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Notavic #2806812 08/14/18 06:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Notavic
I've basically been the pursuer for the last 2 years with him, pretending that everything was perfectly wonderful when it's not.


I assume you've stopped the pursuit behavior now that you're reading Sandi's rules every day? Those should be your template for how to behave. He's probably been feeling a lot of pressure and you want to remove the pressure.

Originally Posted by Notavic
I've been increasingly GAL, But I miss having a husband. But I can't force the role on him.


Can you clarify what's missing in the M? Sounds like he's still there and you are still doing things together, just curious what you want in the M that is missing. Are you basically living together as roommates?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Yes, I've stopped the begging and crying. I'm trying to differentiate what is "pursuit behavior" (other than *that*) and what is normal. I don't want to go cold.

Roommates, yes. We do things together, but he is still running away. Part of it is my panic, too. We're doing a dance of me as the controller and him running away from being controlled. I'm just now learning that it is a 2-way street. It's hard, sometimes, to see beyond the A and how horrible that was.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by Notavic
I've basically been the pursuer for the last 2 years with him, pretending that everything was perfectly wonderful when it's not.


I assume you've stopped the pursuit behavior now that you're reading Sandi's rules every day? Those should be your template for how to behave. He's probably been feeling a lot of pressure and you want to remove the pressure.

Originally Posted by Notavic
I've been increasingly GAL, But I miss having a husband. But I can't force the role on him.


Can you clarify what's missing in the M? Sounds like he's still there and you are still doing things together, just curious what you want in the M that is missing. Are you basically living together as roommates?



What's missing is him thinking of this as a marriage. The last time I tried a R talk, he said we married young, hadn't been a couple in a long time, and were "friends." That's not a marriage. I'm angry, that nearly 2 years out of the A, this is where he is.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
Notavic #2807354 08/16/18 06:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Notavic
What's missing is him thinking of this as a marriage. The last time I tried a R talk, he said we married young, hadn't been a couple in a long time, and were "friends." That's not a marriage. I'm angry, that nearly 2 years out of the A, this is where he is.


Have you read The 5 Love Languages? It might be helpful. I sense that you and your H both feel like your needs aren't being met, and perhaps you're both waiting for the other to do something about it. I don't think your H is a full-blown WAS, maybe he is but it doesn't sound like it. It just sounds like an unhappy M. Read the 5LL and try some of the techniques on him and see if it starts making a difference.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 28
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by Notavic
What's missing is him thinking of this as a marriage. The last time I tried a R talk, he said we married young, hadn't been a couple in a long time, and were "friends." That's not a marriage. I'm angry, that nearly 2 years out of the A, this is where he is.


Have you read The 5 Love Languages? It might be helpful. I sense that you and your H both feel like your needs aren't being met, and perhaps you're both waiting for the other to do something about it. I don't think your H is a full-blown WAS, maybe he is but it doesn't sound like it. It just sounds like an unhappy M. Read the 5LL and try some of the techniques on him and see if it starts making a difference.


That's very astute of you, actually. When we were in counseling decades ago, it was pointed out to us that each of us thought he/she did the bulk of the work. One of his love languages is food, but he's literally never home for me to cook. But, I will have to get a copy of that book and read it. Thanks for the suggestion.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
Notavic #2807455 08/16/18 11:00 PM
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Welcome

Do not put too much weight on what he says

In that moment he said you were friends

He may feel differently moment to moment

Or day to day or season to season

Actions speak louder

Good news no a and he is still there

Bad news he is undecided on the m

I am 7 months past her a

And my w still does not know what she wants

So I understand the anger and resentment

Take lots of care for yourself

You are taking the right steps

Avoiding what makes things worse

And doing what makes things better

GAL


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2807469 08/17/18 01:09 AM
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Thank you, GAL. He's doing a LOT around the house, which he had all but stopped during the A. And, as you said, he is,still here, and had made,the decision on his own not to leave the M. I am trying to pick up where I left off with my own recovery.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
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