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NicoleR Offline OP
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Here's a link to the previous thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2802474&page=1

Neffer thanks. It's not by choice that anyone would view me as a single woman and it's not something I want, but I'll try to do as you say and feel the fresh air.

The big question I keep asking myself is whether it's right or wrong to have any faint glimmer of hope that my husband could ever come back and work to reconcile. If it's a clear and obvious "no" to everyone else and I'm just not seeing it then maybe it'd help me to work harder to confront reality and move on. I wish to get input from a real expert in addition to people who've been through this in real life like many of you here.

I'm happy and thankful that my career is going better-than-ever and my daughter didn't cry when she went back to school today. Next week I'll leave here there for the first time until 5:30 PM one day. We'll see how that goes.

Thanks to everyone here who has read and responded to this thread for your support. I really appreciate it.

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My honest fear for you, Nicole, as I silently read, that if your H would come back tomorrow, you would take him back no questions asked, no boundaries established, no changes needed to be made. I fear you will do that and you will go through the 3rd cycle.

I think either way you should move on. Should your H become a changed man who has actually seen error in his ways and has done the work needed on himself to not do what he did yet again, then you will be in a better place to even consider it. Moving on means getting your life in order as if he wasn't coming back. If he ever does, under the right pretenses, then you deal with that then.

Live your life right just as it is. Confront your reality right now and act accordingly. It doesn't mean you close the door to any future possibilities, but you do need to live your life as if he isn't coming back.

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Ditto.

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Nic, I think for there will always be a glimmer of hope for those of us that that value commitment and honor our vows. Along with this hope we also must continue to move forward and strive for the best fort ourselves and our kids. Be it with or without WAS. I just hope and pray that we can all find a peaceful resolution so that our hearts and minds can no longer be troubled. Stay well- Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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NicoleR Offline OP
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Thanks Ginger and OneArt. Yes I agree with what you're saying. I keep getting stuck though. I'll write more as briefly as possible tomorrow regarding why there's so much repetition in my posts and why I can't seem to get past this point. One thing is clear though which is that I couldn't take my husband back quickly or with no questions. The destruction he caused is too great. This is the second time he did this and this time not only did he leave and carry on with another woman but he displaced us, left us struggling financially, abandoned his daughter for an extended period of time, and had no concern for our welfare. I took him back the first time because he was only gone for eight weeks and he seemed remorseful and I wasn't well-equipped at that time to anticipate what could happen by taking him back easily. This time there'd need to be many conditions to protect my daughter and myself and even then there is no guarantee that my husband could sustain an effort to reconcile. I do wish he'd try because he wrecked his own life in addition to ours.

LoneWlf, yes I guess that glimmer of hope is hard to shed. It would be nice to feel more at peace. I used to be really comfortable with uncertainty but not now. I hope the same wish for a peaceful resolution for everyone here.

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Nicole, he's not coming back.

I understand how hard it is to let that last glimmer of hope extinguish, though. My WAW isn't coming back either, but I can't quite let go. I'm living like she isn't, and that is all I can do until that last glimmer is gone. "Fake it 'til you make it!"


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"The only concern is if you start dating someone and it gets serious the guy thinks it's time to start spending nights together and I say no at that time, then he'll probably be upset that he wasted his time. I just feel it's so much easier to skip this whole ordeal. "

Nicole, I just saw this quote from your last thread. I guess there's two things i want to say... the first is that if you are up front about how you feel (maybe not on the first date or two, though), whether he has wasted his time will be completely up to him. If you are honest with him, whether he wastes his time or not will not be your responsibility or fault. The second is that you seem to be putting a lot of obstacles up yourself. Stop worrying about where it "probably" will lead, or whether he's too young,or whether he'd want sex too soon, or he's too far away, or where you will meet him, or...... and just go with the flow. You might be pleasantly surprised. There are obviously guys who are interested.


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Hi Ginger1 and OneArt, here's the follow-on to your messages - this is the part where I'm really stuck and this is why I can't get past the repetition. I just don't know how to move on more than I have. I really apologize to everyone for writing the same stuff but I'll do it one more time just to ask the question based on this context. I packed up and moved 1,000 miles away, rented an apartment in my own name without my husband, found a full-time job with my own insurance, stopped contacting my husband completely aside from one time when our daughter was really sick earlier in the summer, did many 180's after identifying my own weaknesses and behavior that contributed to the downfall of the marriage, and I've done GAL more than I ever did even in college. I'm living independently as 100% single parent with no help from my husband so he's off-the-hook aside from the money he sends us. I've spent thousands on counseling and therapy this past year and I'll probably soon start again. I've tried to accept the fact that I turned 40 and have more physical flaws and I'm trying to find a way forward where I don't let those flaws weaken my self-esteem in light of the 20 years olds my husband has dated. I've tried to at least imagine getting into a future relationship and how that might happen (or not).

I just don't know what more to do. I hear you loud-and-clear that I should move on but what more can I do? The only further step I see is to get into a new relationship because ultimately I loved sharing my life with someone. Sure we can all live single but most of us would be lying if we say we're truly happy alone and have no desire to share our lives with someone special.

Perhaps the answer is to stop talking about that final glimmer of hope, to suppress it both internally and externally, and to present an image that I've moved on to the world and even to this forum and that is the next step? It doesn't feel intuitive to do that but is that what others have done?

Jim, you say fake it 'til you make it so maybe this is what you're saying. Is that right? I can also try to convince myself that my husband isn't coming back since even getting fired didn't make him stop and think about his life. On the other hand he's still on a trajectory towards becoming closer again. I heard him asking our daughter on the phone how I'm doing. He's been applying for jobs in the Midwest and said "I'm doing this for us, so I can support us." He's been calling more often and he's more like his normal self. My sense is that he's been dating someone again recently but I doubt it's serious or else he'd disappear again or start pushing for divorce again. He hasn't asked to spend the night here, so obviously he's not willing to take any risks, but I'm still waiting to see where he finds a job and decides to live.

Jim, I'll also try harder to keep an open mind and to be honest if I meet anyone. I still don't feel comfortable with dating but if I meet someone where there's mutual interest we could try meeting and talking and see where it goes. It's hard not to have those obstacles because my whole life has been based on sets of rules and limitations that served as a safety net and helped in making the right decisions (except for marrying my husband obviously). It's hard to let go because if I just go with whatever emotions I feel at the moment I might end up with someone who isn't right for my daughter or who will have the same characteristics as my husband. I'll try to let go but not to the extent where I make bad decisions. It's a new area for me. I have no interest in starting over with a new man but I know as time passes I can't depend on my husband coming back.

I will try to find a new counselor and I'll keep trying to get past this point of being stuck. I'll keep everyone posted on how this happens and I greatly appreciate advice from those who've made it past. Thanks again.

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Hi N, Iīm at work here and I have to go now so I canīt write too much.

Just sending you a big big big big big hug.

Yes, let him go...

(Iīll need to use sunglasses but itīs raining outside...)


((((((((N))))))))


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Nic - Don't minimize how far you have come!!!! Give yourself a pat on the back girl!!!!

I think repeated statements like "I'm waiting to see if my H gets a job/where my H gets a job" is why you are still being held back. Detatching and moving forward wouldn't see your self/future dependent on your H for anything. Its like "if he gets a job far away from us... then I know he has hung up the towel and move on". You asked me how I know and your H knows you are still available - its that statement.

I'm not judging you or chastising you. But you need find a mantra and repeat to yourself daily - these are my plans and what I'm going to do - what H does is of little matter to me.

As I said before - they only really want to come back when you have truly moved on.

Nic if he takes a job across the country and then has an epiphany he wants his M - he will move mountains to make it happen. When/where he gets said job should only impact your financial situation and nothing else.

Now, as far as dating... do that when you are really ready. In meantime is it far fetched to meet a colleague/friend for beer or coffee? I think I gave you the wrong impression earlier. I barely dated in High School or College for that matter as I was painfully shy. I had a couple of very serious relationships before I met my current H. I didn't date at all for 3 years when I split from my son's father - I was content with my career and raising a special needs child. But, my 180 in life was making myself say yes more to things that I wouldn't have before, which meant accepting a lot of first dates. You will be surprised what you really learn about yourself when you are willing to put yourself out there. These were very low key dinner meet and greets - no pressure, no strings attached. Just because you go out on a first date doesn't mean you are expected to have some type of commitment in any way. They don't need to know your life story. Just go and have dinner and casual conversation.

I think that you are at the stage considering that there might be someone else... that you are discussing the idea of dating is a huge step in moving forward. You are looking at alternate futures for yourself and that is a huge thing to wrap your head around given how much you have invested in your idea of what your M should be.

Be proud of how far you have come!

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