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A Message from Michele
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Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Irish M] #2876725
12/19/19 04:03 AM
12/19/19 04:03 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,429
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DnJ Offline
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Hello Irish

I had to look up Cavernoma. Thanks for sharing what was eventually diagnosed. As it sounds, daughter has a good location for any treatment that could become necessary. I am glad to hear this hasnít impacted her too much.

I was wondering if you would be giving an update about GF - and look at you! Moving in! You and her and the kids. A family of five. Congratulations!

The old house always had a haunting affect as youíve mentioned before. It is time to close that chapter and start a new one.

Youíve got a fantastic family Irish. And I include GF and her son in that, as theyíve been part of things for some time now.

Peace to you and your.

Merry Christmas.

DnJ


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: DnJ] #2877083
12/21/19 08:30 PM
12/21/19 08:30 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 717
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Irish M Offline OP
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Irish M  Offline OP
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Hi Kml, Peace , Job and DnJ

thanks for the support.

Kml, I will start with me and D19. It's a wait to have this test done. I doubt XW is interested.

DnJ, yes family of 5. The girls and her son treat each other already like brother and sisters. So protective of each other.
We did it right. took it slow. No pressure on the kids. Didnít do the harsh move in and treat the kids as take it or leave it like most parents.

We sadly just refused a house that we picked out. It didn't pass my inspection. You see I sell equipment to building inspectors. So, I was able along with a qualified inspector to see the state of the house. I knew and was looking forward to the upgrades I had to do but the condition of the roof structure would be too much. Also, electrical not to code and I would have to redo it all.

So, we are still looking. I know we will find the right one. It's out there.

Small update on XW.

I had to go to the bank to release some money to D19. Its a college fund I put aside.
The one XW tried to steal when she left.

Well, the last time I transferred money from it last fall, I had to go through my lawyer to get XW to sign a form to remove her name. I donít like having her name on D19 money and she doesnít contribute to it, so no point. When I set up these college funds for the girls, I added XW name to the placement in case something happened to me, she could transfer out.
It was set up that we can put money in at any time. If we withdrew money it would go straight into D19 account. Not ours, not mine and definitely not XW.
So I go and sign the form to release some money and I see XW name still there. I asked the bank, why is XW name still there. She was supposed to sign the form to have it removed. Well XW never showed up and it got forgotten. They did try to reach her several times. SO I remind them the lawyers made it clear. Remove her name. The bank says they will try to reach her again.

Later that night I get an e-mail.

XW Ė Iíll sign on Monday, you are welcome. I am glad to help.
I reply Ė thanks.
Day goes by.

XW Ė Iím happy you and the girls are doing good. From what I hear you are all happy. I wish you a happy Christmas and all the best for the New year. I only wish that I can connect with my girls in 2020. Iím always available anytime for them. I will do anything you think would help that happen. You know itís in their best interest Ö
Iím seeing a therapist still. Maybe we can all go together? Tell your parents I miss them as well, they were great. Have a good day


Well I got this and it sounded like I heard it before. Oh wait, last Christmas.

I replied Ė XW, did we have any choice but to move on and be happy. I would like nothing more then the girls connecting with you. Iíve tired over and beyond these past 4.5 years. It was never accepted by you. I am glad you are still seeing a therapist. Mention to them your suggestion of us all going. Iím pretty sure they will say not a good idea as individual therapy is still needed. The girls have their own still and will probably need it for quite some time.
Thanks for getting the papers signed.


No asking if they are ok or updates. I find that has become what I want from her. That will show me empathy and caring has truly returned to XW.

Iím sure Iíll hear from her one more time before New years.

Also if she really wanted to reach out to her girls she would simply email them, call them or Facebook messenger them. To which that is very open.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Irish M] #2877084
12/21/19 08:50 PM
12/21/19 08:50 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,604
Southern Maryland
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I am so sorry about the house, but you did the right thing in not purchasing it. The right one will come along in 2020 and it will be the perfect fit for all of you.

As for your xw, I am so sorry she's still out there and all she has to do is contact them through the various social media avenues.

Keep an eye on your D's college fund. She may not sign it again this week. This may be her only avenue for communication w/you and I do not think she forgot about signing and removing her name the last time around. I may be wrong, but I don't think so.

Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas! May the new year bring a life full of pleasant surprises and a new home for all of you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Irish M] #2881452
01/20/20 02:58 AM
01/20/20 02:58 AM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 717
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Irish M Offline OP
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Irish M  Offline OP
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Hi everyone.

This was an interesting week. With XW's birthday coming up i guess she is feeling the need for her kids. I got a few messages expressing her desire to connect with the girls. If I can help her.

she started with a text.
Hello. I was wondering about the therapy. Group with me and the girls. You can join us as well. to get things moving along. she had mentioned this just before Christmas.

Hi, not sure that would be a good idea just yet. They are currently in their own therapy trying to deal with the abandonment. Sorry to be frank. It is hitting them hard the past few months and they have lot on their plate. Hope your therapy is going good. take care

well Irish. I think its time. You know I am there for them. I want to be involved in their therapy.

I waited the next morning to reply.

XW, i'm sorry but it's not a good idea at the moment. Surely your therapist would agree with me. There will be a time hopefully soon. Have you tried writting them. Their emails havent changed , nor has their cell phones. Let's see how everyones personal therapy goes and discuss it with the therapists. have a good day

So 4 days goes by. No more texts but an email.

Irish, why do I get the feeling that you are trying to manipulate me. You clearly aren't helping the girls and punishing me because I left you is wrong. Keeping the girls from me. You know when a couple seperates the kids should be made to love each parent the same no matter what. They shouldn't be made aware of others choices and should not have a word to say about it. They should accept it for what it is. Why can't we talk like adults. I feel you diminished my choices. The only thing I am angry at you is that. Keeping the girls from me.

They will come back to me and love me, I'll accept them like we were never apart.

P.S. If you write back, I only answer to positive and ignore the negative.


I read this and said to myself. WTF... WOW. she's still very much lost in her alternative reality.

I did reply. How could I not.

XW, I read your email and to be honest I am surprised. How after 4.5 years you can still think I am keeping the girls from you. D19 has her own car she is a free adult woman. If she was ready to face you she would have done so.

your mother wrote me a few months ago. said the same thing word for word about divorece and kids loving each parent. What you both tend to forget is either of you have attempted to see them or reach out to them.

I'm tired of repeating what you did. Maybe some small points will be eariser to understand.

- you told the girls when you left you didn't want to be a mother
- you chose to run instead of comforting your daughters about our seperation.
- choice of guys you dated . If the table was turned You would not encourage the girls to see me.
- never gave them your address where you live.
- only time you did reach out to them was to blame them for your pain. Last email to them was in early 2017
- sent a balif to the house on D19's 18th birthday to take her to court to stop paying her child support of 25$ a month .

so please, enough with the bull. Consider me answering these messages my way of helping. If you don't want to face the truth don't try. I won't entertain you as the victim. I truly hope one day you will figure this all out. take care



She followed my email with a text this evening .

You do know I love the girls. In your heart you know that. My choices of boyfriends and if they have their own issues it is their problem. I am not responsible for their actions or what ever you have heard about them.
have a good night


Actually XW, I question your love for them at this moment. 5 years ago I saw your love and felt it for them. There was action and genuine care.

As for you boyfriend past and present. I'm sorry, you chose them it is your responsibility. If they drink to get drunk , do drug and mistreat women, that is an environment the girls do not need . I agree we are all responsible for our own actions. But there is a thin line on what we introduce to the girls. That is on you.

Lets step back because clearly we are not on the same page. If there is something important about the girls I will let you know. take care .


So next week is her birthday. This will probably fade away into the never happened. I do wish her well. One day it will all come back to her.

No remorse and still blaming the girls and me. Still far from the light

take care everyone.

Irish


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Irish M] #2881455
01/20/20 03:34 AM
01/20/20 03:34 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,748
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OwnIt Offline
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It is interesting that she thinks two virtually adult woman would not know that their mother was absent for five years. How is that something you told the girls? The choices that matter, the ones that involved no mother, are the ones that were patently obvious. Were you supposed to convince the girls she was in the living room knitting? How exactly were you supposed to make them love her? How are you keeping them from her when you constantly encourage her to call and write and she doesn't do it?

Half the time she tells you she doesn't need or want your help and you can only speak to her through her lawyer, the other half of the time she is chastising you for not helping after asking in a completely inappropriate manner.

I know it doesn't help anything, but yours is about the saddest case. As a woman, I just can't get this at any level. It just seems like if it is not mental illness then it has to be drugs, or both.

Mine gets crazy around his birthday every year too. It is hard when that time is near the holidays, seems to make it worse, but then thankfully it is over.

I hope the girls, their health, and the relationship are going well. You and the girls deserve that happiness in your life.

Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Irish M] #2881458
01/20/20 04:32 AM
01/20/20 04:32 AM
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DnJ Offline
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Hello Irish

I feel for you.

Itís interesting XWís repeated desire for group therapy, which includes you in the mix. I wonder how and what she figures that would go down like. I agree this is not the time for that. Sheís got some other conversations that need to be have first.

Quote
You know when a couple seperates the kids should be made to love each parent the same no matter what. They shouldn't be made aware of others choices and should not have a word to say about it. They should accept it for what it is.

My XW said the same thing. Yeah, no other choices but to love me and everything I did and do. Oh and no one should have anything to say about it.

My response was that the kids have hearts and minds of their own and know their values and morals. The very traits that she instilled within them over the years. Of course XW didnít like that. smile

Irish, I have much empathy and respect for you. Your XW is pretty far off the map.

Your conversation with XW is nothing really new. Same blaming of you by her, and the same deflection from her. I did like the point form, even though it will likely not get through. Although little by little some will eventually seep in.

She repeatedly seems like she wants to contact the girls. Gets consumed by guilt, shame, and fear. Then blames you, since she cannot face her actions. Then a while later, it repeats. This has happened quite a few times.

A positive in all this, every future conversation is a little better than before. Some of those first ones ended with her pretty mad. This current reiteration has her having longer conversations and sort of responding to some of the valid points you make.

I really like the stating of facts, that the girls are adults and their emails and phone numbers are the same as before. Nice and even keeled from you; demonstrating a lot of patience.

It is sad to see how little remorse she shows, how little growth she has achieved. You are correct, she is still far from the light.

Your progress is most evident. Keep shinning.

DnJ


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Irish M] #2881568
01/20/20 09:03 PM
01/20/20 09:03 PM
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rd500 Offline
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Hi Irish , happy new year ,I too had to google your daughters condition and as it seems it's not in a dangerous place so that's fantastic news. Sending positive thoughts her way.. great news on your house hunting and your blended family ,, congrats you deserve every happiness and after the rock you have been for your daughters it's great they have you and your lady friend as positive role models in their lives.

Your Exw appears to be coming out of her fog , I say this because I often wonder how a mother who leaves her children can come to terms with what they did ( once the fog starts.to clear) . How can they accept responsibility for what they did, it cant be easy. I'm not saying it should be easy of course but alot of pepple struggle to accept thier errors so trying to accept that you walked away from your children must be almost impossible.

It took me a good while to accept I had my fair share iof blame n my marriage breakdown, not how Exw left or acted after she left but the lead up to BD. So when I try to imagine how a mother can accept her choice to leave her children once the fog starts to clear , I just can't see how she can come to terms with it. That day may come for your Exw but I believe she might never get there 100%. While shes struggling to get there she has to lay the blame at someone door and you are the prime target. As always you handle these exchanges with class and you don't get drawn in. A true sign you have moved forward with your life.

I hope you find your dream home soon and your family continues to get stronger and stronger.

Take care, Rd

Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Irish M] #2881594
01/21/20 01:15 AM
01/21/20 01:15 AM
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I like the way you responded

just the facts
no real judgement and way less anger thank in years past
more acceptance

I like how you said this next line--perfectly said--well done

"Consider me answering these messages my way of helping.really it is"

She needs to hear the truth
no more sugar coating at this point like we did in the start of the crises
Hopefully she will wake up


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: peacetoday] #2881664
01/21/20 02:16 PM
01/21/20 02:16 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,604
Southern Maryland
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Irish,

I like the way that you have responded to your XW. She has a long way to go and let's face it, she may never fully wake up and accept the fact that she is the one that has burned her bridge between her daughters and herself. It's truly a shame because your daughters are growing up and will soon be out on their own.

I hope all is well w/you and the girls and your daughter's health issue is doing much better.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Standing our ground - together as a family [Re: Irish M] #2881862
01/22/20 05:38 PM
01/22/20 05:38 PM
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Posts: 1,148
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Gerda Offline
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Irish, I think you handled it really well. My H recently told me that he was ready to take both kids, full time, no help from me, even though he is trying to sell our house from under us and has not given a penny in child support since this started, except as a credit off ED. My son hasn't spoken to H since he moved out in June, and rarely spoke to him in the few years before that.

So reading your post, I admit that, while it was heartening to see as ever what a great dad you are, it was kind of disheartening to think of all the years that have passed and how she is still living a false narrative. I guess some of them never wake up.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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