Hello to the few names I remember and those who are in this post divorce world.
In short, I came here in 2008 after being summarily dumped after 25 years of marriage. There was tons of drama, self flagellation for my failings, shock and discovery of the tale as old as time for the reason for his departure all while suffering from a significant head injury which left me impaired during this confusing time.
Fear of repeating mistakes from my marriage and focusing on the kids because he left them, too, kept me busy for many years. He was still in my head up until last year. If some little thing went wrong, I'd fall down the rabbit hole of hurt, shame and blame centering around what was worst about him and/or me.
I'd seen one of those annoying posts repeatedly, "Don't have toxic people in your life." It finally hit home that he was just that. What friends and professionals had seen and said over the years got through my thick skull and I was shocked to realize I'd had a terrible marriage for over a decade. Letting go of the last glimmer of make believe, brought more realizations:
1. He left a toxic relationship. Even though I didn't agree and thought it was quite unfair, vicious and cruel the way it happened, I saw the truth. My fantasy dissolved.
2. Then I wondered if he left a toxic relationship, should I thank him that I was no longer part of it?
3. The big one was understanding that I was the one holding onto all the toxins.. the hurt, sense of betrayal, shame, financial uncertainty, etc... that I was the one holding the banner of victim marinated in cloaked bitterness and anger. I was what kept me from healing and letting go.
Baby steps occurred. The most important relationship was the one I had with myself. The better I was with me, the better I'd be with another. Close friends got me online and I tried. Any mention of a physical relationship with potential guy threw me in a panic. I'd be over exuberant or contorting myself to be who I thought a guy might be looking for. After a while I gave up. Even though I wanted to know another, I was nowhere near being comfortable with myself.
In a year of dating I had countless phone calls (with quite a few horn dogs), some meet and greet dates that were bad, scary or no communication afterward. I had two dates with one guy who was so clingy that I informed him I was not his instant girlfriend. And that was that. Everything fizzled, I always felt bad and wondered what was so terribly wrong with me??? There were times when it was obvious the meet and greet was going nowhere with no connection between the two of us. Then I'd feel disheartened and wonder, "Why the heck am I feeling rejected by someone I have no interest in? My ex's words that I'd always be damaged goods would linger in my thoughts.
I learned to sit in my emotions, to feel uncomfortable and not run from them. It sucked. Feeling anything that made me feel vulnerable or in conflict with another person was painful and made me want to vomit. I learned that just trying was enough.. no need to berate myself. Be gentle with me instead of always beating myself up.
So this one date a few nights ago was a blast. He wants to know the whole person, enjoy the time together and see where things go. We shared a quirky sense of humor. I have an inner playful dork. There was intelligent conversation and no pressure. I opted to be open and relaxed and it was fun. I'd like to get to know more about him but realize it's not about pining for a response. It's slow and gentle. If something happens, I'll enjoy it. If not, I can savor that I'm calmer and more mature.
Of course, one fun date in just over a year of being out there (sorta!) eight years after the divorce could be seen is a little weird. But I'm so happy that I finally realize that I am enough. To be in the moment is the best place to be for me
Girl, that sounds great! So glad you stopped drinking the poison of bitterness and started getting comfortable with yourself. Now please delete that mental file of ex telling you you'd always be damaged goods, ok?
What I've found in my dating is that the more comfortable I am in my own skin, the more men adore me. Confidence is attractive. And honestly, I have NO interest in a guy who wants to change me or doesn't think I'm his dream girl.
I've had some weird dating adventures, for sure. Several Love Avoidant guys, some way too inappropriately young guys, a 4 year relationship with a guy who turned out to be bipolar and a somewhat sociopathic liar who was living a complete other life I knew nothing about.
But the one thing they ALL had in common was their deep appreciation for me, just as I am. After my ex who was never satisfied and always trying to "fix" me, it's been so refreshing to be with so many men who think I'm great as I am (And don't think I'm some super model or anything - I'm a cute, somewhat overweight middle aged woman with a nerdy brain, an adventurous spirit, a deep responsible streak, and a liking for men and their company.)
I always like to think of Auntie Mame - Life's a banquet and most poor beggars are starving to death.
I can relate to what you said about contorting yourself to be who the guy wanted you to be... been there. My ex did a lot of gaslighting. Blamed my poor domestic skills and working only part time while son was small for the reason he was leaving. Told me i was emotionally abusive.
As a result, when i started dating someone again, i felt this need to be super nice and accepting. And i put up with stuff (cheapness and slacker qualities) i never would have put up with in my youth. I was relieved and embarassed for myself when that ended. The experience taught me that i wanted a guy that was sonewhat generous though.
