On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Happy New Year AP! I was just coming on here to wish everyone a Happy New Year and saw your post! I hope you had a lovely Christmas and New Year celebrations?
Also big wave to Bluwave, thanks for checking in on me!
Happy New Year to all my DB friends! I hope 2019 brings you peace, health and happiness.
I thought while I was here I would do a bit of an update: D turned 18 in December and I bought her a car! She was so overwhelmed because she really didn't expect it. It took some work keeping it from her until the big day but it was worth it in the end! H also bought her some lovely presents and commented on how fantastic the car is.
H and D were also trying to arrange to see each other to exchange Xmas presents so I invited him to Christmas morning breakfast which he readily and gratefully accepted. He even made the scrambled eggs for us!! Having not seen him for months I was extremely nervous to see him again. When he came in, rather than his usual greeting of 'hi' and walking straight past me, he greeted me with a kiss on the lips and a big hug like in the early days. When he was leaving I got another kiss and an even bigger and longer hug. Obviously not reading anything into it as I know our MLCers become a little more friendlier during the festive season but it was nice to be hugged by him again! We didn't hear anything from him again after that day which I fully expected.
I was invited out to an 80's themed party with one of my younger sisters and her H for New Years and had an absolute blast! I haven't laughed so much in such a long time! I really had no expectations of H wishing me a Happy New Year as last year he sent D a text but nothing to me. However this year I surprisingly got a text from him at 12.30am wishing me a Happy New Year and hoping I have a great 2019! Lots of little celebration emojis on the end including a blushy face. My Sister thought it might have been a 'round robin' message which I would have also expected but it actually said 'Happy New Year Coly'! Nice to know he was thinking of me.
Anyway, that's my update. I hope you are all relaxed and full of renewed hope for the future however it may turn out. I would also especially like to thank Job for being such great support to us all with her wisdom and words of encouragement and off course to all my fellow DBers old and new, live long and prosper!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
What a lovely update! Happy Belated Birthday to your daughter. I'm sure she was super surprised at the car! I don't know how you kept that so well under wraps and she didn't find out.
As for Christmas, sounds like everything went quite well. Your h behaved himself and I'm glad you had him over. It shows him what he's missing and who knows...he just might go back to his place and think about the many wonderful things that happened that day
You sound wonderful. I am so very proud of you. Please do not be a stranger...we all miss you.
Happy New Year to you and your family. May the new year be full of wonderful surprises for you and your daughter.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi All, I hope all my friends in the work of DB are doing okay?
I just need some help on not doing anything stupid!
I found out a couple of weeks ago and only by accident that H left his job but with no other job to go to. I only found out because I had to ask him a question about something housey and at the same time I asked if he was well. He then revealed that he was leaving his job and that his last day was the next day! I was shocked! I asked him why he did not tell me before and he said that it wasn't because he didn't want to tell us but that he just hadn't spoken about it too anyone much. Then he went on to say that he had met up with an old work colleague,who I still work with, for lunch during which I am sure he would have told him about it!
I am trying hard to be understanding but I can feel the rage building up inside me! D and I invited him over for a takeaway so we could talk to him about it and it transpires that as the company he worked for are in a bit of trouble he decided to get out. He gave them four months notice and during that time he did not find a job. He says he would like to do contract work because he wants to get experience in other areas of his field of work but I know it is because he has not been able to find permanent work. He also said he took a loan from his sister to get a car as he had a company car and has bought himself a fancy BMW!
I am worried because we are still married. I was really kind and understanding when he came over but my blood is boiling to the point I feel I am going to explode and it won't be pretty! It just feels like the aftershocks from his original decision to leave just keep coming!
Am I overthinking this or taking it out of proportion? I just feel so disapointed and angry I don't know what to do with myself!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Breathe! I know you are very upset and angry that he didn't tell you...but you are separated and in his mind, he didn't feel it was necessary to inform you of his decision. He most likely thought that he would have another job by now and all things would be okay.
I suspect that even if the business was having some trouble, your h wasn't happy there and may have used that as an excuse to leave. Many MLCers do this kind of stuff and do not tell their spouses. If you think about it, who would borrow money from their sister and then purchase a BMW? Most people would get a regular car and not go for an expensive one at this time. His actions spell out MLC/depression.
Now is the time to run a credit history report on yourself just to see what, if anything, you may not be aware of.
Yes, my blood would have been boiling since he gave notice 4 months ago and didn't bother to tell you. It's too late to back track now...all you can do is keep a close eye on your credit and be mindful...he may come up short and be knocking on your door for a loan. You can have compassion and empathy for him, but he needs to learn some lessons about walking away from a job before having another one to go to and yes....learning to live within his means.
I am so sorry...I've been there and done that one many times over. Please, Coly, before you do or say anything to him come here for advice.
The most important people here are you and your daughter and your well being. Breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You can put H’s latest escapade in the folder marked - “You did what?!? What are you thinking?!?”. That folder does get pretty full.
I agree with you that he “now’ wants (feels) to do contract work. Of course his inability to find full time employment would lead him to grab on to the next best thing and feel that was what he wanted all along.
He quit his job, doesn’t have another one, took a loan, and bought an expensive car. And you are the one worried about not doing something stupid. Don’t worry Coly, you are seeing thing clearly, and his actions are infuriating.
He is like an adolescent growing up, btw I’ve got four of them, three sons and a daughter, and for all intesive purposes and second daughter (GF21), so five I suppose. They do all kinds of stupid stuff and don’t tell me. The MLCer is similar in that they are exploring who they are and what they want or think they missed out on. It is easier to take when it is an actual adolescent and not a grown adult.
Just breathe and let your blood cool, you are probably right that boiling over would not be pretty. He knows what he is doing is not the most wise. He also doesn’t want to tell you, he knows you, and knows you would be angry and disappointed.
This is a good opportunity to show a 180. Remain calm around him and do not criticize this little mess he has gotten himself into. I’m not sure if you and H’s finances are separate or not; it is probably a good idea to check on your status once in a while to stay ahead of any unwanted financial surprises he may cause.
You can only control you. Work through the anger, and don’t let it get a hold of you. Let him do his thing, you really can’t stop him anyhow. You can only control you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi Coly. Sorry to hear that this got dumped on you.
I would suggest talking to a solicitor to see if that since you've been separated for so long if you are under no obligation for any debts that he may have. And as job has so wisely suggested, running a credit report is undoubtedly a good thing. You don't want to see that he has perhaps secured some personal debts against the house. Some people have a feeling of entitlement and forging signatures has been known to happen.
((Coly))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Job, DNJ, AP. Thank you so much for your responses. I remained pretty much in a very high state of anxiety for most of today. Very tearful, hurt, angry, disappointed. Even doing housework did not help me to calm down! I just want to call him and scream down the phone but I know that won't help!
Off course, reading your wise words has gone some way to helping me see that he is still not thinking straight. Especially as when we were together he had to leave a job because he was being performance managed but did not tell me the extent of it until he as pretty much at the final formal stage which potentially meant dismissal. My advice to him was to resign before he got dismissed and he was certain that he would find a job straight away. Nine months later he had to get contract work which eventually turned into a permanent position. I thought he would have learned from this as it was not very good time at all!
Job, thank you for reminding me that his actions are not normal. I am just concerned that we still have a mortgage together and he could use this to get more loans. I promise I won't do anything rash until I come here first! This morning I had a ranting and raving text typed up and ready to go but I stopped before sending it and came here to post. I've deleted it now just so I take away the temptation to send it!
DNJ, you are right he is acting irrationally. His excuse for buying the car was because he got used to having a big Company car! He talks such cr@p!!! I think I inadvertently did a 180 when he came over. I did intend to have a moan at him but instead we all ended up having a really nice evening. I think maybe I disappointed myself because I chickened out!! Yes our finances are separate and they always have been because he is so bad with money. :0(
AP, I think I am going to get some advice but I think I will start with our employee assistance programme. See if they can give me some free advice for starters. I really don't think he will do anything underhand like forging my signature but I am worried he could start to get desperate if he doesn't find a job soon. I just think he is so arrogant about being employable but with the uncertainty surrounding Britain exiting the European Market I think companies might look to cutting non-essential recruitment and contract vacancies might be thin on the ground.
I guess as DNJ says, I can't change anything now and I can't control what he has done and Job is right that as we are separated he does not think he should tell me anything although he said he just didn't want to talk about it much. That tells me that he is unsure of his decision.
I think I'm going to have another sleepless night tonight!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly, I would get on protecting yourself financially via the legal route ASAP. I understand when people don't want to divorce, they don't initiate, but when it comes to protection financially, sometimes a must to take the initiative. The longer you go married with him not having a job, the longer it's going to put you at financial risk.
Coly, ditto what Ginger said. Please protect yourself.
My biggest regret from my whole situation is not getting the legal stuff started sooner. It’s been 3.5 years of sheer hell. I didn’t want the divorce, so I didn’t push it. And his actions bit me in the butt, hugely. But ginger is right.. him not working puts you at financial risk... you are married... his mess is your mess.
With that said... you’re still doing a good job with 180s and self reflection. Keep that up. The legal/divorce is strictly business.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
