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Coly, I have no real help to offer you at this stage, though I will re-echo the advice about protecting your finances. Better safe than sorry.

I would add that by sending that text or any other aggressive behaviour will not help YOU. You need to be a steady rock. This does not mean approving his actions but moreso not adding to his turmoil. His life is not great at the moment and it has nothing to do with you (as in it isn't your fault/doing). Don't let him associate you with his undoing. Stay out of it. With the exception of protecting yourself and your D financially/legaly.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
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Coly,

I echo the other posters...get some legal advice and protect yourself financially. You have to remember, he's not the man you married and this new person can't be trusted at this time.

Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Coly,

Obviously you must consider the legal implications of this and take steps accordingly. But, I think you need to dig in a little and find out why you have such a visceral reaction to this. Is there something there more than fear for how this could implicate you and D?

You have been living apart for a long time and I think making it on your own without a lot of help. Assuming you are not legally bound by his debts (which obviously you need to confirm), what is that has you in such distress?

Of course it is ridiculous for him to do what he did, but we know these folks do ridiculous things all the time. With mine, I honestly prefer to see him do something, rather than nothing. Yours is a huge wallower, so I would think something that forces him out of that comfort zone is not necessarily a bad thing.

You are sweet, and lovely, and strong. This is not your mess. Try to let go of the expectations that he will behave in a sane or rational way. Take care of you and D and eyes forward.

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Hi All, just stopping by as I saw a shout out by Bluwave on SKM's thread. Been reading along but not sure if I have much to contribute at the moment.

Roist Job, One, thanks for your posts above. I managed to calm down after my little flip out! I think I was just a bit blindsided by H's actions and very shocked! The good news is that H has a job again but it's only temporary for three months with the possibility of a extension. It pays very well so hopefully he is putting that towards paying off some of his debts.

As for me, I'm just plodding along at the moment. Not much going on with H although he seems much more comfortable around me when he comes over. Still doesn't always reach out on his own accord but comes running if I ask him for tea etc. He isn't as secretive about his life as much as he used to be and readily tells me what he has been up to and what he is going to be doing so that's different.

D is doing well. I'm very proud if the young woman she has become.

Sorry if I have been a bit rubbish posting. I find that as soon as I get on here my anxiety starts up again so I try to keep it to a minimum. I always make sure I pop in to check up in you all and to see how you are all doing. Sometimes it is very painful reading the posts from newcomers and that's when I know I have to step away. It's strange but i thought that would have gotten better but it hasn't. Maybe someone has a take on that?

Anyway, happy Thursday everyone!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Coly,

I am glad you returned to post an update. You do not have to come here and post about your h, you can always post about you and your daughter. You and your daughter are what counts right now. You might be plodding along, but you are still growing and learning new things. Life isn't about standing still, but continuing to move forward and facing each day and being thankful for what we have.

We all understand about coming here and feeling anxiety every so often. It's good to take a break and just live your life in the here and now.

Hang in there! You are right where you need to be at this time. Come back again very soon.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hey friend. Good to hear from you smile

I understand about needing to take a break from posting. Like you I followed along but did not fee like I had much to offer, so I stayed silent. I found myself drawn back here recently when I was struggling with a few things. I knew that I would get some good advice and words of wisdom.

Sorry to hear about H and what has been going on with all of that. Thankfully he managed to find a temporary job. It just continues to confirm to me that they really are just lost souls going through their everyday life. When I do see H, which is rare, he looks lost and sad and unfortunately continues to struggle in certain areas of his life. I have empathy for him and hope that one day he will be okay.

Like Job said, the most important thing right now is you and your daughter. Glad to hear that she is doing so well. Would love to hear what things YOU have been up to lately.

Hang in there friend. (((Coly)))

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COLLY!!!!

You must be getting keen on getting a start on the garden. The ground is still mostly frozen here but most of the snow is gone. I picked up a kit to grow some fresh herbs on my window sill and S24 and I are looking forward to that - if the darned things ever sprout. I have some seeds for habanero peppers that a friend from Trinidad gave us but sprouting them in the winter didn't work. I'm going to try again soon. Are you going to put much of a garden in? I know that you love doing it.

Your D must be almost done whatever the level of school you have over there is. I never could figure your educational system out. I hope things are going well for you at work and that you are getting to spend lots of time with family.

Anyhoodles - here's a big hug from your old Uncle AP (((Colly))) - stop by any time. We're always happy to see you but don't worry if there's a gap between visits. You have you and your D and a full life outside here.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Hi!

Glad to see your update. Sounds like you are doing well and moving along. I check on the site several times a week, but have trouble keeping up with everyone.

I can relate to anxious feelings around posting. Just typing the URL can be a reminder. Sometimes I also just don't know what to say when little has changed. I think I will post something today too, just because I am inspired by you and skm :-)

I see so many of you that have created a nice community of friendships and support. I think that is wonderful.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Good to hear from you Coly.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
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Coly23 Offline OP
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Hello everyone and thanks so much for your responses.

Just wanted to come here to journal a little because I think I'm going crazy! D and I have been getting on with our lives as normal but H seems to still be there in the background almost like the opposite of a ghost, there in body but not in spirit! We have been seeing more of him and his communication is better. Recently he has been over for dinner a few times and took myself and D out for dinner at Easter and even bought me a very big Easter egg!

Last week D had an interview for uni which didn't go very well. It was very emotionally draining for us both and when we got home H texted to ask how it went and when I said 'not good' he offered to come over. I did say that if he was coming to see D then it was highly unlikely that she would come out of her bedroom because she was so upset (boyfriend trouble as well. Part of the reason she flunked the interview) but he said he still wanted to come over and brought cookies with him. We spent a couple of hours chatting on our own and then he went in to see D.

Now he has asked to accompany us to D's next uni interview and has offered to drive us. I'm not sure what is going on and if this maybe is the start if him inching out of the tunnel or if we are slowly reconnecting? The thing is that his communication, although better, is still very sporadic. Also, if this was in isolation I may not be as curious but my youngest Sister texted me yesterday to say that H had contacted her husband out of the blue after 3 years and asked if they could meet up.

Other than that D and I are both good!

Happy Monday everyone! Xx


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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