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Notavic #2805700 08/08/18 04:10 AM
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Just since I've started reading here, I have realized the many, many things I've done incorrectly in this R. My dh has been telling me that I've changed. I literally didn't see it. I couldn't see past his affair. So much anger and hurt. Now, I realize that I have been distant and resentful of him. Then, of course, I broke all of Sandy's rules once he started to pull away. So much clinging and following, and oversharing with friends, and begging, and aggressiveness, and trying to buy his affection. Now that he's told me that we are "friends," as opposed to a couple, I'm finally in a place to believe him and act accordingly.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
Notavic #2805720 08/08/18 11:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Notavic
Just since I've started reading here, I have realized the many, many things I've done incorrectly in this R. My dh has been telling me that I've changed. I literally didn't see it. I couldn't see past his affair. So much anger and hurt. Now, I realize that I have been distant and resentful of him. Then, of course, I broke all of Sandy's rules once he started to pull away. So much clinging and following, and oversharing with friends, and begging, and aggressiveness, and trying to buy his affection. Now that he's told me that we are "friends," as opposed to a couple, I'm finally in a place to believe him and act accordingly.


We all made those mistakes at first. When you get bombed you really aren't prepared. Once you find DB/DR after you search due to BD, that is when you realize your mistakes. The good news is that it is never too late to start!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2805738 08/08/18 01:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by Notavic
Just since I've started reading here, I have realized the many, many things I've done incorrectly in this R. My dh has been telling me that I've changed. I literally didn't see it. I couldn't see past his affair. So much anger and hurt. Now, I realize that I have been distant and resentful of him. Then, of course, I broke all of Sandy's rules once he started to pull away. So much clinging and following, and oversharing with friends, and begging, and aggressiveness, and trying to buy his affection. Now that he's told me that we are "friends," as opposed to a couple, I'm finally in a place to believe him and act accordingly.


We all made those mistakes at first. When you get bombed you really aren't prepared. Once you find DB/DR after you search due to BD, that is when you realize your mistakes. The good news is that it is never too late to start!


Thanks, Steve.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
Notavic #2805763 08/08/18 03:19 PM
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On the topic of boundaries:

Before DB-ing, I had insisted that dh get counseling or our life together would be over. After a LOT of pressuring on my part, he did call the practice and left a message. Now that I'm DB-ing, I'm seeing that as more of an ultimatum on my part, and not a real boundary.

My question is this:

Should I just drop it, then? I mean, I can't control whether he goes, and even if I did control that, I can't control whether or not he is ready to use therapy to it's greatest extent.

OTOH, If I don't bring it up again, doesn't that make me look weak?

Last edited by Notavic; 08/08/18 03:20 PM. Reason: add sentence

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
Notavic #2806108 08/09/18 10:36 PM
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So, a tiny victory today. H was going up to our camping trailer and ended up not visiting our S as planned. It was hard for me not to pry and ask details, but I didn't. I need to start treating him like an adult and not like a child.

I'm also planning on some GAL time. I've been doing some things, but I need to fill my schedule more. The ironic (or maybe not) thing is, H has basically been GAL-ing, too. Which is tough for me, because I'd like nothing more than him wanting to be with me. Which means I need to GAL.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
Notavic #2806270 08/10/18 08:15 PM
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I cried in the movie theater today
when Winnie the Pooh told Piglet, a bundle of pink anxiety,
"Come on, Piglet. We need you."

Because we don't.

I cried because I need him
and I can't tell him.
It would be begging. Bringing up the relationship.
And, I can't do that.

I cried because he's running.
And I don't know where the journey will end.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
Notavic #2806284 08/10/18 10:41 PM
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How do I get over being so angry? I'm so angry that my h doesn't want to do anything together and resents *me* when he's the one who had the affair.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
Notavic #2806743 08/14/18 02:13 PM
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Didn't sleep much last night, and/but woke up very early and wide awake. Upon going outside, and noticing it was delightfully cool, I asked H if he wanted to sit w/me with whatever reading device he chose. He came out w/a book and we sat in reading silence for quite a while. I made each of us a microwave muffin-in-a-mug and some coffee.

After doing DB's suggestion of writing down everything that annoys your partner about you and doing the opposite, I resolved to stay calm and relatively quiet. Seems to have worked. My poor therapist has been saying for a year and a half that I need to slow down (physically, verbally...) and I'm finally in a place to hear the message.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
Notavic #2806771 08/14/18 04:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Notavic


I cried because I need him
and I can't tell him.
It would be begging. Bringing up the relationship.
And, I can't do that.

I cried because he's running.
And I don't know where the journey will end.


*hug*

You're not alone in this. I'm going through something similar. One day at a time. Marathon not sprint.


1/6/18-BD OM1
2/18-W meets OM2
4/18-W intros D4 to OM2
5/18-“Romance ends"
7/18-DB start
7/18-IHS Ends
4/19-WW moves out
3/21-D filed

Formerly pain18

Rise.

Notavic #2806786 08/14/18 05:04 PM
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Thanks, pain18. I appreciate it.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story

(Me: 57, DH62, S30, GS 6 & 3)
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