Brave Little Gerda Gazes Into the Endless Tundra

[Gerda]

Previous thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2805286#Post2805286

Too sad today to explain any of it! But deeply appreciative of those who have been helping me this week, esp DnJ, Job and Gordie. Love you guys.

I will say this, because I saw that there were 1700 views of my thread, so I guess other people are reading it. I want to say that I still have faith in God's plan, or at least I am praying to get that faith back with full force. I still love my H. I still want to restore our M and I still believe it is possible. Right now I am having to face D, something I never thought I would have to do. I don't understand why God is allowing this but I want to believe he has a good reason for it, and I am praying now for discernment as He walks with me through this furnace. If God is allowing this, it must be the door he wants to open. If He wants me to go to battle with my H to protect and nurture my kids, He must be preparing me to do that with courage and clarity, battling without losing myself to the darkness I have to enter.

I just want to say that here for those who are watching, to say that I haven't lost my faith, or at least that I am clutching at it. Even if my H doesn't ever come out of this, I still believe that God's plan is for restoration, even if my H continues to say no to God's plan.

This came into my inbox today. It's mucho Christian so I know it's not for everyone. But for anyone following my thread in order to try to keep standing, I thought I would post it here.

TRUST GOD’S PLAN
by Laurie in Canada

Monday, September 10, 2018
I have been asked this question many, many times in the years I have been faithful to my vows. It is a common question that I would wager a bet most if not all of us have been asked during the course of our journey. This one question that we are all asked by multiple people will determine what others will think of God and Christianity. How we behave and how we hold ourselves will either attract or detract from God. Are people looking at you with pity? Or are people looking at you with wonder?

If your stand is only to have your husband or wife return to you, then you will be fighting an uphill battle, with plenty of doubt and fear. You will be watching your spouse' s every move and trying to figure out if your suddenly is near or if you have misheard God telling you to stand for your marriage.

Perhaps there is a better way. Or perhaps this is not really about your marriage or your spouse. It is about God and your commitment to Him and keeping your covenant to Him. It really does not matter what your spouse is doing or saying, nor does it matter if God will restore or not restore your marriage. What matters is this. YOU made a commitment to God and your spouse, it is now time to decide if you are willing to keep that commitment or not. It is now time to decide if you are willing to trust God's plan for your life no matter what the results may be. Do you trust Him?

Romans 8:28 says, And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Do you believe that? If you do then why the worry? Why the doubt? Trust that if you spouse is not home then there is a good reason for it. God knows the reason; do you trust Him?

God hates divorce and He has made that very clear in scripture, so now we are to decide if we are going to obey Him and stand on our vows not knowing if God will move or when He will move. Are we going to stand because we know His commands and are willing to follow them even when it hurts?

“If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” John 14:15

Do you? Do you love him enough to deny your flesh and stand in the gap for no other reason than he has commanded that of you?

I know this devotional is not soft or gentle, but it is what I believe standing is all about:

It is standing for what is right not what is easy.
It is standing for the glory of God not for the result we want.
It is standing on our vows and covenant to God.
It is standing against the desire for instant gratification.
It is standing in the gap for our families.
It is standing to shine a light on God's Word and our joy in following it.
It is standing to lead others to God and His saving grace.
It is standing because we said the words and we are willing to live by them.
It is standing because this life is a blink of an eye but eternal life is waiting.

Lastly we are standing for our spouse to come to God and rejoin their family.

If you take your eyes off the results and put them on God and His plan, trusting that no matter what the results are you are willing to finish the race, finish what you started, I believe God will honor you. I believe God will bless you in ways you may not expect. God wants you! He wants all of you, and trust me when I say He knows your heart. He knows if you are standing for HIM or for your spouse.

Put no one before God, not your spouse, not your children, no one.

Matthew 6:33 tells you, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

Do you believe this?

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2

Maybe, just maybe, God is testing your heart to see if your motives are good and acceptable.

Take some time and decide if the plans God had for you did not include marriage restoration, would you fall away and forsake your vows? Are your vows contingent on what God will do for you or are they because of what you will do for God? Are you willing to forsake all others as you vowed to do for the rest of your life because God asked you to?

I believe God will restore your life and your marriage if it will glorify HIM. I believe God will use you and your pain if you allow HIM to restore you and your life.

But you need to give it to Him and trust Him all the way, even in the darkness of the tunnel. KNOW He is there with you.

You have been called as a warrior of God. You have been called to show the world you WILL stand for God and His Word! This is an honor and You will be victorious when you allow Him to do whatever He wishes in your life.

God Bless and Stand Strong in Christ,

Laurie in Canada

[Westo]

Gerda, you have been given amazingly good advice and I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you (((cwtch)))

[Gerda]

Thank you for the love, Westo. It means so much. Wish I could come and have a steaming mug of tea and look out at some Welsh countryside and sigh over life's sorrows with you.

[kml]

It is a lot of equity, far too much for me to buy him out unless once we added in all the debts we share (which are massive) and then maybe took out child support til the kids are 18, maybe then the amount would be low enough that I could do something crazy to figure out a way. I am in this strange situation of having a house worth a lot more than we owe on it, but having so little income (plus the siphon of MLC) that I can't afford to get the kids to the dentist. If we have to sell it, we will have to leave where we live and lose at least half a million dollars to capital gains tax, but I will only be able to afford maybe a 2-bedroom where we live, and there will be a monthly maintenance in any building around here that is as much as monthly rent where many of you live Right now we live in a pretty big apartment for free, as the rentals in the apartments below ours cover our huge mortgage.

And yet you are thousands of dollars short of the mortgage this month? You keep saying somewhat contradictory things about your financial picture. If you would owe $500,000 in capital gains taxes, then that must mean you would realize $2.5 million from the sale of the property (as capital gains taxes are 20%)? If so, then you could take your $1.25 million share from that sale, move somewhere that $1.25 million will buy you another rental property that you can live in and generate income (using a 1031 exchange will avoid the capital gains taxes I believe) and yes, consider getting some kind of outside work to generate more income as well if you need it. ( Now if the truth is that most of that capital would be gone to pay debts then you have to face your financial reality. )

I truly DO believe your H is mentally ill or on drugs - I know you said he always spoke that way but his writing, to me, sounds truly crazy. That being said - his main complaint is that he feels you control everything and truth be told, trying to force him into staying married and not selling the building even though it is putting you underwater financially .......sounds pretty controlling.


There's a difference between a religious belief in standing - that is, caring for your spouse and leaving the door open for him to come back - and stubbornly believing that he WILL come back and that there is no other future for you than to be married to him. The latter is frankly pretty controlling.

I never wanted my ex to leave and I worked very hard to try to keep our marriage together. I still think he made a bad decision. BUT - it's not up to me to force my image of what I thought our future would be upon him.

I agree that you SHOULD ask for a psychiatric assessment - it would be nice not to have H squander away his half of the spousal equity and then end up back on your doorstep. I would ABSOLUTELY stop giving him money. And I agree with everyone else - you need a lawyer AND a good tax accountant to ensure that you get out of this with enough for you and the kids. You might also need a financial advisor to help you figure out how to get out of your current financial morass.

[Gerda]

Kml, cap gains tax is 28%, and we have a lot of debt, so it would probably not be even 1 million each, but where I live, 1 million gets you a small 2 bedroom apartment with a monthly maintenance of $2000 a month. So I would have to leave where I live and start over somewhere else in a place where I couldn't afford the maintenance. I am not sure I could even get approved for anything with my income. As I have two separate careers here (many different clients/colleges) as well as my church community and friends who are like family for my kids who have already lost so much else, I would rather stay put.

My house is also my business, earning a tidy sum that could cover the mortgage and renovations if we didn't have so much debt. And my house is all I have to offer my kids for their futures -- college or anything else. I have no retirement and no savings, and my earnings are not great, and clearly I can never hope for my H to provide anything for them. I accept that I may lose it, but I also plan to fight for it first.

Believe it or not, I might have actually already investigated all these things pragmatically and come to conclusions that are based on reality. I am a very savvy businesswoman but MLC caused a lot of financial woe for us as we ran two businesses together, and I am digging out of a huge hole with a very small shovel.

I have no idea how you came to your understandings of my faith, my situation or my outlook on whether or not my H stays. Maybe you are just skimming a couple of posts or maybe we are just so different that we could never understand each other. But I will just say -- I have not spoken to H about our R in many years and have said maybe three lines over five years about even the adultery. He most certainly does not have an impression that I am holding him to anything. My stand is very quiet and between me and God and a couple of Christian friends. And friends here. I let H go in my heart long ago and recently I asked him to go physically, but he won't leave. I prefer that he leaves now and I hope that one day he wakes up from his nightmare and comes back to himself, he was an amazing man before -- but now I am just having to gear up to help my kids and that has to be my focus.

I still try to pray for my H everyday, for him to find peace and return to God. Not to me, to God.

He may never come back to God, let alone me, and I may not be able to keep my house. I accept that.

If H squandered everything and ended up on my doorstep, he is always welcome.

So I guess that you are always welcome on my thread too. But it must be very frustrating to you to see me so stubbornly unable to see things your way. And it is very hard for me to consider what you say, because you really never provide any day-to-day friendship, you just barrel in once in a while to give me a couple of slaps and lay down the law.

But thank you for taking the time to think about me.

[Gerda]

Job, I have read your last post over many times. It really is very helpful. You always help me get my head clearer but you do it with a lot of compassion.

I find that the pain is like a constant fire in my heart. My head comes up with good things and I am doing a lot of what you say now as far as my actions, even keeping a little book recording things that I observe, but the bodily pain feels unbearable right now. I know that this can get better -- I know that either he will finally leave and I will have some peace and healing while I continue to stand (because I am now standing in total torment because he is here in front of me all the time) or that he will at some point wake up and I will be able to have the peace of working towards restoration. Either way, there is more peace in my future. But that time seems so far away, the thought of bearing this pain for the duration of these proceedings, which could be a long time, is killing me.

[DnJ]

Gerda - I am glad to read about your decision to fight for your house. Good for you.

How is daughter liking school? Has son settled down in his new school?

That bodily pain is something else, isn’t it. At times unbearable and unceasing. You are corrrect, things will get better. Continue walking through the pain, get to the other, get detached, the pain does end - I guarantee it.

I am running a bit behind this morning - I will talk more later.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

[Gerda]

Thank you for the morning greeting and encouragement, as ever! You are the best!

I have been doing a 9-day novena for clarity and discernment, and in the last few days, I got a few really clear messages that have in fact given me clarity.

Some came from people, including people here -- and as you have pointed out, even those I heartily disagreed with gave me clarity, though I did not enjoy the conversation!

Last night I was on my way home from a class I am taking to further one of my careers, biking down the avenue, and I was praying to God, remember, I am asking you for clarity in my novena, give me clarity, and right at that moment I passed a woman whose shirt said, "l'amour triomphe de tout," which means, "Love triumphs over all." I had to stop the bike and just stand there for a few moments. There have been a few things like that this week -- including realizing that the house is not a matter of his and mine, it's a matter of our kids' futures, and his wanting it to live on is part of his selfishness, it's not me blocking him from being free, it's me protecting my kids ability to go to college! And that maybe having to hear that in court will help him. Even if the court doesn't agree, at least he will have to hear it.

I openly refuse to talk to my H right now, even if he asks me about the kids, I find that I can't really answer. I just need to be as dark as possible. But I wrote him a note. It's really the first time I have said anything about our R in ages, except the note asking him to go to our rental cabin during the week. But I am happy with it, it gave me peace to say it once and have it clear --

I am sorry that I can't speak with you but I am in a great deal of pain and it is too painful for me to speak with you right now. I was very glad to read in your note that you love me; and I love you too. I am glad to answer any questions about the kids via e-mail but I am not sure I can speak with you right now. I will work on that but as I told you, I need time and space to heal and you have not been able to offer that.

I feel like I want to stay true to myself and my stand for the M even while I have to go dark and battle him in court. It's a tightrope but maybe my novena is working, I do feel a little clarity.

And about the bodily pain -- I also had the thought last night that so many people I admire suffered through a tremendous bodily pain. So many writers I love had horrible sicknesses, some of which eventually killed them. And so many great people changed the world through art or writing or political action despite (or because of!) suffering bodily pain or trouble. Yesterday I decided to start telling myself, Yes, I have a nervous condition that gives me some bodily pain and anxiety. It's just what my body does right now. But if I lost a foot I would still try to live the best life I can. When I had a mastectomy, I kept going and understood that the pain was there but that I could keep living. So I am going to try to think of my bodily suffering that way. I have been trying too hard to make it go away. Maybe for now I just need to learn to live with it and be a person who does great things despite having a terrible bodily pain.

XO

[kml]

I'm sorry Gerda, I did not realize you are not in the U.S. Here in the states capital gains would be 20% and there are many areas of the country where you could buy a house and have an income on $1 million dollars such that the additional income from your part time work would bring you up to a middle class living.

I understand your desire to keep the house, I'm just trying to make sure you are looking at your financial picture rationally. If the house can pay for itself BUT you make way less than your monthly payments on the other debt, you only have two choices: make more money working outside the home OR downsize and use the equity from the home to pay off the debts. (Unless there is equity in other properties like the vacation home that could be sold and used to pay off debts?). Continuing in your current situation however is not financially viable if you are thousands of dollars short of making the mortgage payments. I know you feel like you are on top of this but I would suggest getting an objective outside person to review your finances and your options with you. Sometimes we all overlook options, especially where emotions are involved.

Also - do not make the classic financial mistake of focusing on the children's college to the neglect of your own retirement. You need to plan for retirement first. The children can take loans for college if they must but you cannot get loans to finance your retirement.

I'm assuming in all of this that your H is not working and bringing in an income outside the home? (And he sounds so crazy in his writings I would doubt he is capable of that.)

Where I live it is not uncommon for a divorce arrangement to include the wife keeping the kids in the family home with her making the payments with an agreement to sell it when the youngest child turns 18 and split the proceeds with the divorced spouse. This may or may not be feasible where you are. Also, if your H isn't working and isn't capable of working you might be on the hook for spousal support.

In your country what are the laws regarding child support and custody? Would you be able to get custody and could he be forced to pay child support if he's not working?

[Gordie]

Thank you for your post

And those reminders

I have been thinking a lot about Abraham

Believing in a promise

Even if it was not for his life

How long to sing this song

Psalm 40