Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 4

[arsh18]

Davide you have come such a long way in these months. Anger is not detachment, but it is a necessary step in the process to achieve full detachment. We just cannot get stuck in the angry phase nor can we expect to get over the anger any time soon. Continue to be strong, you are on the right path.

[Davide]

Thanks Arsh! I appreciate the support.

I think patience is one of the hardest parts of this process for me (probably for most people.) The way emotions and moods cycle is disconcerting because what felt like progress two weeks ago now feels like slippage. Continued introspection and steadfastness in my practices is what I need, but it is hard when you are feeling beat down.

I took my dog out on a road trip yesterday, 2.5 hours in the car out of the city to the mountains and a national forest to visit a great little swimming hole. She was so happy to be out in the woods walking and soaking herself in the water. It was a good break from the routine here in the city.

Happy Labor Day to all the people on this side of the pond!

[ovrrnbw]

Hi Davide,

Looks like you are still progressing. I'm praying for you, bc lord knows I have no advice that you haven't heard already. Keep taking care of yourself.

[LoneWlf]

Hey D - haven't heard from you in while - thanks for all your valuable input. Anyways stay well!!

[Davide]

I'm still around. Just not much to report. W is about to take off on a work trip out of the country for two weeks later this week, which she told me about so that I didn't expect her to come by to walk the dog. Not that it changes much. We haven't spoken since our last meeting over a month ago, and there have been just a few emails exchanged about dog and money stuff. The distance is good for detachment. Much less of my time is spent thinking about what was or what could have been, or any of those cheeseless tunnels. My anger/resentment ebbs and flows, but is still the dominant emotion when I do think about the R. I try to just observe it, and let it pass. I know it isn't helpful or healthy to hold onto it.

My focus has been much more on my self. Unfortunately, I have been struggling at work since the return of the school year. There are some new challenges, but I am struggling on my own end with motivation as well. It has been dragging me down, I feel like I am stuck in the same rut as last year before BD. Thinking about that, and the lack of progress drags me into a negative cycle. I feel bad for not making more progress, and that in turn makes me feel worse. There have been some pretty dark moments over the past two weeks.

On the weekends when I am able to GAL I can achieve a much higher level of mindfulness. The stress of the school week, the lack of sleep, and the dissatisfaction in my job/my performance makes it hard during the week. I am meditating or practicing yoga on a daily basis, getting around 95% of the time by bike, and rock climbing 3 days a week. All of these activities help, but much of my weekends and free time is still spent by myself as I have few friends outside of my W's and my social circle. At this point I have become accustomed to dining out by myself on Friday or Saturday, and maybe taking my dog out to a bar for a walk and a drink. There is definitely some loneliness, but I am pretty comfortable with it and being in my own skin.

I wish that I were making progress in a more rapid and linear fashion, but beating myself up about it doesn't help either. I am still seeing an IC, and that has helped out in the darker moments. "Action precedes motivation" is a mantra that helps when I feel completely lost and unmotivated. While living these more depressing times it becomes much harder to do the tough work of introspection and digging deep into my emotions and thoughts. It seems like dredging up more excrement when I feel like I am already almost drowning in it. It is much easier to rest on the couch and watch reruns of Parks and Rec.

I recognize that I am still a long way from where I want/need to be on my journey. I am not the confident, attractive, emotionally solid person that I want to be. At this point, that stings a lot more than the failed MR. I could never control what the W was going to do, nor was I ever in a position to wrestle with her demons. But at this point I feel like I am still losing my own battle. If I don't get my own house in order it doesn't matter what anyone else does because I won't be in a position to have a successful relationship with anyone.

I don't mean to be a downer. I am actually feeling more stable and mindful today than I have in a little while (having the Jewish New Year's day off yesterday definitely helped!) but there is no point in sugar coating things here or putting up a brave front. I have benefited greatly from the honest (and at times, brutal) words of all of you and the least I can give in return is as much honesty and vulnerability as I can muster up. I am convinced that my MR and my days of "standing" are over, but my personal journey still has a long way to go.w

[LoneWlf]

Thanks for the update D.

You are not alone when you say you struggle or want things to progress more rapidly. I do want to mention that your acknowledgement of your sitch and your emotions are very positive. You seem to be well aware of your emotions and the triggers. Like they say- knowing is half the battle. You being very mindful will be able to process this information to keep healing and moving forward. Stay well!

[NicoleR]

Davide, it's hard to dig yourself out of depression when you're alone. You're good at writing about how you feel. You're clearly a talented writer. What's your plan with your wife? Are you planning to give her time and space and wait to see if she returns? I guess in some way you'd almost have to change radically for your wife to stop and take notice. The momentum with my husband changed when I packed up and moved to another part of the country to start over. Not that it fixed things but suddenly he was nice again and started calling and coming more often. It's a bit different though when you don't have kids - there's nothing forcing you to stay in touch. Having a dog together is similar but perhaps with less legal and financial issues in the event of divorce. I see your wife is a bit younger than you. Do you think that had an effect on her decision to leave? For example her feeling she's still young and wants to go out and explore and try new things whereas you're more ready to settle down?

[Davide]

LoneWlf,

Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it. Your words of encouragement mean a lot because you know where I am coming from.

Nicole,

Thanks for chiming in. And thanks for the compliments on the writing. It's always nice to hear positive feedback, even from strangers on the internet. As a teacher much of what I hear is negative.

It is indeed difficult to dig out of depression when you are alone. On the positive side, I have really learned to appreciate the times that I can share with friends, and the conversations I have with family on the phone. Last night, after a group bike ride I was sitting in the patio of a bar with a group of friends, and I was 100% cognizant of what a beautiful moment I was living. In the past I might have worried about my classes today, or whether or not someone there didn't like me, or any of a million other things, but last night I was just so happy to be surrounded by friendly faces. That is one of the advantages of the solitary lifestyle I have been living. It also leaves a lot of time for introspection, meditation, and mindfulness.

I am very enticed by the possibility of dating, and loneliness is a factor in that. I would appreciate more social contact, and I am also at a point in my life where I would like to start a family sooner rather than later. I know that I have an advantage in that regard as a man, but I don't want to be in my 50s with a toddler either. What is holding me back at this point is not the MR, in my mind that is over, but rather my own lack of progress. I don't want to be unfair to another person by starting something that I am not ready for.

I really don't think that time or space is really a factor for my sitch or my W. My W has been resolute and consistent since the moment of BD. She isn't crazy or a WW. She simply decided that she didn't want to continue with the MR any more. She doesn't blame me, but she also has no desire in returning to a MR. I don't see that changing. Ever. Perhaps that is a bit overly dramatic, but I really don't see R as a goal in the future. I do think that the age difference played a role. My W moved directly from her parents' place to living with me at age 24, and never really lived a single, independent life. That combined with a fair amount of codependency on both ends curdled what was an otherwise great relationship. She always was ambivalent or opposed to having children, and I think part of that was related to fear of being tied down and losing her independence. She has never been one to be rash, or immature, or make reckless decisions, so I don't think she has made this one like that either. I suppose at some point she might reach a stage in her life when she values being in a MR more, but I doubt that it would be with me, nor do I think it is coming any time soon.

Honestly I don't know about waiting. At this point I don't know that I even want to wait the required one year of separation before filing. Evidently, so long as both parties agree, no one even checks if that requirement is made. I am thinking that I might approach W in Dec. or Jan to broach the subject. The only thing we have to decide on is the division of assets (savings and the house.) I am fairly confident that we can resolve those things amicably enough without the need to involve lawyers or mediators.

It is interesting that you talk about moving across the country and catching the attention of your husband. I am likely to leave the city I am in at the end of the school year. I have few connections here, and I prefer to live in larger metropolitan areas. None of my family is here, and I don't particularly like my position. I am lucky as an educator that I can work pretty much everywhere. I don't know if I would even tell my W where I am going. I have little desire to hear from her, and our lives are more or less completely separate at this point anyway. A fresh start is really appealing. The only drawback is financial as my current mortgage is SOO far below any other mortgage or rent that I could get in another city (and I do love my tiny 800 square foot house!) So, I need to consider that.

In any case, it is time to bunker down and hope no trees fall on my house from the hurricane!

[arsh18]

You sound so strong Davide, its not dramatic at all but you are in the sweet phase of acceptance which most of us who got BDd early this year are reaching. I am smiling here knowing you will be just fine. Be safe and bunker down, Florence cant hurt you, remember you were in the eye of hurricane WW.

[HelenaJ]

The hurricane turned out to be a non issue for me, so grateful for that!! Hope you fared well, it should all be over now I would think. Poor NC, parts were hit so hard and these storms are so expensive to recover from. Mother Nature can be such a B.

On a brighter note, I think youre being very honest with yourself about where youre at and I think you have been very aware of your state of mind all along. I understand loneliness but respect so much your decision not to drag someone in before youre truly ready. Some other males here would do well to follow your lead but self awareness must come to each at its own pace.

Howd you do waiting out the storm with no alcohol? I had a margarita tonight at Mexican, really enjoyed it but was totally content to leave it at that. So cheers to that