly, but I have tears welling up in my eyes reading this.

Overall, I think you handled it well. And unless I am not remembering properly, there were some spiritual issues involved, weren't there? Is she straightening those out? (Sorry if I am not remembering this right.) If that is correct I do not see any future possible without her shoring that up.

I am still processing. BUT, we need lots and lots of current posters to read this. We try to tell new posters all the time that D isn't the end of the world. That it is merely a step in the process. Sometimes the WAS has to go all the way through (or in your case almost all of the way) before they finally wake up.

I realize that you know this....but she has a lot of work to do, and the road back needs to be even more difficult than the road away. I truly believe that the best way to set yourself up for a future BD is to let the WAS comeback too easily. They need to prove to you and to themselves that they are in it for the long haul. So whatever you decide, make her do her work!

I feel bad for the GF. This is why I do not advocate dating again until after the D is final (slight 2x4 here). Well that and for me morally dating while still married, even if only legally, goes against my Christian sensibilities.

Keep us informed and up-to-date!


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Wow.

I am one of the newer LBS's - 2.5 years into W's MLC, 11 months since I've been "out of the R", 4 months since BD and DB. Still IHS but my W is cutting bait quickly and on her way out the door soon.

This must be why they say it's not over till it's over.

One quick observation - and I dont know as much about things as others here, I'll fully admit that - but I do find it curious that this introspection only started after she heard about you and GF's trip.

That's all I got though.

Wow again.

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Jim1234 Offline OP
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Guys, thanks for the input.

Originally Posted by Steve85
Overall, I think you handled it well. And unless I am not remembering properly, there were some spiritual issues involved, weren't there? Is she straightening those out? (Sorry if I am not remembering this right.) If that is correct I do not see any future possible without her shoring that up.!


There are some spiritual issues, and that will have to be addressed.

Originally Posted by Steve85
I realize that you know this....but she has a lot of work to do, and the road back needs to be even more difficult than the road away. I truly believe that the best way to set yourself up for a future BD is to let the WAS comeback too easily. They need to prove to you and to themselves that they are in it for the long haul. So whatever you decide, make her do her work!!


That's one of the reasons I'm hesitant. She hasn't done any of the work to understand her failings as a wife, and her part in the failure of our marriage. I am not about to to just say "OK", and paper over all the issues. I've been through too much for that. I saw our marriage therapist yesterday, and she had some good suggestions such as requiring her to go to therapy as part of the process. She has a lot to prove to me that these changes are permanent, and that will take time.

Originally Posted by Steve85
I feel bad for the GF. This is why I do not advocate dating again until after the D is final (slight 2x4 here).


Yeah. Up until the other night, I was in the "date, but be honest with them about what's going on" camp, and now, knowing what's about to happen to the GF, I've changed my mind. The therapist also helped me realize that I am not fully detached yet from my wife, and now that my wife has reignited that issue, I need to address it before GF and I can really move forward. I don't want to let GF go, but if GF and I are ever going to have a relationship, it kind of needs to go through my wife. I know I worded that badly. Maybe "I need to try a reconciliation so wondering "what if" doesn't torpedo my GF's and my relationship in the future".


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My suggestion. Tell GF that you need to break from her until you figure all of this out. It isn't fair to her to keep her "waiting in the wings" as Plan B.


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Steve, I agree with you entirely. Well, almost entirely. We have tickets to see the Stones on the 1st of August. We've both been looking forward to that. I asked her to give me until then to make a decision, and she was fine with that. But I can't see her while I'm figuring this out. As she's said, she's not willing to be a placeholder girlfriend, and I have enough respect for her not to ask that of her.

And IronWill, you aren't the only one to note that her change of heart came after she heard about my trip to the cabin with my girlfriend!


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Jim, that is awesome.

We rarely see WAWs wanting to reconcile, so your sitch is pretty unique. Please continue to keep us updated. I'm sure a lot of us will pay close attention your thread from now on (and root for you, LOL)

Good luck whatever route you decide to go.


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Jim I have read your sitch from the beginning, I came to this site around the same time as you. I would also find it hard to R at this point but my W just keeps prolonging the D for whatever reason. Anyway take your time, this will be a very difficult decision for you to make. I wish you well.


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